I need advice and help. Have no idea where to put this.

[thetygerlily]

Ditto the advice to go to parties/clubs/etc. It is so easy to let that awkwardness of not wanting to go without your boyfriend get in the way- but don't let it. Most groups I've been with or seen wind up spending time with each other, not grinding on random guys (as someone so eloquently put it ). And if some do, not everyone does. Try going a couple of times. Push yourself. It'll be amazing how that small act will change peoples' perception of you. You'll go from being the person that's off-limits ("no, lala wouldn't be interested so we won't bother inviting her") to someone on the options list ("oh yeah, lala came last week to X- maybe she'll want to go to Y this weekend!"). Usually those kinds of buckets aren't disrespectful in any way, people just go by the norms of what they see.


As for getting to know more of your sisters, take the initiative and go to coffee or lunch with them, one on one. It is very easy to get lost in all of the things you have to do, and to let that shyness or private nature get in the way of pushing yourself to form closer relationships. I have always been the kind of person where I wait for people to approach me, and don’t take the initiative. It has been a huge life lesson to change that. This has actually been a personal struggle for me at work, and I wished I had pushed myself further in college to form closer relationships.

To set the stage for why this is so important in your sorority and out in the real world, I work in consulting which is a bit of an odd industry. I have a company where I work with people minimally on occassion but see them often, and mostly interact with other people (clients) outside of the company. It's very similar to a sorority actually- you're part of the group, you're on a few committees with some people, but spend a lot of your time outside of the sorority- dorm/apartment, classes, boyfriend, etc. In my company, I received some feedback during a midyear review that people felt like they didn't know me, what I was working on, what I could do. The reason? I didn't take the initiative to set up meetings with people just to chat. I thought they had better things to do than talk to me! It was a huge lesson for me to learn that just because someone else is busy and I don't know them well does not mean they aren't interested and won't make time. I started targeting people from different skill sets & levels (in your case, different pledge classes/grades/hobbies/etc). I set up at least one coffee or lunch a week. Pretty soon I had met with around 15 different people that I otherwise wouldn't have. I received such positive feedback that I was not expecting. I figured people would be like “okay, fine, I guess I’ll take time out of MY day to talk to you”. But it was the opposite! People were so happy that I set up these casual meetings. I remember one of the most senior people in my company looking up at me from across the room when he got a meeting invite with the biggest smile on his face, he was so touched and happy that I set something up. It sounds strange, but people were thrilled that I took the initiative to do that because they didn’t have the time/energy to think about setting things up themselves. It not only helped me in my next review but also made me happier with the company because I was establishing closer relationships with people. Now it is that much easier to work with them because we have that basis to start from.

Anyway, long story short… make it a personal goal to reach out to 1-2 people a week. Invite them to coffee, lunch, a campus event, tv show premier, whatever. Don’t send a blanket email to a bunch of people. Target them individually. You will find some that you just don’t click with as well, and that’s fine. But you may find some that you really enjoy, and want to set up another coffee, and another lunch, or go on a double date, or… anything. But, as I have learned, you can’t rely on others to reach out to you. You need to take the initiative for that push. You may be amazed at the response you’ll get. Regardless of what happens between you and your sorority, it is a huge life lesson and a skill that will better prepare you for life out in the real world after graduation.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by lala2005

I don't really know honestly. They're free, and I guess they just aren't interested. Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful. Haha sorry if you don't understand that and think it's weird. And I've talked to my sisters about it and they understand, and I do spend time with the two girls who agree and have the same situation...
But back to my first point. A sister and I organized an ice skating sisterhood, it was about 7 or 8 dollars, and only 2 girls went. I guess most of the girls had something else to do, since it was a Saturday (it was after a recruitment workshop). And we can't have one during the week since a lot of girls have late night classes!
Sadly we don't have a chapter house or even suites at my school so I can't stop by in between classes.
But I'm gonna try and "not" be shy anymore! I really am. Retreat is this Friday so I'm excited for that.

And yeah the only thing I'd really gain from dropping out is being able to save my money and more time with my best friends. I have 4 and I've grown very distant from them since my sorority takes up a lot of time! And just time in general.

My gut is telling me not to quit though, so I guess that's a sign!

First, take this with a grain of salt since it's based on personal experience, but please think it over.

I've been in relationships where I have felt guilty if I did not bring my boyfriend with me to parties, or if I went without him. Every single one of these relationships ended, and badly. Now, I realize that's my own experience but please understand that aside from any one issue that caused the break ups, all of these relationships deteriorated more quickly and less amicably than subsequent ones because after a while, we were devoting all of our time to each other, and that's not healthy. Especially at this age. Arguements became impossible to reconcile because we were not able to blow off steam and have time apart to calm down. Two of these boyfriends became increasingly possessive to the point that there was abuse (and I am not telling you that I think your boyfriend is controlling or abusive). I am very careful now to maintain healthy relationships by having as much time with my friends as I do with my SO. I'm 24 and not ready to settle down, and I understand that about myself and act accordingly.

If you really want to build stronger relationships with your chapter, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. You need to be able to have the experiences with your sisters that will help you grow. You don't have to drink or flirt. He needs to trust you enough to know you can handle the party without hurting your relationship. (And by the same token he needs to be afforded the same consideration.)

Was the sisterhood advertised? Were some girls worried about money? Was everyone exhausted after the workshop? Don't let one let down convince you that next time won't be better. The next time you organize an event advertise heavily ahead of time and if cost is an issue, consider something like a pot luck with movies. Have a sign up list and everyone can bring what they can afford.

It's common to grow apart during college, just let your friends know you're busy but that doesn't mean you don't care. When you have a free afternoon on Saturday, ask them to come over to your apartment/dorm and hang out, or organize a girls' night out with just them.

[lala2005]

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't really responded to your advice. I was actually at retreat for my sorority.
First off, retreat was so amazing! So much sisterhood bonding, my roomie and I connected so well because we both felt the same way about being in our sorority. We both felt alone and wanted to drop- and when we talked about it and other things it was just great because we both understood each other and there was actually crying too-but it was actually tears of happiness because we were happy that this weekend we got to know everyone so well and we felt so comfortable. All my sisters ended up coming to our room and we talked to them about so many different things, and we went to the jacuzzi at like 2 in the morning and talked a lot there too. I got to know all the girls so well and I am so happy! I feel a lot more comfortable now and I'm actually going to go make costumes with them for a frat party soon! I'm really excited about that! And I'm going out with them again tomorrow!
Anyways I just wanted to let everyone that gave me advice know that all the info/help/experience you gave me helped significantly and made me realize different things I need to work on. I can't thank you guys enough! I really don't know what else to say besides thank you! And I'm definitely not dropping and sticking it through.

[33girl]

Yay for happy endings, or rather, happy beginnings!

I'm so glad you were able to express how you were feeling and realize your sisters really are there for you.

[When Doves Cry]

Originally Posted by lala2005

Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful.

I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in my sorority (and still with him now). I didn't go out as much as the other girls did, but I did go to a fair amount of parties & socials. In fact, he always encouraged me to go and have fun, as long as I was safe!

Sorry if I'm repeating any questions (I only read the first page), but do you have date parties? Kind of like Semi-Formal & Formal, but more casual and you can all bring your boyfriends/dates/whoever!

[agzg]

Sisterhood retreats are so great. I'm totally serious.

[IrishLake]

I had 2 boyfriends while I was in college. One I felt guilty about when I went out, and as a result, I didn't go out very much. I never felt guilty when I went out without the second one. Just sayin...

The first one was a raging passive aggressive psycho in a nice guy disguise, and the second one I married.

[lala2005]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

I had 2 boyfriends while I was in college. One I felt guilty about when I went out, and as a result, I didn't go out very much. I never felt guilty when I went out without the second one. Just sayin...

The first one was a raging passive aggressive psycho in a nice guy disguise, and the second one I married.

Oh wow! Haha I'm sorry to hear that! Luckily my boyfriend is not like that at all. I honestly believe he is the most perfect guy ever. When we talked about this same topic, he said he wants me to go out with my sisters more so I can have girl/sister time, since I can't hang out with my best friends that much anymore! So yeah I'm happy I'm not hurting his feelings or anything!
I'm just so happy in general. It's funny how I barely posted this and things coincidently got better so fast all because of retreat!

[lala2005]

Originally Posted by When Doves Cry

I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in my sorority (and still with him now). I didn't go out as much as the other girls did, but I did go to a fair amount of parties & socials. In fact, he always encouraged me to go and have fun, as long as I was safe!

Sorry if I'm repeating any questions (I only read the first page), but do you have date parties? Kind of like Semi-Formal & Formal, but more casual and you can all bring your boyfriends/dates/whoever!

Yeah we have a semi-formal and a formal! But we haven't had date parties.....!

[When Doves Cry]

Originally Posted by lala2005

Yeah we have a semi-formal and a formal! But we haven't had date parties.....!

OH well you can plan them exactly like how you would plan a social (with themes & everything)! Except instead of having it with a fraternity, you just bring your own dates