breaking up?

sweetchicky · #1 07-25-2003, 08:14 PM

Whats up, I know there are a lot of really funny and cool people here so I thought I would ask a little questoin.
I have been dating this guy for a little over 2 years. He is almost a decase older than me and well now I am starting to see some problems. I have an extremely hard time breaking up with somebody. I really suck at the art of breaking up so I know this sounds wierd but does anyone have any suggestions...something that might work and not make me look like a total B@@@@. I am really a nice person I just hate breaking up and the time afterwords. Ugh!
Oh well thanks!
Sweetchicky

James · #2 07-25-2003, 10:19 PM

There is no good way to break-up with someone. So you are better off just doing it and don't get tempted to start going into elaborate detail as to why. Are they details really going to make him feel better lol?

Dumping is dumping

But, the longer you wait the harder it gets.

Tom Earp · #3 07-25-2003, 10:21 PM

Marry the guy!!! You will learn about breaking up real quick!

If it aint working, get the hell OUT! Plain and simple!

Why make 2 lives miserable!

texas*princess · #4 07-26-2003, 03:08 AM

If it's really not working, the best thing you can do about breaking up is to NOT PUT IT OFF... you'd probably hurt him more if you just string him along when you don't think the relationship can go anywhere else.

SAEalumnus · #5 07-26-2003, 03:24 AM

This is still a little painful to talk about, by my girlfriend of almost three years (who I was planning on marrying) just broke up with me this week (eight months to the day after I gave her a promise ring as it turned out). The rationale behind her decision was perfectly logical, which I can appreciate, however there are two aspects to how she actually executed the break-up that were unnecessarily cruel, even if unintentionally so. First, after being incommunicato for a week, she asked me to come over to her house for dinner, only to break up with me instead, which of course meant that after "the talk" I had to get on the road and drive back to my house with my attention anywhere but on driving. The other is that she never once told me how she was feeling or what she was considering doing; she simply informed me of her decision without giving me the opportunity to discuss alternative possibilities or anything else. It was very much a unilateral decision. I'm certainly not about to say anything negative about her - I still love her after all - but she caused me quite a bit of unnecessary pain in the particular way she chose to break the news to me. So my advice, then, is if you care about how your boyfriend will feel afterwards (obviously he'll be hurt), please carefully consider how he'll react to the particular circumstances of how you break the news.

sweetchicky · #6 07-26-2003, 10:27 AM

Thanks to everyone who replied.
SAE Active- I am sorry to hear about your breakup. However, you sound like a wonderful guy who should have no problem finding someone to treat you with the respect that you deserve. You sound very respectful. I am surprised or sorry or both that you did not know it was coming.
It seems like in my situation we have really been arguing which is something I absolutely can't take. I have told him I wanted to break up but he just tells me I don't and to calm down and stuff like that and it's really getting old to me.
It's like half the time everything is fine and the other half....I want to break up so I think it is time.
The only other factor in this situation is that I have been driving a car he leased me for about two years. I have another car so it isn't like I will be carless if I give it back. I am really stressing out though about how to break up and give the car back...
See...I am thinking that when I have tried to break up with him to his face it has not worked...so maybe I should leave the car and write a letter or something...??
I don't know what do you all think?

Jadey28 · #7 07-26-2003, 11:00 AM

First of all, sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's tough sometimes, but you have to think about yourself. You mentioned that this guy is 10 years older than you...I don't know how old you are, but I would put that into consideration. For instance, I am 23 years old, and I am just learning what I want and expect in a relationship. As you get older and mature, you change your perspective on life and how you want to spend it. And if you have been together for roughly two years, I am sure you are maturing in your part of the relationship. He is older than you, so he has already experienced much of what you are approaching. Therefore, it is really easy for him to tell you to calm down and that you are just overreacting. In a way, it's kind of like that parent thing--my parents always told me "you don't wanna do that" but I had to learn from my mistakes to realize it myself. Anyway, your situation really reminds me of one of my friends who was dating someone 10 years older. She was 22, he was 32. He bought her a car and always told her what she did and didn't want to do. It really irritated her and they eventually broke up because he wouldn't let her develop into who she was becoming.

So, in my opinion, if you are going to break up with him, don't write him a letter. Return the car to him and thank him for his generiousity (sp?). Let him know that you need to let yourself become who you are and you can't follow under his wing. He's supposed to be your boyfriend, not your father. I am sure he will argue with you and try to convince you that you really don't want to do this. But stand firm in your decision and tell him you are not backing down. Just imagine this, if he can convince and control you now, how would it be if you were married? You never know, you two might have some time away from the relationship and wind up together in the end. Time for yourself is always good.

Oh, and I am not saying that relationships with an older person don't work. I was just expressing my thoughts on how people need to grow and find themselves before they can truely be happy in any relationship. Hope this helps. PM me if you want to.

sweetchicky · #8 07-26-2003, 01:22 PM

Jadey28,
I think you hit the nail on the head right there. I can't believe I have let this relationship go on as long as it has. It seems like when someone buys you a car or leases it for you, lol, and gives you money , makes your life comfortable, etc it is harder to break up. Although it shouldn't have anything to do with that...those things in the end can be what tie you together.
I want to be as classy and gracious as possible in this situation because I don't want any undue angst for anyone. I feel really betrayed by him in a way because he made me open a joint bank account with him when he gave me money although I put my own money in it...it's just one more thing I have to worry about now.
I don't life when things come down to this and it gets ugly. I believe that he probably took advantage of my innocence when I met him at 19 and now I just want to live my life.
I am getting ready to go through rush in about 3 weeks and I am so excited. That is part of the reason I feel I can not let this wait any longer. I want to present my best self and not be all emotional and carrying a bunch of baggage. This is so hard for me because socially my life has basically fallen apart since I have been dating him and I have been so unhappy. I know I need to pick myself up and do this and I am mentally preparing myself but it is hard.
I agree that I should take the car to him myself and thank him. I think that sounds like the best idea. I want him to remember me as someone who had class and integrity.
And most of all, I want my own happiness...I am hoping to find it very soon!!!!
Much Love
Sweetchicky

sweetchicky · #9 07-26-2003, 02:57 PM

Well he called me and I did it...I told him....very very nicely...
and to my surprise!!!!He agreed!!!!!
I don't feel happy or wonderful but at least I am not devastated or heartbroken.
We decided that maybe in a few months we can be friends...maybe.
As for the car and everything else we had together...we are going to work it all out amicably and probably next week after this all digests and we dont talk for a few days.
I thank God so much that he understood and told me that he wished me all the success in life, etc.
I am pretty independent and I guess it isn't hard to read from the perspective of someone I am dating....
It is always sad to breakup with someone you are close to but in the end i'll be stronger and definitely happier!
Thanks all you guys...you guys are wonderful and your sweet comments and posts helped me more than you will ever know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweetchicky

bethany1982 · #10 07-26-2003, 04:31 PM

Glad it worked out like this. I just went through the same thing... wish mine had gone so well.

KillarneyRose · #11 07-26-2003, 05:16 PM

I'm glad it worked out with a minimum of pain for the both of you

James · #12 07-26-2003, 06:20 PM

You know its wierd, you went out with him for two years and you really read him wrong.

I mean thats a really big misread of his reaction. Almost like you didn't really know him anywhere near as well as you thought.

I am not sure if you meant to, but you made him sound like he was really controlling and that the stuff he did to help you out, was actually done to be manipulative.

You said you feel like he betrayed you by making you open a joint bank account with him . . . when he gave you money.

He got you a car, he gave you money, and made life comfortable for you. I also asume that he bought you other stuff as well as paid for dating expenses? LOL, there are girls that deal with controlling men that take them to Mcdonalds, make them pay, and won't open car doors.

Anyway to my point:

What I have noticed is that both men and women will not be themselves because they want to please their partner and avoid what they think of us as potential conflict.

But I have been friends with both sides before and got a chance tot alk to them and I'll find something peculiar. Usually the partner isn't really holding the other person back. The other person just generally thinks they are.

It has boggled my mind before. Because basically the one partner believes that the other partner will get mad or yell at them if they do something they want to do, when generally the one partner doesn't care.

The only correlation I have found is that one partner usually has a stronger personality than the other one.

But what I have noticed is that this can really destroy the relationship over time, because the partner that thinks theya re being limited starts blaming the other person for missed opportunities, missed opportunities that many times they never even tried to take. Once they start getting bitter, its all been ruined.

The clincher though, is that somtimes they are missing stuff they would never have done anyway. But they are still blaming the other person.

Anybody else see this happen?

Kevlar281 · #13 07-26-2003, 06:27 PM

“I really care about you but those feelings just aren’t there anymore; I don't want to cheat on you so I think we should start seeing other people.”

It’s my standard considerate approach with an asshole twist.

sweetchicky · #14 07-26-2003, 07:27 PM

LOL Kevlar.... I hope I don't get that too much...I have spent 6 years of my life in 2 relationships so the dating scene is probably going to be a little overwhelming at first...I think I will take my time with that. LOL, once again

James...
I feel what you are saying, I really do but on the otherhand...Just because he responded well...what other choice did he really have...
I do know him pretty well but also...you can never predict what a person was going to do.
I think if I had to look into it I would think that he acted like that to leave the door open to us having a friendship or dating later (which is somewhat admirable to me). I do not agree with the fact that he was not manipulating me. I totally think he played on my innocence in the beginning. Once he got to know me, he probably stopped that to a certain degree.
I do think that many of the things he did for me were to help me out or make me happy...not to be controlling and I think the bottom line is I probably was the B#### of the relationship. I really feel like one right now. But, sometimes you have to question what a 31 yr old would want with a 21 yr old in the first place, dont ya think?
I think I was doubtful of his intentions but of course I do not blame him or anything...theres so much more to the story than what I wrote here but I do appreciate your thoughtful consideration of the matter. I always like to hear objective opinions and such.
I really don't know exactly what went wrong.

To everyone : WOW thanks for listening to me rant and everything~ I getting a little addicted to this website but it's nice to talk to so many different people and ya'll rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweetchicky