long distance relationships

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I miss nittanyalum.

Me too.

And, I've discovered this summer that the "man of my dreams" isn't. So, it wasn't meant to be, and that's ok.

[annabella]

I mean, if she's not on the internet and everyone else is, that's kind of long-distance, right?

In other news, I just made it home from the airport, right after midnight, due to my long-distance insistence.

[joliebelle]

I guess I should update my own post

I got accepted to a graduate school in Chicago just like I wanted, and I start Tuesday. I'm actually at my boyfriend's now, and in comparison to our other visits, this one seems alot less rushed...we have time to enjoy each other's company more since we know that we'll be seeing each other more often. Between my class/work schedule and his work schedule, we're going to try and see each other 2x a month and hopefully move in together in a year or so.

[Kappamd]

I didn't know there was a thread for me to be miserable in.

My boyfriend is in a PhD program at Penn State and I am in medical school in Ohio ~4 hours away. It's only been 3 weeks, so we'll see how this situation evolves, but I think we're going to try to see each other at least once a month....its hard because both our schedules are so crazy. We've been dating for almost five years, so breaking up seemed silly (plus neither of us wanted to), but we're looking at a loooooong time apart. Sigh.

[MidwayManiac]

When I graduated college, my significant other and I moved in different directions and we tried to keep it going as a long distance relationship. We didn't make it. In the end this was a good thing. In a lot of ways an LDR is a test of the strength of a relationship, particularly one where you were geographically together before going long-distance.

When it was good, it was pretty good. We talked on the phone every day (and this was before the advent of the all-you-can-eat cell phone and internet phone so that's a lot easier now). It was important to be able to tell each other about our days and what it was like in our new lives in our respective cities.

Also, being totally honest here, we were comfortable with, umm, intimacy over the telephone (blush) which helped us cope with being apart and kept us feeling close.

Also the reunions were fantastic, after being apart. It wasn't that unusual to finally get out of bed to realize we had to start thinking about where to go for dinner . . .

In some ways the good parts of the LDR gave us a false sense of the "goodness" of the relationship. If we saw each other every day there may not have been as many moments that set off the fireworks (in a good way). Being chronically apart kind of leads to every moment together being a "big ticket" moment. For me these are much easier to navigate than the day-to-day moments of a non-LDR.

The bad part of the LDR was the feeling of going to parties, etc., and seeing other people with their real-life bf/gf in tow and realizing that a part of you was missing . . . and not knowing how to ever become whole. Being apart also gives each partner a chance to do a lot of thinking. In our case we saw that we were not right for each other, despite our ability to create the fireworks. We were also each growing attached to our new lives and neither wanted to give that up.

I echo those that say having a plan on how the distance gap will be closed is incredibly important.

Very best of luck to the OP and to all others in similar circumstances!

[WCsweet<3]

Originally Posted by MidwayManiac

The bad part of the LDR was the feeling of going to parties, etc., and seeing other people with their real-life bf/gf in tow and realizing that a part of you was missing . . . and not knowing how to ever become whole. Being apart also gives each partner a chance to do a lot of thinking. In our case we saw that we were not right for each other, despite our ability to create the fireworks.

Three more weeks until I have to face that again. Sigh. Does summer have to end? I don't want to move! Plus this year, since I'm living in, visits will be shorter since the boyfriend only has one day off a week so there is no point in renting a hotel room for him to stay the night which means I'll get to see him for maybe part of a day depending on classes and then he will have to drive home. I mean our situation is much better than when it started (102 miles vs 2400 miles) but it still is going to suck.

I'm beginning to resent my phone.

[DrPhil]

I've never done a long distance monogamous relationship.

I knew that I require too much quality time and face-to-face, one-on-one attention and interaction for a LDR.

[KSigkid]

I'm a terrible phone-talker; seriously, I can't talk on the phone to anyone for more than 10-15 minutes. For that reason alone I never would have been good in a long-distance relationship.

[Kansas City]

I would say that just about my entire relationship with my now husband has been long distance. I think that it makes both of us stronger individuals that create a very loving couple.

We started dating 15 years ago while living in the same college town. We didn’t expect the relationship to last over the summer while being 2 hours apart but when classes started up again, we were able to pick up where we left off. He graduated the next year and moved 8 hours away for grad school. We would talk on the phone for about 20 minutes per day (pre-cell phones and unlimited minutes) and have weekend meetings at a hotel half-way in between about every 6-weeks. The final semester of my senior year, I only had classes on Tue/Thu so I would make the drive about every 3-weeks to spend long weekends with him. Eventually, I graduated and he had another year of grad school. We were now just 6 hours away and continued to speak daily and meet up whenever we could. Eventually, he graduated and was successful in finding a job near where I lived. We got engaged shortly thereafter (5 years into the relationship) and moved-in together when we got married a year later. Now, after nine years of marriage, I feel as though I am still living in a long distance relationship because his job takes him all over the country for months at a time. Somehow, we are still able to make it work.

I am of the belief that long distance can work if the two individuals are strong enough to handle it. A couple has to be willing to give each other the trust and independence to make it successful.

[Munchkin03]

I did an LDR my senior year of college and in my first year of graduate school. I would not do it again, even though the relationship survived for a few years after we were in the same city.

It worked well for me at the time. It really allowed me to really focus on my work during those two crucial years. Also, the culture at my college regarding relationships was more along the "pretend marriage" route (that ironically DO NOT end in marriage), and I knew that wasn't for me. In fact, I was hanging out with one of my best girlfriends from college, who was in one of those relationships from sophmore year onwards, and she clearly expressed regrets about letting her relationship--which she knew was going nowhere--take over her social and academic life because "everyone else was doing it." I know that's not healthy, and not everyone does it, but that was my college for you.

I wouldn't do it again because I know a lot more about myself than I did 7 years ago, and how I'm not really a phone person. Finally, I'm at the point in my life where I want to settle down and being in an LDR is not conducive to settling down without major sacrifices on one or another person's part.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Also, the culture at my college regarding relationships was more along the "pretend marriage" route (that ironically DO NOT end in marriage), and I knew that wasn't for me.

LOL at "pretend marriage."

One of my friends has been living with her bf since sophomore year of college and SHE refers to her own relationship as "a pretend marriage" or a "trial marriage." She's not even joking either. She is also 27 years old and swears they're "getting married" this year (every year).

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by Kansas City

I would say that just about my entire relationship with my now husband has been long distance. I think that it makes both of us stronger individuals that create a very loving couple.

We started dating 15 years ago while living in the same college town. We didn’t expect the relationship to last over the summer while being 2 hours apart but when classes started up again, we were able to pick up where we left off. He graduated the next year and moved 8 hours away for grad school. We would talk on the phone for about 20 minutes per day (pre-cell phones and unlimited minutes) and have weekend meetings at a hotel half-way in between about every 6-weeks. The final semester of my senior year, I only had classes on Tue/Thu so I would make the drive about every 3-weeks to spend long weekends with him. Eventually, I graduated and he had another year of grad school. We were now just 6 hours away and continued to speak daily and meet up whenever we could. Eventually, he graduated and was successful in finding a job near where I lived. We got engaged shortly thereafter (5 years into the relationship) and moved-in together when we got married a year later. Now, after nine years of marriage, I feel as though I am still living in a long distance relationship because his job takes him all over the country for months at a time. Somehow, we are still able to make it work.

I am of the belief that long distance can work if the two individuals are strong enough to handle it. A couple has to be willing to give each other the trust and independence to make it successful.

Wow. That was such a great story, all I could do was just sigh at the end.

[lovespink88]

Alrighty, lovespink88 needs some tips on how to make an LDR more bearable.

We live a few states away. It's a 2 hour plane ride (15 hour car ride...not gonna do that). We try to flight out as much as possible but I'm trying to save vacay days for the wedding next year and he just really can't take time off, since's a teacher. Flights are also $300-$450 each, so that adds up quickly!

We talk as much as we can but his first year of teaching has proven to be extremely demanding. He's a huge perfectionist and therefore, he's not a quick worker (not that this is a bad thing at all!) Take that and add it to the fact that he's also coaching and he is easily working 65 hours a week. So because of this, our communication from Mon-Thu is limited to a few texts, usually just a few before bed every night. We do usually get to make up for it over the weekend--we'll spend anywhere from 6-10 hours total video chatting over the entire weekend.

Any other tips for what we can do to help ease the pain of the distance? In particular, I'd like to think of things I can do to cheer him up. Yes, I'm down about this too, but I'm thankful that I have my family and friends to support me. He's currently living in a town where he doesn't know a soul, and I can tell the loneliness is getting to him, which breaks my heart.

Here's what we've been doing so far:

- videochatting
- watching movies/TV series together while video chatting (lol, just tried this out yesterday, actually worked pretty well!)
- playing online games together, anything that's multiplayer that we can keep up and still keep video chat going in the background to talk works well
THANK GOD FOR TECHNOLOGY, btw...

I also sent him a care package when he first moved out there and I just bought a bunch of fun cards to send and I'm going to try to send one a week.

People in LDRs (or who have been in LDRs) what did you do to make the distance easier?

[txpacer]

^^
Letters and care packages are the best! Especially when schedules keep you from being able to see each other to do nice and thoughtful things.

If he has time, you could ask him to take a picture a month or something of a new place that he has found. This could be a cool restaurant, a beautiful park area, or a museum or whatever. That way, he is getting out and about and also feels like he is doing something that is directly contributing to the relationship (because, of course, you two will be able to look through the pictures and then actually go to those places and experience them together).

We also fall asleep on the phone together. We'll just put our phones on loudspeaker and talk until we pass out.

If I can remember other things that you haven't already mentioned that we've been doing for the past couple of years, I'll try to remember to post them.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by lovespink88

Alrighty, lovespink88 needs some tips on how to make an LDR more bearable.

We live a few states away. It's a 2 hour plane ride (15 hour car ride...not gonna do that). We try to flight out as much as possible but I'm trying to save vacay days for the wedding next year and he just really can't take time off, since's a teacher. Flights are also $300-$450 each, so that adds up quickly!

We talk as much as we can but his first year of teaching has proven to be extremely demanding. He's a huge perfectionist and therefore, he's not a quick worker (not that this is a bad thing at all!) Take that and add it to the fact that he's also coaching and he is easily working 65 hours a week. So because of this, our communication from Mon-Thu is limited to a few texts, usually just a few before bed every night. We do usually get to make up for it over the weekend--we'll spend anywhere from 6-10 hours total video chatting over the entire weekend.

Any other tips for what we can do to help ease the pain of the distance? In particular, I'd like to think of things I can do to cheer him up. Yes, I'm down about this too, but I'm thankful that I have my family and friends to support me. He's currently living in a town where he doesn't know a soul, and I can tell the loneliness is getting to him, which breaks my heart.

Here's what we've been doing so far:

- videochatting
- watching movies/TV series together while video chatting (lol, just tried this out yesterday, actually worked pretty well!)
- playing online games together, anything that's multiplayer that we can keep up and still keep video chat going in the background to talk works well
THANK GOD FOR TECHNOLOGY, btw...

I also sent him a care package when he first moved out there and I just bought a bunch of fun cards to send and I'm going to try to send one a week.

People in LDRs (or who have been in LDRs) what did you do to make the distance easier?

I've been in them without reliable phone and/or internet access and I could send mail but receiving it was difficult, so it got interesting.

When I was in the field and coming back in a few months I'd send stuff home but also it kept my luggage light. When I was in a town with access I'd always text or call, take a picture with my camera, etc. since our schedules never meshed and my phone was often out of service so he'd send me texts and leave messages I could enjoy at my leisure. I also have arranged with friends back home to make deliveries of cards, notes, little things, on my behalf that I purchased or arranged for them to purchase ahead of time which was really fun since it was a total surprise and I'd have different people do it.

Since you are in contact though, you can send things in the mail, send e-cards, or random texts and pictures if your plan allows it. Or maybe you could both make a goofy kind of "advent calendar" to get through the long periods. Get small things or make little notes, take pictures, get silly and creative then send them to each other to open at set times between visiting each other so you're creating memories at the same time with mementos that will be around to remind each other. You could open them on webcam while having "dinner" together. Find a book you both want to read and have your own private book club, it doesn't have to be new so you could get it from the library for free.

If I remember right, he is in a new city you eventually plan to move to? I know a couple who buy Groupons or Living Social deals for the other and to use when one visits the other. You mentioned he was staying in on the weekend so you could always scope out his new area and see if there is anything related to his interests or hobbies and if it isn't too costly get him a ticket to an event at a park or zoo after hours that features nocturnal animals (horrible example) or even restaurants to try off of yelp so you don't have to eat somewhere crappy if he's scoped it out first

Even though it is 15 hours you could also investigate places in between the two of you could meet on a holiday weekend, as I think you both have straight up interstate to travel on. Other than planes, I'm pretty sure there is a daily train that runs direct and though it is a few more hours than driving one of you could drive part way to meet the other or take trains and meet along the route. Amtrak puts up weekly specials so it is worth checking out though travel can't be done on Friday or Sunday but since he's a teacher his school may plan have a schedule that is more flexible for him to ride a train and for you to meet him.