Being Sexually Harassed at Work! Please Help!!!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

At my job I have to provide a home and emergency number, and fortunately if this was going on at my job it would have been handled better due to our structure. I'm a supervisor and there is no way I'd be able to function in my position by not letting my underlings and my overlords have my number.

You're a supervisor. That's totally different. The OP is not. At the most, all she needs is a number where she can be reached - that could be the phone number of her next door neighbors who are nice enough to take her calls. At this point, she is possibly missing calls that she might want to take because he blocks his number and she's too scared to answer the phone. Also, I don't know if the lawyers will agree with me on this, but if she does end up changing her number because of his repeated harassment, she can feasibly recoup the $$ it costs to do it.

I am dumb as a post about saving texts and vms from phone to phone, and she should definitely do that, but my point was that for the majority of people in office positions, which I'm guessing is what she has, work is 8 hours a day. Period. When you walk out the door people leave you the eff alone unless you invite them in.

The waiting outside the restroom door is unbelievable. I'm sorry you are dealing with such an obvious psychopath.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

Sorry to double-post but I forgot to add that he's now starting to plan "retreats" for us (like just the 2 of us) for 4 different conferences, conventions, and visits to other branches during the summer. I really don't want to go because I'm afraid it might go from harassment to assault or something. I don't know how to get out of going. I don't know why he's asking me to go either since I'm in a very entry-level position.

Like my GC colleagues have said, do not travel with this man. He is trying to "isolate" you and perpetrators isolate the victim to make committing a sexual assault easier. Document everything and keep it at home or another safe location.

Remember that harassment is "unwelcome behavior" and that HR person that you first spoke with is some unbelievably unprofessional, I can't even believe that they have a job. Wow, just wow.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

You're a supervisor. That's totally different. The OP is not. At the most, all she needs is a number where she can be reached - that could be the phone number of her next door neighbors who are nice enough to take her calls. At this point, she is possibly missing calls that she might want to take because he blocks his number and she's too scared to answer the phone. Also, I don't know if the lawyers will agree with me on this, but if she does end up changing her number because of his repeated harassment, she can feasibly recoup the $$ it costs to do it.

I am dumb as a post about saving texts and vms from phone to phone, and she should definitely do that, but my point was that for the majority of people in office positions, which I'm guessing is what she has, work is 8 hours a day. Period. When you walk out the door people leave you the eff alone unless you invite them in.

The waiting outside the restroom door is unbelievable. I'm sorry you are dealing with such an obvious psychopath.

Changing your number is a huge hassle, and anyone who wants to harass you will find out your new number, guaranteed. In fact being unreachable can cause the abuser/stalker to escalate their behavior, and tipping them off may cause more issues. If this guy is as scary as we think, don't you think he's going to realize her number has changed and all of a sudden he can't reach her, and then ask her for her number? What then?

As I said before, as I was the victim of stalking and harassment, I was told to get a second phone line and keep the first one to document the abusers behavior as all the phone calls, texts, and voice mails are concrete proof to use for prosecution. I could have added a line to my account, or just get a prepaid phone, but I chose not to. In my case, and for many other women (and men) this is the only way you can prove there is harassment or any crime at all. The OP doesn't have to read the texts or listen to the voice mails, someone else can as changing the number is not an absolute protective measure and is a huge hassle, and doesn't always work with a persistent stalker and harasser. I especially think that if no one in her office, including HR is taking this seriously she needs every piece of evidence possible. The OP needs every shred of evidence possible as Sexual Harassment is not always easy to prove (and the company doesn't seem to care) and even if this man is removed from work she still may have to deal with him and get a restraining order. Honestly, until one is in one of these situations what seems obvious and the right thing to do, often isn't. When you're dealing with people who find nothing wrong with harassing and stalking someone, and what works on the average person (STOP, leave me alone, this is inappropriate) doesn't make them blink, the way one handles it changes completely.

Maybe her state doesn't care about the phone or texts, but since the previous ones have been deleted she is starting at 0, it is not bad evidence to have, hence why we continually say SEE A LAWYER.

Even when I wasn't a supervisor I always had a number where I could be reached either land line or cell as I needed to be called when I was off in the event someone didn't show up, called in sick, or something else happened. I think it is standard to be able to be contacted reasonably, and we're all in agreement that the boss of the OP is not reasonable in any manner.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by 33girl

You're a supervisor. That's totally different. The OP is not. At the most, all she needs is a number where she can be reached - that could be the phone number of her next door neighbors who are nice enough to take her calls.

I'm not in a management role, and I have to provide a cell phone--not just a landline, or the company will provide one for me. I think it depends on the type of work. If the OP has a job that requires any off-site travel or dealing with things that may happen in off-hours, then it's completely different from someone who's in the cube farm for 8 hours a day.

I was harassed by a friend's boyfriend, and when I finally got my number changed because of harassment, campus security asked why I hadn't kept the voicemails from the months he had been harassing me. It was second nature for me to just delete them like all other voicemails.

[33girl]

I said in one of my earlier posts that she should definitely keep the old texts, etc for legal purposes - I also said I'm dumb as a post and don't know how to do that.

I also got the impression that she's in a cube farm. My point is that for many jobs all you have to provide is ONE emergency number where you can be reached, whether or not it is a phone under your name. You do NOT have to give your cell, pager, private email, etc etc. We give up WAY too much of our private lives to work and have only ourselves to blame when shitty people take advantage. This has nothing to do with the OP - this is in general. Private life is private life and work is work.

IMO it sounds like this is part of the overall company culture and she's going to get zero satisfaction from anyone in HR or elsewhere, no matter how high up.

[Boro]

IMO it sounds like this is part of the overall company culture and she's going to get zero satisfaction from anyone in HR or elsewhere, no matter how high up.

I'll bet the HR toad goes back and reports the conversation to her boss.

Gucci Model, I know the economy is bad, but no job is worth this. Are you looking for a new job?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

To give you an idea of how often he calls, last night I have missed calls from him at 10:48 p.m., 11:07 p.m., 11:12 p.m., 1:37a.m., 2:21 a.m. and 3:14 a.m. He didn't leave any voicemails, however. I also received 6 texts from him between 8:35 p.m. and 1:58 a.m. In the past, he has somehow blocked his number so it shows up as "unknown" so I also no longer answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers.

! I mean, really, !

I did set up an appointment with a lawyer to get advice and make sure I'm handling everything properly.

Fantastic!!

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

Changing your number is a huge hassle, and anyone who wants to harass you will find out your new number, guaranteed. In fact being unreachable can cause the abuser/stalker to escalate their behavior, and tipping them off may cause more issues. If this guy is as scary as we think, don't you think he's going to realize her number has changed and all of a sudden he can't reach her, and then ask her for her number? What then?

On this aspect of it, I'm pretty much in agreement with you, and this is a major reason why. I think it has the potential to make things worse, not better.

But again, the OP's lawyer will be in the best position to advise her about it.

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by pbear19

My advice would be to document everything, and send it in writing to your HR guys. Sometimes even when you think you've been perfectly clear, people don't get the message. Make absolutely certain that they understand the severity of the situation. If they refuse to take action at that point, or if in any way action is taken that would be negative towards you, at least you will have a written record of the communication and you can use that going forward, should you decide to take any additional action.

Email is fine, it doesn't have to be snail mail. But do get it in writing. If you have a phone conversation with HR, send them an email immediately following the convo, saying that you want to confirm the conversation. Then write up a summary of what was said on the phone and send it in.

Sometimes, as wrong as it is, people need to realize that you are serious about your discomfort before they will do anything about it.

Edit to add - I am so sorry you are going through this!!!! I hope that it works out in the end, and that you know that none of this is in any way your fault!!!

Agreed 100%.. your boss is not demonstrating acceptable behavior at all.

[texas*princess]

You can usually print out your phone logs online (to show his incoming calls).

I can at least, and I deal w/ Sprint. If you get your bill in the mail, the log may be on the back of the bill.

If you can't print it out online, or to get text messages you have deleted, I think your phone company can help you with this but you have to call them.

[RaggedyAnn]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

Prior to May, I deleted most of the texts and voicemails, because they repulsed me. After he started waiting for me outside the bathroom though, I've saved all of the texts and written down info about the voicemails. To give you an idea of how often he calls, last night I have missed calls from him at 10:48 p.m., 11:07 p.m., 11:12 p.m., 1:37a.m., 2:21 a.m. and 3:14 a.m. He didn't leave any voicemails, however. I also received 6 texts from him between 8:35 p.m. and 1:58 a.m. In the past, he has somehow blocked his number so it shows up as "unknown" so I also no longer answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers.

I did set up an appointment with a lawyer to get advice and make sure I'm handling everything properly.

I think contacting the lawyer was definitely needed at this point. Your next step might even be the police. This seems like stalking to me.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

! I mean, really, !

Fantastic!!

On this aspect of it, I'm pretty much in agreement with you, and this is a major reason why. I think it has the potential to make things worse, not better.

But again, the OP's lawyer will be in the best position to advise her about it.

Thanks. Sadly I am speaking from experience. After saying "this isn't going to happen anymore, don't contact me, we can't work it out" was worse than what had been happening. People (men and women) who are stalkers, abusers, and harassers will go to extreme methods to terrorize and manipulate to hurt and control the other person. Often it is turned around to where the perpetrator makes it look like the victim is really the perpetrator. My breaking point was having false police reports filed against me that made me look like I was victimizing him, so I couldn't even count on the police to make me feel safe and help me. Thankfully I had enough evidence and people to back me up he finally stopped. I know he is still doing stuff and keeping tabs on me, but it isn't as obvious and people are on to him.

The only part I blame on myself is that I let shame control me into not telling people who needed to know and could help me. These people count on embarrassment and shame of their victims. I'm a highly educated independent woman, with friends and family who are involved in my life, and that just made it worse to admit I "let this happen to me" but there wasn't a "let" involved, sometimes it just happens no matter how we protect ourselves. I genuinely thought he wasn't stupid enough to take it that far but the fact is these people aren't stupid, they are highly intelligent, charming, and diabolical which make them so good at affecting people. I learned so much about technology and how to spoof my phone number for calls and texts, fake my email address, and get onto my home wireless network (my idiot roommate didn't see anything wrong with letting him check his email and gave him the password).

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I said in one of my earlier posts that she should definitely keep the old texts, etc for legal purposes - I also said I'm dumb as a post and don't know how to do that.

I also got the impression that she's in a cube farm. My point is that for many jobs all you have to provide is ONE emergency number where you can be reached, whether or not it is a phone under your name. You do NOT have to give your cell, pager, private email, etc etc. We give up WAY too much of our private lives to work and have only ourselves to blame when shitty people take advantage. This has nothing to do with the OP - this is in general. Private life is private life and work is work.

I wasn't suggesting that you were wrong. I was sharing my experience where I did erase harassing messages and got the WTF? look from the police; hopefully I won't be harassed/stalked by a friend's crazy ex, but if I do I won't erase his messages!

You're right in saying that private life is private life; some of us, however, have jobs where we're not in the office all the time during business hours and need to be contacted. I'm all over the city at construction sites during the day--how could my company not have a cell phone/BlackBerry number for me? It's not as if my boss or even another co-worker is calling me on a Sunday night just to chat or harass me. One of my good friends is an executive assistant--we've been out on a Saturday night and she gets calls from her boss regarding a major deal that's going to go through on Monday. He tries not to do it, but sometimes it can't be avoided. Again, I'm just sharing my experiences, that it's not always easy to just "turn off" your cell phone in some professions.

[33girl]

Agreed that there are some jobs where you're offsite a good deal of the time - but if you have one of those, the company needs to sport you a cell phone, 100% on their dime. I sure as hell am not going to use up my personal minutes on whether or not the building on the cover of the Power Point presentation should have a green or blue welcome mat in front of it.

If you give people an inch they will take a mile. It's nice to think that everyone would be kind and considerate about things like that, but sadly, that's too often not the case - not even getting to things like sexual harassment. Then again, I'm sure my opinion at present is colored by some of the douchebags I've been working with recently who think everyone is there for their amusement or to do their bidding.

[paulam]

Originally Posted by baci

Absolutely the best advice!

Find a lawyer with expertise in this field and allow this professional to guide you in the proper direction. You don't have do to anything you do not want to do, but it will be money well spent. You should be able to focus with a clearer head after your consultation and not go down an incorrect path based on other advice found in various ways.

By doing a little searching, you may find an attorney who will not charge you for the initial visit while he or she decides if you have a viable case and you decide if you want to pursue a legal solution.

I would have the attorney write a representation letter, not to your boss, but to the company VP who is in charge of HR. The HR guy sounds like a jerk who intends to do nothing to resolve the situation. You will get an executive's attention if he believes there will be legal ramifications with media contact, bad publicity and a monetary penalty.

You are smart to document everything but print out those e-mails you sent home or you could lose them if your computer crashes.

Are there any other women in your office who have experienced something similar? Definitely talk with them...they will be an invaluable source of support.

Best of luck to you and please let us know what happens.

Paula M
Sigma Delta Tau
Patrae Multi Spes Una
One Hope of Many People

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by paulam

Are there any other women in your office who have experienced something similar? Definitely talk with them...they will be an invaluable source of support.

Unless her lawyer advises her to do this, I think this might be a bad idea. Since we don't have all the info, we don't know how something that appears innocuous might affect her case.

I think she's past our advice at this point: she's in her lawyer's hands now. (But you're in our thoughts, GM! Well, at least, you're in mine. Good luck!)