Am I overreacting?

[WCUAXID]

Oh girl, you are sooo not over reacting!! I would not have even been able to type up all the information as nicely as you did,I would still be seething!! It sucks when a friend that you think that is close to you does something as ishitty as that!! I do have to agree with one of the past posters, it does sound like y'alls friendship has been wanning for sometime, and this was the straw to break the camels back.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have a friend that was my best friend in H.S., college and after. Now however we have been drifting apart for sometime. We are just at different points in our lifes right now and sadly even when she lived 10 mins. from me we still did not do all that much together.

I would not go to the wedding..sorry but it sounds like this girl just used you, got what she wanted and moved on without having the decency to tell you about who was in the wedding party and why she left you out. To me it sounds like you had a major hand in helping get the couple together and remain together!! And her actions clearly scream that she does not appreciate all that you have given her in the past or now.

So why should you have to go to a wedding that you don't really want to be at and try to pretend to be happy at? Sounds like a huge waste of time to me. Plus everytime you saw one of the other bridesmaids you would have to feign happiness so they would not have anything to talk about for years to come.

I think you should go to Cali and have a great time and be with people that you want to be around. Afterall, the bride decided who she wanted to be around on her day.

So sorry for the long post

[madmax]

OTW.


You are secretly in love with Aleathia.

[RedRoseSAI]

You should go - she has to pay for your meal, right? if you don't, you'll end up saving her $50+ in wedding expenses.

[AOII_LB93]

Originally posted by KSigkid

sidenote: What's WITH all these girls getting upset over bridesmaids choices? (Sandy, excluding you -- you're clearly upset over the way the bride handled telling you, vs. her decision.) IT'S THE BRIDE AND GROOM'S WEDDING. Don't you think THEY would know better than anyone else who they're close to? And who knows what else is going into these decisions -- maybe the bride felt obligated b/c she'd been a bridesmaid to someone else. Maybe the bride felt like asking a specific bridesmaid would bring them closer. Maybe the bride couldn't choose between two women and knew one of them wouldn't make the issue into a federal case. WHO KNOWS? IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING!

On the sidenote: It's not just the bridal party - there are people who "expect" to be invited to the wedding, and then end up being truly upset when they're not. Unfortunately, there are those who think money is no object and that every person you've been friends with can be invited to the wedding; it's just not the case. Not everyone can be in the bridal party, and not everyone can be invited to the wedding. On one hand, it's nice that so many people care about the wedding; on the other, though, it causes conflict.

Dude...you are both my GC soulmates right now. I'm having that problem too. I understand people want to go, but damn, I'm not made of money and neither is my fiance or my dad.

Sandy- Sorry that your friend did the shady thing and didn't tell you herself. Maybe she chickensh*tted out because she was afraid what your reaction might be, I know people who do that, they suck. If you do decide to come out to CA, let's go out for drinks.

Thanks all for your responses. I woke up this morning and read through half of the posts and just finished reading the rest now.

I suppose I've calmed down a bit since writing that post, but I am still undecided as to whether or not I'm going. It's a good thing that I have up until the 18th to decide whether to go to the wedding or go on a weekend vacation!

It's funny because I was at work today, and one of my co-workers is also a HS classmate. I asked her if she knew about the situation (as she's also invited to the wedding) and Judy told me she assumed that I was a part of the wedding party. She compared me and Aleathia to rubber and glue as she recalled how close Aleathia and I were back then.

And you guys are right -- I could give two shits about being a part of the wedding party. I'm just infuriated that she didn't bother to clue me in. In Aleathia's defense she's never been the confrontational type. This doesn't appease the situation at all, but it does explain at least one thing.

Maybe I just need to find a really really really hot guy to take to the wedding to make them all jealous of me.

And no, I'm not secretly in love with her as madmax said. She carries too much emotional baggage and is too needy and she's really not my type.

I'm just infuriated that she didn't bother to clue me in. In Aleathia's defense she's never been the confrontational type. This doesn't appease the situation at all, but it does explain at least one thing.

It kind of surprises me that you have been such good friends with such a Chicken Sh*t all of these years.

Definitely find the hottest guy possible to take. Make them crazy jealous.

[Glitter650]

Originally posted by ADPiZXalum
.

Definitely find the hottest guy possible to take. Make them crazy jealous.

and we all know Sandy could easily do this

[KSig RC]

Originally posted by KSigkid
On the sidenote: It's not just the bridal party - there are people who "expect" to be invited to the wedding, and then end up being truly upset when they're not. Unfortunately, there are those who think money is no object and that every person you've been friends with can be invited to the wedding; it's just not the case. Not everyone can be in the bridal party, and not everyone can be invited to the wedding. On one hand, it's nice that so many people care about the wedding; on the other, though, it causes conflict.

As for your situation Sandy - that just seems like an awful way of handling things on the bride's part. If she had no intention of having you as part of the bridal party, she should have relayed that to you when you were giving her all that help. Common sense should have told her that if someone is doing that much work, and they're not going to be a bridesmaid, she should have told that to you right away. Also, to have another bridesmaid deliver the message is weak, at best. You're upset and have a right to be upset.

Keep both of these things in mind - C is def your GC soulmate, and he definitely knows how awkward some of these situations can be. You're mature enough to see both sides, and I'm sure you can understand both aspects.

I'm going to disagree with the majority, though - this is not at all similar to Collin's first point, which is a totally understandable allocation of resources. You put in the legwork, and you were effectively cut out of the loop.

If I'm you, I would make a very conscious decision as to whether or not I really have a desire to attend. Bringing a "hot date" is a short-term victory, and is nearly worse than the garbage 'boycott!' arguments. If you're only going to show someone up. you'd be better off in LA with some friends and some beaujoulais.

Sending a gift is requisite - she's still your girl. However, at no point can I honestly promote putting yourself in a position that only involves some sort of "FUCK YOU" mentality. Take a zen moment, and decide whether or not you'll actually enjoy yourself. If you will not - use those frequent flier miles and do you.

You're not being the bigger person if your sole purpose in attending is to show up everyone else.

RCOUT

[Xylochick216]

Is there an open bar? If so, go and drink your $s worth

Seriously, just like everyone else said, try to think of if you'd regret not being there in the future. If you won't, then tell her AHEAD of time. It will make you look bad to cancel last minute. I know we had some people do that at our wedding, and it cost us a lot of $ and I'm still mad at them. I know that what she did was hurtful, but don't give her any reason to be mad at you. Let her be the bitch in this situation.

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally posted by valkyrie
This is part of the reason why I think the concept of bridesmaids is awful. Seriously.

I will make you a bridesmaid and I will make you wear a dress with a floppy bow and a hat and I will NOT let you eat my sheetcake under any circumstances.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by GeekyPenguin
I will make you a bridesmaid and I will make you wear a dress with a floppy bow and a hat and I will NOT let you eat my sheetcake under any circumstances.

Sorry, I'm busy that day.

If you try, I will use my glue stick to put a bow on your ass before you walk down the aisle.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by GeekyPenguin
I will make you a bridesmaid and I will make you wear a dress with a floppy bow and a hat and I will NOT let you eat my sheetcake under any circumstances.

Or, you could draft all of your fiance's friends, who secretly hate you, to be your BEST MEN because you have no female friends.

I'm just saying.

[valkyrie]

I'm going to ask Anvil Loppers to do a short reading.

[honeychile]

Hearing about it via a third person online is super-tacky. If she had even an ounce of class, the bride would have gotten up the nerve to tell you herself.

You've just saved yourself a LOT of money! Go to the wedding, knowing that you can have a great time, sans any of the bridesmaid duties. There are a million truly b-thy things you can do, but you'll feel better about yourself if you don't do them. Keep a smile on your face and let them wonder!

[dzrose93]

Sandy,

I totally understand your reaction, and I'm sorry that your friend hasn't been upfront with you about her choice of wedding attendants. I think I'm more upset about the girl who sent you the e-mail, though. From reading it, it looks as if she's trying to rub your nose in the fact that she's a bridesmaid and you aren't. That's pretty immature in my book.

If it were me, I'd call the bride, let her know about the e-mail, and ask her why she didn't ever mention her bridal party when you were helping her plan the wedding. (It sounds like there were many opportunities.) However, since you mentioned that Aleathia is a non-confrontational person, keep in mind that it could be that she was worried about upsetting you and, instead of just being honest, chose to ignore the issue altogether. Also, she may not have any idea about Evelyn's e-mail, and may be just as upset as you are to find out about it. I'd definitely tell her about it in order to gauge her reaction.

Side story: When I got married, I really wanted one of my college friends-- I'll call her Jane -- to be a bridesmaid. However, I knew that, if I asked Jane, then I'd have to ask another college friend, too-- I'll call her Wendy. (I'd been in both Jane and Wendy's weddings, and the two of them were close also.) Unfortunately, Wendy and I had a huge argument about a year before my wedding and, although we still stayed in touch, our relationship was not nearly what it once was.

I didn't know what to do. Although I wanted Jane in the wedding, I knew that having her as a bridesmaid but not Wendy would cause problems. In the end, I didn't ask either of the girls to be in the wedding party. Instead, I selected two good "after-college" friends (who I'd met while dating my fiance) and one of my cousins. I figured that, by not asking any of my college friends to be in the wedding, I would avoid hurt feelings. It didn't work. As they say, the best laid plans of mice and men...

Jane and Wendy came to the wedding with their husbands, and I thought things went smoothly. Then, I got back from the honeymoon and found out from my bridesmaids that Wendy had given them dirty looks throughout the reception and, to top it off, both her husband and Jane's had cornered one girl and grilled her about how she knew me, how long we'd been friends, etc.!!! One of the comments Wendy's husband made was, in a very sarcastic tone, "Oh, so you've only known dzrose for a couple of years?" It was very obvious that Wendy had put him up to it, and that he was implying that my friends weren't good enough to be in the wedding party since I hadn't known them as long as I'd known my college friends. It made my bridesmaids very uncomfortable, and I felt terrible about it when I found out.

Anyway, that's me going on a tangent... your story made me think of it, though.

All that being said, my advice is: 1) talk to the bride and get her side;

2) if you come away from the heart-to-heart conversation feeling that Aleathia didn't mean to hurt you, then go to the wedding and be happy that your friend saved you from spending money on a dress and shoes that you'll never wear again;

3a) if you do go to the wedding, be gracious to everyone and kill the other bridesmaids with kindness. Classy, classy, classy.

3b) if you don't go to the wedding, tell Aleathia about your decision -- well before the big day -- and let her know why you don't feel up to making the trip. Honesty is the best policy in this case, especially if you think that you may want to re-connect with her sometime down the road.

Good luck, Sandy! Let me know what happens!