Men and Committment

[delph998]

Shelacious, very well said.

[Swamp Thang]

Mostly because it's based on a tenent that's incorrect.

There are plenty of good Black Men out there.. just as there are plenty of good Black Women out there.. ( y'all already know that.. cause chances are you've been in a friends wedding who has a good Man/Woman )...

(2). Men aren't afraid of marriage.. Men are afraid of Divorce...

[phisigsigchic]

Personally I just think its hilarious that this was conducted by a professor at RUTGERS!!! (my school...GO SCARLET KNIGHTS!) HEHEHEHEHE thought that was real funny. and we all know HUMANS are scared of committment. And its all thanks to society and how they make marriage seem like the old ball and chain and that you eventually will get divorced. this is totally not true. my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. my big sisters parents happily married for over 20 years. so some people do beat the odds. its all in how you view it. if you see marriage as that "ball and chain" then yes you will prob end up getting divorced. but if you see and treat marriage as a wonderful next step in life with a person that you love very much and you make a family together, then your def gonna stay happily married thats my opinion anyway.

[Rain Man]

Ladies,

Do you want to know a secret about us men?

Contrary to popular belief, men are NOT, repeat, NOT afraid of committment with a woman. Men are afraid of the CONSEQUENCES that arise from committment (and it isn't that he has to be a one-woman man, either).

Simply put, a lot of men will not commit to a woman because oftentimes, by doing so would be to his detriment. The woman gets all of the benefits, while he gets all of the responsibilities and obligations. The risks are also very high for him, as he stands to lose all he has worked for. Everything.

The reason for this?

Feminism.





(or rather, feminism gone awry).

More later if you're interested.

[James]

Some random thoughts as an unreformed male.

A man I know walked up to me the other day and said: If you knew that 60 percent of all airline flights crashed . .would you fly?

I answered: no. Then he said, why would you get married?

And he is right. Also with a guy . . 60 percent of marriages fail and there is an enormous economic cost for the male.

That 60 percent statistic may be generous also because it includes a whole generation that didn't much divorce.

Some of the men i know that have divorced have lost 75 percent of their assets. Thats an expensive committment.

Playing the Devil's Advocate: Why should men want to do that? When we can live with you and treat you with love and affection as long as both parties are loving and affectionate?

A legal relationship like marriage only really kicks in when one or more parties no longer wants to be with the other one but stays anyway because of the marriage committment.

Seriously, religious considerations aside: Why should a man want to marry a women he loves when he already has a great relationship with her . . . after all as long as they love and adore each other they will want to be together.

And why should either party want to keep the other one in a relationship that person no longer wishes to be in?

[9dstpm]

Originally posted by James
Some random thoughts as an unreformed male.

A man I know walked up to me the other day and said: If you knew that 60 percent of all airline flights crashed . .would you fly?

I answered: no. Then he said, why would you get married?

And he is right. Also with a guy . . 60 percent of marriages fail and there is an enormous economic cost for the male.

That 60 percent statistic may be generous also because it includes a whole generation that didn't much divorce.

Some of the men i know that have divorced have lost 75 percent of their assets. Thats an expensive committment.

OK, first of all: WHAT enormous economic cost? A very close friend and former professor of mine once told me that when a couple with children divorces, the wife becomes a single mother and the husband becomes a bachelor. Case in point: I just got divorced and my ex has a spanking brand new car while I drive the 10 yr old station wagon. He can go away every weekend that he's not working while I have to plan my getaways months in advance. His income is practically disposable while I'm paying ALL of the bills and going without things I want or having to put them on layaway!! Oh and did I mention that he's still on my health, dental, and vision insurance until I leave my job on Wednesday due to some screwed up paperwork? I mean, yeah, I'm about to move to FL and into a much better paying job and such but this nucca is COSTING me $$!! Not to mention that when were married, he got all the benefits while I worked my ass off!! So squash that!!

I've been married and divorced TWICE and you know what? I'd LOVE to get married again, but not for another 3-5 years!! I'm having a great time dating and just seeing what's out there. But to tell the truth and shame the devil, my heart belongs to my boo. Always has, always will. Oh I loved both of my ex hubbies in their own way, but I love my boo the best. Now, we've talked about the committment thing. And he IS scared. Not of committing to me by the way, but he's scared of failure. His parents are divorced, I've been divorced so I understand his fear and he's working on it. To further tell the truth, I'd be glad to live with him and his kids. I don't have to marry him. I mean, we've loved each other (near and afar) for the better part of 18 years. If we get married, good. If we don't, oh well. We make each other happy. Even when we're arguing over the price of a Ford Focus on The Price Is Right, we're happy.

[southernelle25]

To respond, in part, to Rain Man, I believe commitment imposes enormous responsibilities on both parties. It also offers tremendous benefits. Unfortunately, the divorce rate is sky high because, IMO, women get married with only the the benefits in mind and men are simply NOT READY for the responsibilities and obligations.

I don't know whether the ultimate problem is immaturity or lack of understanding and communication, but I think it has less to do with feminism and more to do with this culture of entitlement. Marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness, and those are unfamiliar terms in modern society.

[SummerChild]

I agree. I think that the prevalence of divorce is closely related to the me, me, me attitude that is prevalent in our society to an extent that it probably has never been before. I read in a book that if you want to get married to enrich your own life to not get married - but if you want to get married to enrich the life of your partner, then get married. In other words, if you are getting married to come up, don't do it.

I think that there is also a lack of seriousness re the vows that are generally taken. I think that some people think that for better or worse until death do you part means until you have gotten on my last nerves. If that's the case, why not just re-write the vows and say what you really mean (or intend to do). I'm sure that I'm archaic in this regard but I have the feeling that for me if I marry, unless it is life threatening (ex: like if he is kicking my butt), then we need to work it out. I'm archaic but I think that the fact that many people probably think that they should divorce if they are being greatly inconvenienced is probably a reason why it is so prevalent.

Also, I think that it may be prevalent because it seems like some people are way too concerned about how a man (or woman) looks on paper than what the core qualities of that person are - and they just don't pay attention. Many people that are arrogant fools or irresponsible with money or liars/cheaters or hotheaded were that way before the ring went on. We just choose to see what we want to see b/c how are we going to pass up this college educated black man or this woman who can be your trophy wife? Then when we find out that our ideas about how to manage money are irreconciable, then we are all surprised. Uh hello, spend more time thinking about the core personality characteristics of that person, and how they conduct themselves in various situations, than how many degrees he has. I think that there is someone for everyone - I just think that some chose those that are not for them but b/c it's convenient and our biological clocks are ticking, we roll with it.

SC

Originally posted by southernelle25


To respond, in part, to Rain Man, I believe commitment imposes enormous responsibilities on both parties. It also offers tremendous benefits. Unfortunately, the divorce rate is sky high because, IMO, women get married with only the the benefits in mind and men are simply NOT READY for the responsibilities and obligations.

I don't know whether the ultimate problem is immaturity or lack of understanding and communication, but I think it has less to do with feminism and more to do with this culture of entitlement. Marriage requires sacrifice and selflessness, and those are unfamiliar terms in modern society.

[Honeykiss1974]

Let me start off by saying that my view on love/marriage is based on a religious/Christian POV.

Everyone's talked a lot about marriage and how large of a commitment it is - which is all true. However, on a more personal level, we should really be examining the qualities or requirements/standards that we have set for "future mate". For example, are you looking for a man/woman that is rich, handsome, body like Beyonce/Usher? Or you looking for a hardworking man/woman that is romantic, has a sense of humor, and loves family more than anything?

The bible tells us the "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31 29-30). (now this can apply to a man too). I firmly believe that when you are raptured by physical/outside qualities of a person and base your mate selection on that, then you are building a house on sand as opposed to a rock. I've seen SO MANY people use the wrong criteria for determining whether or not someone is mate material and then wonder why things didn't work out (divorce).

For example, in Proverns 31, at no point in the chapter is a physical description of the woman's appearance is given - but yet all the traits and qualities about this kind of woman is what a man should look for in a wife. These are qualities that do not go out style, but qualities that when the going get's tough, these attributes will help the couple weather the storm.

I'm not saying its wrong to be attracted to your mate (which is a whole 'nother subject), but it takes more for a marriage to last that a nice booty in a mini skirt or for the ladies, a 6 pack in a wifebeater.

[Rain Man]

Two of the many sources for my assertion that feminism is hurting men wanting to get committed to a relationship:



Marriage: Just Say No

Dont Marry.com

[SummerChild]

Rain Man, I only looked at the first link but it is absolutely ridiculous. As I said, if people would just take the time to get to know who they are dealing with then many of the author's points would not be an issue. It seems to me that the author (and other men who believe that garbage) need to re-evaluate their selection of women. The whoa-is-me-no-woman-is-going-to-treat-me-right line of thinking is tired.

SC

Originally posted by Rain Man
Two of the many sources for my assertion that feminism is hurting men wanting to get committed to a relationship:



Marriage: Just Say No

Dont Marry.com

[soulfulremix]

Originally posted by southernelle25

[starang21]

Originally posted by Rain Man
Two of the many sources for my assertion that feminism is hurting men wanting to get committed to a relationship:



Marriage: Just Say No

Dont Marry.com

dude is kinda paranoid, but he raises some good points.

but seems like a cat who probably couldn't handle a woman who was more successful than him.

[starang21]

chivalry is dead.

and women killed it.

LOL.

[AKA2D '91]

Originally posted by starang21
chivalry is dead.

and women killed it.

LOL.

Ladies, don't believe the hype! It's alive and well!