I'm an emotional wreck

Animate · #1 12-19-2007, 04:38 PM

Okay I'm going to do my best to explain the situation.

My "girlfriend" of 2.5 years and I have been on a break since mid October. Her reasoning behind it was that she was extremely busy with school, trying to graduate, and some problems in the relationship were causing her to not perform well. We would talk on occassion but nothing near what we usually would do. I had seen her once from mid September until the 1st week in December. The time I did see her I had to somewhat "force" her to okay us going out. She had previously explained that she wanted to work on the relationship but I told her that that wasn't really possible because despite all of what was going on she was not trying the slightest bit. I expleined to her that I couldn't work on the issues going on on my end if she always told me that she was busy. I went on to explain to her how it hurt me that whenever she would say she was gonna spend her time studying she would end up not doing it and didn't make any attempts to work out the kinks. I said she was overly focused to some extent. So we went out and she did say that it meant a lot to her for me to come and see her (2 hr drive 1 way to spend about 3 hours together). I also explained how things had gotten to the point to where I never expected her to return phone calls when she said she would.

Time passes and we begin to talk a little bit more, especially when finals start rolling around and I'm my usualy supportive self trying to keep my mind clear throught this rollercoaster of emotion. She passes her finals and I'm overjoyed because she has completed a milestone in her life and because I feel like a sense of normality will be returning to my life. I talk to her that night to see if she wants to go out or something and she declines, which initially upset me, but says we can do something the next day. The next day comes and we end up double dating with my cousin and his lady. While waiting for the others to arrive we are sitting in the car talking and she can tell that I'm a bit distant. She tells me that I don't have to be so distant because "I have her now". Well we seated at the restaurant and while waiting we end up holding hands and she tells me "I missed holding hands". The night continues and the general consensus is that things are progressing in the right direction. We talk a few days later and she tells me that the break thing really had nothing to do with me and that she has noticed a pattern of her finding things wrong in relationships and she believes that this is what was occurring.

Last week she graduated and we had talked before about how she wanted me to be there so I went. There was no 2nd thoughts on that from my end. Now the turmoil is coming from her saying that there are a bunch of questions in her head and she isn't sure of some things in her life and she is trying to basically do what is best for her. While I'm all for her doing that, it is tearing me up with the level of uncertainty and in my eyes inconsistency going on. I went back on my personal word and reminded her of my mom's family's Christmas dinner coming up and she said that she is still going. I did tell her that I think we need to talk about things some more first.

She does say that she wants me in her life but she is really wanting to clear some of her personal issues up. Part of me feels like a fool for sticking through this and part of me feels like she is worth going through this for.

Sorry for the wall of text, I just really felt the need to get this off my chest.

AlethiaSi · #2 12-19-2007, 04:54 PM

first of all, don't be sorry, it is completely understandable that you should feel this way! I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to be on the fringes of this relationship, and wondering what would happen from day to day (week to week).
You ultimately will decide if staying with her or continuing to work on this is worth it. I always think that you will reach your own threshold, and it will be what's best for you when the time is right. I know it's easy for me to say trust your instincts, but no amount of talking about this with other people will necessarily change your mind, either way.
I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I hope that things work out the best for YOU!

FSUZeta · #3 12-19-2007, 04:58 PM

animate, i just read your post. no wonder you feel an emotional wreck. sounds like you have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions-and your girl too.

from what you wrote, it sounds like your girl is searching for something, but she might just not know what it is she is searching for. whatever it is, it comes across that she feels unsettled with her life. until she figures out what she is looking for, the roller coaster ride will probably continue.

maybe she is worried about becoming a 9 to 5 adult. maybe she is trying to decide whether to continue her relationship with you or whether it should be taken to the next level. maybe she just needs to grow up a little.

you will need to decide if you are willing to stay on the ride, or if it is time to break free. you sound like a real stand up guy-i feel that you will take your girlfriends feelings into consideration when you make your decision. wishing you the best outcome.

1908Revelations · #4 12-19-2007, 04:58 PM

(((HUGS)))

Senusret I · #5 12-19-2007, 05:00 PM

Bro.... I'm so sorry I didn't pay more attention to you this week. I vented a lot of my problems on you without even asking if you were okay. I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

All I can say is that it is good that the lines of communication are open between you and she. 90 percent of most problems anywhere stem from miscommunication. Continue to seek that understanding you need and you'll find it.

nikki1920 · #6 12-19-2007, 05:41 PM

If she's asking you for space, then give it to her. It seems like she's confused about something, as other posters are saying, and needs some space to figure it out.

If she is worth it to you, give her some space to stretch her wings out. If she returns to you, then you have your answer. It sounds like you are trying--without meaning to--force her to come to the same level of emotion that you have for her. Stop forcing it. Don't hold on to her so tightly that she feels trapped. Tell her that you will be there for her when she's ready, and then back off a bit.

((hugs))

Animate · #7 12-19-2007, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki1920

If she's asking you for space, then give it to her. It seems like she's confused about something, as other posters are saying, and needs some space to figure it out.

If she is worth it to you, give her some space to stretch her wings out. If she returns to you, then you have your answer. It sounds like you are trying--without meaning to--force her to come to the same level of emotion that you have for her. Stop forcing it. Don't hold on to her so tightly that she feels trapped. Tell her that you will be there for her when she's ready, and then back off a bit.

((hugs))

Interesting take. I thought I was giving her space, maybe she needs more, maybe not. I'll probably bring it up with her. You may have a point about me unknowingly trying to force her into things. That is actually something that she said she doesn't want to do, which I can understand.

James · #8 12-19-2007, 06:29 PM

Act as if you are no longer going out and live your life accordingly. You are no longer together.

Treat her with respect and courtesy but allow her to initiate contact for now, at least until you start establishing a single guy pattern.

A healthy dose of indifference could be exactly what she needs to put things in perspective. If she doesn't care that you are not around, you have an answer. If she does care she may realize she is losing you and stop playing weird mind games.

Edited to add: you are way to available to her. She isn't showing you anywhere near the same level of respect. I am offended that she has tortured you for a semester and I am not even you.

33girl · #9 12-19-2007, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James

Act as if you are no longer going out and live your life accordingly. You are no longer together.

Treat her with respect and courtesy but allow her to initiate contact for now, at least until you start establishing a single guy pattern.

A healthy dose of indifference could be exactly what she needs to put things in perspective. If she doesn't care that you are not around, you have an answer. If she does care she may realize she is losing you and stop playing weird mind games.

Edited to add: you are way to available to her. She isn't showing you anywhere near the same level of respect. I am offended that she has tortured you for a semester and I am not even you.

Yup.

It could be she's trying to get you to break up with her because she doesn't have the balls to do it herself. I know all about that, I did it. (I was 18, cut me slack.)

AKA_Monet · #10 12-19-2007, 06:48 PM

Animate-

You must really LOVE this young lady to say all the things you are saying without hateful language and anger. You are really trying hard to make this relationship workout.

In ONE word, what do you LOVE about this girl? You don't have to answer me, and the answer should come immediately on your tongue... If it does, then you know what you must do for this holiday, even if it comes out of a candy machine...

But, if it is tough, then you have to allow it be broken off. Sure, as friends and duties, you can spend time during the holidays. But, when it is over, it over. Take time to get over that.

What I think it is, her holiday times are not like your holiday times. She is having a tough time balancing the time for two. It sounds like she cares for you, and she knows how you enjoy the holidays with your family, she may or may not have similar experiences. If she does not have similar experiences, she knows that she has to scrip and scrape for everything she gets. That is why she is strongly focused.

It does not sound like there is somebody else. It just seems that the more you pressure her about your relationship status and doing things with her, the more she is pulling away, because like she said, she has confusion, when you press her.

You want her to enter your serious relationship willingly. She may feel she has not lived a life she wants, yet. You need to allow her to do that. However, you need to make clear, you will move forward, too...

Sweetheart, you email me if you have difficulty... And remember, what Christmas is all about...

AKA_Monet · #11 12-19-2007, 06:50 PM

Animate--

BREATHE!!!

In 5-10 second inhale/exhale breaths...

You need to regain your mindfulness and peace...

SthrnZeta · #12 12-20-2007, 12:23 PM

I agree with 33 - it sounds like a wussy way of breaking up with someone - I also did it at age 19 with a guy I dated for 3 years. I would say you're there for her and then back off and let her initiate contact. Live your life for yourself and if she comes around, then fine, but it sounds to me like it's time to move on. You should be with someone that wants to be with you, you can't keep waiting around for her to feel it too, that's not fair to you.

AlphaFrog · #13 12-20-2007, 12:29 PM

This all sounds exactly like what happened when I broke up with the ex-fiance. I tried flat-out breaking up with him, but he kept crying and begging me not to...so then I just became unavalible and "forgot" to return phone calls. I met with him a couple times, just to make sure I was doing the right thing for me, but eventually (after a few incidents) it finally ended.

VAgirl18 · #14 12-20-2007, 12:37 PM

Co-sign with 33, Sthrn, and AF.

Infamous12 · #15 12-20-2007, 01:48 PM

(((Animate)))

I hate to use cliches and sayings, but pretty much if it's meant to be, it will be. Just as others have said, for the moment - let her go. If she decides that you are who she wants and you still want to be with her then great! If not, don't call yourself a fool for sticking around - just consider it a learning experience.

Even during this time of uncertainty, remember the reason for the season. Keep the love of Christ in your heart. Share great times with family, friends, frats and all sorts of loved ones. Use the time that you may have spent with your ladyfriend with your mother, or aunt or old friends.

Best of luck to you...