Saving yourself..to what extent?? - Page 5

FuzzieAlum · #61 02-18-2002, 08:42 PM

I am absolutely not a psychologist or sociologist ... but what I have read before as being the most likely factor of live-in couple divorcing more often is that those couples bring the less committed attitude of a live-in couple to a marriage. Obviously a live-in couple has some degree of commitment, but researchers said it was less than a "until death do us part" commitment. When they marry, many view it as a legality or formality, and don't really resolve to make the marriage work no matter what.

Now, this makes sense to me, but I don't know that it's true! I'm just passing on what I've heard.

Peaches-n-Cream · #62 02-18-2002, 09:00 PM

Some religions frown upon pre-marital sex and living together prior to marriage and divorce. There is nothing wrong with celebacy or traditional (old fashioned) values. Of course, you need to find a partner who shares the same values as you do. I wonder if the researchers took these factors into account.
I know three women who lived with men they were not married to. One wound up getting divorced after four years of marriage and a baby. The second broke up after less than a year of living together. She was glad that she had lived with him because she got to know him well enough to know that he wasn't "The One" and avoided a divorce. The third had been engaged for a year and had set a date before they moved in together. They were married three or four months later and still are with a baby.

Optimist Prime · #63 02-18-2002, 10:30 PM

what about kissing though? I forget who said it but they said something like it didn't sound healthy to have your first kiss and first srump in the same 24 hours. I agree. How traumatic.

twinstars · #64 02-19-2002, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Optimist Prime
what about kissing though? I forget who said it but they said something like it didn't sound healthy to have your first kiss and first srump in the same 24 hours. I agree. How traumatic.

I agree. That sort of situation sounds far from ideal to me. If you want to wait until after the wedding to kiss and be physical, then fine, but maybe it would be better to just kiss a bit on the wedding night and wait a few months for sex? It sure wouldn't give you much chance to ease into things and get comfortable if you're expected to do it all for the first time in one night (when you're already beyond exhausted from the wedding day and all). I dunno, doing it all in one night just doesn't seem natural to me. Other than one night stands, when non-married people are having a relationship, they usually don't kiss for the first time and have sex for the first time on the same night. At least, most people wouldn't recommend doing that if you want a stable relationship. There is usually a natural progression that takes at least a few weeks (for most people, I guess).

twinstars · #65 02-19-2002, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cream
Some religions frown upon pre-marital sex and living together prior to marriage and divorce.

Here's the thing about those studies...

It seems to me like the couples most likely to cohabitate would also be the least religious. The more religious you are, the less likely you are to get divorced since religion frowns upon divorce.

So the sorts of people who would live together are the same sorts of people who would get a divorce without much guilt or shame if they wanted one.

I don't think it's necessarily the act of sharing a living space before marriage that makes divorce more likely, but that the type of person who cohabitates is also (generally speaking) the type of person more likely to divorce (based on lack of traditional values alone... not based on simply the act of sharing an apartment before the wedding ceremony).

The ultra-religious wouldn't get divorced in all but the worst situations, and they certainly would never live together before marriage.

James · #66 02-19-2002, 03:30 PM

I think divorce has become pretty recognized as an acceptable and common thing . . . even inevitable in some people's mind. I don't know if that is good bad or indifferent, it just is.

LexiKD · #67 02-19-2002, 04:07 PM

If you live together or not, it's that couples decison, I think I wouldn't but I say that now and could change my mind. I don't think it is a bad thing, but it's more to deal with not buying the cow and getting the milk for free.

Divorce happens for many reasons and I would not have any shame of getting divorced if it were the right thing to do.

ErikaXO · #68 02-19-2002, 11:51 PM

I can't imagine a girl wanting to save EVERYTHING......good luck getting a guy to get serious enough to marry her if she won't even kiss him. That's pretty pathetic.

Personally I am not big on the idea of saving oneself for marriage at all.......sex is a big part of a relationship, like it or not. You really need to have a good sexual relationship in a marriage, and if you don't know if you are sexually compatible tht can be a problem. Just my opinion.

LexiKD · #69 02-20-2002, 01:56 AM

Erika: Ditto

There has to be chemistry.

greeklawgirl · #70 02-20-2002, 01:42 PM

Against my better judgement, I'm going to break my policy of not discussing these personal issues and respond just this one time.

I waited to meet my now-husband before I chose to become intimate. For me, it was definitely the right choice and it is a decision that I will never regret.

I agree with Erika that sex is a very important and wonderful part of marriage. But we part ways in the idea that you need to "test the waters" to find out if you are sexually compatible.

Call me incredibly naive, but I believe that if there is already a deep, abiding, emotional and mental love between two people...99% of the time, sexual compatibility will follow. It is an amazing compliment to the strong foundation that already exists between the couple. The other 1% of the time...well, there are medications, therapies and all sorts of help available to help a couple weather the storm and "get to where they want to go."

Granted, I may not have had much experience before I met my husband. I also have no one to compare him to. However, that having been said...I didn't need to sleep with anyone else or with him right away to KNOW that we are sexually compatible, or to know that our sex life is mind-blowing.

I'm not saying this to get "holier-than-thou" on anyone. Again, waiting was the right thing for ME to do. As long as you can make peace with your own decisions, that is what really counts.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I step off my soapbox and take my leave.

h2oot · #71 02-20-2002, 02:34 PM

Hypothetically speaking:

If I were getting married in a few months, but had been having sex with my fiancee in the past, I think I would want to abstain for maybe three or four months prior to the wedding to make the wedding night "special". I know its not the same as a "first time", but I kinda like the idea of the wedding night being more than just another trip to the supermart.

Any thoughts on this?

LexiKD · #72 02-20-2002, 03:54 PM

h2too: I see the point, it would be fun!

juniorgrrl · #73 02-20-2002, 04:21 PM

I think the wedding night should be something special as well. I think abstaining for awhile prior to the marriage will heighten the anticipation of the wedding night and consumating the marriage.

With regard to sexual compatibility, I agree with greeklawgirl. It follows from a deep love for the other person 99% of the time.

I have never been with any other boys than my honey. He's the only person I've ever dated, first person I ever kissed. And we are both still virgins. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the one, and that we are very physically compatible. Sometimes you just know.

The saying "sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince" just doesn't hold true for some people. I found my prince charming on the first try, and I know that I'll never need or want anyone else.

amycat412 · #74 02-20-2002, 04:32 PM

I have to disagree.

Sexual compatibility is not a foregone conclusion just because you love someone.

But, assuming you've fooled around enough--made out, groped, etc-- you can figure out whether you are or not ... only once in a rare while does hot hot hot chemistry in foreplay NOT equal compatibility, but it DOES happen-- ruined a relationship for me--everything was SO GREAT-- good friends, lots of laughs, great fooling around, but seriously PATHETIC sex. And sex is very important.

H2oot -- I think abstaining for awhile is a nice idea!!! I have friends that did that, and then on wedding night were too tired and drunk to have sex and then got on a plane to Virgin Gourda the next morning, so first time they had sex in three months was on a beautiful island in the Caribbean-- my friend was so happy she abstained--it made it even more special.

James · #75 02-21-2002, 11:55 PM

Have mercy on us

Its sometimes hard to answer emotionally ladened questions on an internet bulletin board. The trend is to answer analytically. So we try to quanitfy and qualify emotions in order to talk about them.

This being said, and going back towards the original post, how long to wait? Well, not speaking for anyone else, not even guys in general, when I am infatuated with someone or in love . . . its like no other experience, if I could bottle it as a drug I wouldn't sell it, i would use it all myself.

I swear the world is a better place because that person is alive, the colors seem richer and just the thought of them makes my heart race and my skin break out in goose pimples. Its like agony and ecstasy combined with a sense of wonder and discovery.

And for that feeling I would walk through fire, and wait forever, because just being with that person feels so much infinitely better than being anywhere else. Being with that person is like being home.

But, how analytical is that reply? So how useful to a bulletin board full of people?

Quote:

Originally posted by h2oot

I haven't exactly gotten into "rating" guys or "optimizing" relationships. To me its more about bonding, intimacy, compatibility, and chemistry. And these blend together on an emotional and intellectual level not as a rating on a score card (pun intended).

There is a lot to be said about the mystery of love and coming together as a couple....and discovery.

If you really wanted to do this objectively you could:

1) sleep with a control group of women of various sizes, nationalities, races...hey maybe even a few guys (ya never know...wink.)

2) sleep with your prospective mate for comparison. You should prolly videotape it so you can fully assess reactions, mean time to orgasm, flexibility, durability, max torque, RPMs, etc.

3) conduct a cost benefit analysis of the relationship. Maybe you can get a better "deal" with the gal down the street. Who knows, maybe at the corner pub you can get a "two for one" or a "happy hour special."

4) be sure you "breed" a couple of kids to see if your prospect is as responsive after a day with the kids. I mean a guy as to be sure the lady keeps him smiling.

5) etc., etc.

I want to clairify one thing--I'm not against pre-marital sex, I am stressing that I will BE with a guy depending on my emotional readiness and not because some guy feels it's his due or if he threatens to move on.

I agree as you get older some of the issues may change, but for now I'm about being in love first. What works for me is if sex is an expression of my love, than to hope I can find love out of sex.