Moving in with BF! I need advice.

[GreekGirley]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

So, you get married, have kids, spouse dies and there's no point in a second marriage because you've already given "everything" to someone else?.

Of course not - you KNOW the point I was trying to make. And it has nothing to do with the death of a spouse!! The point I'm making is that so many couples now choose to do EVERYTHING married couples do without getting married...they even have "house warming" showers instead of wedding showers. So, if they're already committed to sharing everything else in life, what is going to change with a piece of paper? (**I'm using absurdity to illustrate what I believe to be absurd!**)

Marriage should be distinct and different than any other union in life. But when we engage in activities that are really set apart for married couples, we take away most of the special aspects of marriage by prematurely engaging in everything that married couples do.

Like just try watching some junior high and elementary school kids these days... I mean, it's like these kids now want to experience EVERYTHING we did - but 10-15 yrs earlier. They're all in a rush to 'grow up' - and for what?? So they can 'experience' things? That's what LIFE is for. It's made up of experiences. And once that 'thrill' of doing something new is gone, what's next??

I'm just saying - what's the rush? Where's the fire?

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Of course not - you KNOW the point I was trying to make. And it has nothing to do with the death of a spouse!! The point I'm making is that so many couples now choose to do EVERYTHING married couples do without getting married...they even have "house warming" showers instead of wedding showers. So, if they're already committed to sharing everything else in life, what is going to change with a piece of paper? (**I'm using absurdity to illustrate what I believe to be absurd!**)
Marriage should be distinct and different than any other union in life. But when we engage in activities that are really set apart for married couples, we take away most of the special aspects of marriage by prematurely engaging in everything that married couples do.

"We?"
Sorry is someone forcing you into a situation or relationship in which you're uncomfortable? Or are you just here to tell everyone else how they're ruining their potential for a happy married life by waking up next to each other without a license?

If the commitment of marriage, or a similar union, handfasting or partnership isn't a reason for one to get married (or unionized, or partnered or handfasted) then one is probably not going to get married, etc.

I'm also amused that in your scenario a wife has to give her husband something, but no mention of the husband giving the wife something he's given to NO OTHER WOMAN.

Oh and btw, let me know when you're going to give me permission to marry more than one person so I can GIVE SOMETHING SPECIAL to the partners who I'm clearly slighting now.

Like just try watching some junior high and elementary school kids these days... I mean, it's like these kids now want to experience EVERYTHING we did - but 10-15 yrs earlier. They're all in a rush to 'grow up' - and for what?? So they can 'experience' things? That's what LIFE is for. It's made up of experiences. And once that 'thrill' of doing something new is gone, what's next??

I'm just saying - what's the rush? Where's the fire?

And when will the damn kids get off your lawn!

Because kids have just recently started to be in a hurry to grow up. No one lied about their age during the Civil War era to get married or go to war, oh wait. Darn 15 year olds, always sneaking into the military. Kids these days!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Darn 15 year olds, always sneaking into the military. Kids these days!

I liked that episode of M*A*S*H where Richie Cunningham said he was 18 to get into the military and in reality he was like 2.

And I hate to break it to GG, but single people buy houses and have housewarming showers.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Of course not - you KNOW the point I was trying to make. And it has nothing to do with the death of a spouse!! The point I'm making is that so many couples now choose to do EVERYTHING married couples do without getting married...they even have "house warming" showers instead of wedding showers. So, if they're already committed to sharing everything else in life, what is going to change with a piece of paper? (**I'm using absurdity to illustrate what I believe to be absurd!**)

You assume I (and others) "know" the point you are trying to make. You assume incorrectly. I'm just going with what you're actually saying, and the absurdity did not come through to me as intentional.

Like I (and 33girl) said, the distinctive of marriage is the promise of lifetime commitment. As someone who has been married for over 20 years, I can say that your examples of saving something (like living together or whatever else) for that someone special that you didn't do with anyone else, or else what's the point of marriage, stuck me as totally missing the point. Sorry, but that's how it came across to me.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I liked that episode of M*A*S*H where Richie Cunningham said he was 18 to get into the military and in reality he was like 2.

And I hate to break it to GG, but single people buy houses and have housewarming showers.

One of the best episodes ever.

Those single people are missing out on the most dramatic amazing moment of their lives. Ever. You save something special to give to your husband and if you don't get married you give it to your house full of cats. It's just not the same.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

You assume I (and others) "know" the point you are trying to make. You assume incorrectly. I'm just going with what you're actually saying, and the absurdity did not come through to me as intentional.

Like I (and 33girl) said, the distinctive of marriage is the promise of lifetime commitment. As someone who has been married for over 20 years, I can say that your examples of saving something (like living together or whatever else) for that someone special that you didn't do with anyone else, or else what's the point of marriage, stuck me as totally missing the point. Sorry, but that's how it came across to me.

To clarify, in her words a woman should save something special for her HUSBAND. This is not something so egalitarian as that of which you speak.

[ASTalumna06]

WOW, what a coincidence...

I just noticed that my ex posted as his Facebook status earlier today: "Officially has an apt with his beautiful girlfriend!!!"

He just graduated from college. She's going to be a junior next year. The only difference is that they've only been together for 5 months.

Yea...

[33girl]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Sorry for being idyllic...

Guess I was born in the wrong era, because I'm of the school of thought that says you should be able to give your husband something special...something that you've given no one else. And if you've already moved in with (whether it means buying or leasing), had sex, started a family, or etc. then why even get married? I mean, just for the wedding? REALLY? If that's the case, then I'd advise against it, because you'll certainly lose out on the marriage penalty tax thing...

Maybe we just need to re-evaluate the reason for marrige.

You are giving him something you haven't given anyone else. You're giving him a legal assurance that you will be with him forever and you are declaring this to society at large.

You need to watch "The Day The Universe Changed" and enlighten yourself about customs/rituals/rites etc. Here, I'll even give you a link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LEIl...E4467071FD0EFD

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I always used "significant other" or "partner." Here's why:

1) I think post-college people are too old and too accomplished (or on their way) to have boyfriends and girlfriends. Or, at least to use that terminology in professional settings. It's about as silly as saying "my man" around people who aren't family, friends, or personal acquaintances.

2) Using "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" is very gendered when it tends to be unnecessary.

3) Using "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" is very sexual orientationed when it tends to be unnecessary.

Depending on the context and what you are saying, some people will wonder the gender of the "significant other" (or "life partner") and whether you are married. But, unless they are being nosey as hell, those details tend not to matter for a simple comment like "I have to consider where my significant other can do his residency." Using "his" would calm the gender and sexual orientation curiosities of some people. It still doesn't divulge the actual status of the relationship except that he's significant enough to be your significant other.

I liked "lifemate" the first time I heard it...however, the only problem w/ those or "life partner" can half feel like you're jinxing yourself (i.e. the "life" part won't pan out).

[GreekGirley]

Geez. Apparently, I cannot make a post on here about any subject without getting ripped a new one because someone disagrees with me. Regardless, I've posted what I believe and will stand by it. And, while I'm at it, I'll respond to one last thing...

DROLEFILLE - you mention that I only spoke of what the woman would give to the man (in the convo about 'saving' something special for him and ONLY him), but that I didn't make mention that he would have to give her ANYTHING...and seemed bothered by that. Well, I'll offer 2 points:
1. I am not a man, and was speaking from a woman's point of view.
2. When a man marries a women, he offers his name (surname) to her - which states to the whole world that he wants to be known as her husband. I think that's a pretty big deal.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Geez. Apparently, I cannot make a post on here about any subject without getting ripped a new one because someone disagrees with me. Regardless, I've posted what I believe and will stand by it. And, while I'm at it, I'll respond to one last thing...

LOL

Why do folks get upset when people DISCUSS things on a DISCUSSION board?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

2. When a man marries a woman, he offers his name (surname) to her - which states to the whole world that he wants to be known as her husband. I think that's a pretty big deal.

A man can also take his wife's name (hyphenated or otherwise) if she "offers" it to him. Just ask this guy.

[lovespink88]

Originally Posted by 33girl

A man can also take his wife's name (hyphenated or otherwise) if she "offers" it to him. Just ask this guy.

*swoon*

That is my only contribution to this thread.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

2. When a man marries a women, he offers his name (surname) to her - which states to the whole world that he wants to be known as her husband. I think that's a pretty big deal.

Serious question: What if she decides not to take his last name and instead keeps her own surname? Is she stating to the whole world that she doesn't want to be known as his wife?

[DrPhil]

LOL. This thread is also about GreekGirley learning the history and different meanings behind women taking men's surnames. I respect people who choose to take their spouse's surnames. But, as for me and my house, it's all about hyphens.

I'm a big fan of hyphenated last names; couples swapping last names; and people keeping their own last name. None of those reduce the bonds of marriage just because they aren't considered traditional.

[KSig RC]

SPECIAL THINGS MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL RECEIVE ON OR IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING OUR WEDDING DAY:

1 - Access to my pogs, which have been meticulously kept and curated, and certainly will retain their value well into our 70s.

2 - Sweet, sweet cake directly into her maw then around the facial area, because that is ALWAYS funny, no matter how lame the couple.

3 - 50% of a rapidly-declining 401k.

4 - A lifetime spent staring down a super-annoying estate she'll have to break up and distribute among family she barely likes, because I will assuredly die before her.

5 - A 42% chance of divorce! (STATS ARE STATS)

6 - The admiration of most of her peers, the jealousy of quite a few, and the astonishment of the rest, because how on Earth can she put up with his shit?

7 - Cocktails. Many.

8 - A moderate sexual performance, because my ass will be exhausted, and GOTTA WAKE UP TO OPEN BLENDERS JEEEEEEZ.

9 - Biannual flowers, probably with a pithy card (typed, because handwriting is for children), delivered to her office - once at exorbitant made-up-holiday prices, and again at 70% off for a larger and more attractive bouquet on the more important date anyway.

10 - Condescension when I'm tired and she's acting like an asshole, then a rapid return to normal in the morning, likely with applicable makeup actions.

11 - Partial ownership of one (1) semi-dirty car. Comes with many miles, and an excellent set of golf clubs in the trunk.

12 - A new, warm body on her health insurance, because mine is ludicrously expensive even though I've basically never used it.

13 - 40 years of awesome, with approx. 2 years of trouble mixed in (this will be non-consecutive, but I'm assuming about 5% will be less-than-smooth sailing in some way).

CONGRATS! Good thing we didn't do these things beforehand, GOD marriage wouldn't be special.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Geez. Apparently, I cannot make a post on here about any subject without getting ripped a new one because someone disagrees with me. Regardless, I've posted what I believe and will stand by it. And, while I'm at it, I'll respond to one last thing...

cool, just stop speaking for "We" and only speak for "I" thank you very much.

DROLEFILLE - you mention that I only spoke of what the woman would give to the man (in the convo about 'saving' something special for him and ONLY him), but that I didn't make mention that he would have to give her ANYTHING...and seemed bothered by that.

I'm not bothered at all, I just think you're participating in the sexism inherent in our culture.

Well, I'll offer 2 points:
1. I am not a man, and was speaking from a woman's point of view.

You're not? Huh, news to me. Anyway, that's nice, but you didn't seem to expect being offered anything special for you and only you either.

2. When a man marries a women, he offers his name (surname) to her - which states to the whole world that he wants to be known as her husband. I think that's a pretty big deal.

Or he erases her father's last name and replaces it with his own symbolically passing ownership of the chattel that is now his.

No, that's not really what modern people feel about the issue but it is a valid interpretation. I'm amused that moving in with the man is what the woman can offer in exchange for his name. At least you're not insisting on her offering her virginity. At least. Or something.

But you know kids these days, I'm amused you dropped that line altogether.

Originally Posted by GreekGirley

Discussion is fine. Ragging on a belief system is not.

So why are you ragging on other people's relationships then, or is it only OK if you judge them (and the kids these days) but not OK if you're judged.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Serious question: What if she decides not to take his last name and instead keeps her own surname? Is she stating to the whole world that she doesn't want to be known as his wife?

Duh.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

If you are paying attention, most of the people typing to you are not fans of cohabitation.

I'm for it, if people want to do it. I don't see it as particularly harmful, nor do I see marriage as the ultimate goal of all relationships. But to each their own.

/i know you said most, just wanted to put that out there.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

LOL. This thread is also about GreekGirley learning the history and different meanings behind women taking men's surnames. I respect people who choose to take their spouse's surnames. But, as for me and my house, it's all about hyphens.

I'm a big fan of hyphenated last names; couples swapping last names; and people keeping their own last name. None of those reduce the bonds of marriage just because they aren't considered traditional.

I'm kind of pondering what, if anything I'll do, but it depends on how things develop.