6/23/03 Dear Abby

[AXO Alum]

Originally posted by Lady Pi Phi
I have a question for our resident wedding coordinator.

We've already established that having a cash bar is tacky (which I agree with), but what if cost is an issue? If the couple would like to serve alcohol at there wedding but are afraid it might end up costing them an arm and a leg (of which they have none to spare), how is the cost of an open bar figured? Does the bartender tabulate all beverages ordered during the course of the recption and bill the couple after, or does the bartender/caterer/reception hall, etc determine a set fee prior to the engagment?

I'm not planning a wedding here...not even close , it's just a random questions of which I am very curious as to what the answer would be.

Well, I didn't mean to set up residency, just wanted to add in a few thoughts but okay, I'm elected....LOL!

An open bar can be figured in countless ways - it all depends on who is providing the alcohol, bartenders, servers, etc. One thing that I find in about 99.9% of my weddings is that regardless of said prior things, there is probably going to be a corkage fee -- this is an added fee, usually anywhere from 10-20% per bottle of alcohol (but sometimes can be up to 50%!!) -- this can be charged from the caterer, the facility location, or BOTH! This is where it PAYS (literally) to read your contracts carefully. When a facility offers a "preferred caterer" list, then that probably means that you will only be paying once -- but double check!

A common scenario regarding the cost of a bar is this -- the facility requires you to purchase all alcohol from them. In exchange they give you the quote/unquote "discount" pricing -- but check the contract because they probably will make up for that (and more) with the corkage fee -- you don't want to be serving $20 a bottle wine (that would have cost you $24 if you bought it yourself) and paying $11 per corkage (per bottle)! They will also require you to have a licensed bartender (ie, not your brother Joe who used to be a waiter) to serve X number of people. So if you have more than say 60 people, then you will have to have 2 bartenders, etc. The facility in this case would most likely use bartenders on staff (how convenient for them) and you would probably pay around $40 per bartender per hour BEFORE you add in all the other expenses, including their tip (usually added in according to the total expense of the alcohol which is tallied up afterwards -- ie, you have NO clue what they will be getting!)

Caterers can be just as costly, however, they will work discounts in based on the number of services they provide (catering, cake cutting, alcohol, etc.) Just read your contract for the fine print and ASK about any misleading info that you are having trouble with.

Hope this helps some!

[juniorgrrl]

For my wedding, most of the catering packages have an added fee for the type of bar you want.

Yes, weddings are expensive. But its possible to do a very grand affair for less than $10K. Which, in the grand wedding scheme, isn't all that much.

A cash bar is a HUGE no-no down here.

FI's parents got an invitation to a wedding (printed on paper quad-folded, like a kiddie birthday party) that included slips for where they were registered...and the wedding was BYOB. How tacky! Nothing says "wedding" than a bottle of liquor in one hand and an "asked for" present in the other.

My mom is making sure that my wedding is painfully proper and by the book. Right down to the receiving line.

ETA: None of the places I've looked at have done the "corkage" bit. It's just been a per head charge for the bar. But for a premium bar, that end up being $30/head PLUS the catering.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by 33girl
The $330 wedding people: I hope that they got some envelopes with Monopoly money in it and tried to spend it. Stupid tacky ass @#$%ers.

Monopoly money is perfect for such tacky people!

It took me a minute to realize what a cash bar is--because I've never been to a SINGLE event (charity ball, wedding, bar mitzvah) that has had one. There is simply no question about it.

On the other hand, we WILL not subsidize the drunkeness of certain family members--something which is a problem. Money is not an issue here, but we will have a champagne toast, and that is it. Neither of us are big drinkers so if you cannot enjoy our wedding without being drunk, then don't come.

The costliest weddings tend to be the tackiest--and tend to commence the shortest marriages. So there.

[AlphaGamDiva]

lol, aurora...preach on with yo' bad self!

yeah, this is def the TACKIEST thing i have ever, ever read in my life.....and the amount!!!! holy GAWD....$330??? are you KIDDING me? crack addicts, must be.....spending their cash flow on drugs instead of the wedding. or they must live in the deepest, darkest, full of pink flamingos double wide on the planet.....honestly. put them kegs in the back of the pick-up, roy, and you can come, too....we'll even waiver your fee if you pour the drinks.....buh!

i mean, telling ppl where you are registered is one thing......i like to see the list of things they need (not necessarily likin it if they put some $500 picture frame on the list, but if ya need a friggin toaster, i'm on it).....but requesting DONATIONS to pay for the wedding is OBSCENE!

forget sending monopoly money....collect call their asses to say, "just needed the donation to call you since i can't afford the phone bill or stamps to tell you HELL NO!"

[SSS1365]

Originally posted by AXO Alum
Not to offend you or your family, but do you really think that handing out little tickets will keep things in check? I am afraid that you would end up with one guy on a scavanger hunt for all the little yellow tickets he could find. And after all, this is YOUR wedding day - not a county fair where x number of tickets will get you on the spinning top looking ride!

What I usually tell my brides is this - If you are truly concerned that things will get out of control, then you either limit the bar as to what is available (no shots for example) or simply limit the alcohol to a champagne pass and toast.

And yes, there will be some under-agers that will be drinking, believe me! It is common for many bartendars to not ID at weddings because so many people (especially women) do not carry those things with them. Plus, there is always that "favorite" cousin who is of legal age that thinks its hilarious to load the 15 year old up! (Think the beginning of the Wedding Singer!) -- actually, if you are concientious with your guest list, then you should know if people are prone to be over-indulgers. Then your wedding coordinator/director or even the head-caterer can be "informed" prior to about the person/people that could potentially cause trouble. Unfortunately, however, receptions are fast-paced and busy - even non-drinkers go to the bar for water or soft drinks -- how are a couple of bartenders supposed to know who is who?

Don't forget also that YOU are liable should someone over-indulge and have an accident (whether on premise, on the way home, or even AT home - check the statutes in your state) -- a bartendar may not know who Uncle George is, but he/she should know when someone has had enough. Make sure that the bartendar is in contact with your wedding coordinator to make sure that anyone who displays drunken behavior is offered a ride home, or a cab ride. My 2 year old cousin was killed (decapitated in fact) by a car full of young women returning home from a wedding reception - all drunk! I am a HUGE advocate of DD's, especially at weddings.

Good luck to you!

Well nothing is concrete yet, it was just an idea. I personally would like to be able to have a drink or two at my reception, and I know my fiance would as well, so just having a champagne toast is out (not to mention I hate champagne and it makes me sick). I mean it would be EXTREMELY tacky if we were drinking but not allowing our guests to. I'd be open to suggestions though... but we want a full bar (probably no shots though) without worrying about people getting wasted. The manager of the restaurant already assured us that his bartenders WILL cut people off, so that will certainly help. I might think about the idea of just having beer and wine. Of course we will still have a champagne toast (where I will just take tiny sips and that will be that). One wedding I went to had open bar until a certain time, and then it was cash bar. What are your thoughts on that?

[JennRN]

Originally posted by sigmagrrl

You'll take my fruit bowl and like it!

HAHAHAHA!!! When I read this I about spit out my coffee-honey, you are outtta control!! But in a good way.

Ok then-I'm getting married in September. When I started planning my reception, I looked at rather expensive places-I'm getting married in Dallas-and for you Dallas people, you know the Petroleum Club, and Brookhollow Country Club?? Ok then-I came back to reality, and decided that I didn't want to bankrupt my parents, myself,my fiance, or his parents!! You can have your dream wedding anywhere!! All that matters is that you and your fiance get married, right?? Isn't that the point of the day?? If you can't afford the Ritz-Carlton, look elsewhere!! Get creative!! Don't get in debt, and dear god in heaven-don't solicit for your wedding!! I am absolutely shocked AND apphalled.

Some people have NO class.

[AXO Alum]

Originally posted by JennRN
All that matters is that you and your fiance get married, right?? Isn't that the point of the day??
Some people have NO class.

SO TRUE! I feel like I have to constantly remind my brides (and grooms) that THIS is the point - to be married! My FAVORITE bride was named Ashley - her wedding was to be an outdoor wedding, however, we had rain all day before and the morning of - when it came time to decide whether or not to move the ceremony indoors, the sun was shining brillantly but the ground was still soaked. I always HATE this part with a bride because she usually is so upset over the weather that she can't concentrate on things that need to be done. So I prepare myself and go into her bridal room and said "Ashley, sweetheart, we need to decide about moving the ceremony - what do you think?" and she looked up at me with this GORGEOUS smile lighting up her face and said so sweetly "As long as by the end of this day, I am Jeff's wife, I really don't care WHERE we have the ceremony" -- it was the SWEETEST thing because you could really tell that she just wanted to be a new Mrs.

Of course not being prepared for such a response I laughed and said "Oh no you don't - I was prepared for you to be freaking out, and you WILL start freaking out now by gosh!" She was just so sweet and even her family (both parents divorced and remarried) was great with each other.

I wish I could have videotaped all of that and shown it to all my future couples - they made it the magical day that it should have been because they knew in the end what was really important!

[bsp-mich24]

Totally Tacky & Cheesy.

[LeslieAGD]

SSS1365, perhaps just opening the bar late, like after dinner when people have food in them, and closing it a few hours before the end of the reception would be a better solution.

[CrimsonTide4]

Originally posted by 33girl
The $330 wedding people: I hope that they got some envelopes with Monopoly money in it and tried to spend it. Stupid tacky ass @#$%ers.

I would send some Monopoly money and tell them I betta get one heck of a wedding souvenir and not just some cheesy ass bubbles, matches, and after dinner mints. I betta have a personal waiter and a FINE MAN to take home and make my personal boy toy.

[MoxieGrrl]

Incident #1: I went to a wedding a couple weeks ago. As the guests made their way to the reception hall, the wedding party got their pictures taken (fine). They decided to drive around in the limo a bit after and indulge in the champagne (fine). There was an open bar at the reception hall with the guests (uh oh). The bridal party thinks that they have the limo for an extra hour, picks up three cases of beer and continues to ride around and drink (oh man). Everyone at the reception hall is sloshed while waiting 3 hours for the wedding party (things are getting wacky at this point). The wedding party walks in and doesn't know their name. (BAD!) The rest of the wedding is handled not as a wedding, but a drunken college bash. (NO!)

Yes, the bride and the groom are young, as were 80% of the guests. Yes, we want to drink, but this was just unacceptable in my book!! To keep people waiting an hour an a half because you want to drink is just unthoughtful, wrong, and tacky. Why did I bother to get them a nice gift if a case of beer would have sufficed?

Incident #2: Mr. Mox and I were trying to decide what to do for the bar situation at our wedding. My dad offered to pay for all of the liquor and said, "Champagne for the wedding party. Beer and whatever kind of liquor you want for the guests. I'll get a friend of mine to bartend." Cool. We decided on vodka (something clear), whiskey (something dark), and peach schnapps (something sweet), plus all of the soda/juice mixers. When we told Mr. Mox's mother, she said, "You aren't having rum? gin? etc...?" We explained to her that we thought what were having was not only enough, but a good selection and what my dad could afford. She rolled her eyes and huffed, "Well, this is just going to be a country, hickish wedding."

?!?!?!?

EXCUSE ME??????

I calmly reiterated that this is what we wanted and could afford. If she or other guests want a bigger variety of liquors, they are more than welcome to go to a bar after the reception.

THE NERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lady Pi Phi]

Originally posted by aurora_borealis
... All I ask is for him to show up on time, make sure he has the right outfit on and it is clean, the rings are there, and he isn't drunk or hungover. I can handle the rest if he doens't want to.

Hahaha, sorry but apparently my dad was hung over for his wedding...so my mum says. His grooms men took him out night the night before and got him plastered.

The wedding is just a big party, if you really want to be married and can't afford a huge part, just go down to city hall. Either way (party no party) you're still married.

My parents got married in a church (it's no longer there though) and they just invited close family and friends. It was a very small wedding. They actually just got a large hotle suite and had a very small reception in there with finger foods and cake. The only problem with that was my parents were also staying in the suite (they didn't have a honeymoon) and some of my dad's friends got too drunk and passed out in their honeymoony suite.


[If all you want is a party just thorw a big part and have everyone come in formal attire, it'll save everyone a lot of grief when you end up in divorce...and if you want presents, make it a birthday party.

My cousin got married and I was in the bridal party. Her parents are very wealthy and so they ended paying for evrything. Her step-mum did all the wedding planning...yet my cousin was an uberbridezilla throughout the whole thing (even though she did nothing but try on wedding gowns and have parties)
The ceremony was outside at their country club and the reception inside at the club. All through the cocktail hour she was smoking in the ladies powder room with her bridesmaids while her new husband was getting wasted with his groomsmen. They finally sat together at dinner, but never once spoke to each other. Then after dinner they did the same thing. Smoking in ladies room and getting plastered outside. All the wedding guests were commenting that they were never together.
The marriage lasted 6 months.
Her parents spent all that money basically for a grandious party.

If you're going to get married, make sure it with the right person.

Wow, long post.

Ok, one more question.

Wedding showers? I have never been to one. I have been to bridal showers. But those are for the bride, and her guests are usually the bridal party and close female friends and family. Gifts are generally given to just the bride and are not meant for the couple.
Is there a difference between and wedding shower and a bridal shower?

[Peaches-n-Cream]

My cousin's parents spent $40,000 on an elegant wedding at their country club in September only for the couple to split in April. This was in 1990. That could have been a down payment on a house or college tuition. The parents were not happy.

[sigmagrrl]

Originally posted by Cream
My cousin's parents spent $40,000 on an elegant wedding at their country club in September only for the couple to split in April. This was in 1990. That could have been a down payment on a house or college tuition. The parents were not happy.

3
Gee, maybe they should have spent $30,000 on therapy, the other $10,000 on the wedding!

I'm a BIG fan of marriage, not a big fan of weddings!

[AGDPrincess70]

Originally posted by Lady Pi Phi

Ok, one more question.

Wedding showers? I have never been to one. I have been to bridal showers. But those are for the bride, and her guests are usually the bridal party and close female friends and family. Gifts are generally given to just the bride and are not meant for the couple.
Is there a difference between and wedding shower and a bridal shower?

I recently heard that a bridal shower is just for the bride and her female friends and family, while a wedding shower is for everyone, groom, groomsmen, etc.

But I can't really see men getting excited about a shower...I don't think that eating finger sandwiches and opening toasters is their thing