Quote:
Originally Posted by CrimsonTide4
A few questions to consider as you read through this:
1. How do black couples define their gender roles?
2. How do black men and women measure manhood and womanhood?
"Why Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men? A Fighting Spirit Is Important-but Not at Home"
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IBTL,
The two questions posed are deceptive in that they are entirely different from person to person. Gender roles and the measure of a man/woman are assigned by the two people that make up that particular black couple. There is no true model couple for this.
As for the content of the article I can only speak from my experience:
I know many a black woman who is in the church, and an organizer, and a career woman and I know women who are each of these separately and a whole host of other types of black women. I know plenty who are married and plenty who are single.
The thing is no two are alike. They're all different and thus their martial status can not be generalized. Among those that I know there are some shared beliefs and facts.
Some of the facts:
As black women advance (educationally and career wise) we statistically lower our chances of finding a suitable partner
We prefer black men to any other race
More than 50% of black children are currently being raised by single mothers
We are career oriented
Based on these facts many women I know have come up with some shared beliefs:
About ourselves:
1.We do not want to be another statistic and will do as much as possible to prevent this from happening.
2.We have high expectations of ourselves and those around us.
3.We want stability.
4.We work hard.
5.We don't ask for anything that we aren't willing to give.
About Men:
1.We expect for our men to be providers.
2.We expect our men to match us- My best friend wont even have a conversation with a guy if he is not a college student or college graduate (or college bound/inclined she understands that school isn't cheap). She feels like if he isn't in school then he's not doing enough with his life to match what she is doing and wants to do with hers.
3.We expect STABILITY. this is by far THE most important thing for most of the women I know. The point in a relationship is to provide support and love for one another. As black women, we look for a sense of "home" or someone and something that will always be there for us no matter what is going on in life. Unfortunately this in many of our lives is something we've never been able to find in black men. Starting with the men in our early lives. More than anything else we want for our men to understand who and what we are and we want them to be our rock. We expect financial stability as well.
4.We expect unyielding loyalty.
5.We expect love and protection.
From my own personal experience I can say that there is some validity to the statement that "a fighting spirit is important, but not at home."
I find myself in situations where I am fighting and arguing and I wonder why does it take this much? Why am I pushing myself and getting upset over issues that should be handled cordially? Am I pushing too hard? Can't I just let it go? Even when my b/f wants to just leave the subject alone I don't. I find it is more important to reach an understanding on a subject than it is to keep the peace because ultimately the conversation is going to happen again and until we reach understanding it will be an obstacle.
Two main issues for me are:
1.I have found that most men (even mine) cannot handle dealing with someone who is extremely driven, outspoken, strong willed, and dominant. It is not a good or bad thing it just is. I know myself and I know that what makes me successful in business, school, and a great many aspects of my life is the fact that I am ferociously determined to achieve whatever goal I set and I am unyielding in doing so. I know that I do not have to be this way all of the time, but being dominant at work and not so at home is a delicate balancing act. One that I would prefer not to have to perform. If a man can't handle me being my blunt, determined, and strong willed self all the time then he's not the one for me. I am not opposed to compromise. I think it's great, but some things I will not compromise on and this is one of them. So as for me any man who wants to be with me can get with the program or K.I.M. Does this attitude of mine (one that many black women share) "scare" black men away? Nope. Most of them were raised by a woman with a similar attitude so they're used to it. Which leads me to #2.
2.Black men and women do not successfully COMMUNICATE. Even in asking if black men are being scared away by black women the basis of the question is "Do black me fear black women?" and you only fear what you don't understand. Thus the correct question would be "Are black women making it too difficult for black men to communicate with and understand them?" Now, that is a question with merit and worth actually answering. Communication between two parties is much more difficult than most people believe. There's the verbal, non-verbal, and the never expressed thoughts that make conversation difficult. Even in being as outspoken as I am I find that there are a great many things that I don't say. Being considerate of other's feelings, not wanting to delve deeply in to certain subjects, fear, lack of trust and many other obstacles prevent communication. Until black men and black women learn how to constructively communicate among each other there will always be fear and there will be a state of broken-ness in the black couple, family, and community.
*To take a realistic look at why black women are not getting married and why black men seem to be running away from black women the many external factors that impact relationships must be analyzed. The issue I have with articles (and even books) like these is that they do not fully consider all of the forces that impact the black couple. To truly analyze this would take more space than a message board could provide.
! 
Hybrid Mode
