Divorce: Why is it So Prevelant?

[lovehaiku84]

Hmm. Do any of you think that age or length of courtship/relationship prior to deciding to be married plays into whether or not a couple will end up getting divorced? A good friend of mine who is only a couple of years older than my own 21 years of age is planning a wedding with someone she's only been involved with for about 3 months. She feels that she is ready and that this is the man that God meant for her to be with. Since she is my friend I support her and in general I personally think that it doesn't ALWAYS depend on age or length of courtship.

[Conskeeted7]

I don't think that the length of courtship or age have as much to do with divorce as the expectations for marriage, values, and personalities of the individuals. There are some 40 year olds who are not ready for marriage. They are some people who have been dating for 3 years and still don't feel they are ready for that step. It's so hard to say whether someone will be more likely to divorce just because of age or something like that. However, if your values are different and one person expects something different from marriage, you will not last.

[DC_Zeta1920]

I do believe age does a play a role in this. I knew a couple who were married at the age of 18 and 19. Their marriage lasted for about 6 months.

[lovehaiku84]

Wow. My cousins were married at 19 and 20, and they are still going strong 20+ years later!

[James]

Should marriage be the ultimate goal in relationships with the opposite sex?

We live in a reasonably affluent society. Religion and morality aside, is marriage really necessary? Arrangements can be made for children out side of the traditional marriage.

I think in the last few decades the idea that Marriage is more about "love" than socio-economic partnership has changed people's tolerance for being in relationships were te spark begins to die.

But if marrriage is the end result of romantic love, can we reproach people that desire to leave a marriage where that romantic love has faded to a mere affectionate or comfortable friendship?

Or is marriage a promise to stay with someone even when all romatic love has passed away?

[Marie]

This is a very good topic.

Dr. Phil gave a statistic that said 75% of marriages where the couple are under the age of 25 when they marry fail, while only 25% of marriages where the couple are over the age of 25 when they marry fail. Now, he didn't give his source or any of the supporting evidence, so I can't vouch for the validity of this. However, this has stuck in my mind since I heard it. I wouldn't let this dictate my life in terms of whether or not I got married, but I do recognize that there is a lot of growing & changing that happens the first few years out of college. Maybe this has a greater affect on a relationship than someone who may be in their 30s and has a fairly stable life/career.

As for choosing a life partner, when I look at couples who have marriages that last 50-60 years, I don't think that they have the same kind of love that they may have had as newly weds. It definitely is more of a respect/companionship/appreciation for one another type of love, and they definitely have pushed through some rough years. While I would get married today for the "passionate, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I can't live a day without you" sort of love, I don't expect to feel that exact same way 60 years down the road. However, I would be greatly looking forward to the "you're my best friend, look at all that we've been through, we've created children, grand children and great-grand children together" kind of love that exists later in life. I guess it just depends on the individual as to whether or not they'd be satisfied with eventually just companionship and respect as well as whether or not they are willing to weather the storm to make it to the golden years.

[starang21]

celebrity marriages?

come on now.

that's an oxymoron.

[AKA_Monet]

How many of y'all have been married, still are or have gotten divorced...

(And Soror BBT7, Soror WenD08 and AGDee and some others I know about cannot answer this question because I already know your answers...)



James,

You raise a very good question. I think for SOME women, yes, marriage is the end all, be all of a relationship with a man.

And MOST of the time it is because of religious AND morality reasons for folks who do get married. Not all the time, but most of the time.

The minute I got engaged, my mom was already ordering the cake, placing the location at a church and choosing my china patterns... All she needed was a solid date...

The fact that I, nor my now husband, wanted a HUGE (500+) wedding with ice sculptures and how we foiled the plan by eloping is still a bone of contention with my mom, my MIL and me... And YES, it is ALL about "morality" and "duty" and all that "being good daughter crap"...

But, I think one has to get married to see what it's like to be married and how to behave in a marriage. Aside from the hardwork and time to just be with somebody "strange" at sometimes plus or minus kids, it's tough. It's a 9 to 5 job. And I do think American society does a piss poor job of preparing its citizenry for this challenge--regardless of sexual preferences...

Since I really never lived with somebody for any length in time, I cannot comment on that. I chose not to live with my husband before we were married simply because I felt I was too old to "play house" and "wait and see what it's like". I know what I wanted and I knew I wanted my husband to be in my life. My husband says the same thing. I believe him. But that's because we both were in our 30's when we got married.

And YES, age does play a role nowadays. Long time ago, the reasons for getting married were to procreate with a formalized name (meaning = money). And the fact America was an agrarian society. The huge switch may have occured when the Nixon administration changed our monetary system to our gross national product rather than the gold standard--or I think it was the Nixon admin, I could be wrong with my presidents... Anyhow, I don't know if this is cause or effect in marriages as it relates to how our monetary system is organized. But I do know that financial stability is imperative in any maritial relationship with a breadwinner (ironically)...



Soror AKA2D91, and others:

As far as "celebrity marriages". LA DOES NOT CONDONE 1 ON 1 RELATIONSHIPS!!! I'd say MOST of SoCal does not--maybe pockets of the O.C. does, but even then these things are suspect... Reason #2 why I chose NOT to get married in SoCal...

Even if the couple marries elsewhere and resides in SoCal--I'm sorry, there are so many other opportunities and temptations there that defeats the purpose of marriage so fast.

Like they really do not have "family style" dining anymore in any "reputable" restuarant... And purchasing a home is a sport in SoCal for only the rich and infamous--no benefit for a two-income family--like some HUGE marriage penalty tax--because folks pay state income taxes and the FTB LOVES to collect... And EFF being married with children in SoCal, hayle too many other legal options available for child support and collection. Why be married??? Forget that a stable home environment is conducive to a child--at least that is what the experts say... But who cares? It's all about me.com anyways...

I mean in Dallas, TX, they had "family days" for all events--made me feel like a total outsider when I was single there... Like I had a 3rd eye or something...

Well in Seattle, there is little purpose to getting married out here, but not quite as bad as it is in SoCal--aside from the fact that the pickings are slim in SoCal...


And if my relationship fails for whatever reason and I pray to God it does not--but reality check has to always be in effect, I dayum sho will get divorced in SoCal...

[Conskeeted7]

If there is a difference in the rate of divorce from people who marry young, I think it is because the majority of young people are likely to believe in the fairy tale of marriage. They have little experience managing a household on their own. Their money management skills may be lacking. Someone who is 19 or 20 hasn't quite discovered what they want to do with life yet and that can be difficult to go through with another person. The spouse may not be understanding or may be going through the same dilemmas as well.

However, there are mature young people who have lived on their own and have experiences with married couples that may show them some of the reality of married life day to day. On the other hand, someone who is 35 when she gets married is more likely to have her own place and is used to dealing with money, had goals in life, may have accomplished some, and is just more settled overall.

I still think that morals, maturity, values, and committment will determine your success in marriage more than any other factors.

For the record, I'm happily married.

[southernelle25]

Shoot, y'all said it all.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by Conskeeted7
If there is a difference in the rate of divorce from people who marry young, I think it is because the majority of young people are likely to believe in the fairy tale of marriage. They have little experience managing a household on their own. Their money management skills may be lacking. Someone who is 19 or 20 hasn't quite discovered what they want to do with life yet and that can be difficult to go through with another person. The spouse may not be understanding or may be going through the same dilemmas as well.

However, there are mature young people who have lived on their own and have experiences with married couples that may show them some of the reality of married life day to day. On the other hand, someone who is 35 when she gets married is more likely to have her own place and is used to dealing with money, had goals in life, may have accomplished some, and is just more settled overall.

I still think that morals, maturity, values, and committment will determine your success in marriage more than any other factors.

For the record, I'm happily married.

Soror Conskeeted,

I just have a question: Don't you think that 20+ years ago, it was a lot easier for young people to be married than it is today? Forget the fact that being married at "17" was expected and the norm back in 1965, but my question is more related that the "quintescential [sp?] nuclear family of the 1950" made it easier for young people to handle marriage than that of today...

I dunno, I'm just asking--I just saw Spike Lee's "She Hate Me" movie and it raises a lot of questions on the "concept of family"--especially now during this "wonderful holiday season"

Hayle, marriage is tough for folks who marry older and are older. Financial understandings aside, it is plain tough, generally speaking...

But as far as "happily married Christmas card"--that I have. That part I do enjoy... Folks are still saying to my husband and I that we are newlyweds and it's now been 2.5 years... And we still haven't had the "official honeymoon"!!! Oh well...

[Conskeeted7]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Soror Conskeeted,

I just have a question: Don't you think that 20+ years ago, it was a lot easier for young people to be married than it is today? Forget the fact that being married at "17" was expected and the norm back in 1965, but my question is more related that the "quintescential [sp?] nuclear family of the 1950" made it easier for young people to handle marriage than that of today...

I dunno, I'm just asking--I just saw Spike Lee's "She Hate Me" movie and it raises a lot of questions on the "concept of family"--especially now during this "wonderful holiday season"

Hayle, marriage is tough for folks who marry older and are older. Financial understandings aside, it is plain tough, generally speaking...

But as far as "happily married Christmas card"--that I have. That part I do enjoy... Folks are still saying to my husband and I that we are newlyweds and it's now been 2.5 years... And we still haven't had the "official honeymoon"!!! Oh well...

I think it's tougher to be married because the moral fabric of our society has changed drastically from the 50s. Marriage is not valued by many people, single or married. Divorce is seen as an option. 50 years ago, you were talked about and estranged from the social scene if you were a divorcee. There's none of that now. People have nerve and flaunt their infidelities. You hear 'baby mama' more than you hear 'wife.' Marriage was supported by the entire family. Now, you hear parents suggesting that their children live with a person before they commit to marriage. You see grandparents whose grandchildren have 5 different dads and that's ok with them. Because of 'political correctness' people are afraid to say anything offensive. So, we just nod at the couple with 3 kids who have been living together for 5 years and he cheats regularly. We turn our heads when we see a married man at the club dancing witha hoochie mama. No one has stepped up to preserve the integrity of marriage. So, that's why I thihnk it's harder now.

People say to us that we seem like newlyweds too. They are surprised to hear that we've been married and known each other as long as we have. But I hate to admit that it's rare to see someone who's happily married. How awful is that? I'm glad that you're enjoying the perks of married life too Soror Monet. You'll get that honeymoon. But they one you're on now is even better

[Exquisite5]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
How many of y'all have been married, still are or have gotten divorced...

I am married, but have been so for only four months.

I think Soror AKA Monet raised a GREAT point, the view of divorce in this country is regional. I am from Houston and divorce is not even a option for me. For me, getting divorced is paramount to not passing my upcoming bar exam, I would be mortified and feel like I colossally let myself, my husband, and everyone I know down. Now this just has a lot to do with the way I think and even more with the fact that I HATE to fail, but to me I vowed 'till death do us part, not 'till irreconcilable differences.

Again, I am only four months married, so maybe in 10 years I will feel different, but I have always felt this way (even before marriage) so I pray I don't change. I would only allow myself to get divorced if I was being perpetually cheated on or abused, but even then I might just move out and live asexually (not if he cheated) for the rest of my life. I don't know, but it would take a LOT for me to go back on my word to God, although in this day and age of no fault divorce I suppose if my husband really really wanted out, I could wind up divorced without ever agreeing.

[unspokenone25]

Originally posted by Conskeeted7
[B]I think it's tougher to be married because the moral fabric of our society has changed drastically from the 50s. Marriage is not valued by many people, single or married. Divorce is seen as an option. 50 years ago, you were talked about and estranged from the social scene if you were a divorcee. There's none of that now. People have nerve and flaunt their infidelities. You hear 'baby mama' more than you hear 'wife.' Marriage was supported by the entire family. Now, you hear parents suggesting that their children live with a person before they commit to marriage. You see grandparents whose grandchildren have 5 different dads and that's ok with them. Because of 'political correctness' people are afraid to say anything offensive. So, we just nod at the couple with 3 kids who have been living together for 5 years and he cheats regularly. We turn our heads when we see a married man at the club dancing witha hoochie mama. No one has stepped up to preserve the integrity of marriage. So, that's why I thihnk it's harder now.

So true...so true.

I'm going to bring a different perspective to the topic. I'm not married (would love to be one day) and it wasn't until I got into an "adult" relationship of three years with my significant other "s.o." that I realized that I was not prepared for everything that an "adult" relationship had to offer. By "adult", I mean what it truly takes to make a relationship work (e.g., the sacrifice of time, money and self). I can honestly say that as much as I love my mother (single mom) for preparing me for my life, she did not totally prepare for me being in a relationship with a man. I had to learn (at almost the cost of my relationship) that there are things that you shouldn't say to your s.o., what disrespect truly means, how sometimes your s.o. has to come before yourself, not to take the past out on your mate, etc.

I could go on ad nauseum but the question is this, can black parents do more to prepare their children for the committment of marriage?

Also, my mother did not have me in the church like she should have at a younger age. Church (or what ever religious institution you choose) gives you lessons on how to deal with people and foster relationships. Church was the reason why so many couples back in the day stayed together. Through the teachings of God, they were able to make it work.

[AKA2D '91]

Originally posted by Exquisite5
I am married, but have been so for only four months.

Congratulations!