Received a blatant B-list invitation BY PHONE BY PROXY, what to do?

[Munchkin03]

Why does this not even seem like a Thing to me?

First off, I see the donation thing as being deliberately snarky and more than a little catty. I get joy from picking out wedding gifts for my friends--usually I stick to the registry but I have gone off-script for something that I know the bride/groom really want or need (ie., Lowe's Gift Card to my BFF and his wife, who spend all their free money on their home remodel). Making a donation to someone to deny them a gift is sanctimonious.

Secondly, I like Ellebud's advice. Go, get a gift, and call it a day. Also, the MOG may have been talking out of her ass about y'all being invited anyhow. She may have had no clue about the venue, what it could hold, or who her son and his bride were obligated to invite. It seems that, unless they're paying for all of it, the groom's side ends up getting shafted in terms of guests anyway.

Third, weddings can bring out the rudeness and cattiness in not only the guests, and the party, but also the bride and groom as well. I have never seen so many scores settled by brides/grooms excluding people from invites, seating arrangements, and the like under the guise of "well, it's all about us!" Rudeness is never acceptable, even when it is "your day."

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Why does this not even seem like a Thing to me?

You aren't the only one.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

First off, I see the donation thing as being deliberately snarky and more than a little catty.

Uh, that's the point. I'm sorry, I don't believe in B-list guests. Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways. This case is especially egregious because hubby was invited to the bachelor party.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways.

THIS is the problem. To most people invited = important/loved/the best, and not invited = why are we even friends?

Sometimes it's too expensive.. Or the couple wants a small wedding.. Or someone is forgotten.. Or whatever. There could be a million different reasons why someone isn't invited, but that doesn't automatically mean they're not important to the couple.

Or hell, maybe they aren't important, and they were purposely left off. Oh well! I stick with my point.. Get over it and move on.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

THIS is the problem. To most people invited = important/loved/the best, and not invited = why are we even friends?

Sometimes it's too expensive.. Or the couple wants a small wedding.. Or someone is forgotten.. Or whatever. There could be a million different reasons why someone isn't invited, but that doesn't automatically mean they're not important to the couple.

Or hell, maybe they aren't important, and they were purposely left off. Oh well! I stick with my point.. Get over it and move on.

No, that's fine. You can leave people off your guest list. I know plenty of people who have had small weddings. If you are fine with someone not being there, then don't invite them. The problem is not excluding people, it's a) inviting someone to the bachelor party and not the wedding, b) sending someone a last-minute invitation, and c) talking about the wedding at length in front of people who weren't (at the time) invited. Do you not see how those things are rude?

It's ridiculous how many people think that planning a wedding means they can treat other people any way they want, and then the guests are supposed to just suck it up and show up smiling.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

No, that's fine. You can leave people off your guest list. I know plenty of people who have had small weddings. If you are fine with someone not being there, then don't invite them. The problem is not excluding people, it's a) inviting someone to the bachelor party and not the wedding, b) sending someone a last-minute invitation, and c) talking about the wedding at length in front of people who weren't (at the time) invited. Do you not see how those things are rude?

It's ridiculous how many people think that planning a wedding means they can treat other people any way they want, and then the guests are supposed to just suck it up and show up smiling.

I didn't say the bride and groom can treat people like crap. But people get bent out of shape about stupid things, and usually it's in regards to people they never cared that much for to begin with.

So again I say.. Who cares?

And hell, they could have said, "Oh, it got lost in the mail," when in reality, they made a mistake and forgot to send it. I know I've done that before.

Besides, it was the mother of the groom who apparently was being the b****, but now you're going to screw over the bride and groom and give them a gift they can't even use? If that's the case, don't even bother to show up.

[sigmadiva]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

It's ridiculous how many people think that planning a wedding means they can treat other people any way they want, and then the guests are supposed to just suck it up and show up smiling.

I really don't think its that. In the weddings I've been involved in, it was a matter of cost. The couple wanted to invite "everyone", but couldn't afford it. They had to budget for everything.

When you invite people to your wedding you have to factor in the cost per person. Even if you are having a small wedding, there is still a cost to everything.

The idea of an "A" list and "B" list is to make sure who is coming, and the couple can afford to have them there. If some one from the "A" list can't come, then someone from the "B" list will get the invite, and hopefully that person can come. Doing it this way, if the couple has budgeted for 150 people, they can still reach that number and not risk going over. One of the worst things to happen at a wedding is to run out of food!

[AGDee]

I don't see a problem with it especially since I have a really big family and there is an obligation to invite family first. I would think the priorities would be a) relatives, b) friends of the bride & groom, c) friends of the parents. If it is a traditional situation where the bride's family is paying for almost everything, then her family/friends/parents' friends may have to be on the list first, even if the groom's mother really wants someone there. Sometimes there are people you have to invite out of obligation even though there are others you really would rather have there. It is difficult to know the attitude behind the B list. B list could be "well, we'll invite them if there is space but we don't care if they are there" or it could be "We really hope enough of the obligatory invites don't come so we can include these people"

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

I don't think your husband has to go to the bother and expense of renting a tux. Just wear a dark suit and call it a day. The MOG's rude manners don't warrrant the effort and money of a rental.

I can't believe I'm going to disagree with you and ellebud, but as a husband that would make me feel very uncomfortable, unless I knew for a fact that lots of guys were going to do it. The whole point of stating the appropriate attire is so that people know what to expect and won't feel overdressed or underdressed. I would go with the tux, not out of any sense of obligation to the MOG but for my own comfort at the wedding.

But like ellebud said, I'd buy one. Very good tuxes can be got very cheaply -- often for the price of just a few rentals -- and then you have one.

Of course, I was a music major, so I've had a tux since I was a freshman in college. (Unfortunately for my waistline, not the same one.) Having one seems natural to me.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I can't believe I'm going to disagree with you and ellebud, but as a husband that would make me feel very uncomfortable, unless I knew for a fact that lots of guys were going to do it. The whole point of stating the appropriate attire is so that people know what to expect and won't feel overdressed or underdressed. I would go with the tux, not out of any sense of obligation to the MOG but for my own comfort at the wedding.

But like ellebud said, I'd buy one. Very good tuxes can be got very cheaply -- often for the price of just a few rentals -- and then you have one.

Of course, I was a music major, so I've had a tux since I was a freshman in college. (Unfortunately for my waistline, not the same one.) Having one seems natural to me.

I completely agree. Buy a tux...they look better, are tailored to your fit and cost less in the long run. My husband got a Calvin Klein tux for the cost of two rentals about 3 years ago and has used it at least 5 times now. You also save time having to run out and rent tuxedos in the future.

[Gusteau]

Regarding the tux, since I have no opinion on the rest, a dark suit with the right shirt (white) and tie (dark and silk) could work, though I'd admit to feeling nervous about being underdressed. And really, being underdressed reflects poorly on you rather than the couple, etc.

I hate, hate, HATE rental tuxes. They never fit right, and to be honest they kind of skeeve me. The next time I need a tux I'm going to order one from Indochino (Indochino.com). They make custom suits with your measurements for less than $400 dollars. I was nervous before I ordered, but Forbes gave them a positive review and they will pay for up to $75 for alterations at your local tailor. I was very impressed with both the fit and quality of my suit, and I didn't need to get any alterations. I will definitely order again.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I think it's odd your husband was invited to the Bachelor Party but not the wedding...initially. No one should be invited to the pre-wedding events without also being invited to the wedding.

I agree with this, which is why I actually believe that they're invite may have gotten lost.

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Uh, that's the point. I'm sorry, I don't believe in B-list guests. Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways. This case is especially egregious because hubby was invited to the bachelor party.

If someone thinks about me enough to put me on a B list, I'd be happy. Now that many of my friends are getting married, and I was just a part of one of their weddings, I'm seeing exactly HOW expensive it is, and many of our friends (including myself) are getting left out. That's fine. Not everyone is money bags and sometimes there are so many more obligatory guests that there just isn't room. A, B, or C list, I'd still feel honored to have been thought of.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I would go with the tux, not out of any sense of obligation to the MOG but for my own comfort at the wedding.

But like ellebud said, I'd buy one. Very good tuxes can be got very cheaply -- often for the price of just a few rentals -- and then you have one.

Also, rented tuxes just look...rented. Most of my close male friends just ended up buying their tails (there are a few white tie events our group attends each year). They said that it was just more convenient, cheaper in the long run, and I just happen to think they look way better.

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Uh, that's the point. I'm sorry, I don't believe in B-list guests. Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways. This case is especially egregious because hubby was invited to the bachelor party.

Uh, so the point is to react to rudeness with more rudeness? No, thanks.

It's also highly unlikely that the person who coordinated the wedding invitations was the same person who's planning the bachelor party. No--you're not supposed to invite anyone to a pre-wedding event who's not going to be invited. It sounds like the pre-wedding planning was a logistical nightmare and who was planning the party never got the memo that Mr. aephi alum wasn't invited to the wedding.

B-lists guests aren't like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. While you may not want to do one, for some people, it's a necessity--especially people with large families, small venues, or a ton of invite obligations. The bride, groom, and their parents are supposed to be discreet about who they're inviting; MOG seems to be the one who was really lacking tact.

I'd either go to the wedding with a real gift, or not go at all.

In seeing friends get married, I didn't realize how much social competition goes into it from a guest end. I've seen some people act like they've Won at Life when they've been invited to a wedding and you haven't. I had some former friends who treated me like shit when I wasn't invited to a wedding--that I couldn't attend because I had another wedding, LOL. Is it really that deep? Apparently for some of y'all it is.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Uh, so the point is to react to rudeness with more rudeness?

How is it rude to donate to a charity that the bride and groom like? Rude would be donating to a cause they hate, distinctly different. If you are really inviting someone for the pleasure of their company (which you should be), you should not care if they bring a gift at all.

If the OP wants to go and have a good time and bring a lovely gift, then she should do that, but clearly she was offended, or wouldn't have posted about it in the first place. I am just saying that nobody is required to deal with offensive behavior just because they have been invited to a wedding.

[ellebud]

You are correct in that no one is required to deal with offensive behavior just because they have been INVITED to the wedding. However, the minute you accept the invitation one is supposed to behave themselves....on both sides of the equation.

If the couple has a favorite charity and/or they are very wealthy and have requested no gifts, then you can make a donation in their honor. I sense these kids are just that...kids. And young couples need plates and coffee makers and wine glasses. I'm just saying that once you accept the invitation its kind of nice to go with the flow.

And I still stand by the fact that the OP has the opportunity to be the perfect daughter in law: appropriate and classy.

.....oh, and as a future mil (no dates set) I would be devastated if I wasn't invited to see my kids get married. No criteria on what or where. I am open to whatever they want to do...but I'd better be invited....and yes, I will sit quietly.