Put Your Offensive or Sick Joke Here (not for the faint hearted)

[xok85xo]

note: i am jewish.


q: whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

a: a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in an oven

[Peaches-n-Cream]

[smiley21]

q: what part of popeye will never rust?
a: the part he puts into olive oil

q: why do roosters not have hands?
a: cause hens dont have tits.

q: what does a condom have in common with a woman?
a: they both spend more time in the man's pocket than on the end of his penis.

q: what did one lesbian frog say to other?
a:wow, we do taste like chicken.

q: what is a blonde's mating call?
a: i am so drunk!!

q: what is an ugly blonde's mating call?
a: i said, 'I AM SO DRUNK!!'

q: how can you tell if a witch is horny?
a: see which end of the broomstick she is riding.

little boy: mommy where do babies come from?
mom: the stork brings them
little boy: well then who f**** the stork?

[AlphaGamDiva]

what f***s like a tiger and winks?

[smiley21]

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Poor Big Bird

[docetboy]

note: I am Jewish

Have you heard about the new car Ford is making for the Jewish demographic?
It stops on a dime, and picks it up too.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Air is Free

Why did the Jews wonder around the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter.

[AGDPrincess70]

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend has to chew before swallowing

Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last two donuts.

Q: What does KFC and a woman have in common?
A: Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in
common?
A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it

Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

Q: How can you tell when your dogs are kinky?
A: They start doing it in the missionary position.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

[Betarulz!]

Q:How are a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist the same?
A: They both have wet noses

Q: Why didn't Barbie ever get pregnant?
A: Because Ken always came in a different box.

[AGDPrincess70]

How do you make a dead baby float?
8 oz. ginger ale, two scoops dead baby

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I have a dirty joke, but it's a visual so it won't translate on GC.

[smiley21]

What is 69 plus 69?
Dinner for four.

If you want to sleep for 9 hours but your wife wants two hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours and 59 min. who cares what the wife wants!

Did you hear about the morning after pill for men?
It changes their blood type.

Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case the man misses

[swissmiss04]

This midget is jacking off one day and thinks that he must have the tiniest penis in the whole world. He asks all his friends and family and they agree that it's the smallest they've ever seen. Finally a friend suggests that he check out the Guinness Book of World Records and look for "Smallest Penis". So he opens it up to the page for "Smallest Penis" and gasps in horror. Then he says "Who's James?"

sorry babe...I had to use your name

[PSK480]

OK, we all know how a 10 year old will repeat anything they hear. So here's a joke playing on that

One day a 10 year old boy hears his parents fighting, his dad calls his mom a b*tch and his mom calls his dad and @$$h0le. So he asks what a b*tch and an @$$h0le are. His dad replies "Oh they're my boss and the people I work with" The boy accepts this and moves on with life. Later he hears his parents having sex and they mention tits and dick in their bedroom talk. He later asks them what they are. His mom tells him, "oh they're new words for coats and hats." The boy figures his mom wouldn't lie to him so he guess that's what they are.

The next morning he wakes up(it just so happens to be Thanksgiving, don't ask me I know it doesn't make sense but it will later) and goes into the bathroom where his dad is shaving. His dad cuts him self and says $h*t. The boy asks what shit is and his dad answers with, "It's this new type of shaving cream I'm using." as he puts some on his face. The boy heads down stairs where his carving the turkey. She cuts her self with the knife and says "F*ck!" the curious boy asks his mom what that work means and she responses, "It's a new way of carving the turkey I'm trying." Now at that moment the door bell rings. The boy goes to answer it and it turns out to be his dad's boss and a few co-workers.

The boy greets them with, "Hello B*tches and @$$h0les, may I take your tits and dicks, my dad is upstairs smearing $h*t on his face while my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

[GMUBunny]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE
ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
( because their balls fall over their butts and
they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail
parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final
copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

*For anyone who knows anything about medical insurance providers, this should hit home pretty well...*

Questions about HMOs

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
==============================================
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor
I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.
These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan.

But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and
has a diploma from a Third World Country.
==============================================
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.
==============================================
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
==============================================
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
==============================================
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What
should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.
==============================================
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.
==============================================
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15
Co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.