another wedding thread...bridesmaids questions

[guardedbystars]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I've been a bridesmaid in quite a few weddings, some with 12 girls some with just 2 or 3.

Just curious, is there a standard/traditional number of bridesmaids that one should have? How many is too many?

If you're married, how many did you have? If you're engaged, how many are you planning on having? Or are you not having any at all?

Also I've been in some weddings where I had to buy my dress/shoes/etc (which is the norm). I've also been in some where the bride paid for everything.

For those of you that are married, how did you handle your bridesmaid's expenses?

I know this is alot of questions but I just wanted to see what some of you girls think.

I was a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding this summer. It was in a historical hotel/inn/house thing. It had a couple of acres and the wedding was outside overlooking a river kind of near the woods at sunset. It was absolutely gorgeous.

I had to buy dress/shoes in the color that she wanted. We could pick the dress style, but the color was set, so we all had to get the dress at the same place. I also had to pay for getting my makeup done. She paid for getting my nails done. Her mom paid for all of us to get our hair done. I think there were five of us for about 120 people--I was the only friend from where she lives now, one was her sister, one was her [now] husband's sister, and the other two were her two best friends from home.

I also paid for a hotel room. Honestly, I could have driven home because I was close enough, but decided against it since alcohol and driving DO NOT mix.

Two of my best friends are going to be in weddings this summer. One's bridesmaid's dress is 250, plus 50 for shoes. She also has to throw a luncheon with the other bridesmaids which is about another 60 each [they split the cost]. They are also splitting the cost of the present which is about 300 total. They are throwing a bachelor-ette party for her which is another couple of hundred. She also has to travel for this wedding, although to be fair, it is only a few states away. Nevertheless, she is not happy with how much it is costing her so far.

It isn't cheap to be a bridesmaid, but it is priceless to be honored like that from a great friend. Honored does not equal the bride to be to act like a complete bridezilla.

[ASTalumna06]

A question for those of you who have been bridesmaids, and for those of you who have had bridesmaids at your own wedding:

How much money do you think a bridesmaid should spend on a wedding?

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding coming up in September. I live in TX, and the bride (and the wedding) are in NH. All of the bridesmaids are out-of-state, and the MOH is the only one who also lives in NH (there are a total of 8 of us). Most of us are far enough away where flights will have to be booked to get there.

The bridal shower/bachelorette party is in July. I will have to fly in for that, as well. We've just been informed that we have to cover the cost of the invitations, cake, and decorations for the shower, which is taking place at a nice country club.

We all have different dresses, but all of them were over $200. They were ordered from a bridal shop that is only in NH and they're being delivered there. So during the shower/party weekend, I have to find time to get to the store and try on my dress, which I'm pretty sure won't fit anyway (they don't design the dress specifically to your measurements). And the store doesn't do alterations, so I'll probably have to drag the dress back to TX, have it altered, then ship it back to NJ where my parents can watch over it until the wedding weekend. We've also been asked to buy a certain color shoe, even though the dresses are floor-length, and no one will probably see our feet anyway.

Also, the wedding is on a Friday, so I'll have to take an extra day off from work.

Between the dress, shoes, bachelorette party, bridal shower, gifts, hotels, rental cars, flights (for both me and my significant other), I figure I'm already in this thing for at least $3,000.

On top of that, I've had to turn down invites to two other weddings this year because I simply can't afford to attend them.

It just seems like the costs keep piling up. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that this is getting outrageous?

Perhaps it's because I can't even see myself spending $3,000 on my own wedding...

[carnation]

One of my daughters has been a bridesmaid in maybe 11 weddings? She's so tired of spending hundreds on other people's weddings. Bridesmaiding has gotten way out of hand.

[Xidelt]

That's ridiculous that you are expected to foot the cost for the shower and travel for both the wedding and the bachelorette party. Did you agree to host the shower? Were you even asked, or was it just assumed? It's OK to say no to some of this stuff. If you are traveling so far for the wedding, I would say no to hosting the shower and only fly up for the actual wedding. The bride should have known from the outset that having the whole bridal party out of state meant that not everyone could come to all of the pre - wedding festivities.

[ColdInCanada11]

Between all events, the dress, shoes, hair, etc, I spent about $1400 for the wedding I was last in. Considering that I skipped 3 different trips that I was in Ireland to save for it, it bothered me greatly, especially because I'm much closer with the people I would have been traveling with. At least she was happy with it.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

That's ridiculous that you are expected to foot the cost for the shower and travel for both the wedding and the bachelorette party. Did you agree to host the shower? Were you even asked, or was it just assumed? It's OK to say no to some of this stuff. If you are traveling so far for the wedding, I would say no to hosting the shower and only fly up for the actual wedding. The bride should have known from the outset that having the whole bridal party out of state meant that not everyone could come to all of the pre - wedding festivities.

No, we were never asked. I just got a message through our bridesmaids Facebook group that said the mother-of-the-bride has offered (yes, the word "offered" was used) to pay for the food for the shower, and she's asking that we cover the cake and decorations. One of the other bridesmaids did their save-the-dates, so she was also asked to do the invites, and the MOH said, "Of course we'll all pitch in for the cost of the invites."

I completely agree that if most of your bridal party is far away, you should take that into consideration when planning things. I think you should have to give a little to take a little (e.g. if you can't afford decorations and a cake, don't have the bridal shower at the nicest country club in town).

My significant other also told me today that I should skip the shower/bachelorette party. One of the other weddings I was invited to this year is for a sorority sister, and I really want to go - the wedding is in PA the weekend before the shower/party, so I'm considering skipping out and attending my sister's wedding instead. But then I don't want to be the only bridesmaid to not show up that weekend.

Not sure what to do!

[sigmagirl2000]

I had 8 bridesmaids. 2 from NYC came to my shower and bachelorette party. Stepsister in FL, friend in PA, and friend in CA didn't make it to any pre-wedding festivities. The 3 local bridesmaids came to everything. I had 2 showers, husband's family paid for one entirely, my family paid for the other entirely. (1 in CT, 1 in MA). My bridesmaids paid for the dresses ($156), and 4 have already worn the dress again. They could wear any silver flat sandals (I'm not even 5 feet and 2 of my bridesmaids are in the 6 foot range). So, I'd guess their average cost to be in my wedding was about $500.... including travel, 2 nights hotel, and dress. We fed them well.

I was just in a wedding where I thought it was a little extreme to expect us to spend 2 nights in a hotel just under $300 a night.... I'll shut up on that after your $3,000 story!

[agzg]

It can get very expensive. I think I maxed out at about $1,500 though. $3,000 is crazy and far too much.

[ADqtPiMel]

This is relevant to me right now -- I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding with three other bridesmaids. I'm hosting the bridal shower very soon, as I'm the only local bridesmaid. I've spent approximately $1k on the shower.

My dress was around $200, flight for the bachelorette party was $300 (our lodging is free), and will need to be in a hotel at the wedding venue for four nights at around $150/night, plus a rental car to the wedding. We can wear shoes we already own, but we will need to pay to get our hair done.

[IndianaSigKap]

This is all completely out of hand. I understand that the bride wants to have a special day, but at the expense of your friends, I don't get. The last wedding I was in was such a disaster that I am not sure I'd do it again. The wedding was on a Friday. I couldn't take off because it was our last day of school. Luckily, the principal got teachers to cover my last two classes so I could leave. When I got there, the bridesmaids were getting their make up done by Mary Kay consultant and they expected me to split the total price with them. I had told them I am allergic to Mary Kay early on and if they used MK I wouldn't be participating. Then when it was time to get the bride ready, I was the only one who helped. The other BMs ate and watched the grooms' toddler twins eat Cheetos then try to touch the bride's dress. Only one other BM did anything to help out.

Meanwhile the BM dress was BUTT ugly and couldn't be altered to fit right. It was completely uncomfortable. She insisted we get these ugly cheap shoes that caused blisters on my feet before the ceremony. Thank god my dress came in wrong twice and I got a refund each time, so I ended up getting it for $65. My cousin's daughters now wear it as a princess dress. :-)

This was both the bride's and groom's second marriage and luckily we got out of throwing a shower because the mother of the groom explained since they both had households a shower was tacky and NOT going to happen.

We did not speak for a good 6 months after the wedding. It was that bad.

[Xidelt]

A Mary Kay rep charging to do makeup? That's shady as hell. They aren't supposed to charge for that. I mean, you're just sitting in front of a tiny mirror putting cosmetic samples on your face with q-tips. Mary Kay ladies aren't supposed to put the make up on your face since they aren't licensed cosmetologists.

[IndianaSigKap]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

A Mary Kay rep charging to do makeup? That's shady as hell.

Exactly. She says she's also a make up artist, but those faces told another story.

[WCsweet<3]

I don't think I have spent more than $600 as a bridesmaid. The dress is usually $150-200. Shoes $100. $50 on the hair, but I refuse to allow others to do my make up as I have super sensitive skin. That leaves $150-250 for gifts. I've never been out of town from my bride though.

[KSUViolet06]

This is an interesting read especially since I posted it before I got into weddings as my "fun job" few years ago (more on the consulting and visuals side.)

With that said, there is no set amount for what a maid should spend.

However, I will say that it is imperative for the bride to consider her bridal party and their financial situations in her planning.

Example: I have clients who are 22. The vast majority of their maids are either in college or fresh out. So it makes no sense for her to plan on Amsale gowns, a Parisian bridal shower etc. when her party is not in a position to afford it.

In contrast, if you're 40, and your maids are all higher paid professionals, etc. the gifts, flights, more couture dresses are not as much of a strain.

So it just depends on your party and where they are in life. I shy away from "dear Lord, that is too much money" because what is expensive to some is not at all for others.
Just depends on the financial constraints of the party.

[southbymidwest]

Very good points KSUViolet.

Back in the dark ages when I got married, I paid for all of my bridesmaids' dresses because none of them were local (all over the US), and I knew plane fare to the closest airport, Toledo, OH was going to be eeeespensive. I also paid for them because bridesmaids dresses back then (80's bridesmaids dresses seemed to mainly fall into two categories: floor length puffy sleeve taffeta in an array of rainbow colors dontchaknow, or long quiana slinky kind of wrap things, also in a rainbow of colors...) could never, ever be worn for any other occasion, as they just screamed bridesmaid dress no matter what you did to them. No J Crew dresses back then! I just could not make my dear friends who were just a few years out of grad school or finally in a decent job pay-wise pony up for a one shot orchid colored dress. I also liked the idea of not really caring if they all liked the dresses or not, as I had paid for them. and really liked those dresses.

Not sure what we will do if/when the daughters marry (assuming that they do not elope or marry in their 30's and foot the majority of the bill themselves) as there really are dresses now that can be used again for other functions, but we will probably pay for something-either dresses or hair/makeup-we shall see, as neither one of them is engaged at this point. No sense putting the cart before the horse. Or so I tell myself as I look at the lovely wedding dress thread ...