Advice Needed

[butterflyblue]

Hi. I am new to GreekChat but have lurked for a little while. I am in a bad situation and want some advice..

Let me start from the beginning:

I am a junior and rushed last year as a sophomore. I went into rush with my heart set on one sorority (ABC) as a lot of my friends were in that sorority and I felt like they were the best match for me. I also loved everything about ABC: their philanthropy, their local involvement -- everything -- I felt like it was perfect. ABC was sort of a "middle" tier house but I didn't care.

I went through rush and tried to keep an open mind, and while I liked a few of the other sororities I did not really feel completely comfortable anywhere but ABC.

I preffed three sororities including ABC. My Rho Gamma told my group that if we were invited back for prefs, it meant that the group really liked us it was now their job to convince us to pick THEM, not vice versa. When I went to ABC's pref ceremony I was so touched that I cried. I was preffed by a friend who told me I didn't really have anything to worry about.

I was debating whether or not to suicide ABC, but my Rho Gamma said that it's really bad to suicide and convinced me to keep all 3 sororities on my bid card.

When bid day came, I got a bid from my third choice, XYZ! I was shocked. I cried and thought about not accepting, but if you turn down a bid you can't rush for a year. I didn't think I could take going through formal rush again, esepcially as a junior. My choices were either to accept my bid or never be in a sorority. (My school doesnt really have any COB since all chapters pretty much meet quota except for maybe one, and we only have rush in the spring.) After rush I wanted to be in a sorority so badly that I decided to accept my bid and give the other sorority a chance.

For a little while I was happy and I eventually was initiated, but I still haven't gotten over not getting a bid from ABC. To make things worse, ABC got all of "the pretty girls" last year, and now is the top house on campus. Every time I see a girl in that sorority I can't stop thinking about how ABC wanted them and not me. I don't feel like I'm a good fit in my sorority and sometimes I wish I never joined. I also wonder what would have happened had I rushed as a freshman (when ABC wasn't a top house) because I wonder if I would have had a better chance of getting a bid.

I know that it's too late and I will never be an ABC, but I cant stop thinking about them. I don't know if I made the right decision by accepting a bid to XYZ when i didnt think it was the right match for me.

I know everyone here either accepted a bid to their top choice or went through rush again.. I wish it had been that easy. I dont know what to do ...

Any advice is welcome

Amanda

[Kevin]

Amanda,

My advice is that you need to make the best of your situation. If you don't like your sorority -- and I mean your WHOLE SORORITY, not just your chapter, fine, drop. Just be sure that 20 years from now you won't be wishing that you could join the alumnae organization, etc.

Otherwise, what the hell good does it do you to feel like you were denied what you wanted? It turns out that someone did give you a bid and you accepted. Why not work to make your house better than the one that passed you over?

I helped to found my chapter. We started with nothing. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for someone who joins something, has a fairly good experience and then decides it's not all they wanted. Well heck, now you're in a position to either quit or make it all you wanted it to be.

Those are really the two choices as I see them. Feeling dejected and such doesn't accomplish anything though.

[ADPiAkron]

Originally posted by butterflyblue
I know everyone here either accepted a bid to their top choice or went through rush again.. I wish it had been that easy. I dont know what to do ...

Oh honey that is so not true. I know plenty of people who got their second and even third choice, and they are just as happy. I think you should work to make your chapter what you want it to be. If you just sit back and watch "ABC" rule the campus or whatever, then you will continue to be upset. My advice to you is to stand up and be proud you are a member of your sorority and work hard to make it what you want it to be-- make those ABCs want to be XYZs!!

[adpiucf]

Amanda,

It is very common for members to experience feelings of sadness or withdrawal in their second year of membership. Whether XYZ was your first choice or your 10th, it is hard to go from being the petted new member getting presents and special attention, to one of the older sisters who is there to mentor a new class and recruit.

You can't do anything about ABC. You are an XYZ. Clearly, they saw something special in you. I am sure all of the sororities did. You are an XYZ. Dropping out of XYZ isn't going to make you an ABC. To be harsh, you need to get over it.

Go talk to your chapter president or a member of exec about how you are feeling. They will make a special effort to help you feel more welcomed.

But remember-- being in a sorority is not the end-all of life. If you don't like being in a sorority, than drop out. The grass is always greener on the other side and EVERY chapter faces internal drama, conflict, etc... none are perfect, not even the perceived "top" chapters.

So my advice-- you need to get over this and accept how your life is today. Talk to someone you trust, involve yourself in your school work, campus life and sorority life and decide-- do I want to be an XYZ. Also remember, being an XYZ isn't preventing you from being friends with ABC's.

If your biggest problem in life is that you think you're wearing the wrong letters on your t-shirt, you are very lucky person indeed.

[33girl]

Amanda,

If ABC had gotten a pledge class full of girls who looked like they got hit with ugly sticks and none of the fraternities wanted anything to do with them, would you still want to be there?

ADPiAkron's post is so right on. You can continue to be miserable wishing you were an ABC, or you can be proud you're an XYZ and make yourself happy.

[winneythepooh7]

Originally posted by adpiucf
But remember-- being in a sorority is not the end-all of life. If you don't like being in a sorority, than drop out. The grass is always greener on the other side and EVERY chapter faces internal drama, conflict, etc... none are perfect, not even the perceived "top" chapters.

So my advice-- you need to get over this and accept how your life is today. Talk to someone you trust, involve yourself in your school work, campus life and sorority life and decide-- do I want to be an XYZ. Also remember, being an XYZ isn't preventing you from being friends with ABC's.

If your biggest problem in life is that you think you're wearing the wrong letters on your t-shirt, you are very lucky person indeed. [/B]

Couldn't say it better myself. Also some orgs are better at hiding internal problems then others. I also think that WE make up our organization. If you are going to stand on the sidelines and do nothing, then you are part of the problem, and not part of the solution. I don't mean to sound harsh but you have an opportunity to make lots of great friends and great memories. Go for that instead of longing to be part of something you only see from the outside that may not be as great as you think. We all at one time or another have probably thought "I wish I pledged xyz instead of my org" but you know what, you joined your org, so try to make the best of it. Also as mentioned above, you can still be friends with the girls from the other GLO.

[Jill1228]

Adpiucf, you are da woman! I so wanna be you! (I need that bowing smiley)

What she said...and I need to add...get rid of that top tier, bottom tier attitude BS.

XYZ wanted you. Sometimes the grass ain't always greener. XYZ is more than just YOUR chapter. Go to regional conferences. Go to convention...you will find out that XYZ is for you!

It is common to second guess choices...we all do! Get over it!

Originally posted by adpiucf
Amanda,

It is very common for members to experience feelings of sadness or withdrawal in their second year of membership. Whether XYZ was your first choice or your 10th, it is hard to go from being the petted new member getting presents and special attention, to one of the older sisters who is there to mentor a new class and recruit.

You can't do anything about ABC. You are an XYZ. Clearly, they saw something special in you. I am sure all of the sororities did. You are an XYZ. Dropping out of XYZ isn't going to make you an ABC. To be harsh, you need to get over it.

Go talk to your chapter president or a member of exec about how you are feeling. They will make a special effort to help you feel more welcomed.

But remember-- being in a sorority is not the end-all of life. If you don't like being in a sorority, than drop out. The grass is always greener on the other side and EVERY chapter faces internal drama, conflict, etc... none are perfect, not even the perceived "top" chapters.

So my advice-- you need to get over this and accept how your life is today. Talk to someone you trust, involve yourself in your school work, campus life and sorority life and decide-- do I want to be an XYZ. Also remember, being an XYZ isn't preventing you from being friends with ABC's.

If your biggest problem in life is that you think you're wearing the wrong letters on your t-shirt, you are very lucky person indeed.

[FSUZeta]

and i have an anecdote to prove it. back in the day, when i was a rush counselor, at our first training session, we had a very special visitor, the national panhellenic president, a chi omega initiated at the university of mississippi. she gave us a great talk and included in it something she shared with her daughter as she got ready to go thru formal recruitment, and she urged us to share it with any pnm from our group who was feeling a little disillusioned. she said," i told my daughter that i would love it if she pledged chi omega, because i hold it so dear. but it might not the be the right fit for her and she might choose another group. or the chi omegas may think that she would be happier in another chapter. but no matter which group she joins, she should give that chapter her all, and try to make it the very best chapter on her campus. and be happy with her choice." sage advice then and sage advice now. find a way to be happy with your choice and work to make it everything you know it can be. you will have one more year as a collegian after this and then many. many years as an alumna. and its a whole nother world out there as an alumna. i feel closer to some of my alumna sisters(who hail from all over) than i do with some of my chapter sisters.
i wish you the same!

[PM_Mama00]

I know a girl who got her 2nd choice and couldn't be happier. I could never picture her in her 1st choice. But that's besides the point.

She was happy on Bid Day, but she also made the best of her decision. Try to enjoy what you have, and if you still can't, then think about your options.

[ejbiff]

Hey Amanda~
I'm sorry to hear that you're not 100% happy with your chapter. Try to make the best of your time left in college. Go out and participate in everything you can with your chapter. Think about it this way- ABC obviously liked you enough to pref you, but at the same time, they liked you enough to let another chapter be home. ABC must have seen something deep inside that told them you would be happier at XYZ and they took that into consideration when they extended bids. Don't assume that everyone else got their top bids, because more than likely they didn't. Those people have learned that their 3nd or 3rd choice is their true home and don't let people know they aren't at their 1st choice. I hope your time left in college is happier. Just remember- every year is a new year and ABC won't be the "top" chapter anymore!

[honeychile]

I don't know if anything I say is going to be as pithy as the wonderful advice you've already gotten. I will add that the bid matching system is more complex than you realize, and could have played a MAJOR role in why you're now an XYZ.

That said, a good friend once said to me, "If you go somewhere, and you're not having a good time, you have nobody to blame but yourself." Great advice for a party, great advice for life!

The change in XYZ starts with YOU! Your demeanor can start a tidal wave of excitement, and might be the beginning of the crowning achievement of XYZ! Once you decide - you, and you alone! - that you're pretty darn proud of sorority and everything it stands for, your enthusiasm will become contagious!

Good luck, and know that you DO have it inside you to be the best!!

[valkyrie]

Okay seriously, what does the concept of "making your sorority what you want it to be" involve exactly? We're giving butterflyblue a lot of advice here, but is it really realistic? How much impact can one person have on an organization, and how?

I understand the concept of trying to bring about change in a collegiate chapter by taking on a leadership role and working hard at recruitment and things like that, but is that really getting to the heart of the issue here?

When I hear someone say that she's unhappy with her organization, I tend to think that it's less about what her sisters look like (although that was mentioned here) and what fraternities they hang out with and their organization's role on campus. What if someone is just not compatible with most of the other members? That's not really something that can be changed -- if everyone in your house wants to listen to Bryan Adams, do laundry on a Friday night, have Bible study and talk about their glorious high school days on a farm in Iowa, how do you relate to them when you're from Chicago and want to go out dancing to house music and don't believe in God? What if that's the problem?

In any event, yes, I encourage you to do what you can to work to change your organization into something better, if that's going to help. Otherwise, if it's more of a compatibility issue, maybe it's not the right place for you, although I would encourage you to keep in mind, as mentioned by others, that your collegiate years are short and your opportunities for alumnae involvement with your organization will be there for the rest of your life.

[mmcline]

I thought I would post my story so you know you are not alone.

When I went through rush, it was my freshman year. I had only heard of one of the sororities before, XYZ, so I thought thats where I would go, but then i met people in ABC and like it too. For pref. I was one of very few girls invited back to all 3 sororities. I chose though only to go to XYZ and ABC's pref. and not the 3rd sororties.Then on my pref. card I put only 2 and did not inclue the 3rd one at all, they were very small and I thought they were kinda weird. So the 3rd was not even an option for me at all.

Anyways, bid day, I got a call from my rho chi,( who at the time I didn't know was a sister in the 3rd sorority) and she told me I did not get a bid from the 2 sororities. I was devestated and cried all morning. But later that afternoon the 3rd sorority called offering me a snap bid. I didn't know what to do, but I reluctantly said yes, b/c I wanted to be in a sorority. Well, after getting to know the sisters I was realized, yes I was totally different from them, but they tried their hardest to make me feel welcome. At the time it was hard b/c my roommate went ABC and the ABC president actually told me I would have been an ABC if I had put them first and not 2nd on my pref. card. But I was in this 3rd sorority now, it took me awhile to realize that I could not change the past and what happened was meant to happen for some reason.

I did end up depinning my sophmore year, but regretted every min. of it and I am proud to say I just got my membership reinstated a month ago!! I helped my sorority grow, everyone says that I was different from the other sisters and people could relate to me more and I worked so hard to make sure everyone on campus knew we were "normal" girls and not weird. The sisters in the chapter now, I recruited heavily through COB and now the chapter is growing and becoming the "it" sorority. Sorority images change all the time. You can work hard to make your sorority the "it" sorority, and make it your own. Anyways, thats my story, so I have been where you have been. I am proud now to say I am an AST and have realized this is where I am meant to be.

[butterflyblue]

you guys are right.. i do have a few good friends in my chapter that i probably wouldnt have met otherwise... so i think i will stick with it for now at least

one clarification: when i mentioned the "tier" etc i meant that when i rushed and when i liked ABC they WERENT #1 and i didnt care.. i still liked them (in fact XYZ was probably of higher status at the time) however, almost everyone wanted ABC during my rush, which i guess is how they got all of the "pretty girls" and ended up the top sorority this year

i guess i dont fit my sororoties stereotype at all.. (And a lot of my sisters do) but things can always change

[pinkyphimu]

is it really about fitting into your house's stereotype? does the stereotype ever really fit a chapter? i know mine didn't. i guess i am just confused. are you unhappy with your house because you have internal problems/ don't get along with your sisters/ have no friends in the house/ wish you hung out with "better" fraternities, etc? if it is because you are just sitting around wishing that you were an abc instead of an xyz, then i bet you really haven't gotten a chance to really befriend the other women in the chapter. sometimes when we are so caught up in looking at the other side of the street...we ignore our own side and the grass grows wild and our lawn is filled with weeds. if you feel like your sisters don't call or haven't noticed how you may have withdrawn...then that is definately something you can fix. people are not mind readers...if you say no three times to requests to go out, etc, then they will stop asking. instead of people saying, "gee, i wonder if everything is ok" they will probably think you are just too busy/snobby/otherwise involved, etc. the world will not stop to fit you into it...you definately have to put your self out there and get involved. you don't need to run for president to be involved, but go to sisterhood nights...attend dinners...socials, etc. with a smile and really get to know the women you are with. unfortunately, since you have been initiated, you do not have the chance to become an abc (well, if all groups are npcs), so it is really not worth spending time wondering about the "what ifs." for the rest of your life, you will be an xyz and will have opportunities to meet women who are xyzs from the fat/blonde/peppy/nerdy/weird/happy/well-rounded/ top tier/ bottom tier/ somewhere in between tier chapters.....and they will all be your sisters.