Discipline: Spanking

[starang21]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I don't want to be spanked.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by starang21

The funny thing is that the joke WAS for you.

[IrishLake]

You come to my church tomorrow at 10am, and you will see 2 of the most well behaved kids under the age of 5 in a church-ever. Not lying, and a little bit bragging, we get complimented nearly every week from other church members sitting around us about how good our children are. I make sure to tell them how proud I am of them for being so good, especially when we see other kids around us acting up. Why are they this good? Two reasons: we reward for good behavior, and we punish for bad behavior. They know if they are good in church, they MIGHT get something special at home, like a donut. They know if they are bad, they will not get a donut for sure, they will likely lose a privledge to something else, and if it's really bad, a spank will be involved. I swat maybe once or twice a month, and I can count how many times I have fulled blown spanked my children. And you better believe that after some crying, I am in their room with them, soothing and discussing why there was a spank involved, and not a usual punishment, like taking toys away until they're earned back. It is a direct result of a severely improper action, they were warned, and made a choice to ignore the warning. As a result, my kids are learning that there is a consequence to every action, and they are learning to think things through beforehand. It is NEVER a result of my impatience or anger. (I leave the room and count to 10 or 20 pretty dang often...patience is not one of my virtues). Oh... and in the same light, we do not reward to the point where our kids expect it every time. It gets close sometimes, and we have to back off the rewarding for good behavior. I know plenty of kids (tball team comes to mind) that won't do anythign without a bribe from mommy.


I'm sorry to hear some people resent their parents for spanking, but I sure don't resent mine, nor my grandparents (my German grandma was the one who yielded the kockloffel ...all she had to do was wave it in our direction, and every single grandkid sat down and shut up, lol... and then we got thumbprint cookies). I know the times I was spanked it was deserved, and I'm certainly not "more violent" as a result. Lucky for us parents we get to make the rules, and not our kids.


It's funny... because all the kids I knew growing up who were aggressive or considered bullies... were the kids whose parents thought they were special wittle snowflakes that pissed rainbows and farted apple pie and those parents would never ever DARE to discipline their child with a spank. Those were the kids that needed it most.

[KSUViolet06]

LOL @ more violent.

Everytime I got a spanking (which was maybe 10 times in my entire childhood), I knew I deserved it. Example: when we got the bright idea to spray passing cars with our Supersoakers. Um, we could've caused a pretty bad accident and/or gotten someone hurt. We are very lucky that the worst of our problems was a whack with the wooden spoon.

Anyway, I have taught Sunday school before and I can tell you that the worst, most bratty children who hit other kids are the ones whose parents think the sun shines out of their behinds and would never so much as look at their children harshly, much less spank them.

[als463]

Originally Posted by fantASTic

I can't believe how many of you are pro-spanking. I am not.

I was spanked as a child (not beaten; spanked) and still hold severe resentment to my parents for it. I think it's totally unacceptable to teach children that an acceptable reaction to misbehaving or irritating someone is violence. Studies have shown that children who are spanked are significantly more likely to be violent and aggressive towards other children, even after controlling for dozens of factors (including natural aggressiveness). I personally do not want a violent and aggressive child; if you do, that is your prerogative, but do not be surprised to find out that he or she gets in trouble at school.

If your kid is acting up in the grocery store or a restaurant, you just leave. That's how it works. You. Leave. Does it inconvenience you? Yep. But you chose to have kids - that comes with the territory.

I don't have children yet and I don't resent my parents but, I agree with you on this one. I have already talked to my boyfriend about how I want to raise our children, in the future, after we get married. We have both decided we don't want to spank/ hit our children. I'm not a flower-child or someone who thinks all children are rainbows and butterflies but, I don't see the need to hit a child. I agree that if the kid acts like a little brat, leave. While I'm sure there are many people on this site who actually parent their children, you have to admit that there are people out there who couldn't be bothered with "dealing" with their kids. If you have kids (whether by choice or chance) don't be a jerk and make the rest of us have to deal with your handful by allowing him/ her to be loud and obnoxious. I don't think you need to spank, though. I would love to hear more ideas about how you can discipline your child minus spanking.

[Drolefille]

I'm pro-spanking mostly in the sense that I don't think it should be against the law, and I think there are times when it is the most effective and fastest way to ingrain "DANGER" into a kids head.

A swat on the hand when the kid keeps reaching for the stove. A spanking because the kid was riding the bike in the street, etc. But, my dad spanked me in anger, and that I just cannot be ok with. (I don't resent him or fear him or anything for it, I just won't make the same decisions)

[SWTXBelle]

I had 3 children who didn't need spanking. So, before #4, I was anti-spanking. Then came #4 - for whom spanking (or most of the time, the threat of it) was the only thing which worked for serious infractions for a period of about 2 years. As in most things parenting - I'd advise not speaking in absolutes. "I'd NEVER . . ." is setting yourself up.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by southbymidwest

Pet Peeve Alert: Uhh, no. Any selfish parents who let their kid act up (and not just a little fussing) in a restaurant without dealing with it (mainly by ignoring or unsuccessful cajoling) need to be spanked themselves. J/K, but it is not my problem that your little darling is tired/hungry/bored/out of patience/whatever. And don't make it worse by spanking the kid in the restaurant thereby letting the rest of the restaurant hear the kid crying/roaring from the spanking.

OK, back to regularly scheduled programming.

Fully agree. I am not above (politely) saying something to parents who allow this. They might think their little hellion is adorable, but his screaming is not cute. It's a problem I see a lot, for some reason extremely frequently in my hometown. Parents let their children RUN around the restaurant and I've seen waiters lose whole trays twice because a child ran straight into them-and have seen the parents yell at the poor waiter because they couldn't be bothered to say "Timmy SIT DOWN". Last week some kid in the booth behind myself and my boyfriend thought shooting balls of paper out of a straw at us was just so fun. So was jumping up and down on the seat, and popping up and screaming loudly. I finally turned around and asked the parents to please control their child only to have them look put out and tell me I should just leave. We complained to the manager and tipped the waiter heavily because that poor guy had to deal with that nightmare and its parents, too and still managed to be very nice to us. If I EVER behave like that as a parent someone better be hitting me, hard, and not with just a hand.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

The Post Provides the Context Alert.

Parents should eventually learn how to discipline their kids in public to avoid having to leave everytime the kid is acting up. I've seen kids taken to the restroom or outside during church service. The kids come back acting right. Something was successful whether it was a spanking, a grabbing, or a stern conversation.

That doesn't always work. It just plain doesn't. I have a cousin I have the...pleasure?...of babysitting occasionally and understand why her parents are at whit's end. They've tried every creative way of disciplining possible (incidentally they do not spank) but every time she hears another child act up in a restaurant she takes it as a challenge and attempts to top her peer. Short of Duct-taping her mouth shut or other methods that could be considered child abuse her there's nothing they haven't tried and oftentimes leaving is the only thing that keeps other customers from suffering, so one of them takes her outside, one pays, and they leave, which IMO is the right thing to do. I don't care how cute she is, no one wants to listen to that. Her brother, on the other hand, usually responds to a quiet "Do you want to lose your electronics privileges?" and at the worst gets a trip to the ladies room and a stern lecture and then feels guilty enough to apologize and hush. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to ask him twice to do/not do something. Every child is different, and it's not always feasible to stick it out in a public place just to prove a point.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

As all of my posts indicate, parenting begins at home. If you are unfortunate enough to have a loud and obnoxious child, that child generally didn't become that way in that public place. That child was that way at home or you observed a pattern of behavior somewhere and you didn't take care of it before you took that demon to a public place. All children have their ways about them but people can detect an out of control kid with clueless parents from miles away.

As I said, parents should eventually learn how to discipline their children (at home and) in public so that every outing doesn't become hell on Earth for themselves and others. I know what works in my household and people should figure out what works in theirs unless they plan on spending their lives at home.

By that same token, as I said, you cannot assume that because a child is obnoxious, the parents aren't doing their job. Some children are going to act out and you really can't know whether or not the parents are doing all that they can. My cousins were my example because they literally have tried everything (including a child psychologist to determine if there was a problem they were missing that was causing her to act out, like ADHD-so far two doctors have prescribed perseverance in their disciplining). The fact is, she's not a bad kid, she's just a really, really, really annoying one and is hell bent on being LOUDLY annoying at times. And her parents are better parents than 99.9% of the parents out there but they're probably going to have to continue to leave a few restaurants. It doesn't indicate that they don't know what they're doing or aren't trying. Again, children are individuals. Some individuals cannot be controlled at all times. It's a fact of life.

By your own advice the example I used is perfect. They have found a technique that works perfectly both at home and in public-when she refuses to respond to attempts at discipline, they remove her from the situation. It's their choice to refrain from using spanking etc. and to leave situations when they need to. That, IMO, makes them amazing parents.

PS-It is not a statement of fact that a child who begins yelling and misbehaving in a restaurant was doing so prior to arriving.

[IlovemyAKA]

I was spanked. I wasn't a troublesome kid at school because of it. All kids try to push their limits, and that's where my spankings came into play. I don't harbor any resentment because of spankings, and I will spank my kids.

[DrPhil]

Alumiyum, I stand behind my comments. Parents need to figure out whatever they need to figure out for their children and whatever works for their kids. Parenting is difficult but it isn't impossible. It is your cousin's job to figure out her child. If that means they won't go out in public because nothing works for the annoying child then that's completely on them and, depending on who you ask (including some child experts), that reflects more on the parents than the child. If the child has special needs then the needs must be learned to the best of their ability. If the child is The Omen then...I dunno.

This isn't a "how to" thread for parenting. Everything that I have said can be applied however parents see fit. If parents want to stay at home, get take-out, or leave everytime their child acts up (often because they didn't fix the problem the first two times their child acted up in public...not every badass child has "special needs") then that's fine for them. I hope the parents don't end up miserable or their child never feels that he or she is in charge of their household. If that happens, they shouldn't really wonder why.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by starang21

i was spanked. and i will spank.

in public and in private.

Me too. My mom called it "licks" as in "that's one lick." She didn't even say what we were doing wrong just "that's two licks." Those three words would set me straight every time. And, my mother didn't forget nethin. She'd say it in the morning on the way to school and I knew when I got home it was on.

She had no qualms about tearing me up in public either. She would literally pull the car over if my brother and I were fighting and we'd be on the side of the road getting busted. Of course, that was back before cell phones with DFACS/CPS on speed dial.

[SusySorostitute]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I agree, but I think it depends on the context of the kid misbehaving. In my experience, kid usually wants to be at the store or the restaurant so leaving is a reasonable response if possible, and is more of a punishment than caving to the tantrum. I know people who order their food and to go boxes at the same time, so if kid(s) pitches a fit, they pack up and go.

Just like spanking's not always the answer, the pick up and leave isn't either, but I think both can be in a parent's tool box.

Did your parents only take you to Toys R Us? I don't know too many kids who are keen on stores, getting dragged around on errands is like the prime time to act up.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by SusySorostitute

Did your parents only take you to Toys R Us? I don't know too many kids who are keen on stores, getting dragged around on errands is like the prime time to act up.

No, most of the time I've seen the kid wants a toy or a treat, often from the check out line. S/he's not trying to get out of shopping, but trying to get mommy or daddy to give in on the candy. Hence removal from the store is effective.

[DrPhil]

I remember when grocery stores began having candy/chips/toys-free check out lines so kids won't ask for stuff. I guess not every parent was able to get their kid to adhere to the "don't ask for anything" rule.