What Not to Say to a Released PNM

[AOIIalum]

Originally posted by carnation
Sometimes I think it hasn't gotten any better. Many girls who are RCs have told me that they weren't doing it to help PNMs, that they just wanted to get out of rushing. Most of the PNMs I know who got few or no invites heard nothing from their RCs and were just left to their own devices. This includes some who had paid for meals during rush and were too torn up to even go to meals with the successful PNMs so they just sat in their dorm rooms and ate snacks out of machines and cried for days. Several of them ended up becoming confirmed Greek haters.

This just infuriates me. Some chapters (and definitely some alums) don't want to hear it, but ideally you would put up some of your BEST and most experienced rushers up as RCs. Like it or not, PNMs do figure out what chapters the RCs are in, and you want to have some of your "best and brightest" representing your sorority as RCs.

If you are even thinking about applying to be a RC because you don't want to rush, or you're shy and the thought of rushing scares you, or you hate your sorority and want an approved excuse to stay away, or whatever then DON'T. Seriously.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally posted by carnation
.This includes some who had paid for meals during rush and were too torn up to even go to meals with the successful PNMs so they just sat in their dorm rooms and ate snacks out of machines and cried for days.

This is really sad.

[queen18]

I have to vouch for the UF pi chis who have beeen great in giving all of the girls a chance to talk to them and ask questions after PNMs get their invites back. We haven't made it to Bid Day but so far they've been very supportive and reassuring to those who didn't get the maximum number of invites back.

[33girl]

Originally posted by BetaRose
This is one of the reasons I think its a bad idea to open the halls early for PNMs. If you open them for everyone at that time, there are going to be other people around so that the released PNM has other people around to either socialize with or keep the PNM from feeling isolated.

I have to agree. I know how hard it was for some people who didn't get bids when they had a whole support system of friends around. I can't imagine being in a dorm and the only person on your wing who didn't get a bid - and for some girls, it being their first time away from home on top of it.

[aephi alum]

It's tough to tell someone they've been rejected. I wish the PXs at my school had received some training/advice/insight into sharing such difficult news. As a PNM, I watched a fellow PNM leave bawling her eyes out after our PX told her, "You didn't get any pref invites, NEXT!" As a PX, I swore I would not be so callous. I did have to tell a couple of PNMs that they'd been released, and I let them know about the possibility of COB (a very good possibility at my school). Fortunately they were ok with being released, and there was so much else going on during FR that they had plenty to do and didn't end up sulking in their dorms.

Do let them know the situation right away: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you did not receive any invitations / a bid". Let them know what their options are. Be honest about the possibility of COB - tell them if it's a realistic option or not. Same for the option of going through FR again next year - if class standing will work against them, be honest about it.

Don't say, "oh, there are lots of other activities you can get involved in." The PNM came to FR to try to join a social sorority, not student government or a service organization or the swim team.

And for heaven's sake, don't say "there's always AI" !

[KSUViolet06]

I actually asked one of my sisters today (a former recruitment counselor) if they had any training dealing with released women. She said they were told to apologize, tell the woman that they "weren't placed anywhere this round/weren't placed this year." and suggest that they participate in fall COR (alot of chapters have COR right after formal if they made quota, but are still under total) or spring COR (we all have it due to seniors graduating). These are both real possibilities here.

She did mention that even though they dealt with it somewhat during training, they honestly just sort of skimmed it just because no one ever thinks it will happen. So the recruitment counselors who DO end up with the bidless rushee really are stunned and honestly sorry for the girl and at a loss for words.

[Rollergirl2001]

Originally posted by carnation
I think a lot of it is that first, recruitment counselors are young and they don't know what to say, possibly thinking that they themselves never would've been in that situation. Yet I've seen new members queening it around campus in their new and prominent letters, never knowing that several of us in PH know that they were one space on the bid list away from not getting in.

Also, I think they get very spotty training on how to deal with rush problems. When I rushed, another PNM asked the RC what happened if a girl didn't get the maximum number of invites for that day. She sat there speechless and told it it wouldn't happen. Of course it did the next day and a couple of girls got no invites to the next parties.

Sometimes I think it hasn't gotten any better. Many girls who are RCs have told me that they weren't doing it to help PNMs, that they just wanted to get out of rushing. Most of the PNMs I know who got few or no invites heard nothing from their RCs and were just left to their own devices. This includes some who had paid for meals during rush and were too torn up to even go to meals with the successful PNMs so they just sat in their dorm rooms and ate snacks out of machines and cried for days. Several of them ended up becoming confirmed Greek haters.

And become goths or girls that do something drastic that will definetly kill their self esteem like changing their image to a Britney Spears wannabe.

Now, PNMs would feel sadness and then rage and then jealousy after being rejected. And if her roommate got a bid, the PNM wouldn't want to talk to her and/or move to another room with a non-Greek person.

NOTE TO PNMS: Just because you got cut, doesn't mean you have to change. Your self esteem and your chances of getting a bid will be damaged more if you change your image drastically into something your not.

[LionTamer]

On a less-serious note, don't say to a PNM what one inebriated rush counselor said to me at a party:

"Oh, you're the girl the DGs cut because you were dating XX's boyfriend! You were the only one they cut after first rounds!"

Fortunately, I was already well aware why I was cut, just wasn't aware that all the rush counselors knew about it!

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by BetaRose
This is one of the reasons I think its a bad idea to open the halls early for PNMs. If you open them for everyone at that time, there are going to be other people around so that the released PNM has other people around to either socialize with or keep the PNM from feeling isolated.

Are there really schools that open the dorms early ONLY to girls going through rush???? Is that legal?

At my school, the dorms opened to everyone on a certain date... And that date was the weekend before rush. Perfect timing as far as I am concerned. But, I've never heard of only letting girls going through rush move in on that day. They should open it to everyone. I'm sorry but that's dumb.

[BBelleADPi]

I would like to add my two cents worth to this discussion. If I were a young girl that had been cut from rush, I believe I'd want my "mama!" And by that I mean an older alum that would comfort me as well as give advice. I believe I saw a very good suggestion here on Greekchat that bears merit. It was to have one or two alumnae women delegated from each sorority on campus who would be "on call" during rush week. These women would be required to attend a few meetings prior to recruitment that would help them acquire the skills needed during rush week. They would be advised what to say and not to say, how to comfort, and would know the specific facts of COB, snap bidding, etc., on their campus. The sorority Rho Chis would also be available, of course, but I would love to know that there would be several adult women who would love on my baby girl and make sure she had gotten in touch with her family. wasn't alone in the dorm, etc. We all KNOW that cuts take place, that girls are hurt and crushed, yet we provide no outlet to take care of it. How responsible is that? The parties start on time, music is cued, invitations to parties are matched carefully, yet we leave the precious girls who are cut from the socialization process to fend for themselves. How "educated" is that? I feel this concern needs to be given serious thought by the powers that be on national sorority levels, and if not that, than at least by each individual college campus. It doesn't have to be a big PR type thing, but some type of system could, and should, be quietly set in place.

[aephi alum]

Lindz -- there are a few schools that do that. PNMs get to move in a few days early for rush and/or they are all temporarily placed in the same dorm during formal recruitment. So a PNM who's been dropped by all sororities has to spend the following day(s) surrounded by PNMs who are still rushing. Everyone else is getting prettied up for prefs, and she's got nowhere to go...

I much prefer the system we had at my school, where PNMs and other freshmen were sprinkled all over campus, mixed in with members of the other three classes, and there were plenty of other things going on during FR, so that a PNM who'd been released had other things to do if she felt like it, rather than having no choice but to mope in her room.

[tunatartare]

Cornell has formal recruitment in the winter but recruitment is the week before classes start so PNM's move in early then. One of my guy friends there one year signed up for rush just so he'd be able to move back into school a week early and party with his friends.

[SigK_Bama]

Originally posted by Lindz928
Are there really schools that open the dorms early ONLY to girls going through rush???? Is that legal?

My school did that when I rushed. All the girls were crammed into one dorm on a few floors and none of the other dorms opened until after Bid Day. Of couse, for most of the girls who left rush early, they lived near by so they just went back home for the remainder of the week until all the dorms were opened. But my rush roommate ended up getting cut from every chapter before Pref Night and was actually in our room, face down on her bed and probaby crying, while I got dressed for Pref. She was miserable.

There is a happy ending, though. She was snap bidded on Bid Day by SK, and we became pledge sisters, roommates again two years later, and she's still one of my best friends

[honeychile]

I agree with BBelle. There was a situation (while my chapter wasthisclose to recolonizing) when our Traveling Collegiate Consultant was the one who ended up comforting a cut PNM! I think having trained alumnae would be a great idea!

[tunatartare]

Originally posted by honeychile
I agree with BBelle. There was a situation (while my chapter wasthisclose to recolonizing) when our Traveling Collegiate Consultant was the one who ended up comforting a cut PNM! I think having trained alumnae would be a great idea!

If you do that, I think that the alumnae should be not from sororities that are on that campus. For example if you have ADPi, DZ, Theta, and Pi Phi on that campus, get like a ZTA from the local panhel to do that. If a girl really had her heart set on say, ADPi, and got cut, she would probably feel better talking about it to a neutral third party that understood the process than to an alumna of the sorority that cut her.