Thinking about dropping, not sure what to do

mangokitty · #1 10-26-2018, 04:39 PM

So I’ve been in my sorority for a little over a year. I’m a founding member. At the beginning, it was really fun. I made so many friends and I was very happy because that’s something I really struggled with in college. It’s been very hard for me to make friends. Well, long story short the majority of initiated members dropped, unfortunately. We went from 126 initiated members to about 50...my entire friend group dropped, aside from one girl, who no longer talks to me after moving in with the cliquiest (and meanest) group of girls in our sorority. She told me I can’t come to her house because her roommates don’t think I’m “cool enough”. Really? Are we in middle school?

Anyway, this semester has just been tough because I’ve been dealing with horrible anxiety and I couldn’t even participate in most of formal recruitment because I kept having panic attacks and being super uncomfortable and obviously didn’t want to reflect badly on our chapter to PNMs. I truly don’t have any friends in my sorority and I’m such an outcast in my mind. It feels like everyone has their own group of friends already and it’s very hard to infiltrate them...like I’ve hung out with a lot of the girls before because they knew I was struggling during recruitment. It feels like they were just trying to be nice (which I appreciate!) but didn’t really wanna actually be friends because no one wanted to hang out again after that. The morale in the whole chapter kinda sucks honestly. I’m one of about 20 initiated members that actually show up to chapter every week.

Idk. I’m just on the fence because it’s not doing anything for me at all right now and I’m not enjoying it. I dread going to chapter. I don’t have any friends. My horrible anxiety keeps me from being able to be outgoing and likable, so no one really wants to talk to me and I just stand around awkwardly by myself. The restaurant I worked at just randomly shut down so I’m finding another job, I truly cannot afford dues I don’t even know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to pay them. They told me even if I drop I still have to pay so I don’t know what to do. It just feels like everything’s falling apart. I had asked about going inactive for a semester just so I can get things together without having to worry about events and dues and chapter etc all the time. But I guess my sorority does not do inactive, so it wasn’t an option.

I just feel like if I drop, I might regret it and I know it might be able to open doors for me in the future. But at the same time I’m so overwhelmed and not enjoying it at all + the fact that I can’t afford it right now. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.

APhi2KD · #2 10-26-2018, 06:02 PM

First off, are you being treated for your anxiety?
I’m sorry you’re going through all this. My suggestion would be to be a friend and mentor to your new members and look for your place there. (And I do know how hard that is with anxiety.)
If your chapter is so low on actives, they (the new members) are probably disappointed in their sorority experience as well. Your involvement could make the difference for them and be a new start for you.

33girl · #3 10-26-2018, 06:22 PM

Has your chapter received its charter? Is the national organization doing anything to remedy the problems? There’s always some amount of attrition with colonies, because it’s always more work than people think it will be, but losing almost 2/3 of the sorority and having less than half of the girls who are left be participatory is not normal. If they aren’t helping your chapter out, and telling you things like you have to pay even if you quit, then quite frankly staying in for doors it might open in the future is probably not worth it.

NoDak · #4 10-26-2018, 06:51 PM

Your story is not a unique one. The feelings of not feeling included or that you have a place in a chapter is a common one. It is difficult with new chapters because a group of women were brought together without getting to know each other beforehand. Even so. I am sorry that you are struggling. It breaks my heart to hear these stories.

I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with the President. She may have some ideas for you of who to hang out with more or a leadership role that you could own and probably thrive at. Chances are your President has heard from other women who feel left out. You all could join forces!

As an alumna, my experience in Greek Life grew exponentially after graduation and I was able to find and hang out with other alumnae from my organization. The alumnae experience is less stress and so much easier on your debit card. Sometimes it is worth it to get to your alumna status so you can fully utilize the national network that you have. I understand that the thought of roughing it out till graduation can seem daunting but something to think about.

Good Luck

KD4Me · #5 10-26-2018, 07:30 PM

Are you seeking treatment for your anxiety? It sounds like that is a big part of your problem. If the girls in your sorority were hanging out with you, just to be nice, doesn't that mean they are...nice?

I would urge you not to make any rash decisions in your current mindset. You feel like everything is falling apart, which is a very general statement about EVERYTHING in your life. This is not the time to make a decision that you cannot reverse.

I encourage you to check out the counseling center on campus to help you work through some of the things that you are going through. Things will get better.

mangokitty · #6 10-26-2018, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by APhi2KD

First off, are you being treated for your anxiety?
I’m sorry you’re going through all this. My suggestion would be to be a friend and mentor to your new members and look for your place there. (And I do know how hard that is with anxiety.)
If your chapter is so low on actives, they (the new members) are probably disappointed in their sorority experience as well. Your involvement could make the difference for them and be a new start for you.

Thank you. Yes I'm being treated. Just not improving much right now. I want to help the new members and that's one of the reasons I didn't want to quit. Because I want to help the chapter and make sure it doesn't die off... but I just feel like I'm not a very good mentor for them because I'm not secure in myself right now. It's hard for me to keep conversation flowing and I have no friends so it's difficult to talk to them in the first place as they're all gathered in their own groups and sit in a separate area than initiated members at chapter.

mangokitty · #7 10-26-2018, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

Has your chapter received its charter? Is the national organization doing anything to remedy the problems? There’s always some amount of attrition with colonies, because it’s always more work than people think it will be, but losing almost 2/3 of the sorority and having less than half of the girls who are left be participatory is not normal. If they aren’t helping your chapter out, and telling you things like you have to pay even if you quit, then quite frankly staying in for doors it might open in the future is probably not worth it.

Yes we have our charter. To be honest, I'm not sure if nationals is doing anything about it. I'm not an officer or anything so I haven't heard much on the inside I guess. But so far no one has addressed the fact that members are dropping like flies. We do have a leadership consultant and some other alumnae members who help out though and make sure chapter and ritual goes correctly. I'm not sure if they've discussed it with the president/officers though.

mangokitty · #8 10-26-2018, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoDak

Your story is not a unique one. The feelings of not feeling included or that you have a place in a chapter is a common one. It is difficult with new chapters because a group of women were brought together without getting to know each other beforehand. Even so. I am sorry that you are struggling. It breaks my heart to hear these stories.

I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with the President. She may have some ideas for you of who to hang out with more or a leadership role that you could own and probably thrive at. Chances are your President has heard from other women who feel left out. You all could join forces!

As an alumna, my experience in Greek Life grew exponentially after graduation and I was able to find and hang out with other alumnae from my organization. The alumnae experience is less stress and so much easier on your debit card. Sometimes it is worth it to get to your alumna status so you can fully utilize the national network that you have. I understand that the thought of roughing it out till graduation can seem daunting but something to think about.

Good Luck

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts & input!

mangokitty · #9 10-26-2018, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KD4Me

Are you seeking treatment for your anxiety? It sounds like that is a big part of your problem. If the girls in your sorority were hanging out with you, just to be nice, doesn't that mean they are...nice?

I would urge you not to make any rash decisions in your current mindset. You feel like everything is falling apart, which is a very general statement about EVERYTHING in your life. This is not the time to make a decision that you cannot reverse.

I encourage you to check out the counseling center on campus to help you work through some of the things that you are going through. Things will get better.

I am receiving treatment. I also regularly go to individual + group counseling at my school. I'm really trying to improve. It's just not working very well for me sadly. I never said the girls weren't nice. They're very nice. The thing is that I had reached out to the president concerning my anxiety and I'm pretty sure she sent out some kind of mass text because a ton of girls texted me immediately to hang out. And it was very nice! It's just that I've reached out to them since and no one really seems interested in hanging out again, and none of them reach out to me either. So it kinda just feels like it was a pity thing, and they don't really want to be friends with me. which i understand. I'm struggling mentally and I'm probably not that fun to hang out with because my anxiety keeps me on edge all the time. I can't relax and constantly worried I'm going to say something wrong.

33girl · #10 10-27-2018, 01:14 AM

Is your LC live in or does she just come for meetings? Tell her in no uncertain terms that the cliques and apathy are destroying the sorority, and that you joined looking for a support system and got the exact opposite. If things keep going the way they are, your question might be moot as there will be no chapter left to drop out of.

mangokitty · #11 02-28-2019, 11:24 PM

Well, I ended up dropping a few days ago. It affected me a lot more than I thought it would and I'm pretty upset about it. Having to mail in my badge seriously makes me want to cry. My chapter really wasn't enjoyable for me and I've been really struggling financially and mentally, but I do feel like I am regretting it. I really did love the sorority and its philanthropy. I wanted to make it work. Executive office rejected my application for emergency financial and medical leave and I still didn't have a single friend. So I decided to make the tough decision to drop. Wish they had some kind of early alum program I could have utilized. But I guess it's done with now

thank you all for your advice.

Theta1234 · #12 03-01-2019, 12:08 AM

I am sorry that things did not turn out as you had hoped,

33girl · #13 03-01-2019, 04:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mangokitty

Well, I ended up dropping a few days ago. It affected me a lot more than I thought it would and I'm pretty upset about it. Having to mail in my badge seriously makes me want to cry. My chapter really wasn't enjoyable for me and I've been really struggling financially and mentally, but I do feel like I am regretting it. I really did love the sorority and its philanthropy. I wanted to make it work. Executive office rejected my application for emergency financial and medical leave and I still didn't have a single friend. So I decided to make the tough decision to drop. Wish they had some kind of early alum program I could have utilized. But I guess it's done with now

thank you all for your advice.

If you were one of the 50 left AND out of that 50, one of the 20 who actually came to things, and they couldn’t give you a break when you were struggling financially and mentally, you are probably better off to have washed your hands of this group. Sorry that’s not very Panhellenic but the whole situation sounds like Rome burning while Nero fiddles.