S/he's married!

[lovelyivy84]

Originally posted by valkyrie
I disagree. I think that most people answering here (and I don't mean you, lovelyivy84) have no concept of this situation.

I was separated when I started dating Mr. valkyrie, so I've been on the other side. Despite g8ralphaxi's kind words, I don't think that I or my ex were "screwed up in the head" -- it just wasn't working out and it's that simple. My separation was not a "legal" separation, and thus there was no paperwork involved. I don't see any "karmic" issue here at all, and never thought that I should sit at home alone until my divorce was final.

To answer your question about marriage -- maybe I don't really believe in it. Or maybe I do, but I think that two people should only be married to each other if they both really want to be. I don't see the point of sticking it out when you're miserable just because you said you would.

I see what you're saying, but I think we are looking at two different situations. The kind of situation that I was addressing is one where there is no separation, someone is married and you have a relationship with them anyway. Not where there is a separation or pending divorce.

And while I understand your points, I still don't think it's a great idea to get involved with someone who is separated. I personally would be extremely reluctant to get involved with someone until after they were legally divorced from their spouse, and had gotten over such a huge, potentially traumatic breakup. There isn't bad karma on that one, but it's just a bad situation to step into.

I was talking about cheaters, plain and simple. Maybe they start telling the person they're involved with that there will be a divorce AFTER they become involved, but who would trust the word of someone who is actively lying to the person they promised to stay faithful to forever?

I am not saying that marriage MUST always last forever- people grow apart, don't get along, etc. But if that is the case, then be an adult and leave. Don't stay with someone who you say makes you unhappy and continue to lie and cheat. It's wrong. And getting involved with someone in those circumstances is dumb and wrong.

[Dionysus]

Originally posted by lovelyivy84
but who would trust the word of someone who is actively lying to the person they promised to stay faithful to forever?

That's my biggest issue. I cannot trust someone who is being unfaithful to someone else. I think they will more likely to do the same thing to me in the future.

[G8Ralphaxi]

Originally posted by valkyrie
I disagree. I think that most people answering here (and I don't mean you, lovelyivy84) have no concept of this situation.

I was separated when I started dating Mr. valkyrie, so I've been on the other side. Despite g8ralphaxi's kind words, I don't think that I or my ex were "screwed up in the head" -- it just wasn't working out and it's that simple. My separation was not a "legal" separation, and thus there was no paperwork involved. I don't see any "karmic" issue here at all, and never thought that I should sit at home alone until my divorce was final.

Valkyrie, I'm sorry. I think my words sounded harsher than I meant them to be. I have several friends and family members who I love very much and who have gone through divorce and they are good people.

What I meant to say is that in my opinion, the risk of someone "a few beers short of a six pack" being involved in the situation might be a little higher when you date someone who is almost-divorced-but-not-quite. Anyone who's ever dated a guy with a psycho ex-girlfriend knows how unpleasant that can be. If the ex-girlfriend is instead legally still attached to your guy, it's an even bigger mess.

I certainly did not mean to insinuate that all people who get divorced must be screwed up in the head. Sometimes, like you said, it just doesn't work out, and it's not really anyone's fault.

[AGDee]

As far as dating someone who is separated or who has filed for divorce and is just waiting for a court date to make it final, I take it on a case by case basis. I know in some states you have to be legally separated for a year before you can file for divorce. Someone in one of these states who has filed and is waiting for court has pretty much already been through all the harrowing parts of divorce. In my state, there is no legal separation required and I would hesitate to date someone who is only separated because I wouldn't understand why they hadn't filed for divorce already. It would seem to me there was hope of reconciliation. Secondly, for someone who is waiting for the divorce to be final, I'd have to look at the individual and how messy the divorce was. If they still seem emotionally distraught or stuck on the ex, forget it. I dated before my divorce was final. My divorce was my choice, my ex and I had an amicable divorce and were in agreement on all the issues (custody, division of property, etc). I wasn't going through emotional trauma. I just wanted to go out and have fun. My ex was dating before the divorce was final too. I've also met men who were still emotionally screwed up by their divorce LONG after it was over and I wouldn't date them either. You have to be able to judge people and situations and make appropriate decisions.

I would never date someone who was still really married. I do believe that if the marriage is bad enough, you should leave it, not cheat.

Dee

[CutiePie2000]

Originally posted by Jill1228
As far as dating a separated man, I have. It took about a year and a half for his divorce to be final. We have been together for 6 years and married for a little over 2.

I've dated someone who was separated. We were together for 3 months. Not sure when his divorce became final (it was AFTER our relationship), but he is now remarried.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by G8Ralphaxi
Valkyrie, I'm sorry. I think my words sounded harsher than I meant them to be.

No problem, and thanks.

[sairose]

No, no, no, no, and no once again. I just couldn't date a married man.

[Rudey]

Again, (thanks Russ) only if I can give them violent butt sex.

-Rudey
--By violent I mean the kind that leaves me, not her, in tears...and yes, I have NO idea what that means.

[tinydancer]

Date a married man? Been there, done that, I'm sorry to say.

Would I do it again? Naw, it isn't worth the complications it causes.

[madmax]

Originally posted by Dionysus
This was discussed on the DST forum. Everyone over there said hell no. But, I know people over here tend to be more wild.

Would you date someone who is married?

Sure as long as she isn't married to OJ. She is the one cheating, not me.