What do you feel like saying, right now?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

Wow! That would suck to just settle up with somebody you are no longer in love with. Do y’all still talk on the phone? That’s what I remember. I remember that y’all have long conversations on the phone. I’m assuming he’s giving you updates on his situation?

People who are in happy marriages have to really be in love with each other because I have too many frat brothers and friends of mine who are either divorced or going through one. I’d hate to be them. I have a friend who’s going through a divorce who stopped having sex with his wife because he doesn’t want any kids with her because she’s crazy.

So, we were talking on the phone every other day or so and messaging all day every day for the past 5 months. She had left to hike the Appalachian Trail by herself in late February. He visited her on the trail in March for their anniversary and they fought the whole time. He was supposed to visit her in May and June both, but both times, she told him not to come a week before he was supposed to leave. Last week, she was bit by a tick and tested positive for Lyme Disease so she rented a car and went home with about 6 weeks of hiking left.

They had 5 years of good marriage followed by 3 years of pretty miserable conditions. She flies into rages over what shouldn’t be that big of a deal, like loading the dishwasher wrong. His hope was that she would “hike the mean out of her” on this hike- that it would be transformational for her and she would return to her “old self”. He has asked her to go to marriage counseling (before the hike) and she said she would, but he wouldn’t like what he would hear. When she told him she was coming home early, he went into full panic mode, dreading her return and his loss of peace. He got married with every intention of making it work and I admire that he’s taking all the steps he possibly can to make it work. He didn’t take his vows lightly. He wouldn’t be the person I’d want if he wasn’t that dedicated to trying to make things work out. He said he was going to talk with her and tell her that if things go back to how they were, then he wants them to go to marriage counseling. If she refuses, then he’ll go alone. I do not know how things are going. I didn’t ask, he didn’t offer. I think that’s a phone conversation, not quick messages over Instagram. But I also think they will have a honeymoon period for a bit. I think they will likely fall back into old habits, but only time will tell. Only time will tell if he decides to go ahead and get out of that situation or just “live separate lives” while being married to each other, which is how he felt things were before she left for her hike.

I'll message here and there when he does, but they need time and space to figure out where they are going. And I'll continue to live my life in a way that's fulfilling for me. It's what I've done for the past 20 years and what I'll continue to do. If he ends up single, we'll see what happens then.

[PrettyBoy]

⬆️ That’s mental abuse. Is she bipolar?

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by AGDee

So, we were talking on the phone every other day or so and messaging all day every day for the past 5 months. She had left to hike the Appalachian Trail by herself in late February. He visited her on the trail in March for their anniversary and they fought the whole time. He was supposed to visit her in May and June both, but both times, she told him not to come a week before he was supposed to leave. Last week, she was bit by a tick and tested positive for Lyme Disease so she rented a car and went home with about 6 weeks of hiking left.

They had 5 years of good marriage followed by 3 years of pretty miserable conditions. She flies into rages over what shouldn’t be that big of a deal, like loading the dishwasher wrong. His hope was that she would “hike the mean out of her” on this hike- that it would be transformational for her and she would return to her “old self”. He has asked her to go to marriage counseling (before the hike) and she said she would, but he wouldn’t like what he would hear. When she told him she was coming home early, he went into full panic mode, dreading her return and his loss of peace. He got married with every intention of making it work and I admire that he’s taking all the steps he possibly can to make it work. He didn’t take his vows lightly. He wouldn’t be the person I’d want if he wasn’t that dedicated to trying to make things work out. He said he was going to talk with her and tell her that if things go back to how they were, then he wants them to go to marriage counseling. If she refuses, then he’ll go alone. I do not know how things are going. I didn’t ask, he didn’t offer. I think that’s a phone conversation, not quick messages over Instagram. But I also think they will have a honeymoon period for a bit. I think they will likely fall back into old habits, but only time will tell. Only time will tell if he decides to go ahead and get out of that situation or just “live separate lives” while being married to each other, which is how he felt things were before she left for her hike.

I'll message here and there when he does, but they need time and space to figure out where they are going. And I'll continue to live my life in a way that's fulfilling for me. It's what I've done for the past 20 years and what I'll continue to do. If he ends up single, we'll see what happens then.

Excuse my French, but she’s a straight up bitch. You should still give him support though. Sounds like when he’s talking to you, you give him peace. And I thought my girl was crazy. I couldn’t escape her ass though because she would send me crazy, controlling text messages while I was at work.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

⬆️ That’s mental abuse. Is she bipolar?

Lol

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

⬆️ That’s mental abuse. Is she bipolar?

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

Excuse my French, but she’s a straight up bitch. You should still give him support though. Sounds like when he’s talking to you, you give him peace. And I thought my girl was crazy. I couldn’t escape her ass though because she would send me crazy, controlling text messages while I was at work.

Lol

There is so much more to this story. Her husband of 22 years had passed away 3 months prior to them meeting. Within 3 months they were living together and 6 months later they got married. She pushed really hard for marriage. He didn’t want to get married. However, his girlfriend before this also pushed hard for marriage and he said no way. She cheated on him and they broke up. He thought, this time, that he should probably just do it so the same thing didn’t happen again.

My theory is that she was still pretty numb from grieving, was relieved to have someone fill the void she was feeling from her previous marriage and didn’t have the energy to act crazy because she was still grieving. He has talked with her daughter, kind of carefully, to find out if the rages always happened and the daughter said something like “she can be easily excitable”. Example- the daughter came to the house to help him clean every corner, nook and cranny before she came home so she didn’t go into a tirade.

I am there to listen to him but just encourage counseling. I also do NOT want him to leave her for me. They need to resolve their stuff, then we can figure out ours, if it comes to that. I won’t be the catalyst in this.

It's absolutely abuse. She has thrown up stuff in his face during fights that he told her about his childhood-really vulnerable stuff. Your partner should never be using your vulnerable moments as weapons in a fight.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

Lol

I’m actually being serious. If she’s sick, then he should get her some help, if he hasn’t already.

If she doesn’t have a mental illness, then he might want to start taking care of himself by looking out after his own mental health, by getting himself help, especially if she refuses to change. I say that because emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes, and can eventually destroy the personhood of the abused. That’s why an emotionally destructive marriage like his is not usually diagnosed by looking at a single episode of bad behavior, but rather repetitive attitudes and behaviors that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting their growth. That’s what’s she’s doing to him.

Originally Posted by AGDee

There is so much more to this story. Her husband of 22 years had passed away 3 months prior to them meeting. Within 3 months they were living together and 6 months later they got married. She pushed really hard for marriage. He didn’t want to get married. However, his girlfriend before this also pushed hard for marriage and he said no way. She cheated on him and they broke up. He thought, this time, that he should probably just do it so the same thing didn’t happen again.

My theory is that she was still pretty numb from grieving, was relieved to have someone fill the void she was feeling from her previous marriage and didn’t have the energy to act crazy because she was still grieving. He has talked with her daughter, kind of carefully, to find out if the rages always happened and the daughter said something like “she can be easily excitable”. Example- the daughter came to the house to help him clean every corner, nook and cranny before she came home so she didn’t go into a tirade.

I am there to listen to him but just encourage counseling. I also do NOT want him to leave her for me. They need to resolve their stuff, then we can figure out ours, if it comes to that. I won’t be the catalyst in this.

It's absolutely abuse. She has thrown up stuff in his face during fights that he told her about his childhood-really vulnerable stuff. Your partner should never be using your vulnerable moments as weapons in a fight.

Sounds like a void fill, to me. She’s definitely off. I hate to say it, but if I was him, if she’s not sick, I’d go ahead and get out of that one. Her behavior is showing a lack of awareness, a lack of responsibility, and a lack of change. Anytime you have to clean like that or lose peace due to your spouse coming home, or you dread seeing your spouse, it’s time to leave and take care of your own mental health. She’s either sick, or she’s got some real, unresolved, deep seeded issues.

[AGDee]

I don't think it's a biochemical mental illness like bi-polar. Personality disorder, maybe. The daughter is trying to avoid upsetting her all the time too. I worked in mental health for 13 years- it doesn't happen for two or three hours and then go away. That's anger management issues. This is someone in her 60s who had a very lucrative career and is retired now. My dad was a lot like this. He could act like the life of the party, greatest guy to be around and then some little thing would go wrong and he'd rage.

She was supposed to check in every time she arrived at a hostel while on her hike. Multiple times, she "forgot" to check in and he was calling the hostel front desk to try to make sure she had made it. How do you forget to check in with your SPOUSE when you're away from them? Would you not be excited to get to a place where you had wifi/cell signal and could touch base with them? I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone who FORGOT to call me while away for 6 months. None of it is right.

Again- he has to figure out what he's doing and things need to get resolved.

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by AGDee

There is so much more to this story. Her husband of 22 years had passed away 3 months prior to them meeting. Within 3 months they were living together and 6 months later they got married. She pushed really hard for marriage. He didn’t want to get married. However, his girlfriend before this also pushed hard for marriage and he said no way. She cheated on him and they broke up. He thought, this time, that he should probably just do it so the same thing didn’t happen again.

My theory is that she was still pretty numb from grieving, was relieved to have someone fill the void she was feeling from her previous marriage and didn’t have the energy to act crazy because she was still grieving. He has talked with her daughter, kind of carefully, to find out if the rages always happened and the daughter said something like “she can be easily excitable”. Example- the daughter came to the house to help him clean every corner, nook and cranny before she came home so she didn’t go into a tirade.

I am there to listen to him but just encourage counseling. I also do NOT want him to leave her for me. They need to resolve their stuff, then we can figure out ours, if it comes to that. I won’t be the catalyst in this.

It's absolutely abuse. She has thrown up stuff in his face during fights that he told her about his childhood-really vulnerable stuff. Your partner should never be using your vulnerable moments as weapons in a fight.

She’s lightweight compared to how my girl treated me. She’d go as low as she could with her insults.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I’m actually being serious. If she’s sick, then he should get her some help, if he hasn’t already.

If she doesn’t have a mental illness, then he might want to start taking care of himself by looking out after his own mental health, by getting himself help, especially if she refuses to change. I say that because emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes, and can eventually destroy the personhood of the abused. That’s why an emotionally destructive marriage like his is not usually diagnosed by looking at a single episode of bad behavior, but rather repetitive attitudes and behaviors that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting their growth. That’s what’s she’s doing to him.


Sounds like a void fill, to me. She’s definitely off. I hate to say it, but if I was him, if she’s not sick, I’d go ahead and get out of that one. Her behavior is showing a lack of awareness, a lack of responsibility, and a lack of change. Anytime you have to clean like that or lose peace due to your spouse coming home, or you dread seeing your spouse, it’s time to leave and take care of your own mental health. She’s either sick, or she’s got some real, unresolved, deep seated issues.

You’d divorce her if you were him? To be honest, I wouldn’t wait around to see if she had mental issues, I’d bounce. Lol. She’s batshit crazy, just like my girl. For real, I’d file for divorce and leave.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AGDee

She was supposed to check in every time she arrived at a hostel while on her hike. Multiple times, she "forgot" to check in and he was calling the hostel front desk to try to make sure she had made it. How do you forget to check in with your SPOUSE when you're away from them? Would you not be excited to get to a place where you had wifi/cell signal and could touch base with them? I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone who FORGOT to call me while away for 6 months. None of it is right.

Again- he has to figure out what he's doing and things need to get resolved.

I couldn’t agree more.

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

She’s lightweight compared to how my girl treated me. She’d go as low as she could with her insults.

Yeah, Phroze, but like him, didn’t you move in with your ex after knowing her for just a few months?

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

You’d divorce her if you were him?

I don’t know the entire situation. It’s easy to say what I’d do when I’m not wearing his shoes. But if I was, I’d first pray for the both of us, and allow faith to fix it. I know neither one of us would be able to fix it alone. It takes both the husband and the wife to do the work. If she’s not sick and is just abusing him, that’s unacceptable. You never, ever abuse, or disrespect your spouse. Are there going to be fights and disagreements? Absolutely, because there are two imperfect human beings in the marriage. That’s why the two of you cannot make it work alone. And you know who the third party is and has to be. No need for me to explain that.

If she’s sick, by all means, no, I would not leave her. I hope they can fix it, and I also hope he can get some help for his own mental health.

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

To be honest, I wouldn’t wait around to see if she had mental issues, I’d bounce. Lol. She’s batshit crazy, just like my girl. For real, I’d file for divorce and leave.

But that’s just it though. Many couples want to fall in love, but are unwilling to commit for the long term. They want love without commitment. They want involvement without commitment. They want the benefits of marriage — sex, security, and children — without the sacrifice. So they put conditions on their spouse based on society’s unrealistic expectations, and when those faulty expectations go unmet, then they want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

Marriage should be an empathetic union, man, where the needs of one are felt by the other — meaning that empathy is your willingness to open yourself up to the feelings and needs of the one you love and make them your own. But that has to work both ways. If you don’t grow together, you will grow apart. Growing apart is automatic. Growing together is a choice. That choice requires discipline and commitment.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

Excuse my French, but she’s a straight up bitch.

I have like 5 minutes before my next patient comes in, but I couldn’t wait until I left work to respond to what Dee posted. Made me so mad.

I agree, Phrozen Sands. She’s 100 percent purebred bitch.

You know what? If I was him, I’d put dirty dishes in the dishwasher with mounds of half-eaten food still on the plates, and then let her come home and see what I did. The minute she opened her mouth, I’d scream back at her and tell her “IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE WAY I PUT THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER, DO IT YOURSELF!!!!”

I am NOT going to twist and turn my words to keep someone from mistreating me. Absolutely not! I blame ATL Guy for allowing her to treat him that way.

She wouldn’t like it if he treated her that way. I wouldn’t care if she had bipolar or not! You treat people how you want to be treated.

So, when I used to work in ER, overnights, there was this vet that had been there like a really long time. Everyone there (except for me) was afraid of her. Another purebred bitch. For some reason, she REALLY had it out for me. She kept snapping at me, telling me the way I did things were wrong, telling me I need to put my hair up in a bun, and even told me ER isn’t a fashion show. I’m like are you serious?

I nipped that in the bud so fast, her head spun. I told her off into next year. Made her cry. And then one of the vet techs there told me that she’s got bipolar and probably didn’t take her meds. I told her, “Yes, she did take her meds! I just gave them to her. You see they’re working because she’s being very nice to me now.”

She never messed with me again. That’s what I call long term meds. Only have to give them to assholes once.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

But that’s just it though. Many couples want to fall in love, but are unwilling to commit for the long term. They want love without commitment. They want involvement without commitment. They want the benefits of marriage — sex, security, and children — without the sacrifice. So they put conditions on their spouse based on society’s unrealistic expectations, and when those faulty expectations go unmet, then they want to throw in the towel and call it quits.

Marriage should be an empathetic union, man, where the needs of one are felt by the other — meaning that empathy is your willingness to open yourself up to the feelings and needs of the one you love and make them your own. But that has to work both ways. If you don’t grow together, you will grow apart. Growing apart is automatic. Growing together is a choice. That choice requires discipline and commitment.

This!

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Yeah, Phroze, but like him, didn’t you move in with your ex after knowing her for just a few months?

I did, and that was a mistake I’ll never make again. Single life is better.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I have like 5 minutes before my next patient comes in, but I couldn’t wait until I left work to respond to what Dee posted. Made me so mad.

I agree, Phrozen Sands. She’s 100 percent purebred bitch.

You know what? If I was him, I’d put dirty dishes in the dishwasher with mounds of half-eaten food still on the plates, and then let her come home and see what I did. The minute she opened her mouth, I’d scream back at her and tell her “IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE WAY I PUT THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER, DO IT YOURSELF!!!!”

I am NOT going to twist and turn my words to keep someone from mistreating me. Absolutely not! I blame ATL Guy for allowing her to treat him that way.

She wouldn’t like it if he treated her that way. I wouldn’t care if she had bipolar or not! You treat people how you want to be treated.

So, when I used to work in ER, overnights, there was this vet that had been there like a really long time. Everyone there (except for me) was afraid of her. Another purebred bitch. For some reason, she REALLY had it out for me. She kept snapping at me, telling me the way I did things were wrong, telling me I need to put my hair up in a bun, and even told me ER isn’t a fashion show. I’m like are you serious?

I nipped that in the bud so fast, her head spun. I told her off into next year. Made her cry. And then one of the vet techs there told me that she’s got bipolar and probably didn’t take her meds. I told her, “Yes, she did take her meds! I just gave them to her. You see they’re working because she’s being very nice to me now.”

She never messed with me again. That’s what I call long term meds. Only have to give them to assholes once.

LMFAO!!!!! I hollered! Called dude’s wife a “purebred bitch.” Wow! Lol! That vet has issues. Sounds like jealousy, to me. I feel you though. People will use you as a punching bag if you allow them to, especially if they see you as weak or somebody that won’t put them in their place.

Short people always cussing somebody out Lol!

[AGDee]

I've learned a lot about him over the past 5-6 months. I've gotten to know him better than I ever did before. I do believe he'll take action if things don't change now that she's back. I never realized before how much he needs to feel connected. To the point that sometimes he'd just call and we'd both be cooking dinner, barely talking, but "connected". We started binge watching shows where we'd start the show at the same time and watch it together.

I honestly learned about myself too- and how much I enjoyed that connection. I hadn't felt that in years and years. I'm really missing it right now.

In seeing how important connection is to him, I let him know, the night before she came home, when neither of us wanted to hang up the phone, that as long as I'm alive, he'd never be alone. I think he needed to know that. I knew I needed to say it. I told him that I love him "not in the butterflies and rainbows way, but in to the core" and that I fel like I was losing my best friend. He said "Absolutely the same, but 10x more". That doesn't change anything though.

The past week has been incredibly hard. I feel like I lost my best friend. But, again, hope is not a strategy and I can't sit around waiting to live my life until there's action there. We spent time talking over the months about what a life together would look like. I would love for that to happen, but don't know that it will. My only option now is to keep living my life.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

I did, and that was a mistake I’ll never make again. Single life is better.


LMFAO!!!!! I hollered! Called dude’s wife a “purebred bitch.” Wow! Lol! That vet has issues. Sounds like jealousy, to me. I feel you though. People will use you as a punching bag if you allow them to, especially if they see you as weak or somebody that won’t put them in their place.

Short people always cussing somebody out Lol!

She is. There is no reason whatsoever for anyone to be unkind to someone else for no reason. Especially, YOUR SPOUSE!

I have no idea what my former coworker’s problem was with me. Maybe she was jealous, maybe she wasn’t. I don’t know what she would be jealous of. Either way, I didn’t do anything to her. After she got a mouthful from me though, she was super nice to me every time I worked with her. It was phony, but at least she wasn’t rude or unkind to me anymore.

Yep! I’ve always had a healthy relationship with my parents, my dad especially. I was very close to him. He always told me that people will do to you what you allow. I miss him… Sigh.

Originally Posted by AGDee

I've learned a lot about him over the past 5-6 months. I've gotten to know him better than I ever did before. I do believe he'll take action if things don't change now that she's back. I never realized before how much he needs to feel connected. To the point that sometimes he'd just call and we'd both be cooking dinner, barely talking, but "connected". We started binge watching shows where we'd start the show at the same time and watch it together.

I honestly learned about myself too- and how much I enjoyed that connection. I hadn't felt that in years and years. I'm really missing it right now.

In seeing how important connection is to him, I let him know, the night before she came home, when neither of us wanted to hang up the phone, that as long as I'm alive, he'd never be alone. I think he needed to know that. I knew I needed to say it. I told him that I love him "not in the butterflies and rainbows way, but in to the core" and that I fel like I was losing my best friend. He said "Absolutely the same, but 10x more". That doesn't change anything though.

The past week has been incredibly hard. I feel like I lost my best friend. But, again, hope is not a strategy and I can't sit around waiting to live my life until there's action there. We spent time talking over the months about what a life together would look like. I would love for that to happen, but don't know that it will. My only option now is to keep living my life.

I hope he does take action soon, because she’s not even trying. I was so done when you said she didn’t even call him to let him know she made it.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I hope he does take action soon, because she’s not even trying. I was so done when you said she didn’t even call him to let him know she made it.

Yeah, one time that he didn't hear from her, when he finally got ahold of her, she told him she had taken a zero day, stayed at the hostel an extra day and went to town to re-supply, did laundry, etc. So she had WiFi and cell signal ALL day and hadn't reached out. I can't imagine being married to someone who wasn't pining for me during a 6 month separation.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Yeah, one time that he didn't hear from her, when he finally got ahold of her, she told him she had taken a zero day, stayed at the hostel an extra day and went to town to re-supply, did laundry, etc. So she had WiFi and cell signal ALL day and hadn't reached out. I can't imagine being married to someone who wasn't pining for me during a 6 month separation.

I know, right? Tell me about it. She is like so disrespectful and very selfish. He’s trying to make it work and she isn’t. So, now it’s like their marriage is on a treadmill. He’s trying to move their marriage forward, hoping for a positive outcome, but going nowhere, because she’s not helping. And she’s not helping or trying because she doesn’t seem to even care.

[cheerfulgreek]

WIFLSRN: Looks like John did some more fixie daisies to GC, since it was down for a few.