Put Your Offensive or Sick Joke Here (not for the faint hearted)

[GMUBunny]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE
ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
( because their balls fall over their butts and
they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail
parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final
copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

*For anyone who knows anything about medical insurance providers, this should hit home pretty well...*

Questions about HMOs

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
==============================================
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor
I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.
These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan.

But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and
has a diploma from a Third World Country.
==============================================
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.
==============================================
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
==============================================
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
==============================================
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What
should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.
==============================================
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.
==============================================
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15
Co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

[hootchpdt]

why did the woman cross the road?
thats not the question, the question is why the fuck is she out of the kitchen?

whats a guy do when the light bulb burns out in the kitchen?
nothin, make the bitch cook in the dark

why do brides wear white?
its nice for the fridge and the DISHWASHER to match

what's a guy do when the dishwasher stops working?
slaps it on the ass and tells her to get back in the kitchen

(here's one for the farmers)
why do women have one more brain cell than a cow?
so they don't shit on the floor when you squeeze their tits
(common sense that cows shit every time they are milked, for you non-rural people)

what do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
nothin, you already told her twice

if i ever get divorced, i will always keep a tampon on my tv to always remember that it was a chick that got me into that relationship, and to never let me forget that she's also the one who has the DVD player

[AXiDBlinkfan]

Originally posted by chideltjen
heard another good one:

a mexican was getting ready to become an american citizen. in order for him to pass his citizenship test he needed to take an english course.
on the day of his exam, the official asks the mexican to use the words "green, pink, and yellow" in a sentence.
the mexican thinks for a bit and then says:

"well, the telephone goes 'green green' i pink it up and say 'Yellow?'"


it sounds better with an accent... just imagine it k

This is how the joke I know goes...

A border patol officer catches a man crossing the border without a passport. The officer asks him to use a sentence with the words green, pink, and yellow in it to see if he was truly a U.S. Citizen. The man says, "When the telephone goes "grin grin", I pink it up and I say, 'Jello?'"

No offense to Mexican Americans cuz I'm one of them!

[SigmaChiGuy]

Why are firetrucks red ?

You'd be red too if your hose was hanging out.

[aephi alum]

OK, this one isn't nearly as bad as some of the others on this thread...

A mom and dad took their 3-year-old son out to McDonald's. "Toy Story" had just come out, so all the Happy Meals, soda cups, etc. were all "Toy Story" themed.

The little one had a child-sized soda with a picture of one of the minor "Toy Story" characters on the cup. Mom had a medium soda with a picture of Buzz Lightyear. Dad had a large soda with a picture of Woody.

When they got their sodas, the little boy loudly announced to the restaurant: "Look, Daddy, you've got a Woody!"

[AlphaFrog]

Why is a stoplight red?
You'd be red too if you had to change in front of all those people!

Why is a pool table green?
You'd be green too if someone kept hitting your balls with a stick!

Why is a fire hydrant red?
You'd be red too if someone kept screwing your top!

Why does Peter Pan fly?
You'd fly too if someone hit you in the peter with a pan!

Sorry, those were bad! Here's a better one:

Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper!

P.S. Why are all blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them!

[aephi alum]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since
it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the
water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their "freedom."


As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of
ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and
the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while
they ran for cover.


After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather
than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

[hootchpdt]

a little boy comes home from school one day and sees his parents having sex. he asks what they are doing, and his father tells him that they are making him a baby brother. a few days later, the father comes home from work and sees his son on the porch crying. he asks what's wrong and his son replies that his baby brother is dead. the father says no he isnt, the boy replies "yes he is, the mailman ate him this morning!"

a little boy walks in on his parent having sex, and asks his dad for a piggy back ride. the father, thinking the boy is young enough and no mental harm could be done agrees and says "hop on" the boy goes "faster daddy faster!" at which point his mom starts screaming in pleasure and flailing about. the boy goes "hang on daddy, this is the part where me and the pool man usually get bucked off!"

a little boy, about 6 years old walks in on his mom taking a shower. he asks what that is, as he points to her breasts, and she tells him. he then asks what that is, and points to her crotch. she has to think fast and says it is her sponge. so the boy leaves the bathroom. the next day, he asks if he can see her sponge again and his mother says no because she lost it, so he goes outside to play. about an hour later, he runs in the house and goes "mommy, mommy, i know where your sponge is!" his mother goes "where?" the boy goes "the neighbor lady is washing daddy's face with it!"



no, it is not the same little boy in each joke, that would be one f*cked up little kid!

[sherbertlemons]

What's the difference between a Kansas tornado and a Texas divorce?

Either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer.


Did you hear about Divorce Barbie? She comes with Ken's truck, Ken's kid, and Ken's house.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

An Irish man and a Polish man went hunting. They come across a beautiful meadow where they see a naked woman lying in the grass. The Irish guys says, "I think that she's game." So the Polish man shot her.

[SlipRock 229]

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking when a man in a trenchcoat came up to them, and opened the coat. He was wearing nothing underneath!

The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third one couldn't....her arms were too short.

[aurora_borealis]

Originally posted by aephi alum
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since
it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the
water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their "freedom."


As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of
ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and
the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while
they ran for cover.


After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather
than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

How dumb am I? I thought they'd recognize him because he's circumcised.

[The1calledTKE]

APPLICATION TO LIVE IN NEW JERSEY


NAME:__________________________
Nickname:_____________________

ADDRESS: ______________________ EXIT # __________
______________________

ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian _______Sicilian ________Jewish

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a)Sewage b)Sulfur c)Garbage d)All of the above

TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above

# OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED
a)Sergio Valente b)Jordache c)Sassoon d)Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER
a)100% b)95-100% c)90-95% d)85-90%

TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED
a)10 - 15 b)15 - 20 c)20 - 25 d)25 and above

# OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME
a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY
a)$ 5 - $10 b)$10 - $15 c)$15 - $20 d)Stolen

GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH? YES NO

HAIR HEIGHT
a)6 - 8 Inches b)8 - 12 Inches c)1 - 2 feet d)More than 2 feet

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME
a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mouse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND
a)6 - 8 Inches b)4 -6 Inches c)2 - 4 Inches d)Under 2 Inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE
a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
i) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM
a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC
a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springstein

ESSAY QUESTION

In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoos Guys"

_____________________

[The1calledTKE]

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm
just not happy"

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food
and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."

"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so
sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make
you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She
will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be
the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and
your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history.

[AlphaSigOU]

TOP 10 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10. "What in the f*ck was that?" – Mayor of Hiroshima – August, 1945

9 . "Where did all the f*cking Indians come from?" – Gen. George Armstrong Custer, 1877

8. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that." – Albert Einstein, 1938

7. "It does SO f*cking look like her!" – Pablo Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?" – Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?" – Michelangelo, 1566

4. "I don't suppose it's gonna f*cking rain." – Joan of Arc, 1434

3. "Scattered f*cking showers... my ass!" – Noah, 4314 BC

2. "I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in the head!" – John F. Kennedy, 1963

1. "Aw c'mon, who the f*ck is going to find out? – Bill Clinton, 1997