Boyfriend Question (please help)

[honeychile]

Run. Run fast. Run hard. Run for your life!

Every state has different laws concerning a restraining order. The iced tea incident would get you one in PA. Verbal threats, with the following vandalism/theft, would get you one in other states.

Take some time THE MINUTE YOU WAKE UP and call Legal Services for your town, and ask them what it takes. Here, you see Legal Services, then every woman who is able to get an order is told to meet at certain place, and escorted by deputies to a private room to get your order together. It's a great set up, and I hope it is for you, too.

Remember that the Restraining Order (Protect From Abuse, etc) is a piece of paper, so you also need to be more viligant about your surroundings.

You are not a person to this man, you are a possession. That's not going to change until he gets into major, full-time therapy. He probably feels that his need to possess you is love, but it's sick, sick emotion. Hopefully, he will be a chicken, deep down inside, and leave you alone - but don't count on it.

I'm talking from experience, and from learning more about my years in hell. May you find joy, peace, and real love in any future relationship you have.

[honeychile]

Sorry about the double post, but think about it: does he have ANYTHING of yours that is worth your life? It's much more fulfilling to be a financially stretched survivor than him returning your stuff to your parents at a funeral.

I know I sound morbid, but every physical abuser starts as an emotional abuser. You do NOT deserve that!

[luvdrunk]

So I forgot to block him on g-talk and left myself signed on he said things that I'm glad I wasn't "with him" to read things where he called me a whore, said I deserve to have the crud (put nicer) beaten out of me, my personal fav... "dumb broad" then as a last plea he asked me to marry him. YEAH RIGHT. He is making it too easy to start getting over him. I'm grateful.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

So I forgot to block him on g-talk and left myself signed on he said things that I'm glad I wasn't "with him" to read things where he called me a whore, said I deserve to have the crud (put nicer) beaten out of me, my personal fav... "dumb broad" then as a last plea he asked me to marry him. YEAH RIGHT. He is making it too easy to start getting over him. I'm grateful.

I'm with honeychile. Stay the hell away from him and make sure he doesn't have access to your apartment/keys/car/etc. At least call someone and explore your legal options, if you can't figure out who else to call contact a women's shelter/domestic violence center and they should have contact info or someone you can talk to right there.

Protect yourself first and foremost.

[AGDee]

Do you have a log of that? I believe that could be useful evidence to get a restraining order.

I married a guy like this. Trust me when I say BE GLAD that he is gone. It is not fun to secretly move out, be afraid that he will find out where you live, etc. My counselor at the time told me that the most dangerous time is when you break up with him so we took several steps to protect me through that time. DO listen to people above who suggest you seek legal advice now. If you don't know how to find that advice, call a local domestic violence shelter. They will know who you should contact.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

Do you recommend I get an order (it called something else in my state IDK what) in my home city/county or the one I go to college in (where he's at), or does it matter?

Get one where you're at right now -- probably easier to get your parents to foot the bill, then when you go back to school get one there too. It'll probably be easier to get one in the other state when you already have one granted back home.

That's ideal, but you're going to run into some difficulty getting him served if he's not in your state. This is something you probably ought to talk to a lawyer about. In Oklahoma, we call these things Victims' Protection Orders (VPOs). Here, it's as simple as going to the courthouse, filling out a form, having an ex parte hearing in front of the judge (that means your ex doesn't have to be present) and having them served by the sheriff, then having a hearing later to determine whether there's good reason to keep the order around and what kind it should be (in some cases, the VPO means the sheriff confiscates your guns).

I can't advise you as to how this works where you're at. If there's a YWCA in your area, they could probably tell you what you need to do.

[MaggieXi]

Stuff is just stuff. Even if it is expensive, it can be replaced. You can not be and your emotional well-being can't be either. Why put yourself through more communication with him to get "stuff" back?

If it is absolutely imperative that you get things back - have your third party and a friend (no one should go in alone with this guy) go in with a list and get the items and leave. Have the third party store the in a neutral place for a few days, that way your ex can't follow the third party with the intention of confronting you there. (Can you tell I've done this before?)

Also, be sure to protect your credit right now. I was in a abusive-controlling relationship and after I left, he opened up a bunch of credit cards using my SSN taken off personal docs that he had gotten his hands on while we were together. By the time that was figured out, Chase Bank, was not happy with him.

[AZTheta]

Congratulations, luvdrunk, on taking the first step toward reclaiming your life. Give time time now, and get comfortable in your own skin. You have work to do, and I promise you it will be worthwhile.

I had to obtain restraining orders/orders of protection in THREE states. It was not impossible but it was challenging and I had to be very strong and state the facts (no drama, no story), along with all the supporting evidence, three times, to three separate legal systems, and I had to answer many questions which kept the situation "alive", but I accomplished the legal goal. There is much more to the story but I do not discuss it because it is in the past and that is where it will stay. I cannot say for certain that it is over, I will never let my guard down; but I can say that it seems to have stopped.

Please read deBecker's book. He has a website also, but the book is invaluable, not just for your situation, but for life. There are many professionals and experts who will assist you on your journey. Again, the mindset you are dealing with is not one that is understandable or reasonable.

As for your possessions, I'm going to say something that you might not want to hear: They are just things and can be replaced. Your life cannot.

[CopterDad]

I admire all of the ladies on this board that have opened up their past in order to help you.

That you felt the need to create a sock puppet to hide your regular screen name, not so much.

Now, take the advice and fix yourself. Like I and others have said, get legal advice on this one.

[BluPhire]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

I left some things in his care before moving out (a few clothes, some cheap jewelry), he threatened to throw them away. Right now I'm trying to deal through a neutral third party who will set up the meeting time with him without my knowledge and same with me. Is there anyway I can get my stuff back (legal-wise)? It's no big deal if I can't, but it's a few more price-y items I don't want to re-purchase.

Thanks again y'all

LD

Welcome to what I call the common law divorce.

It goes like this, when you break up, whatever you left behind is just lost.

Is it possible to get it back...in a good breakup yes.

But in your situation, I would just charge it to the game and keep it moving. That stuff is not worth it, easily replaceable.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by CopterDad

That you felt the need to create a sock puppet to hide your regular screen name, not so much.

I'm sorry, CopterDad, but I must say that I understand totally and completely why this poster thought a sock puppet necessary in this situation. Unless you have walked in those shoes, which I have, it's not easily understandable. Shelters are hidden and anonymous for valid reasons, and identities are hidden and protected for the same reasons.

I had to answer questions that implied that I (a) liked what was happening (b) brought this on myself (c) wanted attention. Nothing could have been further from the truth; it was random and escalated into something from a horrible nightmare. And that is all I will say; no more salacious details.

I do not want the OP to think that she cannot seek help because she will be shamed/blamed/scorned/ridiculed/judged. She started in a venue that she felt comfortable in, and she's making progress, and I wish her the best.

Harsh words, perhaps, but that is my truth.

[luvdrunk]

The state I live in and the one I go to school in are the same.

I sent some very threatening (or I thought so) stuff which he sent me to his campus minister and counselor (Things like "I hope you get raped and shot"... I’m a virgin so it’s offensive and beyond cruel along with various other ways of wishing me harm and pain). I have Gmail keep all my chats so I have record of everything.

I agree about the possessions. He says I can have them back if I pay for the ring. He did something like this before with the 3rd party/counselor though I got all my stuff back. Third party would probably be a few church elders or pastor. I used to go to his church, but stopped going once he started “acting up” but no biggie if I can't retrieve them.

I feel like crying (and I tear up) but i know he's not worth it anymore. He is blocked from my Gmail; I have it set to auto delete anything from him. My phone auto rejects him and I'm about to call the phone company and tell them to block his number from texts and phone calls. He's figured out a away to text my phone from Google, I don't think I can block those.


LD


Thank y'all for all the support and advice whether it be supportive or a harsh dose of reality. It kept everything in perspective and assured me I was doing the right thing.

[IrishLake]

OMG LD, he sounds exactly like MY ex! If you're in Ohio, you have to PM me. Of course you are doing the right thing. Someday, you'll give the same advice to someone who is in an abusive relationship, and you can speak form experience of how happy you are now!

[AOII Angel]

You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone. I think that your decision is very respectful of the parties involved. Good luck getting all of this taken care of with minimum drama. He needs counseling for sure. That rape comment is out of bounds no matter how upset he might be or what your sexual history is. That is a peek into a disturbed mind.

[CopterDad]

Got it. You come across as a really sincere girl.

Be assured that this scenario unfolds so many times a day all over campuses. As I've said, my good friend's daughter went through this several years ago at university. She is now happily getting married this summer to a wonderful young man.

God bless.