Advice and status of my move in - Page 3

Gretchen W · #31 10-10-2008, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Since you kept talking about him and the girl, I doubt you understood. You threw in a blurb about how things between you aren't the same anymore...that he's not dressing up for you, etc. That's the part that made me think this isn't really about the girl. Maybe it's pissing you off a bit, but that's not where the problem really lies, IMO. So figure out what's really bugging you (which you've partially identified) and take THAT to him as a real concern because, from the way you're talking, this girl is just a sidebar to a bigger issue.

Then I misunderstood you. I think it's about her.

Gretchen W · #32 10-10-2008, 10:39 AM

MysticCat I agree with your posts, especially seeing that you've been married for 20 years, but I do respect his feelings. I don't see the balance between the two of us, there actually hasn't been any. I do think it is about her, because we've been together for a long time and he's never ignored my thoughts on anything, until now.

Pretty boy I agree with you and I am having 2nd thoughts about marriage with him. What you posted makes a lot of sense, but when you posted that you're only responding to my post, you made it sound as if I'm only telling my side of the story. I am telling you guys exactly how things are now, and how they once were. Ever since she arrived, it started. Let me add that before they all formed a study group, he would bring her name up in conversation sometimes. At the time it didn't bother me. But I agree with you, MysticCat and texasprincess, and I'm not insecure at all.

MysticCat · #33 10-10-2008, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

I really hope this is a joke. Because if this is your idea of how to deal with the situation, you and he have a lot of trouble ahead of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Then I misunderstood you. I think it's about her.

No, it's about you and him. She's just a symptom. Even if the way he acts with her makes you feel like he doesn't care about you any more, that's a problem between you and him. If it hadn't been this study partner, it would have been someone or something else.

You need to ask yourself these questions (among others) and answer them honestly.

Do you trust him?

If not, why not?

If so, does he know you trust him?

Then, you and he need to have honest conversations about all of this. And I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling. (I don't think any couple should get married without it.)

ETA:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

MysticCat I agree with your posts, especially seeing that you've been married for 20 years, but I do respect his feelings. I don't see the balance between the two of us, there actually hasn't been any. I do think it is about her, because we've been together for a long time and he's never ignored my thoughts on anything, until now.

See, this what makes me think it's about you and him. Like I said, if it weren't her, it would be someone or something else.

Could it be that, now that y'all are living together, he's having second thoughts, too? Maybe this is how he's dealing with those second thoughts and communicating them to you.

I really hope you and he can find a way to talk about all of this.

Gretchen W · #34 10-10-2008, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I really hope this is a joke. Because if this is your idea of how to deal with the situation, you and he have a lot of trouble ahead of you.
No, it's about you and him. She's just a symptom. Even if the way he acts with her makes you feel like he doesn't care about you any more, that's a problem between you and him. If it hadn't been this study partner, it would have been someone or something else.

You need to ask yourself these questions (among others) and answer them honestly.

Do you trust him?

If not, why not?

If so, does he know you trust him?

Then, you and he need to have honest conversations about all of this. And I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling. (I don't think any couple should get married without it.)

ETA:
See, this what makes me think it's about you and him. Like I said, if it weren't her, it would be someone or something else.

Could it be that, now that y'all are living together, he's having second thoughts, too? Maybe this is how he's dealing with those second thoughts and communicating them to you.

I really hope you and he can find a way to talk about all of this.

*laughing* no it's not a joke, and I wouldn't do that to him. I was just typing out of frustration.

I trust him, but I don't like the situation. I don't trust her around him. I haven't asked him if he knows I trust him. I'm thinking he does. We're going to be going to pre-marital counseling, closer to our wedding. MysticCat, thanks for all of this. I'm going to have a one on one talk with him tonight and see how he feels. He already knows how I feel. I've already expressed that to him.

It very well could be about us, but it really seems like he's really into her. She calls him on the phone and they talk for about 30 minutes. The conversation right off sounds like it's about school, but then he walks outside or somewhere else where I can't hear the conversation. It's a lot, and some things come to mind as I type. But I'll talk to him tonight.

Thanks MysticCat.

MysticCat · #35 10-10-2008, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Thanks MysticCat.

Good luck!!

KSUViolet06 · #36 10-10-2008, 03:06 PM

I definitely think you two need to have a talk. This seems to bother you alot, and whether your suspicions are warranted or not, you defintely need to talk to him about this. If you're going to get married, your issues need to be out in the open. If you don't talk about it, you may not make it to your wedding. Either that, or you'll be divorced before long.

nittanyalum · #37 10-10-2008, 03:09 PM

Counseling sounds like a good idea. There's no way your marriage will make it if this is how things are already going just a few months in to your engagement/cohabitation.

ComradesTrue · #38 10-10-2008, 03:58 PM

Yes, to counseling.

Why are you waiting until closer to the wedding? It is as if you are just checking it off your to-do list and not really using it as an evaluator of your status as a potential married couple.

Please don't use school as an excuse. Once the wedding gets closer you will be just as busy as you are now.

Plus, if counseling uncovers some real problems in the relationship that cause you to re-evaluate that August date, it would be much easier to deal with that now. Do not be one of *those people* who just choose to walk down the aisle, knowing there are issues, just because the invitations have already been sent.

If you do try to use "we are too busy with school" as an excuse now, then do your counseling over the Christmas holidays. But do not wait until you are knee deep into the wedding details.

teena · #39 10-10-2008, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

It didn't start out this way. I expressed my feelings to him about how I felt about her, and he laughed and said it's nothing. No, I don't expect him to tell her that way. I just expect him to keep his distance from her. It's just something about her. She rarely says anything to me, and just this week again, it's been the same long talks with her outside in front of her car. I haven't said much to him about it, in fact, I let it go, but it still bothers me. The sex, isn't even like it was. He says he's stressed because of school, and that may be, but when we were in undergrad, he never complained about that.

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

I was cheering for you up until you posted the bolded. That is silly and immature. Maybe it really is you.

cheerfulgreek · #40 10-11-2008, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

We weren't having problems until she came along.

Sorry "GW" for my last post. You keep adding. So now, what you've added, I agree with you. I would feel the same way.

Drop the bum.

texas*princess · #41 10-11-2008, 02:26 PM

Like someone already posted, I think pre-martial counseling NOW will be better than right before the wedding.

You will be more busy/stressed/etc when the wedding gets closer than you are now.

And I could be wrong, but if there are troubles in the bedroom, (i.e. he says he is too stressed for sex or it's just not as great as it used to be and he makes excuses for it) that is a definite red flag.

Munchkin03 · #42 10-11-2008, 03:29 PM

I'm a huge fan of talk therapy, so I'm not saying this as a slam against you--but I think that it'd be good for you to get counseling by yourself prior to and along with any pre-marital counseling.

AOII_LB93 · #43 10-12-2008, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

You are SO not ready to be married. I can't even begin to express how destructive this sort of behavior is in any relationship. "He hurt me so I'm going to do it back." Yeah, that's a great way of being in a mature relationship. Perhaps you should examine why it is that you are engaged to a man that you feel that you can not trust. Based on what you've said above, amongst other posts, getting married to anyone at this point would be a horrible idea.

Jimmy Choo · #44 10-12-2008, 08:07 PM

Since you are engaged you may want to give counceling a try. But I have to say my red flags would be up too. If he doesn't want to be honest in that enviornment kick his a$$ to the curb. Seriously.

PrettyBoy · #45 10-13-2008, 03:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Just because you agree with her doesn't mean you're not both in the minority here.

I don't know that any of us are saying she's being "crazy." I think many of us are saying that the situation she's posting doesn't sound like it's really about the study partner -- it sounds more like it's about her insecurity, perhaps some conflict on both her and her boyfriend's part about whether this is what they really want, and the need to communicate openly and honestly.

As an example of the latter -- you talk about the need for him to respect her feelings. I agree with that up to a point, but I see little in her posts that indicates to me that she is respecting his feelings or demonstrating that she trusts him. After 20 years of marriage, I'd say that a good relationship isn't about her respecting my feelings or me respecting hers -- that's too simplistic. It's about finding the balance where we both feel respected and heard, and where, after compromise if need be, we each feel that we are respected by the other and that we are being true to ourselves. Lose that balance and everything else will go out of balance.

I know that. I just said nope because she's not the only one who feels that way.

True. I agree with you, as I do all of your posts in D&R. I certainly won't debate with you on marriage though, seeing that you've been married for 20 years. I think that's great!!! What I will say though, I still think "Gretchen W" should think twice before she marries this joker. IMO, I just see disaster based on what she's posted. Everyone handles their relationships differently, but for me I wouldn't put up with a 3rd party problem.

I still have to roll with texas princess on the issue.