How do you feel about............. - Page 3

Japera1920 · #31 04-09-2002, 01:06 PM

If marriage is immediate; I would consider of moving in. But I must pose this question, if you are engaged and have not lived with anyone prior to the engagement; but move in after marriage, what type of strain would you think that it would place on the marriage.

TLAW · #32 04-09-2002, 01:15 PM

To be honest, Japera, from experience, none that cannot be overcome from the crux of your last point: you gotta be serious about making the marriage work! But remember, I am asking how many women would suggest it. How many women would say, "No honey, I think we should live together for a while before we get married". I am assuming that you are deeply in love and want to get married with the man.

Kimmie1913 · #33 04-09-2002, 01:49 PM

I think that it is a personal choice and that none of it should be done based on what is liely a predictor of this or that. Any relationship is going to require work at allstages. It is a matter of what are you willing to put in to it. Do whatever is right for you. In any circumstance all you can do is what you feel is best and right for you at the time, not anyone else.

I have read a lot of interesting points and opinions on the board so far. Every situation is unique and you can always find a situation that supports a given view. Of the poeple who have replied, how many have lived any of this? OF the no living together viewpoints, how many have gotten married after not living together? How would you describe that experience? How many have gotten married after living together? How would you describe that experienc? Just curious since many are speculating I wondered what those who lived it have to say. (I know some hve already shared their personal experinces)

For the record, I am currently living with my long time boyfriend. No we are not engaged.

Japera1920 · #34 04-09-2002, 01:56 PM

For the record, I am currently living with my long time boyfriend. No we are not engaged. [/B][/QUOTE]

Kimmie, as long as you are happy. It is just you and him against the world.

TLAW · #35 04-09-2002, 02:07 PM

Exactly!

Kimmie1913 · #36 04-09-2002, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Japera1920
For the record, I am currently living with my long time boyfriend. No we are not engaged.

Kimmie, as long as you are happy. It is just you and him against the world.

[/B][/QUOTE]

Ain't that the truth!

I just added it so that my perspective was out there. We all can only talk from our own experiences and when we don't have them yet, our own point of view of what we beleive is rigt for us now and in the future. Beleive me, I do not think I knw the answer to this one and my perspective may be different on any given day. I used to say- no, no way will I live with a man before marriage. It worked out that I made a different decision down the road. But since this is still a work in progress I cannot say whether it will or will not end in marraige (I can only hope!) So I think it is always interesting to here what others' expeiences were. For example, one of my line sisters got married for the first itme. She was in her thirties and used to being on her own. It was the first time she ever lived with a man and she will tell you it was a big culture shock for her. It was not a pleasant experience all the time and was a larger challenge to adjust to than she ever imagined. Of course that does not mean it lead to divorce or anything like that but it was not an easy transition either. Not a factor of people hiding their identity or putting on airs but it just is not he same as sharing the same space completely and all the time accoridng to her. On the flip side, for those who think it is a test run for marriage, most people I know who lived together first say something still is different the first time they walked back in the house as a married couple. THere was a change even though it was not as tangible as moving in together something as different for both of them.

Just examples of expereinces people have shared with me in the past.

Also, for those who used the "why buy the cow when the milk is free" sentiment, I alwyas heard that as a reason why you should not have pre-marital sex rather than co-habitaion. Do you also beleive that you should not have sex unitl marriage as well? (According to my mother, the thought was he won't marry you if you sleep with hiim now since that is a motive for men to get marrided at all- SEX that is. So if they can get sex with out marriage they are less liekly to marry.)

TLAW · #37 04-09-2002, 02:26 PM

You and your mother are right. That is exactly what the analogy is used to explain. However, I used it in a sense that cohabitation is usually viewed as an extreme extension of pre-marital sex. (Undacuva's post dispelled this). I guess what I was trying to say was why marry, when you can have all the non-legal benefits of marriage without tying the knot?
And to answer your question, I do believe you should wait till marriage for sex. And yes, I am male!

To sum it all up, I paraphrase what Japera said: It's up to you and yours.

undacuva22 · #38 04-09-2002, 02:59 PM

I too love a good debate!!!! I agree with DSTlove on some of her opinions. I too previously stated that what is written in here is only opinions, do what is best for you and fits your life style. I am sticking to my believe that people hide things no matter how good you think that you know them. And of course that too depends on who they are. I am so happy for you and your fiancee DTSlove and I wish that there were more men in this world like your honey dip he sounds like a really great guy, but honestly who realistically has the time to go hopping from state to state, country to country to look for them?????

not everyone has the means to be out here searching for someone like that. But for those who can't they are trying to figure out I think personally, how they can mold who they are with now. I just think that i would like to see what it would be like living with someone true i am experimenting this summer and that is not all that long of a time but i want to just get the general sense. That is me and me alone. So like it was stated earlier everybody make smart decisions and do what is best for you. You are living your life and I nor anyone else can do that for you...... Of course people will have their opinions and you may not like them....... but.....

" Opinions are like butt holes, everyone's got them and most of them stink"

DST Love · #39 04-10-2002, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by undacuva22
" Opinions are like butt holes, everyone's got them and most of them stink"

Now that is hilarious

!!

Japera1920 · #40 04-10-2002, 01:42 PM

This is a good one. What happens living together is the prerequisite before marriage? Maybe because wither party has lived on their own?
Feed back

big dru · #41 04-11-2002, 08:35 PM

What's Up,

This is big dru, I see no brothers have replied yet so I'll give you my opinion. Living with each other before marriage might save you a divorce, cause when you live with someone from day to day you get to the real sides of him/her because they can't hide it 24/7 it's easy to put up a front when you'll spending the nights but when you there every day and paying bills together you start to see what can of man/woman you really got cause things like cleaning and bills really test a relationship so live with the brother first take away his opportunity to have toys at other places because he have the same place to come to every night and you just might save yourself a lot of heart burn.

Big Dru
Hopeful Sigma

PrettyKitty · #42 04-15-2002, 10:33 AM

I, too, am old fashioned, so I am going to say a big NO.

snuggles12 · #43 04-16-2002, 12:56 PM

In regards to living together, I think it depends on the couple's expectations. Does one person expect marriage to follow and the other person does not have marriage on the mind? That situation is a disaster from the get go. If both have similiar expectations, then that is a better situation.

I never lived w/ someone because I didn't want to make that emotional/financial investment for someone I couldn't call my husband.

I'm married now and living together is an adjustment but we spent enough time together to learn each other idiosyncrasies to get along. Also having separate rooms makes it easier to adjust to one another since we have a place to be alone.

Urbane · #44 04-17-2002, 04:41 PM

You have to do what’s best for you but I’m all for shacking up. Now, I don’t have statistics.. all I have are my experiences and what worked for me. So… putting my bidness out there… my man and I date for 3 years starting in college, lived together for 1 yr(ringless), got engaged and lived together for another yr, and now have been married for almost 3 years. Again, what worked for me and mine, may not work for anyone else.

Personally, I would do it all again. I learned not only about my future husband but I also learned about myself and that I had some unrealistic ideas about marriage. I had these standards with roles and responsibilities based on other successful/unsuccessful marriages that I had been exposed to. What’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander. Whether folks see it as a dry run, playing married or what have you. So be it. I didn’t go into it giddy and not knowing my man’s intentions. We did have “the conversation(s)” so I knew where his head was at. Now, we didn’t go as far as one bank account etc. but we learned how to share space and took note of how bills were handled.

My take on getting to see the true person… there are just some things that you would never find out about until you live together. And if you did see them, can you take seeing it all the time? Is that person willing to compromise knowing it bothers you or do you just have to suck it up? I have a toothpaste story of my own… except I’m the middle-squeezer. Solution, we now use Mentadent toothpaste in the pump.. you press the top and that's it!

Lastly, as someone who has lived together before and after marriage, there is a difference. I can’t really put it into words but I know it goes beyond your living arrangement... you just FEEL married. Almost like a rebirth of the relationship cause it doesn’t start the day you say I do.

thesweetestone · #45 04-21-2002, 01:48 AM

I would say no. I don't think I would live with someone before I married them. When you move in with someone you are going to be doing all the things married couples do anyway. I feel like if I trusting that person enough to move in with them I can trust them enough to marry them.