Pregnant Pledge

[alphaalpha]

i have a good friend who got pregnaunt when we were both 20. She kept the baby and lived with her parents, She had graduated from junior college with a transfer degree but once she got pregnaunt she didn't go on to a 4 year school. She lived with her parents, who would baby sit for her if she paid them and only when they could do it,mostly likely only when she was working or had to go to the doctor. Sometimes if we wanted to shopping she would get permission from her parents to baby sit her son. I love my friend to death and her son, but quite honestly i really can not relate to her. She is still a nice person, but all her money goes to her son in one way or another minus living expenses such as food, car payment, ect. But eventhough i still think that she is a wonderful person she has changed. We can not go out and have fun on friday nights, we cant go anywhere with out finding someone to babysit, and as mean as it may sound at the age of 20 i didn't really want to deal with dipers, baby doctor visits and a whole lot of things dealing with the baby. No mater how much i love my friend, i really have (still to this day) have a harder time relating to her.

I think, for me, this would be the issue. If i were in an undergraduate chapter how are 18, 19 and 20 years olds who are at college to get an education suppose to relate to someone who has a baby and has to deal with (ie illness, other stuff). I would not want to be around a baby at that age and i really would not think that it would be the best to assume that other women this age would want to be around babies and children especially since i could not relate and I think that it would be bad to assume that other girls would.

I could just image that women might leave a sorority cause they could not feel that they could relate and be close to someone who is dealing with a big major part of their lifes that the average college freshman would be dealing with.

[sugar and spice]

Originally posted by kddani

And if i'm prejudiced for thinking that a teenager with a child shouldn't be spending her "spare" time between class, raising a child, work, etc worrying about being in a sorority and all the hours of time involved, then so be it. Never knew I was prejudiced for valuing my ideal that one should spend time with her child.

Come on. It is not your business to decide what other people do with their time. This is like saying you shouldn't rush if you're pre-med or pre-law or engineering because you should be studying instead of doing sorority things, or you shouldn't rush if you're on a sports team or if you have a job because you won't have enough time to balance that, or you shouldn't rush if you have a sick family member you have to take care of or a boyfriend you have to spend time with, or, you know, friends outside of the sorority. We all do not have to become slaves to our sororities. In my sorority, the required pledge activities were meetings 1-2 hours a week and one all-day pledge retreat, which is nothing a pregnant woman (or even new mom) couldn't handle. And of course, this is all assuming that she's not giving the baby up for adoption, as someone (I think ZTAngel) mentioned above. If she's already going to school full-time, she's obviously got some kind of financial stability and someone to look after the kid several days a week. Is adding a few more hours to the mix really going to be that damaging?

I think this idea that "new moms should spend all their time possible with their babies" particularly interesting in light of concerns that post-partum depression is linked to the idea that mothers don't spend enough time with people their own age, being social, and they start to feel isolated.

Personally, I think this entire thread is hilarious because people are bending over backwards trying to be PC and saying, "No, no, it's not that we don't want pregnant pledges because pregnant=premarital sex=QR, it's just that we're just thinking about what's best for the kid!" But they manage to be even more offensive this way, by pushing off their parenting ideas (when many of them aren't even parents) on everybody else and saying that you're a bad mom if you don't conform. If you don't want a pregnant girl in your chapter -- fine, mutual selection allows us to drop girls from rush for a lot of less-than-substantial reasons. But don't start calling people bad parents because their idea of parenting doesn't match up with yours. You can work full-time or go to school full time (while joining a sorority) and still bring up great kids. You can hang out with your kid 24/7 until it's 18 and have the most obnoxious kid known to man. My mom worked full-time for most of the time that my sister and I were growing up, and guess what? We both turned out 20 times better than anyone we know with stay-at-home moms. It's the quality of the parenting, not the quantity.


I'm also interested -- what if a member of your chapter got pregnant and decided to keep the baby after she had already initiated?

[kddani]

Originally posted by sugar and spice
Come on. It is not your business to decide what other people do with their time. This is like saying you shouldn't rush if you're pre-med or pre-law or engineering because you should be studying instead of doing sorority things, or you shouldn't rush if you're on a sports team or if you have a job because you won't have enough time to balance that, or you shouldn't rush if you have a sick family member you have to take care of or a boyfriend you have to spend time with, or, you know, friends outside of the sorority.

No, it's not my business to decide what people do with their time. But it was my business during an undergrad to decide on membership and who would be appropriate for membership.

having a child is no where near comparable to your major, job, or sports team.

We all do not have to become slaves to our sororities. In my sorority, the required pledge activities were meetings 1-2 hours a week and one all-day pledge retreat, which is nothing a pregnant woman (or even new mom) couldn't handle.

Well that was your chapter. Mine didn't work that way, there were a lot more requirements.

If you don't want a pregnant girl in your chapter -- fine, mutual selection allows us to drop girls from rush for a lot of less-than-substantial reasons. But don't start calling people bad parents because their idea of parenting doesn't match up with yours.

Yep, I said that's what mutual selection is for.
And I didn't call anyone a bad parent. I, along with everyone else, am allowed to express my beliefs and opinions. Just like you can.

I'm also interested -- what if a member of your chapter got pregnant and decided to keep the baby after she had already initiated?

Totally different issue, and not the subject of this thread. But for what it's worth my opinion would be that she should go inactive, because that's a lot to deal with.

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

Originally posted by kddani
No, it's not my business to decide what people do with their time. But it was my business during an undergrad to decide on membership and who would be appropriate for membership.

having a child is no where near comparable to your major, job, or sports team.

At my school, we held "rush classes" to help explain to the new girls what to look for (and what to avoid) during rush.

good:
"My GPA is a 4.0!"
"I'm looking for a great sisterhood."
"I'm really interested in getting involved."

bad:
"Is GPA a brand of beer?"
"Your letters look really "greek". I like that."
"I have barely any time. I'm with my boyfriend/at my 6 jobs/painting all day."


Meaning, as a sister, you DO kind of decide how appropriate a girl's use of time is. Membership is at a premium -- you only take the girls that (a) are a good fit for your group and (b) will contribute.

I think, fair or not, that I'd question how much a new mom could contribute. I'm sure she's great. But being in a sorority does take up time. Which, it sounds like, most new moms don't have.

[Bama_Alumna]

I do not think a chapter should be deciding for a woman if she can or cannot handle the membership requirements.

Isn't that what rush is, though? The chapter deciding who does and does not meet the requirements for membership? The standards the chapter sets could be for looks, money, personality, grades, time commitment, morals, etc., but that is generally how rush works, at least in my experience.

[AGDee]

I have said this in other posts, but I will repeat it

IT DEPENDS

on the chapter
on the woman's situation
on the college
on the support system the woman has
on the woman's financial situation

In my experience, every organization I've ever been in has been similar in levels of participation: 10% do the majority of the work. Another 40% or so are pretty helpful, and the rest are minimal participants.

I don't think it is fair to condemn a pregnant 19 year old for choosing to continue with her pregnancy, go to college, and try to live a "typical" college student life too. That is a life learning experience that can be beneficial. There are so many different hypothetical scenarios that could be presented. It would work out fine in some situations and horribly in others. Chapters know which is the truth for their campus.

My next door neighbors have a daughter who is now 22 who has a 3 year old son. Their daughter went back to school the semester after she had her baby. She lived AWAY at school. I would bet she didn't tell a lot of people at school that she had a son. This was the best circumstance for this child and this young woman. She was no where near ready to be a parent, her parents and brothers are always around and they all take part in the parenting of this child. He's adorable, bright, and charismatic. He has a huge family of adults who love him, discipline him and care for him. Is that a bad thing? Nope. He knows that mommy is in college and he is proud to now be in pre-school because he goes to school just like his mommy does. He is very bonded to his mom and misses her, but he is also bonded to his grandparents and uncles. They had a choice. They could support him and help raise him, or they could have their daughter not finish college, not have a career and be on welfare or work minimum wage jobs to struggle her whole life. The child knows who his mother is and doesn't confuse grandparents or uncles as his parents.

Of course ultimately it's up to the chapter. I was just pointing out earlier that all chapters are different and some cannot afford to rule out non-traditional students because they are at non-traditional universities.

Dee

[exodus]

I don't think that a pregnant woman is looked down on, but if something was to happen to the pledge it could fall back on the organization. Me and my #1 were both pregnant when we pledged. Me being pregnant had no effect on my pledging. The fact that I was on the golf team effected my pledging more. In fact I wanted to join my organization so bad that I carried the weight of some of my line sisters.

[cynical0123]

This is a very interesting discussion...whether its good or bad, I highly doubt any pregnant girls would go through recruitment at my large conservative southern school. I mean, we had a girl who was initiated and became pregnant during her sophomore year. She was engaged to the father, but she became pregnant before they had even planned the wedding. She was forced to go to alumni status or disafiliate by our chapter. The process was done as quickly and quietly as possible, to "save face" for our chapter...I've heard of similar stories from other chapters on my campus. Do you all have any experience/stories about this?

[ladypi]

cynical, that is exactly what happens with girls who got pregnant in my sorority at my school. Everyone was very supportive and were even bridesmaids in their weddings, but they bowed out gracefully. I honestly NEVER even saw pregnant girls around my campus, a large southern school.

[norcalKAO]

Originally posted by AlphaPhiBubbles
Being a child development minor...and just someone extremley interested in the "betterment" of today's parents...I'm going to have to disagree with some of you about this time commitment thing. It's nice for women to think we can do it all nowadays (often because we have no other choice), meaning working full time, having a family, and having outside hobbies/activities to keep us happy, but just because some people may be forced into those situations because of socio-economic status or loss/absence of a spouse doesn't mean that it's an OK situation to raise children in. It sucks. It really does. Not speaking from personal experience because I'm 22 and have no children, but being in a sorority in college IS almost like having a full time job and the more time spent with your child/ren the BETTER. ESPECIALLY in the first 8 years of your child's life. I really can't emphasize this enough. If at least one parent didn't have to work full time in order for the family to stay financially stable, that would be an ideal situation for all families. Of course that is pretty unrealistic.

I might add that I guess I'm assuming we're talking about a single mother, because bringing a working, stable, supportive father into the picture changes things quite a bit.

This is completely off the subject but I had to reply to this because maybe due to your major you feel qualified to lecture and judge, however I’m sorry but I feel you’re lacking any sense of personal connection to the topic to understand what you’re saying. Not that I would understand it any better, given I don’t have children, but I have a friend whom at 17 was left with the responsibility of raising her older sisters 2 month old simply because her sister decided she didn’t want the responsibility, and every time I saw her changing a diaper, taking her to the park, teaching her how to walk, talk, and blowing us off at night because she had to put her to bed made me realize that she wasn’t doing that because she was forced to, or because it was the right thing to do, but because she loved & loves that little girl like she was her own, and for 3 years now I can honestly say I think she would do anything for that little girl to guarantee her a chance at a good life.

Which brings me to my second point, she was engaged, and this guy made enough money to support them for a lifetime, he loved the little girl like she was his own, and it was their choice to raise her, it never seemed forced on either of them, and to be honest I don’t know if I would be able to do that after seeing everything they went through if put in that situation; but she also chose to join the military not to have a career (or feel like she could "do it all"), but because she knew it would guarantee a future for them both independently, and although sadly last year her fiancée passed away, her veteran status is what’s helping her get her BS now, while both her family and his family help raise the little girl. I think it comes down to this, people with that kind of responsibility generally know what they should and shouldn’t do in life, but I think maybe the difference is whether or not the parent(s) have the support they need.

Nichole

I am not one to air my laundry but I would like to tell my story in hopes it may help someone out there...My mothers cancer progressed and got worse so I transferred to be closer to her sooo not only have I been to OleMiss where I am a KD alum but I also attended Mississippi University for Women...at the "W" they have social clubs and being a Junior transfer I wanted to rush because I didnt know anyone!
When I was pledging I found out that I was pregnant by my fiance of 2 years whom was a PIKE alum @ OleMiss. I was shocked and upset but I had some AMAZING sisters who stood by myside! I finished pledging the Highlander Social Club and immediatly became an alum!
I had my little boy Princeton-Joseph on June 15th, 2004 and he is AMAZING! I had the best shower & had my closest KD & HL sisters by myside! So you CAN finish school, be a great mom, and be a member of a soroitity or social club!

[LightBulb]

Aww, he's so precious!

I have a sister who had a baby months before pledging. We love her (we're sophomores now) and her adorable baby.

Originally posted by cynical0123
This is a very interesting discussion...whether its good or bad, I highly doubt any pregnant girls would go through recruitment at my large conservative southern school. I mean, we had a girl who was initiated and became pregnant during her sophomore year. She was engaged to the father, but she became pregnant before they had even planned the wedding. She was forced to go to alumni status or disafiliate by our chapter. The process was done as quickly and quietly as possible, to "save face" for our chapter...I've heard of similar stories from other chapters on my campus. Do you all have any experience/stories about this?

I went to a larger southern school before my pregnancy and was very close to some of my sisters but when I had to tranfer & I did become pregnant..I did lose touch with the majority of my sisters and I know thats why but the ones that I was the closest to have been around!
I dont believe I have ever seen a pregnant greek at OleMiss...

Originally posted by LightBulb
Aww, he's so precious!

I have a sister who had a baby months before pledging. We love her (we're sophomores now) and her adorable baby.

Aww Thanks! I am sure proud!

[lifesaver]

Not to pour some hater-aid on this thread, but there is a big ole difference (I think) between someone being a pregnant as a pledge in APO, vs Phi Mu or something, especially if it were at a southern school with a compedative rush. Its apples and oranges. I am sure it would spark some discussion and such in APO. But I also think you would be much more likely to hear conversation A, than conversation B.

Conversation A: "Did ya'll hear about that KKG pledge who is pregnant?"

Conversation B: "Did ya'll hear about that APO pleadge who is pregnant?"

The amount of drama it would cause would probably be campus dependent as well.

ETA, that baby is cutest damn thing I have ever seen!