Military Spouses, Parents and Families

[scbelle]

Originally Posted by SthrnZeta

so it seems wrong to say, honey, shell out some more for a ring while you're at it, ya know?
And BTW, he'll be gone for a whopping 15 months!

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

Seriously, you need to get a ring on your finger, even if it's only a quarter carat.

I'm probably going to say something that won't be very popular...

why MUST there be a ring to be engaged? In my own experience, I got engaged to my now-husband without a ring. He had no money for such frivolity, but I loved him and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And I was sure in the fact that he loved and cherished me. If you say the words, "Will you marry me?" or "Will you spend the rest of your life with me?" or something to that effect, and the answer is yes, then why does there have to be a piece of jewelry?

A house together seems like a HUGE commitment! So, in my eyes, SthrnZeta, you're already "more than a girlfriend." Deployments are a long, hard road. While I know that I advocated for an engagement before he left for certain reasons having to do with making life dealing with the Army easier, it may be a time for you to really reflect. This surely won't be the only deployment your guy has if he stays in. This may be a good test for you to see if you can really handle a life with a soldier. It's not for the faint of heart.

[SthrnZeta]

Oh I'm well aware that deployments aren't easy, as I've done it before. BUT, he doesn't plan to stay in, so luckily this may be the last. I understand what you're saying about a POA and it makes sense. I'm not sure he'll go for it though, but at the same time if he's trusting me enough to put me on title and not the loan (his credit is better so we got a better rate without me on there) then perrhaps he might. We've also discussed how we're taking title and have decided on Joint Tenancy in the event anything happens to him, the house would go to me per the right of survivorship, rather than to his estate if it were tenancy in common - seemed only fair to both of us since I'll be the one putting equity into the house.

With the way we've been talking, it's as if we're engaged already, if it weren't for it bothering him that other people believe us to be (listing agent of the house, lender, etc.) than I would be led to believe that he also feels that way. I think he's just scared to end up like so many other soldiers who have gotten screwed over by their significant other back at home and it's a totally valid fear. At the same time, I need to know I'm waiting for something and I'm trying to believe that this house thing is enough. But why make comments about we'll have two incomes when I'm back, and our next house we'll use my VA on and rent this one out as an investment property, etc. if you're not going to propose now - it seems only natural to me.

And as much as I want to say I'd be fine without a ring - I wouldn't be. When you tell people you're engaged, people wanna see the ring. And besides, having that little something to look down at when you're down would be a nice little reminder for yourself, a token to give you strength and be patient for his return. Frivolous? Maybe? Do I still want it? Yes.

[scbelle]

Well, you dated a deployed soldier before... and broke up, so you didn't finish the deployment. Now, the deployments are 15 months (thanks, Pentagon!). From what I've read, this relationship you have now is much more serious, so the deployment will be that much worse. It's one thing to date a guy, but quite another to be in love with one in harm's way. What I was advocating, because you already had said that the first deployment was tough, was to see how this one went before any long-term commitments were made. If you feel like you can't take the strain of the deployment and want out, then maybe this guy isn't the guy for you. What you do have going for your situation is that your guy says he's leaving the service. But he's going Guard, so there will be no guarantees that this will be his only deployment. There won't be any guarantees even if he doesn't go Guard, as I'm guessing he has a commission through ROTC, in which case his actual term of service is 8 years. He'll go into IRR, and I know people who have been called up from that to go back to Iraq. I really hope that none of this happens to y'all.

But I don't fault you at all for wanting/needing a ring. Many women do, and that's just fine. Me personally, I'm glad I waited because for our 2nd anniversary (our first he was in Korea), he got me my engagement ring, and it's a beauty!

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by scbelle

why MUST there be a ring to be engaged?

I read as more of an expression... "To put a ring on her finger" means the same thing as "To get engaged", regardless of whether jewelry is actually involved.

Well, except for the specification of "even if it's only 1/4 karat".

[amanda6035]

Sthrn, lord child, my heart feels for you. I have to agree with belle on the point that it's different to date and be crazy in love with a guy too. I certainly understand where you're coming from...and if you DO choose to discuss this with him, I'd say be very cautious. The last thing you want is for him to become defensive. Some guys think that a house and discussing the future is "good enough" but to many women, it still reeks of no guarantee and leaves you wondering if he's truly commited.

What about the idea of a promise ring? My husband I had been dating for a while, werent quite ready to get engaged, but knew that we wanted to one day. For Valentines day the first year we had been dating, we exchanged promise rings, it was a mutual choice, but we had fun shopping for them together. You can find nice ones for only a couple hundred bucks...and it satisfies that reminder that you're looking down at, and he would have one too.

[scbelle]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I read as more of an expression... "To put a ring on her finger" means the same thing as "To get engaged", regardless of whether jewelry is actually involved.

Well, except for the specification of "even if it's only 1/4 karat".

That's what got me. The 1/4 carat specs and the "shelling out more $" for a ring... the actual getting engaged doesn't cost bupkus.

[Army Wife'79]

The reason I said you need a ring is because we teach young officer's wives in the "Commander's Wives Class" not to give info to anyone other than a wife or in certain circumstances a fiance. There is "info" and there is "info". Personally, I only gave info to a fiance if I had met her in person at a "Hail & Farewell" and had seen the diamond with my own eyeballs. I'm not going to risk my husband's units safety by telling something to a non-wife, who might go to a bar and cry and mention where he is and the unit's name. It's like a Hollywood party with a "A" list and a "B" list. You will be on the "B" list for info. Ft. Campbell is known for it's "closed ranks" and security rules. They will confiscate cell phones before announcing a mission, complete the mission, and then give phones back. It can be very frustrating on the wives back home but is necessary. You also need to talk to him about if something happens to him, will you be kicked out of the house b/c his mortgage payments will stop and his estate will be in probate?

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by scbelle

Well, you dated a deployed soldier before... and broke up, so you didn't finish the deployment.

To clarify, I waited out the entire deployment, all 7 months of it, and we broke up the day he got back. So yes, I did finish the deployment. I was there at Green Ramp at Fort Bragg, dressed up, with my big poster to welcome him home, only to drive back up to school in Northern VA a few hours later. Yeah, my senior year of college sucked but I honestly thought we were meant to be. I'm glad we weren't though, or I wouldn't be with the wonderful man I'm with now

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

The reason I said you need a ring is because we teach young officer's wives in the "Commander's Wives Class" not to give info to anyone other than a wife or in certain circumstances a fiance. There is "info" and there is "info". Personally, I only gave info to a fiance if I had met her in person at a "Hail & Farewell" and had seen the diamond with my own eyeballs. I'm not going to risk my husband's units safety by telling something to a non-wife, who might go to a bar and cry and mention where he is and the unit's name. It's like a Hollywood party with a "A" list and a "B" list. You will be on the "B" list for info. Ft. Campbell is known for it's "closed ranks" and security rules. They will confiscate cell phones before announcing a mission, complete the mission, and then give phones back. It can be very frustrating on the wives back home but is necessary. You also need to talk to him about if something happens to him, will you be kicked out of the house b/c his mortgage payments will stop and his estate will be in probate?

I know all about getting info from the other guy I dated - I was lucky enough to befriend some women online and met one in person prior to them coming home and she was able to get me info without me being part of the FRG. I have already told him to make sure I'm on the list so that I won't be excluded from getting info. Thanks for letting me know about Campbell though, I've never been there so I had no idea what it was like. I know what you mean though about keeping the unit safe and not blabbing info. I have a close friend whose husband is Navy and deploys a lot because of the nature of his job and she's very secretive about his missions (with good reason!). Luckily, I work two jobs and plan on keeping myself very busy (and distracted) to make the time go by faster, and to make mortgage payments, LOL.

As far as the house goes, I addressed that this morning in another post. Not sure what would happen to the loan though, but legally, the house would belong to me. Hopefully though, it will be a moot point because he's going to be just fine

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by amanda6035

Sthrn, lord child, my heart feels for you. I have to agree with belle on the point that it's different to date and be crazy in love with a guy too. I certainly understand where you're coming from...and if you DO choose to discuss this with him, I'd say be very cautious. The last thing you want is for him to become defensive. Some guys think that a house and discussing the future is "good enough" but to many women, it still reeks of no guarantee and leaves you wondering if he's truly commited.

What about the idea of a promise ring? My husband I had been dating for a while, werent quite ready to get engaged, but knew that we wanted to one day. For Valentines day the first year we had been dating, we exchanged promise rings, it was a mutual choice, but we had fun shopping for them together. You can find nice ones for only a couple hundred bucks...and it satisfies that reminder that you're looking down at, and he would have one too.

Thank you, yes! Just because I'll be living in the house and be on title, still no guarantee history won't repeat itself (and yes, he knows all about that guy).

As for the promise ring, it's definitely an idea - haven't done it since high school, lol. But I'm curious, would you and he wear it on your right hand instead?

[amanda6035]

Originally Posted by SthrnZeta

Thank you, yes! Just because I'll be living in the house and be on title, still no guarantee history won't repeat itself (and yes, he knows all about that guy).

As for the promise ring, it's definitely an idea - haven't done it since high school, lol. But I'm curious, would you and he wear it on your right hand instead?

It's your choice. We wore them on our left. Mine was a simple white gold band with a couple of small diamonds and pink saphires. His was....really unique. It was actually like two bands that interlocked. It kinda looked like a yin yang symbol. When we got engaged, I moved my promise ring over to my right hand and wore them both. Now I just wear that ring whenever I'm wearing something pink and it matches. Haha.

[Army Wife'79]

When we gave briefings to the spouses, we had MP's check Military ID's at the door and if you didn't have one, you were not allowed inside. You would not believe the stories I could tell you of who soldier's put on their "notify list" including some who met a girl at a bar the week before, decided they were soul mates, and then put them on the list. When they were contacted, the women didn't even remember hooking up with the guy.

I've always thought there should be a test to take before becomming a military wife b/c so many meet during college and have no idea what it's like to move every 2 years for 20 years uprooting their kids from their friends/schools/sports and being sent to places like Alaska, Kansas, Korea, Ft. Irwin (middle of CA desert 2 hrs from anything). When I married him I had dreams of Hawaii and Europe and never got to be stationed at either (but did go as a tourist). The Army asks you to fill out a "dream sheet" of where you want to be stationed next and they totally disregard it and send you to wherever they want you. In 26 years, we got one assignment that was on the dream sheet.

[SthrnZeta]

Luckily for me I've moved several times in my life already and no I'm not a military brat - did go to three different high schools though... I have no illusions about being stationed in exotic places. He is thinking of inquiring about an ROTC slot when he returns from this deployment (and again he wouldn't have much of a choice as to where we went) and if he can't work something out, he'd like to go Guard and I do realize there's no guarantee there that he won't deploy again if that's what ends up happening. Even under IRR I know you can be called up again. I have already told him though that I'll go wherever he goes when he gets back - I just hope it's in the South, preferrably GA. But if he does the ROTC thing and gets, say, VA Tech, I won't be mad

[scbelle]

Well, when he gets back, his time should be up, right? Why doesn't he just get out after the 90 day stabilization time?

[SthrnZeta]

LOL, he's mentioned so many options, I don't think he knows what he wants to do. He's talked of getting out and finding a comparable civillian job, he's talked of trying to do ROTC for a bit first (I think he misses college and would LOVE to go back to UGA ROTC). What sucks is, his ETS is May 08 and of course he'll be deployed by then Stupid stop-loss.