Weight an issue . . .

[aprilxo]

Originally posted by James

2. She is usually trying to get thinner so telling her she is too thin is actually validating her eating system!!

A better approach might be teling her she looks unhealthy and unattractive because of a lack of muscle tone. And then leading the conversation from there.

She is usually trying to get thinner? It's not like every skinny person has an eating disorder. I know many a skinny/scrawny girl who has no problem putting away large meals. My cousin actually eats the fat on steak, pork chops, etc, because her metabolism is so fast--she TRIES to include all the fat and calories that she can. And if she didn't do that, I'm sure she'd look underweight. She looks good as-is, packing away every morsel possible.

And yeah--telling someone they look unattractive in any way is a HORRIBLE and CRUEL thing to do. If it was an eating disorder, they already have low self-esteem/poor body image. The LAST thing you want to do is reinforce THAT. On the other hand, don't tell them they're looking good either--because to them, that means they're gaining weight and no matter what it LOOKS like, it's all about the MENTAL thing that weight is bad... we just went over all this psychological stuff of eating disorders in my adolescent psych class, so I can attest from the interviews and things we saw in there that I would 150% agree with anyone on here who has already stated that it'd be treading thin ice to make any kind of comment...

[alphaiota]

james,
you are right. being underweight is just as much of an issue as being overweight. and it is just as counter productive to tell them they are too thin. both are serious health factors.
i agree with the other posts though, terrible idea to tell someone, anyone they are too thin or too heavy. and as for "This is about what's in your mind, not what's on your thighs," i couldn't have said it better. this is true especially for people, not just women but mainly women, dealing with the underweight issue.
i'm sure you are a very intelligent and wonderful guy, james, but understand that telling any woman they look too fat or too skinny is only going to get you put in the dog house fast. might even get you smacked across the face. and i know you're just trying to help. my brother is very much the same way. he and his wife both lost a lot of weight by living by some book they read. he's very concerned about me and my parent's and want us to get this book so we can start losing weight and feeling good. but sometimes he goes about telling us that in a very bad way. but deep down we know he's just trying to help and that he loves us. so i think it would be best to learn how to help/tell someone they need to gain/lose weight. i understand your heart is in the right place, but be a little more diplomatic in your approach.

shelley j
sigma k

[AXOLiz]

Originally posted by James
A better approach might be teling her she looks unhealthy and unattractive because of a lack of muscle tone. And then leading the conversation from there.

No offense, but for lack of a more tactful response at this time, if you said that to me, I'd kick you in the junk.

People have enough body image issues as it is. Throwing your two cents in, especially in that way, will NOT help, nor will it prompt them to lose weight. Chances are, you'll be one more person on the list of people who have written them off because they're fat. And writing it off as an exercise/muscle tone thing isn't a better way of saying, "You need to get off your ass and work out," especially because it isn't necessarily true. I know some people who are heavier than I am that are in way better cardiovascular shape. I know some very skinny girls who couldn't run down the block to save their lives without collapsing. I was 70 pounds overweight and could still do the splits and walk in heels better than any of my sisters because of years of ballet.

I lost 70 pounds so far, and while I still have about 25 or so more to knock off, if someone told me, in my current size 10 state, that I was unattractive because of a "lack of muscle tone," or whatever, they would feel my full wrath in a heartbeat. Losing weight was one of the hardest things I ever did, but when I did it, I did it for myself. By losing weight, I've helped inspire some people to do the same. One of my sisters is morbidly obese, and when I'd go to work out, I'd ask everyone if they wanted to come along, including her. I knew how embarrassed I was when I started, and how important it was to have someone there with me in support, so I offered her the same, and eventually she took me up on the offer. If anyone asks me for advice, I'll give it to them, but not unless they ask first.

You don't know what's causing someone to look the way they do. There could be serious emotional or health problems at the root of it. Even if it's not serious, there's got to be some reason people are overweight (or underweight), since no one WISHES they were too heavy or that they'd get an eating disorder. When someone who's supposed to be a friend goes and "helps," they need to seriously consider they kind of damage they can possibly be doing to an already fragile self-image. Now, if someone's asking for help or pays you to help them, they've already taken that first step. Then, I think, you can be upfront with them (although I'd never suggest telling someone, "You'd look SOOO much better if you did XYZ...").

Obviously, since I joined a sorority, not all of them care about your weight. However, those chapters do run the risk of being the "unattractive" chapter. Sometimes that doesn't matter, but other times, it can hurt numbers. From my experience though, every chapter gets some sort of bad rep for some dumb reason, so rush with an open mind and you'll hopefully find the place that's right for you.

[ZetaLuvBunny]

Ok, I realise this thread is quite old & has been brought back several times, but I found it while randomly searching for something else, so here goes (long post)...

Weight is DEFINITELY an issue in sororities, whether we like it or not. It may not be what we really want to look for in a sister, but in effect, we want sisters who we are comfortable with representing us, therefore people are sometimes discriminated against when they are have an undesireable weight or look. It is an issue for ALL females, even a woman who is perfectly happy with her own weight (and very few are) has to deal with other women every day who are NOT, so in esscense, it effects EVERYONE.

As a few people have stated, talking to a girl with an eating disorder, reguardless of her weight can be VERY tricky (yes, there are "normal" sized girls who have eating disorders that no one is aware of.) Unfortunately, (or is it fortunately?) I know this from first-hand experience...

...When people notice that I've lost weight, especially if it's another female (the competitive thing), I completely relish it & it makes me want to lose even more weight. When I am questioned ("why aren't you eating?") or criticised ("you need to eat more!"), it only makes me want to eat less. To eating disordered people, all of these type of comments are twisted around in our minds to sound more like, "You're still too fat, you need to lose more."

This is the perspective that today's society has impounded into so many girls' minds. Some people have NO IDEA what can trigger an eating disordered girl into making herself even worse. And just like compulsive overeaters, bulimics and anorexics KNOW that what they are doing is unhealthy, but it doesn't phase them, because the ultimate goal is "perfection", and they are willing to pay nearly any price for that.

So many different factors account for causing these disorders, but getting down to the real issues is what might ultimately help, if anything (i.e. speaking to a professional). We want so desperately to draw attention to our problems so that others will seem worried (since this ends up being positive reinforcement to a continued downward spiral), yet we don't want to actually get well. It's really very ironic; a rather Catch-22.

The best advice I can offer for someone who has a sorority sister, friend, or loved one with an eating disorder (here I go again, giving advice yet not listening to my own advice) is to talk to her about anything EXCEPT weight and food (school, home, relationships, work, etc), and try to clue into anything negative said, and perhaps you might dig up some roots.

I know what you're thinking- "she's crazy". You're probably right.

[Kevin]

I was actually cautioned by someone either from HQ or the housing corporation about looking at buying old sorority houses. They say that more often than not they have plumbing issues (serious ones) due to all the vomit (from girls with eating disorders) that has passed through the plumbing, eating holes and weaking the pipes. Apparently this is something that is NOT uncommon in sorority houses...

If this is something that we had to be cautioned about.. It MUST be a serious problem. You can really see it during sorority recruitment also... Every houses girls tend to have a certain look.. while their personalities are completely different.

[ZetaLuvBunny]

We don't have sorority houses at my school (yet), so that's another reason why things like this have gone unnoticed by sisters. Although many of my sisters room together in dorms, apartments, or small houses, they are in small numbers, and the rest of us live with other random people because we found places to rent through the student newspaper. There are very few of my sisters that I suspect could have a mild eating disorder, but if there are others they are hiding it well.

I'm sure there are LOTS of girls in EVERY sorority with EDs, because statistically 1 out of 4 college women has some type of disordered eating habits, even if not severe. The statistic is even more likely for women in dorms or community-style housing (such as sorority houses), because a woman living in one of those situations feels the need to judge herself against all the other woman morning, noon, & night of every day.

Most of the sororities on my campus have anywhere from 80-some to 120-some members, so according to that statistic, more than 20 to 30 girls in each sorority has eating issues. Multiply the lesser number by 7 (the # of sororities at MTSU), and you have approx. 140+- females in the GREEK community ALONE who have eating issues. That's enough girls to fill an entire LARGE sorority! Eating disordered people are very good at hiding it, too, but "we" can usually spot one another out of a crowd since we're familar with similar "tricks-of-the-trade" so-to-speak. They tend to be young (12-24), well-educated, upper-middle class women.

Sorry for my boring statistics, but when you live with something every day, you know a lot about it.

[Serenity]

ZetaLuvBunny, thanks for sharing that. I don't think you're crazy at all. I only hope that one day you can reach a point where you can be completely happy with the way you look and don't try to change it.

To address something you said in your posts:

One of the hardest things to do in life is to take our own advice. It is easier to for us to see the beauty, faults, shortcomings, etc. in others than it is for us to see in ourselves. But, it can be done.

This may sound cheesy but... I want you to get better...

[carnation]

Originally posted by ktsnake
I was actually cautioned by someone either from HQ or the housing corporation about looking at buying old sorority houses. They say that more often than not they have plumbing issues (serious ones) due to all the vomit (from girls with eating disorders) that has passed through the plumbing, eating holes and weaking the pipes. Apparently this is something that is NOT uncommon in sorority houses...

If vomit corrodes pipes, then I guess the physical plant should worry not only about sorority housing but also fraternity housing and dorms, etc--y'know, all those drunk and hungover people throwing up. Plus I guess I'd be careful about buying an off-campus house that students have rented!

I knew 1 bulimic woman in college. I knew tons of guys who barfed their guts out in the dorm and fraternity bathrooms night after night.

[Dionysus]

Originally posted by carnation


If vomit corrodes pipes, then I guess the physical plant should worry not only about sorority housing but also fraternity housing and dorms, etc--y'know, all those drunk and hungover people throwing up. Plus I guess I'd be careful about buying an off-campus house that students have rented!

I knew 1 bulimic woman in college. I knew tons of guys who barfed their guts out in the dorm and fraternity bathrooms night after night.

Yuck yuck yuck carnation!

I don't think I ever want to live w/ other students or young people, after reading these recent threads and hearing stories from real life.

I can't handle vomit. Next to death, lol.

[ZetaLuvBunny]

Originally posted by carnation
y'know, all those drunk and hungover people throwing up. Plus I guess I'd be careful about buying an off-campus house that students have rented!

I've seen guys do the drunk-puke thing waaay too many times. Last year I was hanging out with some friends on the guys' floor of a dorm, and one of the guys just kept chugging beers even after we told him repeatedly to stop, because he was already trashed & stumbling everywhere. Later I had to use the bathroom, and I found him half in a stall passed out with his face on the floor next to the toilet, puke everywhere, and a beer bottle still in one hand. I was worried that he might have alcohol poisoning or even be dead, but I didn't wanna touch him, so I told his buddies to go check on him. Luckilly he was alright, but the jackass never thanked me for getting his friends to check his pulse.

[ZetaLuvBunny]

Originally posted by Serenity
This may sound cheesy but... I want you to get better...

I appreciate your thoughts.

[MoxieGrrl]

Bulimic vomit tends to cause more corrosion because sometimes there isn't a lot of food in the stomach. A lot of it ends up being stomach acid. Another scary form of bulimia that is harder to pin down are those people that eat, then work out like maniacs. I mean, you can tell someone, "You are working out too much," and they usually have a pretty good counterargument that makes it hard to say they are being unhealthy wiht it. Luckily, with sorority sisters, we tend to know the other sisters' moves a lot more than random friends' habits.

ZetaLuvBunny: I completely agree with what you said a few posts back. When people make comments, either positive or negative, it only spurs on the disordered eating. Girls would ask me how I lost so much weight, and I would feel wonderful, like I had some kind of special talent. Other people would say they were concerned, and I would act like they are stupid, but secretly feel like I pulled one over on them. When other people took the tough love/aggressive approach, I would think they are just jealous and being an Oprah-psychologist. All of the attention made me feel like a martyr.

Also, I do not think it is sororities themselves that make EDs in them an issue. I just think it is the close proximity we have with each other that makes them seem more prominent. If a woman is sometimes likely to succumb to peer pressure, being around a girl that eats nearly nothing can make her feel uncomfortable. Or looking up to an older sister who has disordered eating habits might make a woman feel like, "This is the way to go."

[ZetaLuvBunny]

MOXIEGIRL-
I totally agree on the point about ED occurances in sororities. They are much more noticeable in sororities than just a group of friends, I think, because we have sooo many events we go to with one another, even if we don't have a chapter house where we all live together. In my chapter, and I'm sure many others, we often go out to eat after nearly every weekly meeting, as well as for sisters' birthdays, etc, as well as eating together during retreats, mixers, etc.

This definitely can cause an silent competition between sisters, because as females we are always judging ourselves against others' size, shape, beauty, and eating habits. Sorority women are much more likely to experience these things 10-fold, because they spend so much more time with such a large group of females than most non-Greeks do. Also, we compare ourselves to girls in other sororities. We not only compare ourselves to "thinner" girls, but to larger girls as well. We think, "am I thinner than her?", "will I end up like her?". No matter how thin or how fat we feel, there are always people who are thinner and fatter.

I'm glad (in a sad kinda way) that someone on here has had a similar experience to me. I, too, have have had to stumble to make up something in reply to the, "Have you lost weight?", "How did you lose so much weight?", "Are you on a diet or something?" etc, from my sisters and others. I'll usually go, "uh uh...I just cut out fattening stuff", or "I'm actually exersizing now", etc, when really I'm only eating 500 or less calories a day most of the time on top of some exersizing, and lying, "I already ate, but I'll go sit with you at the restaurant and get a diet Pepsi".

My sisters are starting to notice more, but I'm sure they don't think it's anything serious. One day at a Mexican restaurant one of my sisters said, "You never eat!" and I said "Yes I do!" and she said "If you don't eat, I'm gonna be mad." But I lied about an upset stomach & said I'd just get a soda & munch on some chips. It hurts me to decieve my sisters about that, but as with anyone, we all have secrets that we keep completely to ourselves and don't even tell our closest friends or family.

[MoxieGrrl]

This totally does not stick with the original thread topic, but what does everyone out there think of those "pro-ana" websites?

[James]

Could you be a little more specific sweetie?

Originally posted by MoxieGrrl
This totally does not stick with the original thread topic, but what does everyone out there think of those "pro-ana" websites?