Moving in with BF! I need advice.

[DrPhil]

I deleted my post in which I agreed with GreekGirley because I read the rest of her posts. Yikes.

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Discussion is fine. Ragging on a belief system is not.

What belief system are you talking about?

If you are paying attention, most of the people typing to you are not fans of cohabitation.

[lovespink88]

Originally Posted by 33girl

A man can also take his wife's name (hyphenated or otherwise) if she "offers" it to him. Just ask this guy.

*swoon*

That is my only contribution to this thread.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

2. When a man marries a women, he offers his name (surname) to her - which states to the whole world that he wants to be known as her husband. I think that's a pretty big deal.

Serious question: What if she decides not to take his last name and instead keeps her own surname? Is she stating to the whole world that she doesn't want to be known as his wife?

[DrPhil]

LOL. This thread is also about GreekGirley learning the history and different meanings behind women taking men's surnames. I respect people who choose to take their spouse's surnames. But, as for me and my house, it's all about hyphens.

I'm a big fan of hyphenated last names; couples swapping last names; and people keeping their own last name. None of those reduce the bonds of marriage just because they aren't considered traditional.

[KSig RC]

SPECIAL THINGS MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL RECEIVE ON OR IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING OUR WEDDING DAY:

1 - Access to my pogs, which have been meticulously kept and curated, and certainly will retain their value well into our 70s.

2 - Sweet, sweet cake directly into her maw then around the facial area, because that is ALWAYS funny, no matter how lame the couple.

3 - 50% of a rapidly-declining 401k.

4 - A lifetime spent staring down a super-annoying estate she'll have to break up and distribute among family she barely likes, because I will assuredly die before her.

5 - A 42% chance of divorce! (STATS ARE STATS)

6 - The admiration of most of her peers, the jealousy of quite a few, and the astonishment of the rest, because how on Earth can she put up with his shit?

7 - Cocktails. Many.

8 - A moderate sexual performance, because my ass will be exhausted, and GOTTA WAKE UP TO OPEN BLENDERS JEEEEEEZ.

9 - Biannual flowers, probably with a pithy card (typed, because handwriting is for children), delivered to her office - once at exorbitant made-up-holiday prices, and again at 70% off for a larger and more attractive bouquet on the more important date anyway.

10 - Condescension when I'm tired and she's acting like an asshole, then a rapid return to normal in the morning, likely with applicable makeup actions.

11 - Partial ownership of one (1) semi-dirty car. Comes with many miles, and an excellent set of golf clubs in the trunk.

12 - A new, warm body on her health insurance, because mine is ludicrously expensive even though I've basically never used it.

13 - 40 years of awesome, with approx. 2 years of trouble mixed in (this will be non-consecutive, but I'm assuming about 5% will be less-than-smooth sailing in some way).

CONGRATS! Good thing we didn't do these things beforehand, GOD marriage wouldn't be special.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Geez. Apparently, I cannot make a post on here about any subject without getting ripped a new one because someone disagrees with me. Regardless, I've posted what I believe and will stand by it. And, while I'm at it, I'll respond to one last thing...

cool, just stop speaking for "We" and only speak for "I" thank you very much.

DROLEFILLE - you mention that I only spoke of what the woman would give to the man (in the convo about 'saving' something special for him and ONLY him), but that I didn't make mention that he would have to give her ANYTHING...and seemed bothered by that.

I'm not bothered at all, I just think you're participating in the sexism inherent in our culture.

Well, I'll offer 2 points:
1. I am not a man, and was speaking from a woman's point of view.

You're not? Huh, news to me. Anyway, that's nice, but you didn't seem to expect being offered anything special for you and only you either.

2. When a man marries a women, he offers his name (surname) to her - which states to the whole world that he wants to be known as her husband. I think that's a pretty big deal.

Or he erases her father's last name and replaces it with his own symbolically passing ownership of the chattel that is now his.

No, that's not really what modern people feel about the issue but it is a valid interpretation. I'm amused that moving in with the man is what the woman can offer in exchange for his name. At least you're not insisting on her offering her virginity. At least. Or something.

But you know kids these days, I'm amused you dropped that line altogether.

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Discussion is fine. Ragging on a belief system is not.

So why are you ragging on other people's relationships then, or is it only OK if you judge them (and the kids these days) but not OK if you're judged.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Serious question: What if she decides not to take his last name and instead keeps her own surname? Is she stating to the whole world that she doesn't want to be known as his wife?

Duh.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

If you are paying attention, most of the people typing to you are not fans of cohabitation.

I'm for it, if people want to do it. I don't see it as particularly harmful, nor do I see marriage as the ultimate goal of all relationships. But to each their own.

/i know you said most, just wanted to put that out there.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

LOL. This thread is also about GreekGirley learning the history and different meanings behind women taking men's surnames. I respect people who choose to take their spouse's surnames. But, as for me and my house, it's all about hyphens.

I'm a big fan of hyphenated last names; couples swapping last names; and people keeping their own last name. None of those reduce the bonds of marriage just because they aren't considered traditional.

I'm kind of pondering what, if anything I'll do, but it depends on how things develop.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

SPECIAL THINGS MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL RECEIVE ON OR IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING OUR WEDDING DAY: . . . .

You forgot your name! You'll have to offer her your name!

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I'm not bothered at all, I just think you're participating in the sexism inherent in our culture.

Oh, thanks a lot. Now I'm going to go to bed with Monty Python running through my head: "Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed."

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

You forgot your name! You'll have to offer her your name!

Oh, thanks a lot. Now I'm going to go to bed with Monty Python running through my head: "Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed."

Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

...

Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

...

Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!

Oh, go away or I shall taunt you a second time! (Or at least say "Ni" to you.)

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Oh, go away or I shall taunt you a second time! (Or at least say "Ni" to you.)

But what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

[ElieM]

You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

But what is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Originally Posted by ElieM

You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!

What a strange person.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?

[DrPhil]

long post alert/

I think the context of this thread is couples that are thinking longterm and at least one person is hoping there will be a marriage, even if it is in the very distance future.

If we were talking about couples that aren't thinking marriage and at least one person isn't even secretly hoping to marry the other person, I'd say cohabitation may work as long as they are old enough and mature enough to share such a big responsibility with a significant other. I would recommend that they think about the logistics of it all (what the future holds, whether they want dependents, economic stuff, property stuff). If they are going into it blind and thinking love conquers all, I'd say spare themselves and everyone else the pain and keep their own living space.

It's funny because I have a friend who has lived with her significant other for about 8 years. We have discussed this topic numerous times over the years and her comments have predictably changed from "I don't want to get married, I just want to shack" to "I've been thinking more about marriage and whether I want children." I just say "uh huh."

On the other hand, I have about 5 colleagues ages 35-60 yo who have significant others, and a few of them have children together, that they've lived with for 10+ years. These people never intended to get married and they haven't waivered. They are considered a cohabitation success story but also could be considered a failure for the sanctity of marriage because they are "playing house."

/long post alert

[christiangirl]

^^^Oh stop it, you're always trying to lecture somebody. I fart in your general direction.

/trying to drag Phil into the good-natured Python-style ribbing

If my husband gave me his pogs collection....oh boy. He could ask me for just about anything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwESraWEpSU