Put Your Offensive or Sick Joke Here (not for the faint hearted)

[tinydancer]

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I just sent that one to several people. Hey, they needed to know!

[hootchpdt]

what's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
albert einstein's dick


einstein is at a party, and goes up to this man and says, "excuse me, what is your IQ?" the man replies "150" einstein says "great, we can talk about physics and high levels of math" so they talk a little bit, then einstein leaves and goes to this woman and asks her the same question. she replies "115" einstein says "great, we can talk about politics and history" they talk for a bit, then eintstein goes up to another guest and says "what is your IQ?" the man replies "75" einstein says "how 'bout them raiders!"


what's the difference between a dollar and a raider?
there are 4 quarters in a dollar

a *insert stereotype here( i.e. mexican, black, italian, redneck, jew, etc., whichever is appropriate for the setting)* walks into a bar with a big pile of shit in his hand and goes "HEY GUYS, LOOK WHAT I ALMOST STEPPED IN!"

[hootchpdt]

here you go fellas. use this with care. sorry ladies, the position is filled, and i am not taking aps. no, i did not make this. a friend of mine did

www.geocities.com/djsundquist/gf.html

[The1calledTKE]

A real insurance claim...

S.C. Anderson
************
Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a
more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to
Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put `Stupidity'. I realize now that this answer was
somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the
circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick
bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took
care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had
planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of
the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking
my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force,
returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of
my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's
lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain
caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when
one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not
a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking
mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and
subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force
the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating
myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a
minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and
rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly
arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention
of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the
device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device,
she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called
the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two
police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 `On-the-Spot'
news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as
this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team
discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall
that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His
discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the
stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property
destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did
not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an
intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the
device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue
truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced
to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to
think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the
device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen.
First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing
items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally
achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the
device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact
with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third,
molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut
through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage
to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big
enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The
EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give
a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I
thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely,

S. Anderson

[xok85xo]

Originally posted by zntke711
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're
richer than you.


You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,
little woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism inAmerica.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because
he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

ctfu..especially at the last one

[AlphaGamDiva]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $20.00.......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."

[The1calledTKE]

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks
his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between
potential and reality?"


His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to
you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a
million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've
learned."


The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around
slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your
father, but, yes, I would."


Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you
a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up
and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"


The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it
out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality,
we are living with a couple of whores."

[The1calledTKE]

I know its not on this thread but may be a repeat somewhere...

A guy is travelling the wild and wooly west when a band of Indian warriors
capture him. He is tied to a stake and the chief is about to light a fire
under him. The guy yells, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT!!! Could I have one last request
before you burn me at the stake." The Chief is surprised that this guy would
even dare to make such a request. The chief then says, "So what is your last
request?!?!?" The guy says, "Could I talk to my horse?"

Well the Indian chief is floored by such a request but calls for one of the
braves to bring the guy's horse. The guy wispers in the horse's ear, The
horse gallops over the hill and in a couple minutes comes back carrying a
blonde girl on it back. The chief then says "Okay, I'll give you a half an
hour with the girl." The several warriors untie the guy, put the guy and girl
in a teepee, half hour later take the guy out, tie him up again.

The chief again goes to light the fire but the guy again says "HOLD IT, HOLD
IT... Can I have another request before you burn me at the stake." The chief,
getting perturbed says, "Now what is your request??" The guys asks "Can I
talk to my horse again, just one more time." The chief calls for the horse to
be brought again.

The horse is brought again and again the guy wispers in the horse's ear. The
horse gallops over a hill and comes back with a burnette girl this time. The
chief says "Okay I'll give you another half hour with this girl." The
warriors untie the guy put the guy and girl in the teepee, half an hour goes
by the guy is brought out, and tied to the stake. The chief one more goes to
light the fire.

Again the guy yells, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT, I just want one more request. This
will be the last time. I will not ask for anything more." The chief is damn
angry but says "Okay, this is it. This is the last thing you can ask for. You
have run out of requests..."

The guy again asks for his horse. A brave brings the horse. The guy grabs
the horse by both sides of the head and shakes it saying, "POSSE, you stupid
horse, POSSE. Read my lips P-O-S-S-E!!!!"

[The1calledTKE]

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
Mypenis:

- Mypenis ate my homework.

- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
leash.

- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

- I love giving Mypenis a bath.

- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.

- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.

- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady
next door.

- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to
carry.

- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

- Help! I can't find Mypenis!

- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.

- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to
the hospital.

- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.

- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

- Stop kicking Mypenis.

- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be
blown.

- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.

- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.

- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when
standing at attention.

- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.

- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.

- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.

- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.

- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.

[smiley21]

zntke- that is too cute..LMAO!!

[The1calledTKE]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva

there are 4 types of orgasms:
the really, really good kind--"OH YES!!! OOOOOOH YEEEEESSSSSSS!!! YESYESYES!!"
the really, really bad kind--oh no....nono.....noooooooooo....awwww"
the holy kind--"OH GOD! OH GOOOOOD! OH! MY! GOD!"
and the fake kind--"oh, KITSO.....mmm........KITSO!!!!"

LMAO how did I miss that!

[The1calledTKE]

One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air
force general are having an argument about whose branch
of the military is braver.
So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch
that falling anchor!"
The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs
under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it.
The admiral turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that
was bravery."
The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private,
stop that moving tank!"
The private snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!" and is
crushed under the tank while trying to stop it.
The army general turns back to the others and says,
"Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the air force general takes his turn. "Airman,
catch that landing plane."
The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir."
The air force general turns to the others and says,
"Gentlemen, _that_ took balls."

[AlphaGamDiva]

Originally posted by zntkkkkkke711
LMAO how did I miss that!

omg...how DID you iss that? geez, tke...pay atention!

that is my all-time best jok eever in the historyu of monica jokes....i told it the other day at work...used dick, adn then onf of my mangres when i had to tell it agin....priceless....i'm telin ya.....

of course, that ony incredsed myt popuarity at the ol' workpalce!

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
omg...how DID you iss that? geez, tke...pay atention!

that is my all-time best jok eever in the historyu of monica jokes....i told it the other day at work...used dick, adn then onf of my mangres when i had to tell it agin....priceless....i'm telin ya.....

of course, that ony incredsed myt popuarity at the ol' workpalce!

they're called vowels.

try using them, they make your posts 10X more readable.

Kitso
KS 361 times i've typed Kitos and then had to edit it to Kitso

[hootchpdt]

osama bin laden dies and goes straight to hell. the devil greets him and says that he would like him to sit at his table, but he would need to someone to leave. any person that osama wants to leave the table would be kicked out. they go into the first persons room and but on gas masks because of all the smoke. there is a man sitting at the table with a wall full of cigars behind him, after he finishes one, the next is lit. osama says that he is not a smoker, so fidel can stay. they go to the next room and see a pool of water. up pops a man and osama says, i cannot swim, i am from the f*cking desert, so manuel can stay. they go to the third room and see a guy laying there, getting a blowjob. he is having the time of his life, and osama says, hell yes i can see me doing that for the rest of eternity. the devil says, "okay, monica you can go now"


why are there cakes at a portugeuse wedding?
to keep the flies off the bride