For the ladies.. "Why aren't you married?"

[RBL]

Just a question!!!

Many of the responses have been "Still working on a degree" or I haven't accomplished what I need to " before marriage. So do you ladies honestly beleive that you can't be married unless you are accomplished? Does anybody beleive that in a marriage you should struggle together having that helpmate to get you though the good times and the bad? Sometimes I think we(men and women) justify not being married on the fact that we are still in school or God hasn't shown us the one(now this is important but many of us hang on to that as an excuse rather than that being the true reason), and I'm not together. No one person will ever be all together. No I'm not married but I will be one day. When I look at marriages that have lasted 30 or 40 years many of them werent complete(per se) as individuals but they in a way completed each other, that is what I hope to be blessed with one day. I understand that relationship dynamics have changed from what they were 30 years ago but the essence of it remains the same.

[jojapeach]

Don't forget that working towards that degree means focusing on academia, group meetings, etc. that goes towards that goal. With all of that time, concentration, and effort going towards that advanced degree, there isn't much time leftover to nurture a new relationship or keeping the flame exactly where it is in an established relationship. Ultimately, if your S.O. isn't very understanding, s/he will feel slighted, ignored, etc. Isn't that a common reason for a failing relationship? Wouldn't it be better to avoid all of that turmoil by waiting, especially if you already know you won't think twice about focusing your energy on your academic goals and ignoring everything else?

So, to answer your question, no, you don't have to be "accomplished" to be married, but I would rather be in a more stable, comfortable lifestyle. Plus, if I have dated my fair share of men and have determined that not one of them is "The One", it's not an excuse that I'm still happily single in my mid-20s; it's reality.

Maybe I'm an oddball of a sista that's knocking on 27, but marriage is not one of my lifetime goals. If I get married in the future, then it will be a complement to my full, happy existence. If I never get married, then I will look back on my decades and smile because I'll remember that MARRIAGE DOESN'T EQUAL COMPLETION. To sum it up, marriage is not the end-all to me because I'm just not the kind of woman who must have a man at all times. *insert Dave Chappelle doing Lil Jon: YEAAAAAAAH!*

[LB1914]

I was married for about 2 1/2 years and neither of us were really "established". I will tell you from first-hand experience that it is difficult to try to nurture a marriage in the midst of attending school or trying to find that "good" job/career. Our parents' generation was a little different, but we also have to keep in mind that in those days many people stopped at their BA or BS or may not have attended college at all. Therefore, even if they did get married at a younger age they were more than likely through with school and working at a job that they weren't planning on leaving anytime soon. People were also able to work at companies for years without fear of downsizing, outsourcing, or anything standing between them and retiring with that company. That is unheard of these days.

It is hard enough to sustain a marriage when you are merely working every day. Now, imagine trying to sustain a successful marriage when you are working 40 hours a week and in class several nights a week. Something is going to suffer. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases it is the relationship that suffers. With that being the case, it is more feasible for most people to complete their education before settling down.

We are also in a generation where we are more flexible and more opportunities. It is easier to take that job offer in another city or state or take that scholarship to a school in another city or state if you are not attached. It is not impossible if you are married, but it is a different set of circumstances when you are talking about uprooting your spouse and/or your children. All in all, there are different strokes for different folks and most people in this generation are choosing to get themselves together before they embark on something that is supposed to be permanent. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[1browngirl]

When people ask me this question, it upsets me. As if to say, because I'm not married and have no children, that my life is somehow incomplete. I answer the question with a polite "I'm waiting on the right man to find me" and leave it at that. When the right one comes along, we will both know it. So at this point, while I'm single, let me get myself "skrate" first, let me finish my degree, get settled in a more satisfying job, and then if it's meant to be, i'll get married.

[starang21]

i can feel the trying to get established. i had this girlfriend in college who was up in arms about having my baby before she turned 30, and she 2 years older than i was. she also wanted to have a couple of years to not have kids and be married (piss poor grammar probably). that would have meant that had i stayed with her, i'd be married right now. well, moving that fast wasn't for me. the career path was something that i was looking for.

[abaici]

Originally posted by starang21
that doesn't work?

Only in Atlanta!

This question bugs me! I'm annoyed because a guy (high school classmate who I haven't seen in 10 years) asked me this question about a month ago.

I gave him an indignant no to the marriage and kids questions. I then, asked if he was. He said no. Then I proceeded to yell at him. "Why the hell are you asking me then". I'm a little feisty at times.

Honestly, I've always wanted to get married. However, I love my independence. I'm not clingy. I like doing my own thing. In the 6 years that I've been on the open market (I was not EVEN considering marriage as a possibility until 21), I've only considered marrying one person. Heck, until a few months ago, I would have run away from the idea of marriage. I'm not ready.

Yeah, I'm in school and what not. But, that's not the reason why I'm not ready. Me, emotionally...not ready. I can be very selfish, moody, uncompromising, not good with relationship responsibilities (I'm constantly getting into it with guys about not calling enough),etc. I have things I need to work on. I am not opposed to growing with someone. But, I think you need to be in a certain place. I'm not there yet. I wanna be. I think the fact that I missed out on a good thing is forcing my behind on that road.

[aephi alum]

Why is it that people think it's ok to ask women those types of questions? As if a woman can't be complete/fulfilled/etc unless she has a ring on her finger and a couple of rugrats.

I am married, so I don't get that question, but I do get asked all the time when we're going to start having children. When I say "not anytime soon" they look at me like I'm nuts, but my husband and I have so much on our plate right now that we don't have time to have a child and give him/her the nurturing a child needs.

[Little32]

I was up at the park the other day, just sitting there enjoying the day, and this dude comes up to me and asks me if I am married. I say no. He said why not. I said why.

I am also one of those people who not certain that marriage is in her future. Not that I want to be alone when I am older, but I don't know aobut marriage. I believe in it in principle...I could be with someone for the rest of my life...but I don't know that most people understand the work that such a relationship takes. If I ever get married it will be for good, so I need a high degree of certainty about my potential spouse.

He went on to ask me if I had kids. Again, both of these questions imply that I am incomplete without one or the other.

[starang21]

so i'm assuming asking a woman why she's not married is NOT the way to get to know her?

[Little32]

Originally posted by starang21
so i'm assuming asking a woman why she's not married is NOT the way to get to know her?

There is a really easy way to determine if someone is married: look for a ring. If someone asks me that, I assume one of two things (given that I am not wearing gloves) 1) he's not particularly observant; 2) he sees that I have no ring and just enjoys asking stupid questions. Either way, that question ends up working more against him then for him.
A more appropriate question, if you are trying to get to know her, is are you seeing anyone.

[Eclipse]

Dear Abby's column yesterday touched on this...

Here's a bit from it:
DEAR ABBY: I had a great-aunt who lived to be 91 and never married. Her response to that question was, "Because I never met a man who deserved to be as happy as I could make him!" -- KATHRYN C. IN CINCINNATI
.
DEAR ABBY: I, too, was plagued by that annoying and rude question. I had the following posted on my desk at work for inspiration:
I'M NOT MARRIED BECAUSE:
(1) You haven't asked me yet.
(2) Because I just love hearing people ask me that question.
(3) My fiance is waiting until after the parole is granted.
(4) I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
(5) I already have enough laundry to do, thank you!
(6) I'm afraid my parents would drop dead from sheer happiness.
(7) What? And lose all the money I've invested in personal ads?
(8) I'm married to my career -- although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(9) If I married, I'd have to forfeit my $10 million trust fund.



To read more, go to:

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20040518

[lil_sunshine]

This list is fuuuuunnnnnyyyyyyy! I need to use that for myself.....

[NinjaPoodle]

When I was asked why I wasn't married, I used to say, "Just lucky, I guess."

I like! I Like!

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by BlueReign
Ladies,

I am curious as to how others respond. I get asked this question a lot and I get irritated at the person every time. How do you respond when people (mostly men) ask you this.

I say that I guess that I haven't met the right person and he hasn't met me.

SC

[jojapeach]

Originally posted by Little32
There is a really easy way to determine if someone is married: look for a ring.

That's not always the case. I've actually worked with two women who were happily married but just didn't wear rings. I never went into why, but to each his own. Does anyone know of any possible reasons in any religion(s) why a ring wouldn't symbolize the sacred bond of marriage?

BTW, I met a guy the other day, and after telling me that I was attractive, he asked me, "Do you want to get married?" In response, I actually laughed quite raucously because of this thread. I actually just said, "It's the last thing on my mind." That's my story and I'm sticking to it.