Dating advice

[cheerfulgreek]

I need some serious advice. I'm sure some of you have been in my shoes. A classmate of mine told me there was this guy who had seen me on campus and wanted to meet me, but I didn't know what this guy looked like. She said he was really sweet, so I asked her to describe him and when she did, it didn't ring a bell. She wanted to know if it was o.k. to give him my number. I asked her why can't he ask me for it, and she told me he's really shy, so I thought about it for a minute and then I told her to give it to him. Well, he called me and he sounded really cute on the phone, and we had so much in common. We talked for hours. We set up a time to meet each other, and when I saw him, I was so not attracted to him. He's a big guy, and he has a lot of facial hair with pitts in his face. He looked kinda rough. Some girls would have thought he looked hot, but I like clean cut, clear face guys, plus I don't like really big guys like that. I was very disappointed. Now he keeps calling me and wanting to study together, and I don't want to be mean to him, but I feel kind of sorry for him. He was telling me all the fraternities he took interest in rejected him. How sad. Then he put me on the spot and told me he found me very attractive. I thanked him and changed the subject. He got back on the subject and asked me what I thought about him. I told him I thought he was nice. Then he asked me if I see him like he sees me. I told him no, but he keeps calling me. My sorority sisters find it funny and whenever he comes over they let him in, even when I tell them to tell him I'm not here. I don't know how to tell him I don't find him attractive I've never been in this kind of situation before, I would feel so bad if I hurt his feelings. Any advice?

[James]

Lie.

There is no good way to tell someone you don't like them.

There are only bad ways to tell someone you aren't attracted to them.

So just tell him you have been chatting with some guy you are interested in or something . . . and if it comes up, say you thought you two were friends.

Not that you just want to be friends, but you thought you two already were.

Its a little bold of him to be visiting you out of the blue at your sorority house based on a couple phone conversations . . . did you guys hang out a few times or something?

And when you say big, do you mean muscular (athlete bodybuilder) or overweight?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by James

Lie.

There is no good way to tell someone you don't like them.

There are only bad ways to tell someone you aren't attracted to them.

So just tell him you have been chatting with some guy you are interested in or something . . . and if it comes up, say you thought you two were friends.

Not that you just want to be friends, but you thought you two already were.

Its a little bold of him to be visiting you out of the blue at your sorority house based on a couple phone conversations . . . did you guys hang out a few times or something?

And when you say big, do you mean muscular (athlete bodybuilder) or overweight?

Well, I made a boo boo on the phone before I met him. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told him, I just recently broke up with my X. I was telling him stuff like good guys are hard to find and most guys are pigs, stupid stuff like that. I wasn't thinking straight. I'll take your advice and tell him I thought we were just friends and hopefully he'll get the idea. I just don't want him to call me anymore nor do I want him hanging out in my room with me. Whenever I see him he tries to hug me, and that really bothers me.

I only went out with him once, and then we studied in the library once. Since then, whenever he would call me and ask me out or to study with him, I would make excuses of why I couldn't. Then one night he just showed up at our house. I thought that was really bold too. He's been over here more than once. The 1st time, my sisters let him in not knowing that I even went out with him. After he left, they asked me about him and I told them I wasn't attracted to him. Since then, they tease me about him and let him in every time he comes over. He already knew what sorority I'm in. I'm sure he saw me with my sorority on campus. We're together a lot. Plus I'm a cheerleader and I'm sure he's seen me at games and stuff. Kinda scary to know that he had been watching me all that time, and I had no clue. I tried asking some of my sorority sisters if they were attracted to him, thinking maybe one of them would go out with him instead of me. None of them find him attractive, plus most of them have boyfriends.

No, he's not overweight. He's like really muscular and big. I don't really like big athletic guys. I like cute guys with nice bodies and all, but not muscular like him. I like smaller guys. I guess a nice bod for me is not a nice bod for most women.

I just want the phone calls to stop, I want the visits to stop, I want the calling my name across campus when he see's me to stop. Help.

Thanks for your advice.

[Scandia]

He does not sound like my type either. And it seems like we share the same type in guys.

You gave him a chance. Do not go out with him because you feel sorry for him- or even because you just want someone even if there is nothing wrong with him.

Just let him know that you want to be just friends. In a polite way, of course. He sounds decent and like he would understand- so no need to be blunt, much less rude.

[valkyrie]

Tell him you're not interested, period. Don't take his calls. Tell your sorority sisters it's not funny to let him in the house when you don't want to see him. Cut that shit off now or it's not going to stop -- and what's worse, feeling bad about hurting his feelings or dealing with him following you around for who knows how long? Until you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested, he's going to keep trying.

Also, in the future, if a guy is too much of a pussy to ask you for your number, don't tell anybody it's okay to give it to him.

[AKA_Monet]

Cheerful,

Sweetheart, if you like the guy generally as a friend, you can tell him that.

Otherwise do whatever you wish.

But it seems like you had a decent conversation on the phone.

I dated a guy like this and I told him straight up why I was repelled by him. Can you believe he lost weight just because I said he was obese! Also, the next time I saw him, he was very handsome and very thin. Too bad I screwed that relationship up, he was a millionare...

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by valkyrie

Tell him you're not interested, period. Don't take his calls. Tell your sorority sisters it's not funny to let him in the house when you don't want to see him. Cut that shit off now or it's not going to stop -- and what's worse, feeling bad about hurting his feelings or dealing with him following you around for who knows how long? Until you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested, he's going to keep trying.

Also, in the future, if a guy is too much of a pussy to ask you for your number, don't tell anybody it's okay to give it to him.

I backup what valkyrie says.
Do not tell him, "I just want to be friends", because from what I am reading, I don't think you want to be friends with him at all. It sounds like you want him out of your life entirely. You need to be strong and firm (but not rude), and tell him that you are not interested. If you do not try to put a stop to this now, it could (potentially) lead to much worse, stalker problems later (and if you don't think you can do this on your own, please do seek out help from others who have expertise in this area).

If you aren't sure as to how to be assertive (without being aggressive), seek out the counselling services on campus. I'm sure that this is a situation that the counselling service is well familiar with, and they should be able to coach you on things to say to him; things that are firm and direct, but are not aggressive and will not "insult" him.

You also need to get your sorority sisters to stop allowing him into the house. If you cannot get your sisters to comply with your wishes (and out of respect for you, they should because he is making you uncomfortable) then you will need to enlist the help of the House Mother (if there is one) or Campus Security. Your house is meant to be a place of safety and sanctity. Your sisters might think that this is "funny" to
a) get a laugh at his expense and
b) get a laugh over your discomfort
but it is not a funny situation whatsoever. It makes you creeped out and uncomfortable.
If any other developments happen, please tell us. Good luck and God Bless.