6/23/03 Dear Abby

[astroAPhi]

Originally posted by aurora_borealis
paying to dance with the bride is tacky

My parents grew up in Nebraska and people did that for their wedding. It's a tradition where they grew up. It's not like a "get rich quick scheme", it's just people's way of trying to slip the bride and groom a few bucks to get started on. I don't think I saw anything more than a 5 dollar bill in the wedding pictures, and they didn't MAKE people pay.

While I agree that what these people are asking is incredibly wrong, be careful before you assume everyone is from the South and knows "hospitality and manners". There are some traditions from other places in the U.S. as well as other countries that you may think is hick, classless, etc. but it's the way they do things. But that lousy bride asking for 300 bucks is definitely classless.

[sigmagrrl]

This sounds like the "dollar dance", which I see as, essentially, pimping yourself out!! FOR A DOLLAR!

I have seen women with these silk purses and male friends/relatives pay the bride for a dance....

Pardon me for getting a bit rowdy, BUT AIN'T NOBODY COPPIN' A FEEL ON MY WEDDING DAY FOR A MEASLY 8 BITS!!!





I'm worth at least $20

[astroAPhi]

Originally posted by sigmagrrl
This sounds like the "dollar dance", which I see as, essentially, pimping yourself out!! FOR A DOLLAR!

Someone obviously didn't listen to a word I typed.

[sigmagrrl]

No I heard you. I'm just that friend that doesn't hear what was said and people just stare and wonder "Did she hear what we said?"

Also, my friends and I had a LONG standing debate about it...

Oh, and it's all about semantics and the times we live in. People in Queens DID pay a buck to dance with my aunt at her wedding back in the 70's!

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by astroAPhi
While I agree that what these people are asking is incredibly wrong, be careful before you assume everyone is from the South and knows "hospitality and manners". There are some traditions from other places in the U.S. as well as other countries that you may think is hick, classless, etc. but it's the way they do things.

Thank you for making that point! In another thread about this topic, the dollar dance's status as a tradition in certain regions and countries (someone said that it is a popular tradition in Spanish-speaking countries). I am not arrogant enough to criticize another region or country's traditions, and we all have to be sensitive to the customs of a place that's not necessarily "the good old South." I know that my wedding will have aspects of a traditional Southern wedding, with a melding of mine and Mr Munch's familial customs. But, we could get married at the JP and I really wouldn't care.

ETA: I will not have a "dollar dance" at my wedding. My mother would not allow it, it is not my family's custom, and no one's pinning ANYTHING on my dress. Dances with me are free.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Originally posted by sigmagrrl
3
Gee, maybe they should have spent $30,000 on therapy, the other $10,000 on the wedding!

I'm a BIG fan of marriage, not a big fan of weddings!

You are so right. This is why people should have engagements with pre-marital counseling.

[SSS1365]

Originally posted by Cream
You are so right. This is why people should have engagements with pre-marital counseling.

True... My fiance and I are getting married in a Catholic church, so the pre-marriage counseling is REQUIRED.

[LeslieAGD]

The first time I went to a wedding with a Bride/Groom Dollar Dance, I thought it was kinda dumb. I still think it's silly but, hey, it's the couple's day...whatever floats their boat.

[juniorgrrl]

I am absolutely, positively not having a money dance at my wedding. I don't care if its tradition anywhere else. FI is an electrical engineer, I'll be 2/3 of the way to being an attorney. We don't need the money. Even if we were both destitute, I wouldn't do it. Giving money just shouldn't be that overt.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by juniorgrrl
I am absolutely, positively not having a money dance at my wedding. I don't care if its tradition anywhere else... We don't need the money. Even if we were both destitute, I wouldn't do it.

And that's very good for you--I doubt anyone who really does it is destitute, it's a family tradition. It's not mine, but I respect others' cultures.

[MoxieGrrl]

I never knew that money dances were tacky until I started reading these bridal books. Every single wedding I have been to has had one. Mr. Mox and I will have one. I don't care of people give me $$ or not. I just want to dance with everyone after they have taken a shot.

SSS 1365: Yeah, girl, I'm going to be attending pre-cana too. Catholic Bootcamp, here we come!

[AXO Alum]

Okay - AXOAlum (resident WC) stepping in to keep the feuding down!

Let's all take a minute to remember that traditions, especially RELIGIOUS ones, are very personal. They change from person-to-person, region-to-region, religion-to-religion, etc.

If the "money" dance is a tradition and you both (ie, bride & groom) want to do it, then fine -- it is a tradition for your family. However, I would NOT expect people to be handing over Lincoln's to get a dance. I have heard of a buck, and maybe more (especially from Uncle Louie who wants to hand-over more money than Aunt Lucy!) but it isn't to be expected. Of course, no bride in her right mind should decline a dance with someone who doesn't "pay-up" -- this is a prime example of class and grace vs. tacky and rude.

As for the comment made about the Good Old South -- if that is in reference to me, I want to clarify. I simply stated that those of us IN the South (as in true Southerners) have our own ways and style of doing things -- just as people up North do, and those out West, etc. I was not saying "We are the South and we are supreme in weddings" -- but I think that everyone can recognize that the South is famous (infamous) for its gentility and mannerisms when throwing such an event. As with everything in a wedding (regardless of the jokes), the B&G must work together to incorporate (or ditch) any traditions that they want (or don't want).

We have all been to beautiful weddings and we have all been (most likely) to a wedding that incorporated at least a small amount of total tackiness (such as the one I went to that the bridesmaids carried a bush of fake flowers -- not decorated, no...the plastic stem and all was hanging out -- fresh out of the Wal-Mart plastic floral dept!)

[AXO Alum]

Originally posted by SSS1365
Well nothing is concrete yet, it was just an idea. I personally would like to be able to have a drink or two at my reception, and I know my fiance would as well, so just having a champagne toast is out (not to mention I hate champagne and it makes me sick). I mean it would be EXTREMELY tacky if we were drinking but not allowing our guests to. I'd be open to suggestions though... but we want a full bar (probably no shots though) without worrying about people getting wasted. The manager of the restaurant already assured us that his bartenders WILL cut people off, so that will certainly help. I might think about the idea of just having beer and wine. Of course we will still have a champagne toast (where I will just take tiny sips and that will be that). One wedding I went to had open bar until a certain time, and then it was cash bar. What are your thoughts on that?

Sorry - I missed this earlier!

If you hate champagne, fine - use Sprite for yourself and do a champagne toast for everyone else. Yes, it would be tacky for you two to meander up to the bar and ask for dry martini's while everyone else had beer or wine. But - you could ask the bartendar to keep a couple of "special" glasses for you two behind the bar -- then if you wanted to sip on something special, you could, but no one would really notice it.

Yes, the manager can reassure you all day that he and his staff will cut-off the ones who have had too much. But what happens when friends are going up and getting more to drink for those people? We all know that this happens (and more than some of us would like to admit, we have been guilty of receiving!)

As for the open/cash bar -- here are my thoughts. First, would you make an announcement "Its 10pm and the open bar is closing - last call"? Because then you would get people lined up out the door for the last few glasses/bottles, even if they weren't really interested (you know how that is - sometimes you might be somewhere and they are giving out "free" stuff, and even though you don't really want or need it, because its "free" you have this desire to take it) -- this means more $$ for your family, and more potential for the over-indulgers to have one last shot at it.

On the other hand, if you don't make an announcement, and a guest goes up to the bar to refresh his whiskey sour, and the bartender says "that'll be $6.50 please" then the guest will be like "huh?" After that word will get around that the bar is now cash, and you will have people that leave or become upset/angry. Then you get those people who will come track you down and bluntly ask if you can go talk to the bartender and get him another drink (yes, folks, I've seen it happen and it ain't pretty!) -- now granted, people who get mad about alcohol should get a life anyway. But once you've "fed" them a few, and then charge them, they are going to feel slighted. This could be a very big potential for a lot of resentment from your guests. I can understand how they feel though.

The only situation where I would find this to be a compromise is if it is held in a large facility - like a hotel ballroom - and that you close the bar at a certain hour (10pm say) -- for those who are still interested in drinking, however, there is a bar inside the hotel - all they have to do is leave the ballroom and go down the hall to find it. This type of setting is ideal if you are interested in setting a limit.

This is why beer and wine menus are becoming so much more common! And if you have beer served, I would suggest that it be POURED only (ie, no bottles/cans floating around). Even at the most formal of events, all it takes is one can of Bud to ruin it!

And finally, whatever you choose to serve, make sure your caterer, or those in charge of glassware bring the APPROPRIATE holders for the drinks - you don't want people drinking beer out of wine glasses, or wine out of hi-ball glasses, etc.

[Lady Pi Phi]

Originally posted by Cream
You are so right. This is why people should have engagements with pre-marital counseling.

My parents were required to see the minister that married them before for couselling/discussions about their marriage.

Speaking of traditions...there is a Canadian trdaition (or at least from what I can tell it's Canadian) that if the guests at the weddinging clink their glasses with their cutlery then the bride and groom have to kiss.

My dad was the MC at my cousins wedding (the one from Va Beach and whose marriage lasted 6 months) and he was talking about this with the groom, and he had never heard of this.

My dad brought it up at her wedding and it was done...once. It was very tasteful. The problem with that tradition is that it can get out of hand. People do it every 5 minutes and it gets irritating.
My friend who is planning her wedding right now said she'd do it, but only once or twice. After that she said people who tapped their glasses were getting a beat down, lol.

I think wedding traditions are very interesting, even if I personally find some a little odd or outrageous...who am I to judge. But there definitly is a difference between tradition, and greed.

[astroAPhi]

Speaking of traditions...there is a Canadian trdaition (or at least from what I can tell it's Canadian) that if the guests at the weddinging clink their glasses with their cutlery then the bride and groom have to kiss.

One of my boyfriend's fraternity brothers had little bells at their wedding that people could ring (it was a pretty extravagant reception). Of course that meant the boys always rang the bell when they both were chewing on a big piece of steak or something. But I hear you on people getting out of hand. I imagine it would get old pretty quick if I was sitting up there trying to enjoy my meal.