Possible Thread: What to Do if You're Released from Recruitment

[KSUViolet06]

Bumping for the season.

There's good advice in the entire thread for those who wind up being released from recruitment/not getting a bid, but the best advice is here:

Originally Posted by AChiOhSnap

This is my brutally honest advice. It's not very nice; it's blunt and it's not sugarcoated. However it IS based off of lots of experience personally dealing with disappointed PNMs, and based on some themes that have been especially prevalent on GC this recruitment season. I think its important for people to hear this straight instead of some of the sugary feel-good BS that people have shoveled to disappointed PNMs since the beginning of time. Here goes:

Handle the rejection gracefully:

It's absolutely fine to be disappointed if you've been released from recruitment. It's even fine to cry. It's crushing to really really want something for a whole summer or longer and have it not play out. Seriously, grab a tub of Ben & Jerry's (or a sheetcake, depending on how much of an emotional binge eater you are) and a movie and feel sorry for yourself for a day or two.

But get over it ASAP. I don't mean that you have to stop feeling bad, but stop dwelling on the rejection publicly. The longer you act like a dejected loser, or the longer you whine about how mean the sororities are for cutting you, the more unflattering assumptions people will make about your personal character.

I know this thread is about PNMs that are released from recruitment, but I've always wanted to say this, and I think I will while we're on the subject: If you got INTO a sorority, but just not the one you wanted, don't cry about it to your new sisters on Bid Night. It's unimaginably immature, rude, and hurtful. Just depledge like a normal person and don't drag other excited actives and pledge classmates down with you. If decide you're going to give the runner up sorority a good old "college try", keep your mouth shut about how bad you really wanted to be an XYZ.

Be honest with yourself:

If you've been dropped from recruitment, was it because YOU cut a lot of the chapters initially or because you had an unrealistic "XYZ or bust" mentality? I'm pretty sure a solid majority of PNMs believe they "belong" in Phi Beta Popular, but most probably don't. On campuses with solidly stratified Greek Life, there are far more "lower tier" chapters than top tier chapters -- there simply aren't enough spaces for everyone to get in the "top" four or five sororities.

And you know what? At the end of the day, the "lesser" chapters stay open, meet or exceed quota every year, win Greek Week, have amazing sisterhoods with great parties, and nobody sits around crying because they don't have Phi Beta Popular letters embroidered on their Vera Bradley tote. So suck it up, be honest with yourself, and move on.

Complete PNM freakshows are relatively rare, and I simply DON'T believe that all of our unsuccessful GC PNMs this season were completely socially incompetent enough to have had such brutally unfair recruitments, as we've been led to believe. I think more often than not, PNMs don't "play the game" right or aim only for the top-tier sororities and end up disappointed. I know it hurts to get cut by all the "popular" sororities, but be realistic. If you're an average looking brunette with average grades, average activities, an average bank account and average clothes (no matter what your mom says), you didn't stand a chance at getting a bid to the sorority that only takes beautiful blonde 4.0 pre-med beauty pageant humanitarians from the wealthiest suburb in the state. You've been kidding yourself if you thought otherwise.

Try, try again?:

COB can be a fantastic option for PNMs who had unsuccessful formal recruitments, and I highly recommend it, if you can have a mature and graceful perspective on the process. This means swallowing your pride -- go back to chapters that dropped you, or that you dropped after the first night! Yes, as MANY as you can....even the lower tier chapters.

No, they don't hate you. No, the chapter is not going to talk about what a desperate loser you are for showing up after you were one of 500 PNMs they dropped after the first night. Show grace, poise, and a general willingness to "wipe the slate clean." Drop all the notions you developed about sororities during formal recruitment. I've often said this but PNMs AND chapters are allowed to shine during COB in ways that they can't during 15min FR parties. Try to see the chapter with new eyes; they're most likely returning the favor in spending more time to get to know YOU.

If rerushing or COBing, don't make the same dumb mistakes:

If you've been cut by every chapter once during FR, don't KEEP setting yourself up for disappointment. Figure out what you've done wrong and what you can do better. Ask your most brutally honest friend to help you out. Do you talk too much? Are you a bad listener? Do you nervously laugh at inappropriate times? Is your voice too loud, or are you so shy that you come across as having the conversation skills of a mouse? Are your clothes smelly? Has some girl in your hall shit-talked about you to a bunch of sorority members because you slept with her boyfriend? Finding out what you did wrong or how you can improve can better inform your strategy for how you'll conduct yourself during rerushing or COB parties.

And for the love of god, DON'T just go to one COB party for the highest tiered chapter holding COB.

Don't hate on Greek Life

Becoming anti-sorority in the wake of being released from FR just makes you look like you've got a raging case of the jealousy virus. Sour grapes are never attractive. If XYZ dropped you, talking crap about them does not help you "save face," it just makes you look juvenile. If you realize sorority life isn't for you after all, then that's great! Move on with your life and don't dwell on the disappointments.

Moving on:

Get involved with clubs, meet people (how do you think re-rushers have successful second recruitments? THEY GOT OUT AND MET SORORITY WOMEN!), put your money where your mouth is about how much you loooooove philanthropy and volunteer for non-sorority philanthropic efforts on campus, study hard, pick your major, start a workout plan, do some research with a professor, get a boyfriend, get a job.... keep your life busy and you'll be that much more comfortable in your own skin. Maybe you'll even decide you're having so much fun at college that the idea of a sorority loses its appeal. Maybe you'll want to be in one even more.

The bottom line is that YOU and ONLY YOU are responsible for your happiness in a given situation. Life doesn't stop because you got dropped from sorority recruitment, and college is not going to suck just because you didn't get a bid the first time you rushed. Life is what you make of it, so dry your tears and get back in the game. Rejection can only make you stronger, and this is not the last time you'll ever be this disappointed. Think of this experience as a class in the School of Life, and allow yourself to learn from it instead of fighting it.

[KSUViolet06]

Bumping because I got a PM from a PNM looking for such a thread.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I want to add something, because it seems like the worst cuts come after the second round. If you got most of your top choices after round 1, but then got dropped after round 2, it may be that you "misranked" the first night, and one of the chapters lower on your list may have been the best fit for you. I know it's not much consolation if you end up released, but you shouldn't think nobody wanted you. It's very possible that you were really wanted by one or more of the groups that you didn't go back to.

[KSUViolet06]

Bumping, because while it doesn't happen all the time, it definitely still happens. And AXOhSnap's advice was great here.

[DubaiSis]

I think DBB's and ACHIOhSnap's comments should really be taken to heart by rushees this fall. You don't want to undervalue yourself, but really think critically about where you fit and make your choices accordingly. Or split the difference and keep 1 dream chapter and move 1 to your ranked list. Just like in the college search, keeping a couple "safeties" in your back pocket is a good idea. Not very many girls go through with an invite list that matches their ranks exactly and you don't want to be that girl who ranks herself right out of any choices. And it absolutely happens. I feel like if you rank them in order of best to least FIT and not best to least social status, you may have a better outcome.

Depending on how competitive the school and chapter are and how rigorous RFM, some may really only be doing grade cuts after round 1 (or close to it), then BOOM, they cut you after round 2 when they have to start being more critical to narrow down their lists. That's just an example scenario, but the point is you might be thinking you're having a much better rush after round 1 than you actually are, without any change in your behavior.

Good luck to all. It's right around the corner!

[carnation]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I want to add something, because it seems like the worst cuts come after the second round. If you got most of your top choices after round 1, but then got dropped after round 2, it may be that you "misranked" the first night, and one of the chapters lower on your list may have been the best fit for you. I know it's not much consolation if you end up released, but you shouldn't think nobody wanted you. It's very possible that you were really wanted by one or more of the groups that you didn't go back to.

PNMs, please do rank carefully!

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

I want to add something, because it seems like the worst cuts come after the second round. If you got most of your top choices after round 1, but then got dropped after round 2, it may be that you "misranked" the first night, and one of the chapters lower on your list may have been the best fit for you. I know it's not much consolation if you end up released, but you shouldn't think nobody wanted you. It's very possible that you were really wanted by one or more of the groups that you didn't go back to.

PNMs really need to consider how good their chances are with all the chapters as they go through the recruitment process and rank accordingly. Hopefully every Sorority woman you meet will be gracious and make you feel welcome at their party, but understand that that is what they are supposed to do, and they should be acting that way toward EVERYONE they meet. It is tricky, but try not to get caught up in the reputation,songs, decorations and hoopla that accompanies recruitment. That is not what you should be basing your choices on.

[wcjane]

I'm reading and trying to absorb everything you're all saying. I'm also trying not to panic. I feel like it's like college admissions - dream school which has a 1% chance of happening, reach schools, 50-50 schools, safety schools. I'm ok with that. I have a completely open mind right now because I don't know any better. I'm a little nervous and hope I'm able to quickly figure out what is what for me and rank like I did for college admissions.

[tcsparky]

In another thread, someone mentioned having a "fallback" sorority when ranking. This can be hard for someone who isn't as savvy about the sorority tiers, but for a PNM who has done her homework, it sounds like it could be a strategy to keep from being completely released. As long as she honestly LIKES the fallback group and could see herself being happy there.

[Cheerio]

Originally Posted by wcjane

I'm reading and trying to absorb everything you're all saying. I'm also trying not to panic. I feel like it's like college admissions - dream school which has a 1% chance of happening, reach schools, 50-50 schools, safety schools. I'm ok with that. I have a completely open mind right now because I don't know any better. I'm a little nervous and hope I'm able to quickly figure out what is what for me and rank like I did for college admissions.

In preparation, you have been asking the right questions, and carefully reading the responses. I think you'll have a fine recruitment.

[FleurGirl]

Originally Posted by tcsparky

In another thread, someone mentioned having a "fallback" sorority when ranking. This can be hard for someone who isn't as savvy about the sorority tiers, but for a PNM who has done her homework, it sounds like it could be a strategy to keep from being completely released. As long as she honestly LIKES the fallback group and could see herself being happy there.

I think this is a great idea. It's kind of like applying to college. I don't care if you're a 4.0 homecoming queen with a perfect SAT score who cured cancer her junior year, you don't just apply to Ivy League schools and expect it to happen. You apply to another school you like as well where your chances of being accepted are higher, just in case!

[MTSUGURL]

It's old, but I'm replying anyway - with my own experience as well as a bit of advice.

I went through recruitment as an upperclassmen, as a transfer and as a nontradional student. I had taken three years to work after I started out a very expensive private school with a major that I had no idea how I could use it in real life. (3 strikes already in most cases.) I had a less than stellar GPA. I was confident in who I was, I was involved in other campus organizations, and I had friends in sororities. I had recs for every group on campus but one that I assumed I wouldn't want, and 3 for my favorite.

Bottom line: I was not who they were looking for, but I was encouraged to try. I had been super involved in high school, but with an average GPA. I knew nothing about Greek life to the point that I pronounced Chi Omega wrong for 3 weeks before I went to school the first time and thought I wouldn't like Kappa Delta because one of their colors was green. I was the first in my family to go to a four year college, and if anyone I knew well was an an alumna of a sorority, they never mentioned it.

I was cut in the round before pref parties, and yes, I was disappointed. There were a few tears. I was drawn then not to the college experience, but the experience I could have as an alumna; honestly, this was the part I mourned. My Rho Chi was in tears, and actually met me with her twin sister who was also a Rho Chi and in the same sorority. She told me that I was a phenomenal person, and that had she been there she would have fought for me. I stayed close to these two girls for the rest of the time we were in college, and became good friends with a few other girls that I had met that told me how disappointed they were that they didn't see me again during recruitment.

No matter how much the girls in the sororities may have enjoyed my company, I was an illogical choice. They would have gotten two years out of me; being honest, I would likely not have enjoyed many mixers, etc. because I was simply in a different stage in my life. I do regret not going through recruitment MUCH sooner, and I regret not doing the research and preparation before I started my freshman year. I am still a bit wistful when friends talk about being involved in their alum chapters or helping out an active chapter, and if I have a daughter and it's something she wants to pursue I'll make sure she's more prepared than I was.

Be realistic. Know yourself and whether or not you can handle being rejected, but also if you go through recruitment and you are rejected, make an effort to nurture the friendships with girls that you feel you truly "clicked" with. You may have some wistfulness over this particular area in your life, and that's ok, but don't focus on it to the point that you miss some truly great experiences because they didn't come with Greek letters.

And PLEASE, PLEASE, if you join a service GLO, a local GLO, or another organization, go into it with a clean slate. They are different organizations with different purposes and structures. Love them for what they are and don't try to fit them into the mold of an NPC sorority.

[misscherrypie]

I pretty much went through almost the same sort of situation, so am offering my two cents.

Originally Posted by MTSUGURL

It's old, but I'm replying anyway - with my own experience as well as a bit of advice.



I went through recruitment as an upperclassmen, as a transfer and as a nontradional student.

Bottom line: I was not who they were looking for, but I was encouraged to try.

I was completely released after second round, and yes, I was disappointed. To say the least.

Be realistic. Know yourself and whether or not you can handle being rejected, but also if you go through recruitment and you are rejected, make an effort to nurture the friendships with girls that you feel you truly "clicked" with. You may have some wistfulness over this particular area in your life, and that's ok, but don't focus on it to the point that you miss some truly great experiences because they didn't come with Greek letters.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I would NOT have become a member of an organization that offered many of the same experiences that I hoped to experience as a member of a NPC/MCG sorority if it wasn't for me going through recruitment. I daresay that I'd probably have had one friend for a short time, but I would NOT have made the lasting and heartfelt friendships that I've made during the past year since going through recruitment.

And PLEASE, PLEASE, if you join a service GLO, a local GLO, or another organization, go into it with a clean slate. They are different organizations with different purposes and structures. Love them for what they are and don't try to fit them into the mold of an NPC sorority.

I don't completely agree with this. If you want to be involved in an organization of a certain type, and those doors are closed for you....I daresay, get involved in activities that offer similar benefits. I did that (and Beta Sigma Phi isn't what I'm referring to) and it's proved to be the best decision that I could have ever made.

I will say, the Beta Sigma Phi chapter that I helped to found WAS started in an NPC mold. That was what we wanted and that was how we operated during the first few months of our existence. When we found that such a modus operandi was NOT what would allow us to thrive as a Beta Sigma Phi chapter and some disasters along the way, through pledge training and learning more about the organization that we are a part of......we began to modify how we operated. We still are proud of the traditions that we created as a chapter when we were founded.....but we have become much more...Beta-like in how we operate and what we do together as a chapter.

So, while I wouldn't recommend Beta Sigma Phi to all non-traditional students who are upperclasswomen who still feel the pull to become part of a sorority after being released from NPC Recruitment....it certainly was the right choice for me. I will admit that I struggled with my feelings of not belonging in the way in which I thought that I should have belonged for MONTHS after recruitment. To the point where I needed to seek therapy. Which I got and which did help.

Yet, I did find the right organizations to belong to. And I believe that is really, at the heart of it all, what women who are released from recruitment really want. Time does take care of the rest.

[KSUViolet06]

I think a lot of what you said is good advice.

You go on to talk about how you started out trying to make Beta more NPC like and how much trouble that caused you guys as newer members.

I would highly suggest that any PNM who chooses to join a non-NPC after recruitment AVOID doing that.

NPCs and orgs like Beta are apples to oranges. They are not similar.

They both have Greek letters but that's kind of where the similarities end.

It's important for PNMs to realize that you cannot substitute Beta, Alpha Phi Omega, etc. for an NPC experience.

Should you choose to join one of those, it's important to DIVORCE yourself from the expectation that your experience in this org is going to be like Delta Gamma, Chi O, etc. It's not.

If you spend all of your time trying to make Beta/APO/etc. like the orgs you didn't get a bid to, you're going to end up missing the point of your org entirely.

You're also going to end up alienating women who don't WANT BSPhi/APO to be like XO and are okay with it being WHAT IT IS.

Ex: If APO doesn't do Greek Week, and you join APO and constantly push for them to do Greek Week "like the sororities" you are going to start annoying people who REALLY DIDN'T JOIN APO FOR THAT.

So just recognize that these orgs are not a bandaid for a failed recruitment. They have their own things going on and you need to alter your expectations in order to fully appreciate them.

[misscherrypie]

KSUViolet: Perfectly stated!