joke of the day

[honeychile]

Keep 'em coming! I love jokes! In fact, I love them so much, I was married one for a while!





farfrompoopin - I'll have to remember that!

[James]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!!

And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows

HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED

OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find

the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD

for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them

2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID

light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE

WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER

CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF

RUBBISH THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE

AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!!!!!!! I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

[James]

Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: A PBS mind in an MTV world
Posts: 20,502
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[LucyKKG]

So my dad had a dog that was half Rotttweiler and half St. Bernard. He was a pretty confused dog though. He ripped off my dad's arm then went for help.

----

Ugh, I was gonna tell another one but it's SO not funny if you don't hear it in person.

[sceniczip]

Originally Posted by James

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

LOL so glad this got bumped!

[xxstardust]

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAIIINNNSSS. GRAIIIINNNSSSS!

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by OTW

Hahaha....niiiice.

Wait - is OTW actually banned, and why?

I know I've really been on a couple minutes a day for the past year or so, but WTF???

[LucyKKG]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Wait - is OTW actually banned, and why?

I know I've really been on a couple minutes a day for the past year or so, but WTF???

Woah, that's news to me, too!

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by LucyKKG

Woah, that's news to me, too!

So, that post I just quoted now says "Unregistered User" with 0 posts.

Did OTW get John to delete her account?

I'm so confused.

[LucyKKG]

Got another joke!

So there was a Blonde Convention of about 1000 blondes, and one day they had a meeting and they wanted to prove to the world that they are in fact smart. The speaker pulled a random participant from the audience and announced that she would ask her some math problems to prove that blondes are not dumb.

The speaker asked, "What's 84 + 25?" The girl said, "Umm...ummm...200?" "No, no, that's not it."

Then the crowd got excited and said, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

So then the speaker asked, "Ok, what's 20 + 40?" And the girl said, "Ummm...50?" "No, sorry, that's not it."

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Finally the speaker asked, "Alright, what's 2 + 2?" The girl thought about it and said, "Ummm....4?"

"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

[IlovemyAKA]

I'm also confused about the OTW situation.