Divorce: Why is it So Prevelant?

[SummerChild]

Soror,
Maybe parents can speak to their children when the children begin dating about choosing a life partner in general (and the qualities that the child may want to really look for someday) and about what comes along with marriage (ex: the compromises, sacrifices, good and the bad). A single parent or a married parent could do this. However, any bitter parent needs to be cognizant of the bitterness and not speak of that in a way that gives the child the impression that that is all relationships. Finally, I am employing in my relationship alot of what I learned by watching my parents interact while I was growing up so however, I know that those experiences may be limited or non-existent for someone who grew up with a single parent. Maybe single parents can establish relationships with others of the opposite sex (whether it be a relative or platonic friend) to at least allow the child to see a positive relationship between a man and a woman, which some of our children lack. Married parents might ensure that what their child is exposed to is healthy (b/c, of course, some married relationships are not necessarily good ones to model).

Finally, we should all consider having an older person that has been married for some time as a relationship mentor. I often run issues by a soror who is close to me that has been married for almost 40 years. I put more weight on her word than the word of one of my unmarried friends who may speak from their own limited experiences. There are many sources from which to obtain info. Even reading a self-help book on relationships can be enlightening. A quick read is "How to love a black man" but I think that it is enlightening.


SC

Originally posted by unspokenone25
So true...so true.

I'm going to bring a different perspective to the topic. I'm not married (would love to be one day) and it wasn't until I got into an "adult" relationship of three years with my significant other "s.o." that I realized that I was not prepared for everything that an "adult" relationship had to offer. By "adult", I mean what it truly takes to make a relationship work (e.g., the sacrifice of time, money and self). I can honestly say that as much as I love my mother (single mom) for preparing me for my life, she did not totally prepare for me being in a relationship with a man. I had to learn (at almost the cost of my relationship) that there are things that you shouldn't say to your s.o., what disrespect truly means, how sometimes your s.o. has to come before yourself, not to take the past out on your mate, etc.

I could go on ad nauseum but the question is this, can black parents do more to prepare their children for the committment of marriage?

Also, my mother did not have me in the church like she should have at a younger age. Church (or what ever religious institution you choose) gives you lessons on how to deal with people and foster relationships. Church was the reason why so many couples back in the day stayed together. Through the teachings of God, they were able to make it work.

[southernelle25]

Originally posted by SummerChild

Finally, we should all consider having an older person that has been married for some time as a relationship mentor. I often run issues by a soror who is close to me that has been married for almost 40 years. I put more weight on her word than the word of one of my unmarried friends who may speak from their own limited experiences.


SC

Great advice.

[Exquisite5]

Originally posted by AKA2D '91
Congratulations!

Thank you!

[2convinced]

Soror Unspokenone25 is right!!!! A lot of celebrities just like the idea of being married!!! I find celebrities who doesn't marry within "Hollywood" tend to last longer!!! Look at Denzel and his wife. They've been married for years!!!

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by 2convinced
Soror Unspokenone25 is right!!!! A lot of celebrities just like the idea of being married!!! I find celebrities who doesn't marry within "Hollywood" tend to last longer!!! Look at Denzel and his wife. They've been married for years!!!

Soror, I thought in People Magazine said they were "separated" and they sold there million dollar home in Beverly Hills, or wherever it was...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by unspokenone25
Can black parents do more to prepare their children for the committment of marriage?

I think that history has played a huge role in the breakdown the Black Family. The "cord" of the Black Family has been weak forever--since the first Africans set foot off the slave ships if you catch my drift... So a sembalence [sp?] of a family is a very foreign concept to whole of African Americans.

We also have had a cultural shifts over the last 40-odd years. The Civil Rights struggle gave us much strength, but the response of integration--not desegregation--but integration confused many people... The Vietnam War annihilated African American men altogether, essentially making them emasculated as men if they made it back home. The feminist movement gave some black women freedoms... And Reaganomics, Drugs and AIDS just caused Armaggedeon on the family of African descent--straight up. So, the fact that we have a few of us getting married to anyone is amazing...

The definition of marriage and family has changed culturally. The laws are just behind the times and folks do not want to change. Should it? I dunno?

What can parents do to better prepare their children for marriage and family?

I think what we can do is teach our young people along with sex-ed courses about basic relationships, especially a focus on uplifting self-esteem and showing them that the separation of sex from emotion is a very difficult thing to do when one is immature--especially for a woman or a girl...

As young people get into college, we need to have preparation with how to be in a relationship--marriage enrichment. Proper selection of mates--meaning the "equally yoked idea"--love can only go so far--it really cannot pay the bills...

Then as folks get older--later 20's, early 30's, they can opt to take a course on the balancing act along with mentoring from elder couples that are married. Successful marriages...

And believe me, there are several websites about marriage enrichment, most of them are religious in nature--only about 2 of them that I know of are secular: The Gottsman Institute and Beyond Marriages. The folks I think have pertinent information that are religious are Gary Chapman and Smart Marriages. But you do get into "Focus on the Family" folks that are Christian Right... So you are doing battle with that...

And William Raspberry has some articles about marriages recently in his columns. So he presents some interesting data...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by unspokenone25
Also, my mother did not have me in the church like she should have at a younger age. Church (or what ever religious institution you choose) gives you lessons on how to deal with people and foster relationships. Church was the reason why so many couples back in the day stayed together. Through the teachings of God, they were able to make it work.

Soror Unspokenone25,

After what I have just been through during the Christmas holidays with my MIL, Church barely played a role in keeping my marriage together... God spiritually does play are role, don't get me wrong, but there is something fundamentally inept in some black churches, most in my area have yet to have a "marriage ministry" other than the minister speaking to a couple before the marriage. That is what happenend with my brother's marriage in 2000, which is now in mediation for divorce right now... Crazy...

I think it takes being Spiritually grounded and always seeking the Lord first before your mate... In fact, if you are Christian--even some Muslims agree with me--that if you place your mate before God, you are idol worshipping--therefore you are sinning... Your mate is not the end all and be all of your life... In fact, you have a life outside of your mate and you need to continue to live it. Otherwise, your own life has little meaning to the main person in the relationship--yourself...

The question is, could you give up your spouse for God if God ask you to do so? And since I only know it from a Christian perspective then this is the only way I can relay what my think is to everyone:

Just like Abraham had to with his promised son Issac?

Just like after Nathan told David about his sin with Bathsheba and their son?

Just like Joseph though he should not marry Mary, mother of Jesus?

Could you leave your spouse if you knew the Spritual Destiny or whatever you wanted to call it asked you to devote yourself to only itself?

Or how strong is your devotion to God?

[unspokenone25]

Soror AKA_Monet: STANDING OVATION!! {{CLAPPING HANDS}} I knew that if anyone could answer my questions, it would be you! Thanks also to Soror SummerChild...these are great responses.

I'm bringing this back up to the front b/c there was discussion about Will and Jada on Delta Ave about their alleged open marriage. It seems that this thread is fitting for anyone that wants to discuss that.