Moving in with BF! I need advice.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

long post alert/

I think the context of this thread is couples that are thinking longterm and at least one person is hoping there will be a marriage, even if it is in the very distance future.

Eh this thread lost its context quite a ways ago. I still have no issue with cohabing itself. Do I think it's always wise? No. But neither do I think that maintaining separate residences is either.

If we were talking about couples that aren't thinking marriage and at least one person isn't even secretly hoping to marry the other person, I'd say cohabitation may work as long as they are old enough and mature enough to share such a big responsibility with a significant other. I would recommend that they think about the logistics of it all (what the future holds, whether they want dependents, economic stuff, property stuff). If they are going into it blind and thinking love conquers all, I'd say spare themselves and everyone else the pain and keep their own living space.

Marriage itself works the same way though.

It's funny because I have a friend who has lived with her significant other for about 8 years. We have discussed this topic numerous times over the years and her comments have predictably changed from "I don't want to get married, I just want to shack" to "I've been thinking more about marriage and whether I want children." I just say "uh huh."


On the other hand, I have about 5 colleagues ages 35-60 yo who have significant others, and a few of them have children together, that they've lived with for 10+ years. These people never intended to get married and they haven't waivered. They are considered a cohabitation success story but also could be considered a failure for the sanctity of marriage because they are "playing house."

/long post alert

The concept of the sanctity of marriage in a civil sense is bullshit, in my humble opinion. Marriage can be sacred in a religious or spiritual sense, but the government doesn't and shouldn't give a shit. And if I don't belong to a particular belief structure, they should keep their noses and butts out of my private life. And that's true whether I am open about my life or not.

I have many friends who have been handfasted as a legal ceremony or instead of a legal ceremony and the sacredness, the sanctity, of their relationships is no more or less than any other religious ceremony. But neither is the triad who are all three handfasted to each other.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

Oh no, no, no. The correct response is: "What? I don't know that! Aggggggggh!"

After you have been jettisoned off of the Bridge of Death, Sir Bedevere would ask how I know so much about swallows, to which I would have to reply "Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know."

Now it's off to bed for me -- alas, without any of the peril.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Oh no, no, no. The correct response is: "What? I don't know that! Aggggggggh!"

After you have been jettisoned off of the Bridge of Death, Sir Bedevere would ask how I know so much about swallows, to which I would have to reply "Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know."

Now it's off to bed for me -- alas, without any of the peril.

I know the right response, but I didn't want to get thrown off a bridge.

Can't i just face a little peril?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Can't i just face a little peril?

No, it's too perilous.

[ElieM]

Fetchez la vache!

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Eh this thread lost its context quite a ways ago.

I don't think so.

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Marriage itself works the same way though.

Of course but I'm talking about cohabitation.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I don't think so.



Of course but I'm talking about cohabitation.

Ah perhaps that was just MC and I's detour down the crazy train then.

I know you're talking about cohabitation, but the concepts you're discussing aren't unique to it, obviously. The alternative to cohab is a) living apart and b) marrying at any given moment. (A could lead to B later but you're doing one or the other.)

The only scenario without the concerns you mentioned is living apart. That however brings its own concerns and an increase in expenses on top of it. I think even very unprepared people can make cohab, just like a marriage, work. And some very prepared people will just discover that they cannot get along, again, same as marriage.

[ElieM]

As a co-habiter pre-wedding, I didn't expect anything to change post-wedding. But it did. It felt different.
Saying those legally binding vows out loud in front of all our family and friends was definitely an unforgettable memory and experience. And cohabitation didn't take anything away from our marriage.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Since we're having so much fun around here, I'll just leave this here.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by agzg

It's not just men that will move in with someone and but don't want to get married, either, and it's not just women who "want the ring" and freak out when they don't get one.

If both members of the couple are in the same place at the same time, it can work out. The issue is that they consistently need to be in the same place. It's tricky.

The only time I'm like "gah I want to get married" is when KSUViolet posts wedding dress porn on GC. I'm also sure marriage will be just as boring as living together is now (not much would change for us, prior to having kids).

Ha, that's what I'm here for. lol.

[ElieM]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Since we're having so much fun around here, I'll just leave this here.

Lol, I don't have a diamond and I proposed to my own boyfriend. Do you think the sky will fall in?

[WCsweet<3]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Serious question: What if she decides not to take his last name and instead keeps her own surname? Is she stating to the whole world that she doesn't want to be known as his wife?

Originally Posted by DrPhil

LOL. This thread is also about GreekGirley learning the history and different meanings behind women taking men's surnames. I respect people who choose to take their spouse's surnames. But, as for me and my house, it's all about hyphens.

I'm a big fan of hyphenated last names; couples swapping last names; and people keeping their own last name. None of those reduce the bonds of marriage just because they aren't considered traditional.

My mother didn't take my father's last name and they have been married for 31 years. It hasn't effected their marriage, my mother actually gets annoyed when called Mrs. ______. She tends to correct those who assume that is her name. They thought the hyphen would be too long.

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Since we're having so much fun around here, I'll just leave this here.

Interesting article. Thanks for posting it. The only time I would disagree would be with heirloom rings. This entire buying new rings and the pressure is ridiculous. I'm not trying to educate everyone on my family's traditions, but one thing I have always really liked is that we pass down jewelry. While the entire, "may I take your daughter's hand in marriage" thing is crap (IMHO), I like the idea of the parent's welcoming in the significant other. My mother gave my brother a family jewel to make into a ring for his wife. My father took one of his grandmother's necklaces to make into a ring for my mother (it was actually cheap this way too since they were broke and my dad had a friend who did metal work). These have been two of the most interesting rings I have ever seen and they work as a wedding band as well.


Not disagreeing with stats or anything, but a rather large portion of my family (ie my parents, older cousins etc) all lived together before they were married. When I decided to move in with my boyfriend, I talked it over with my parents first. While I don't "have a ring on my hand" as someone said before, there has to be an understanding. My wording isn't correct right now, but it is a term my mother used. Back in the day (both my parents are over 60) there was going steady or whatever, but eventually there was an understanding as to where the relationship was going. My grandfather went off to war and while my grandparents weren't engaged, there was an understanding that if he made it back, they would get married. While one don't have to be in a rush to get married, or maybe that isn't one's cup of tea, I think that has to be an agreement. A lease is a contract. Duh. If the relationship isn't long term (or even going to last the length of a six month lease) then you have to double think that. Breaking leases/subletting isn't fun.

Also going back to the OP, shacking and moving in have huge differences. This coming from a girl who just did that switch.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I also think that we don't need to talk about divorce like it is a shameful, terrible thing.

Does it suck? Yes, possibly more than any other life change. Is it a personal failure? No.

Different story if you have kids, of course, but if you are in a relationship for years, and then it ends, well, I don't think it's futile to say you never should have been in the relationship to being with.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

DROLEFILLE - you mention that I only spoke of what the woman would give to the man (in the convo about 'saving' something special for him and ONLY him), but that I didn't make mention that he would have to give her ANYTHING...and seemed bothered by that. Well, I'll offer 2 points:
1. I am not a man, and was speaking from a woman's point of view.
2. When a man marries a women, he offers his name (surname) to her - which states to the whole world that he wants to be known as her husband. I think that's a pretty big deal.

1) Your username pretty much gave away the fact that you're not a man.

2) You think a man "offering" his last name to a woman is a huge gesture? Is it just me, or does it seem like in this regard, the woman wants to be known as his wife moreso than the man wants to be known as her husband? A man has the same name his whole life, regardless of whether or not he's married (except maybe in some rare cases). A woman goes through the trouble of changing her name, essentially bonding herself to her husband.

For example, if I walked up to two different people - Joe Smith and Nancy Jones - who I knew from high school, but they didn't remember me, and each of them introduced themselves... Joe first.. "Hi, I'm Joe Smith" ... and Nancy said, "Hi, I'm Nancy Brown" ... who do you think I'd be more inclined to ask, "Oh, so you're married?.."

Originally Posted by KSig RC

SPECIAL THINGS MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL RECEIVE ON OR IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING OUR WEDDING DAY:

1 - Access to my pogs, which have been meticulously kept and curated, and certainly will retain their value well into our 70s.

2 - Sweet, sweet cake directly into her maw then around the facial area, because that is ALWAYS funny, no matter how lame the couple.

3 - 50% of a rapidly-declining 401k.

4 - A lifetime spent staring down a super-annoying estate she'll have to break up and distribute among family she barely likes, because I will assuredly die before her.

5 - A 42% chance of divorce! (STATS ARE STATS)

6 - The admiration of most of her peers, the jealousy of quite a few, and the astonishment of the rest, because how on Earth can she put up with his shit?

7 - Cocktails. Many.

8 - A moderate sexual performance, because my ass will be exhausted, and GOTTA WAKE UP TO OPEN BLENDERS JEEEEEEZ.

9 - Biannual flowers, probably with a pithy card (typed, because handwriting is for children), delivered to her office - once at exorbitant made-up-holiday prices, and again at 70% off for a larger and more attractive bouquet on the more important date anyway.

10 - Condescension when I'm tired and she's acting like an asshole, then a rapid return to normal in the morning, likely with applicable makeup actions.

11 - Partial ownership of one (1) semi-dirty car. Comes with many miles, and an excellent set of golf clubs in the trunk.

12 - A new, warm body on her health insurance, because mine is ludicrously expensive even though I've basically never used it.

13 - 40 years of awesome, with approx. 2 years of trouble mixed in (this will be non-consecutive, but I'm assuming about 5% will be less-than-smooth sailing in some way).

CONGRATS! Good thing we didn't do these things beforehand, GOD marriage wouldn't be special.

LOL.

I'm going to marry you for your pogs.

[agzg]

My dad keeps telling me that live-in and I need to get married so that we "have the same last name." I told him I intend to change my last name to "Awesome" and my middle name to "Is" and he can kiss my ass. Trust me, live-in's last name is no gift.

KSig, I'm serious here. You're around flaunting yourself, trying to cause trouble for me with my love of MC. Stop it.