Relationship - Taking a Break

[cheerfulgreek]

When I think of taking a break, I connect that with work, or doing something strenuous. Those are things that get me to say I need a break. It's the same with relationships. If it's that much work to the point where it becomes strenuous, then it's time to take a break. A relationship like that is not worth being apart of. I wouldn't be in a relationship like that.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

When I think of taking a break, I connect that with work, or doing something strenuous. Those are things that get me to say I need a break. It's the same with relationships. If it's that much work to the point where it becomes strenuous, then it's time to take a break. A relationship like that is not worth being apart of. I wouldn't be in a relationship like that.

I dunno Cheerful, if you unable to work it out now, could you do it when you are married to someone? Although a reflection of what your future situations might be, if you leave and walk out that door, you cannot come back...

Most significant others have two faults: character flaws and differences in point of view. Some of these faults rarely change, some by persuasive argument. Inevitably, if it is a character flaw in your significant other, it will rarely change--i.e. you're a spendthrift and he's miserly... But, if it is a point of view issue, then your significant other has a higher probability to be persuaded to change--i.e. whether to buy bottled water vs. water from the tap. Or rather, you all just mutually agree to disagree... ("Towmato" vs. "Toe motto").

It is good to get outta the house and do your own thing for a few hours. And during the moment of a heated argument, you can do a "T" with your hands and say "timeout". Then come back to the discussion to see what the real difficulty is...

I can say, it has been my experience that it has to do with insecurities people have, in general.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

I dunno Cheerful, if you unable to work it out now, could you do it when you are married to someone? Although a reflection of what your future situations might be, if you leave and walk out that door, you cannot come back...

Most significant others have two faults: character flaws and differences in point of view. Some of these faults rarely change, some by persuasive argument. Inevitably, if it is a character flaw in your significant other, it will rarely change--i.e. you're a spendthrift and he's miserly... But, if it is a point of view issue, then your significant other has a higher probability to be persuaded to change--i.e. whether to buy bottled water vs. water from the tap. Or rather, you all just mutually agree to disagree... ("Towmato" vs. "Toe motto").

It is good to get outta the house and do your own thing for a few hours. And during the moment of a heated argument, you can do a "T" with your hands and say "timeout". Then come back to the discussion to see what the real difficulty is...

I can say, it has been my experience that it has to do with insecurities people have, in general.

Of course not. I wouldn't leave my spouse, unless he cheated on me, and even then I would still try and work through that. I'm not sure how far I would get but I would at least try. I know we all have our differences but if I was in a relationship that was so bad that I really had to work to the point that I felt I needed a break all the time, then I wouldn't think that was the right person for me, so I would have to break it off and move on. It would hurt but I would do it. I mean I know relationships can get rocky sometimes and they do take work, but how bad does it have to get in order to take a break? A break to me means hey I'm tired of this and I need a break. I know sometimes we need to get away and say timeout, and that's o.k. but a temporary break as in let's separate for awhile and then reunite? It has to be pretty bad for me to do that.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

ditto to what he said....if my s/o asked for a break...she can have one...til the next lifetime...when u invest in someone and they start having cold feet...what's to keep them from doing it again?

If someone wanted to break from me, trust me, the next woman that gets in line is fair game


Now...break on them....

What if you really loved that person and she wanted to come back? You would just end it like that?

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Of course not. I wouldn't leave my spouse, ...but how bad does it have to get in order to take a break? A break to me means hey I'm tired of this and I need a break. I know sometimes we need to get away and say timeout, and that's o.k. but a temporary break as in let's separate for awhile and then reunite? It has to be pretty bad for me to do that.

Well, one should not go into a marital relationship with assumption of requiring a "break" when things get "very bad". Very bad without the presumption of physical/sexual abuse and infidelity, is when one's spouse has a severe thought disorder causing illogical activities--i.e. buying a $90K vehicle when the couple does not have about $50K yearly... Or credit problems seem to follow along. Or one spouse totally losses a job and half the debts cannot be paid.

The marriage vows state these issues: Sickness and Health, Rich or Poor...

Many relationships START OFF sick and poor and the couple thinks that Love can win out. Most of the time, realistically: "When's the last time that Love bought you clothes... It's like that and that's the way it is..." (Run DMC circa 1984).

The issue is when we enter SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS--because that is my ONLY comments--IMHO, one needs to be introspective when knowing what they can and cannot handle. In nonserious dating or even hanging out makes no difference about breaks or not. Until the man puts a ring on my finger, he has no dictates on what I do nor where I go. That is the price to be in my presence.

If a man doesn't want that from me, then "Thank you", I can move forward...

Taking a break in the relationship to see if someone out there is better? If you seriously want to get married, No--not functional. If you are not serious, then who cares? There is no obligation. The only thing is be careful what you wish for...

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Well, one should not go into a marital relationship with assumption of requiring a "break" when things get "very bad". Very bad without the presumption of physical/sexual abuse and infidelity, is when one's spouse has a severe thought disorder causing illogical activities--i.e. buying a $90K vehicle when the couple does not have about $50K yearly... Or credit problems seem to follow along. Or one spouse totally losses a job and half the debts cannot be paid.

The marriage vows state these issues: Sickness and Health, Rich or Poor...

Many relationships START OFF sick and poor and the couple thinks that Love can win out. Most of the time, realistically: "When's the last time that Love bought you clothes... It's like that and that's the way it is..." (Run DMC circa 1984).

The issue is when we enter SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS--because that is my ONLY comments--IMHO, one needs to be introspective when knowing what they can and cannot handle. In nonserious dating or even hanging out makes no difference about breaks or not. Until the man puts a ring on my finger, he has no dictates on what I do nor where I go. That is the price to be in my presence.

If a man doesn't want that from me, then "Thank you", I can move forward...

Taking a break in the relationship to see if someone out there is better? If you seriously want to get married, No--not functional. If you are not serious, then who cares? There is no obligation. The only thing is be careful what you wish for...

o.k. I see your point partially, but I'm not totally disagreeing with you, but why get involved with someone and call it a relationship if it's not serious? I understand bad credit and money issues can become a major problem in a marriage, but I don't think it's worth divorcing over. It's like you stated for better or for worse. I mean those issues can be worked out. I'm willing to work through anything as long as my spouse would be willing to work with me. I can't do it alone.

[OneTimeSBX]

to me, $ would only become an issue if he decided once we got married he would never ever hold a job again, or he decided to spend all of his $ on something detrimental, like midget porn or hot wheels cars.

divorcing due to money just seems so shallow, but that is just my opinion. everyone hits a snag, and hopefully if someone had a problem that severe, it would reveal itself before the nuptuals.....

[ThetaDancer]

This is a different "break" than we've discussed in this thread so far, but since this was on the top and I need advice, I thought I'd put this out there...

I'm in a committed relationship of not-quite a year with a guy I love a lot. I don't doubt our relationship and I don't question whether or not I want to still be with him. But...I've just been overwhelmed with a lot of changes in my life lately. We spend a ton of time together and lately I feel like I need breathing room. It's not really like I need time away from him as much as I need time to myself. Any advice on how to go about asking for some space while still making it clear that I dont want to break up with him? Thanks GC.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I see your point partially, but I'm not totally disagreeing with you, but why get involved with someone and call it a relationship if it's not serious? I understand bad credit and money issues can become a major problem in a marriage, but I don't think it's worth divorcing over. It's like you stated for better or for worse. I mean those issues can be worked out. I'm willing to work through anything as long as my spouse would be willing to work with me. I can't do it alone.

However, what is a serious relationship if you are unmarried--from a completely LEGAL POV? It is NEVER serious until there are papers involved. Not even temporary S-corporation partnership agreements can protect you from the wrath of divorce.

And you had better believe it IS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY in a marriage. Who brings it in, who doesn't, who has it, who doesn't, you are kidding yourself if you don't think so...

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

to me, $ would only become an issue if he decided once we got married he would never ever hold a job again, or he decided to spend all of his $ on something detrimental, like midget porn or hot wheels cars.

divorcing due to money just seems so shallow, but that is just my opinion. everyone hits a snag, and hopefully if someone had a problem that severe, it would reveal itself before the nuptuals.....

Financial trials are the number one cause for divorce. It make not be the inability to MAKE enough money, it may be the incapacitance [sp?] to KEEP that what is made for the household... They call it the "marriage penalty tax". Although unstated and unsaid, States and Feds do nail you when it comes to legally binding your new household finances...

I do agree one might see some things before marriage. Most do not. The biggest issue is to evaluate what you can--i.e. credit reports, financial budgets and plans, and how or what one spends their money on. If it is something insane like too many downloads of midget porn, that is one thing. But what if it is purchasing $25K+ cars every 2-3 years and not selling the old one? What if your mate purchases these cars, meanwhile, the IRS audits you and says you BOTH owe well over $50K? Then the franchise tax board says on top of that you BOTH owe ~$30K in payroll taxes... Then when you go to look for these "items" based on the required taxes collected, there is nothing to show for it...

This is a TRUE STORY...

And yes, it IS DUMBASSED chit like that that happens.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

However, what is a serious relationship if you are unmarried--from a completely LEGAL POV? It is NEVER serious until there are papers involved. Not even temporary S-corporation partnership agreements can protect you from the wrath of divorce.

And you had better believe it IS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY in a marriage.

Yes, it is all about the money. I couldn't have said it better myself. If the money isn't right, divorce will be right around the corner. It wasn't as bad like that back in the day, but now? Watch out, because that's all it's about is money.

AKA Monet, the only thing where I would differ, is a relationship before marriage has to be serious for me, because that way I can determine if she's marriage material. If she's not serious, honest and faithful before marriage, she won't be in the marriage. Otherwise, yeah, you're on jam, and right on when you mentioned marriage and money. Sad, but true.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

to me, $ would only become an issue if he decided once we got married he would never ever hold a job again, or he decided to spend all of his $ on something detrimental, like midget porn or hot wheels cars.

divorcing due to money just seems so shallow, but that is just my opinion. everyone hits a snag, and hopefully if someone had a problem that severe, it would reveal itself before the nuptuals.....

Nope, it's more to it than that. If he has a job, but he's not bringing enough cash home to provide, you would get tired of taking on the load, and frustrated and end up leaving the joker. It's all about the $$$$$$.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1pV9jWS2x8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ny_j-bAhq68

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

to me, $ would only become an issue if he decided once we got married he would never ever hold a job again, or he decided to spend all of his $ on something detrimental, like midget porn or hot wheels cars.

divorcing due to money just seems so shallow, but that is just my opinion. everyone hits a snag, and hopefully if someone had a problem that severe, it would reveal itself before the nuptuals.....

I agree with you 100%.

Ya know, if money is that big of a deal, then why not say "I love your money rather than you?" I thought couples get married because they love one another.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

AKA Monet, the only thing where I would differ, is a relationship before marriage has to be serious for me, because that way I can determine if she's marriage material. If she's not serious, honest and faithful before marriage, she won't be in the marriage. Otherwise, yeah, you're on jam, and right on when you mentioned marriage and money. Sad, but true.

What you are discussing is "Courting" a potential "marriageable" woman rather than just "random dating", which means to me a not serious situation to begin with.

Courting takes planning out the interaction more carefully with intent.

Dating is pretty much close to being just friends and hanging out or wham bam thank you ma'am...

When you removing dating from your purview, and change to intentional courting, you are a that time in your life that you seek a mate. The biggest issue is are you ready to actually BE in a serious relationship like that intentionally to lead to marriage and beyond. Because some folks marry for the wedding presents, rather than be "in the marriage".

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I thought couples get married because they love one another.

You would think so, but you would be amazed how many folks actually do not... I am seeing in generations younger than me to truly have those thoughts about loving, however they are getting married at older ages past 30. But who knows? I think couples marry for myriads of reasons.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

What you are discussing is "Courting" a potential "marriageable" woman rather than just "random dating", which means to me a not serious situation to begin with.

Courting takes planning out the interaction more carefully with intent.

Dating is pretty much close to being just friends and hanging out or wham bam thank you ma'am...

When you removing dating from your purview, and change to intentional courting, you are a that time in your life that you seek a mate. The biggest issue is are you ready to actually BE in a serious relationship like that intentionally to lead to marriage and beyond. Because some folks marry for the wedding presents, rather than be "in the marriage.

Well, I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, but I don't random or casual date. I like being with one woman, so I'm not down with the FWB thing. I agree, that's exactly what random dating is. It means lets screw. That's it.