(I've sent a copy of this great (but long) article to Dem strategizers - lot's of ideas to preserve and increase the power and influence of the MWODP, Mikey Moore, Cher, and MoveOn.org wing or wings)
John Ervin: EVEN THE DEMOCRATS GET LUCKY SOMETIMES
What with Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay, Karl Rove, Bill Frist and a host of other Republican hot wads getting the legal version of the whirlie, those on the Democratic side of the House and Senate appear to be game to continue holding the Republican’s heads down in the political commode with as much force as the members of fraternities do their hazing victims in nearly every cinematic rip off of “Animal House.” But, as history has shown, the Democratic party has a long and irritating history of being as whimpy and cowering as the members of Lambda Lambda Lambda in “Revenge of the Nerds.” In case any Democratic politicians looking to run for office in 2006 or 2008, or those involved in their campaigns, happen to read this column, I have several suggestions for how they can best take advantage of the current crises afflicting the Bush Administration and other conservative Deltas, and take back the majority in both houses and, perhaps, the White House, with as much Homecoming strength as the Adams College geeks did the dorm they lost to Ted McGinley and his squad.
Right off the bat, any Democrats on the campaign trail should run ads on television much like that featured in the 1985 political thriller “Power”, which involved computer animated mud being slung in the face of a woman running against the corrupt politician whom leading man Richard Gere works for (and providing the one lively scene in an otherwise boring movie). Of course, in any upcoming campaign commercials, the Democrats don’t even need computer animation. They can simply run clips from coverage of the Katrina disaster, most particularly FOX News’ split screen display of unfortunate FEMA director Michael Brown assuring an interviewer that all was under control in New Orleans on one side, while on the other cameras catch live footage of people being swept away by violent flood waters. The tag line for such a clip: “The Republicans are so out of it, even FOX News can’t hide the fact that they don’t know a strong wind when they see one!”
As for radio, just as John Travolta’s Presidential candidate Bill Clinton - excuse me, Jack Stanton - used a call-in show to excoriate and inadvertantly cause a heart attack for one of his rivals in the great, and greatly underrated, comedy “Primary Colors”, so the Dems should use the AM, FM and satellite radio frequencies to outrage, disgust, and inspire the occasional heart attack or two amongst the right. This, of course, means not just splashes through polite, fuzzy chat spas like “Fresh Air With Terrry Gross” but neck-deep dips into the septic tanks of Don Imus, Tom Bernard, Opie and Anthony and other oral pollutants. And with Howard Stern entering the satellite stratosphere in 2006, when campaigns will be in full swing, the FCC-free sky is the limit. Just imagine, John Kerry wrestling with strippers in vats of tapioca pudding, or Joseph Lieberman discussing the pros and cons of vibrators with today’s hottest porn stars, all under the watchful eye of ringmaster Stern. In addition, Howard should encourage his legions of onanistic listeners, as well as the blind jugglers, mentally challenged roller derby queens, fraternity brothers who sleep with their mothers, and other regular guests to help, uh, beat off the right’s grip on Washington.
Speaking of ringmasters, the Democratic Party has, of course, a former Mayor of Cincinnati still hosting one of the most appalling displays of human iniquity to ever assault television screens. Considering how many people Jerry Springer has fooled into watching his circus of low self-esteem, the Democrats might as well keep a profitable thing going and have that other PT Barnum, Howard Dean, host his own theater of pain. But instead of having morbidly obese couples and transgender truckers enact faked brawls that make the acting in Ed Wood’s works look like a Steppenwolf Theater revue, this Howard could oversee real knock downs and drag outs between Democratic Presidential hopefuls and their Republican counterparts. Whoever loses the bouts consequently drops out of the race, until the last candidate from each side remains standing - bloody, bruised and, perhaps, covered in tapioca, but still ready to finish the campaign. And, if anybody gets out of line, Coach Dean could let out one of his famous roars. In fact, Dr. Dean, himself, could take part in his own match with that other famous political physician, Bill Frist, who, considering how easily he is intimidated by his Christian right supporters into supporting intelligent design and making bogus diagnoses of famous coma victims, would probably run screaming from the most intimidating head of the Democratic National Committee.
The web, and most particularly the omnipresent (and, in my mind, overrrated) “blogosphere”, of course, helped light the fires of Howard Dean’s run for the Presidency in 2003-2004. Admittedly, that run lasted about as long as it takes to make a losing bid on eBay. Nonetheless, there’s no reason future candidates on the left shouldn’t continue to take full advantage of this universe of hacks, fetishists, identity thieves and, oh, yeah, people who like to get information in the most timely, convenient fashion. But instead of moulding official sites and blogs around their campaigns that have all the pizazz of medical brochures, they should instead have official campaign pages that will truly appeal to the needs and concerns of most Republicans. Therefore, just imagine, Hillary Clinton modeling in black latex and leather with a staff full of pierced, tattooed Goth chicks, a la the girls of the hugely popular
http://suicidegirls.com or Dianne Feinstein and her campaign vamps wallowing in blood and lingerie, a la Countess Bathoria and her coven in
http://bathoria.com. And should Air America host Al Franken decide to run for the Senate after moving back to his home state of Minnesota next year, he can recommend the best places in the Twin Cities to drink oneself into the emergency room, much like the contributors of the most popular site of that state,
http://thriftyhipster.com. However, if Al really wants to appeal to the worst instincts of Republican voters, he should base his internet post on the most obnoxious, offensive and prurient site of all ... that of his rival in political satire, Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller leads a long line of former donkey celebrities and wonks who have, in the interest of salvaging sagging careers, taken up blowharding for the elephants. A leading offendor in this movement is former film critic and current media rodent Michael Medved, who, after years of co-hosting a poor man’s version of “Siskel and Ebert”, decided to make a name for himself as a family values filmgoer who is shocked (one more time, shocked!) by all the sex, violence and immorality sloshing through the motion pictures he once gave four star reviews to. Medved, who, like Miller, displays his Judas nature on television and talk radio, could provide a model for those brave celebrity Republicans who have seen the diseased rot of their past voting record, and have dived into the rejuvenating waters of the Democratic Party. Since this list, so far, consists of only two prominent names - comatose baseball-movie king, Kevin Costner, and current affairs femme fatale Arianna Huffington - the only program I can see these two putting together is a poor man’s version of ... “Hannity and Colmes?”
Still, Kevin and Arianna could, through their connections to Hollywood and, tenuously, its musical arm, make inroads into the Top 40 forces that have had unbreakable ties to the Republican party - country and heavy metal. The artists and fan bases that make up both of these genres will be tough ones to crack. But if, say, Senator Barack Obama and Governor Bill Richardson can join the lilly white tour buses of Toby Keith or Travis Tritt and convince they and their minions to turn their reddened necks to the left, anything is possible. And if, for instance, Richard Gephardt, Al Gore, Harry Reid and Joseph Biden can give the very tired and very conservative members of KISS a night off, by donning the band’s Kabuki makeup and space warrior suits and flailing their tongues in a packed arena for a few hours, they just might get the band’s mullet-haired followers to put down their twelve packs, stagger out of their trailer homes and head for the nearest Democratic campaign headquarters. Finally, if anyone in politics, entertainment - or the woods of Michigan, for that matter - can get Ted Nugent to sell his arsenal, cuddle up to animals, and vote Democratic, the Dems will have the lock on Washington for the next fifty years!
Let’s face it, though, if you’re talking conversion, the form of entertainment that trumps all of the above is that of old time, and pay cable, religion. This being the province of perennial Presidential candidate and near-felon Al Sharpton, any other liberal competitors wishing to outpreach the good Reverend from New York will have their work cut out for them. But there’s no reason, say, that Representative Barney Frank shouldn’t raise hallelujah’s for gay marriage and sexual freedom with the same Nuremberg Rally pinache as neo-Nazi Dr. Joseph A. Dobson does about the evils of openly gay public figures like Mr. Frank and SpongeBob Squarepants. By that same token, Jimmy Carter, as the only Born Again President in history, could co-host his own version of “The 700 Club” with Bill Clinton (who, along with Carter, make up the only Democratic Presidents in recent history!). Like “The Club’s” Pat Robertson and Terry Meeuwsen, these two influential men could report on current events and social mores, and discuss how they tie into God’s plan for the world ... and also how they can help in scoring with interns, personal assistants and, in Carter’s case, Ann Margaret. Natural guests for this show would be equally lusty men of God like Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Baker and the entire male congregation of the Southern Baptist Convention.
While the above suggestions for future Democratic candidates for Senate, House and, in 2008, Presidential stools are, at best, semi-serious, one important matter is one-hundred-per-cent, blue ribbon for real. The many effective and admirable public office holders above have been spending so much time over the past twenty years representing themselves as kinda-sorta-but-not-too-much-more liberal versions of their Republican mirror images that they have forgotten their foundation as the party that really represents the economic, social - and, what the hell, partying - interests of most of the American public, including those who no longer vote for them (or, for that matter, anybody). By getting their cajones back, and taking a risk on looking like the sinning, wenching, anti-family-values devils the James Dobsons and Orrin Hatches of the country make them out to be, the Dems might just get back the moderates they lost to the Pubs. They also might help balance out the one thing they perform with authority, dignity and, above all, absolutely unparalleled consistency.
Losing.
John Ervin/Film Fanatic At Large
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