Football Season. The NORTH vs. The SOUTH:
Stadium Size. . .
Up North College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South High school football stadiums hold 20,000.
Names. . .
Up North Doug Flutie.
Down South Herschel Walker.
Weather. . .
Up North Snow and Ice.
Down South Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the 30s.
Fathers. . .
Up North Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Attire. . .
Up North Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South Male: pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers.
Female: ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.
Women's Accessories. . .
Up North Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary -- that's what dates are for.
Alumni. . .
Up North Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South Take prospects on fishing trips so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.
Campus Decor. . .
Up North Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen. . .
Up North Also a physics major.
Down South Also Miss USA.
Heroes. . .
Up North Rudy Guliani
Down South Archi & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets. . .
Up North 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game. . .
Up North Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going to the game because they have class on Friday.
Down South Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
Parking. . .
Up North An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend's festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
Game Day. . .
Up North A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day "Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating. . .
Up North Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Dave Matthews Band, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
Getting To The Stadium. . .
Up North You have to ask, "Where's the stadium?" When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions. . .
Up North Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot -- filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When The National Anthem Is Played. . .
Up North Stands are less than half full.
Down South 80,000+ fans sing along in perfect three-part harmony.
The Smell In The Air After The First Score. . .
Up North Nothing changes.
Down South Fireworks with a tinge of bourbon.
Commentary (Male). . .
Up North "Nice play."
Down South "Dammit, you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs!!!"
Commentary (Female). . .
Up North "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South "Dammit, you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs!!!"
After The Game. . .
Up North The stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's party.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football
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