Tricky sorority-side rush question

[33girl]

Originally posted by Zillini
Something else and I hate to say this because it sounds so harsh and uncaring, but as an advisor it is my responsibility to look after the well being of the entire Chapter in addition to the individual members. You mentioned you are all looking forward to her moving into the house so that you can "keep an eye on her behavior and get a better idea of how to handle it." This might not be a good idea and I was actually told by our org's Grand President (who conferred with a lawyer) that we should not knowingly allow a member with an eating disorder to move into our house.

But unless she has admitted the disorder and is in treatment for it, they don't know for sure she has an eating disorder. It's not like having cancer where you have a written diagnosis from a doctor.

I understand what you're saying, but unless we're talking someone who's been actually hospitalized or treated I doubt anything legal would hold weight.

[valkyrie]

It sounds like the women are trying to help her and she makes excuses and denies having a problem. Honestly, if I were in that situation -- if I had a problem and denied it when confronted, if anybody went to student health or called my parents behind my back, I would be LIVID. I would probably leave the sorority and never talk to them again -- that's how angry I would be. Whether it's legal or not (and I wouldn't be too quick to make assumptions about that because the law differs from state to state), it might not always be a good idea.

[Little E]

I'm sorry, I don't understand uber competitive rush. But she is your sister, you need to be supportive and not hide her like a bad habit. Maybe she is only roated in once, and maybe that is during the first time so the PNMs are overwhelmed to begin with and it won't get too noticed or you do it at the end when they've been through a few parties and start to relax. Whatever. But to hide her is just sad.

I think sisterhood is reality. There is nothing perfect or ideal in it. It is the real world where people have problems and being part of the sorority means working with the issues your sisters face. A woman who is going to cut you because you have an anorexic sister? I personally would say good riddens. Why do you need such a judgemental snob in your house? Besides, someone who does have such and issue is probably not going to be helpful in helping this anorexic sister deal with her issues and if she is loud could make it much much harder.

I wouldn't mix people based on diversity, go for personality compliments. To be honest, if you put her next to someone overweight she will look worse. Her personality will probably be what comes out the most and remember that it isn't like she is a transvestite, she's anorexic. Chances are that the PNMs have seen, know or have personal experice with this. Give her a chance.

[Hownowbrowncow]

Originally posted by Zillini
It's none of my business, but what exactly have you done to help her?

The basic approach we've tried is to have people in the chapter who are close to her voice their concerns. However, she's not willing to admit that there's a problem...most of the weight loss she'll attribute to training for a fitness event (marathon, triathalon, etc.). So we're not just sitting around and waiting for the issue to resolve itself, but until she's willing to ask for help, we're pretty limited in our options.

As far as having a speaker come and talk to us, as she's not able to acknowledge that she has a problem, I sincerely doubt that listening to one is going to bring about that ephiphany moment where she realizes that she needs to get help. We've had similar programs in the past, and there have been several campus programs recently that have addressed eating disorders, so I doubt that one more is going to make much of a difference.

Not allowing her to move into the house would be, in my opinion, extremely counterproductive. All legal issues aside, by yanking away her place to live, we'd be adding a nice topping of stress to her life in addition to everything that she must already be going through. In past cases of this issue (though nowhere near as extreme) in the chapter, living in has been really helpful. For example, our house mom has talked to parents of girls we/ she has been worried about.


And as far as the rushing deal goes...I think we're putting her in as a bump (floater) in one of the first two stages. After that, we do a lot of specialty rushing, so she'll be talking to girls she's made a connection with already...no worries about those who are on the superficial side (and who might tell tales to their friends) being paired with her.

Sorry this is so long...I have a verbosity problem.

[honeychile]

Originally posted by valkyrie
It sounds like the women are trying to help her and she makes excuses and denies having a problem. Honestly, if I were in that situation -- if I had a problem and denied it when confronted, if anybody went to student health or called my parents behind my back, I would be LIVID. I would probably leave the sorority and never talk to them again -- that's how angry I would be. Whether it's legal or not (and I wouldn't be too quick to make assumptions about that because the law differs from state to state), it might not always be a good idea.

Understandably. But when you talk about mental health - under which anorexia falls - student health or a doctor or clinic have an obligation to report her, if not 302 (commit) her.

It's actually easier to do this to someone than most people think (even for a non-professional), once you know the system.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by honeychile
Understandably. But when you talk about mental health - under which anorexia falls - student health or a doctor or clinic have an obligation to report her, if not 302 (commit) her.

It's actually easier to do this to someone than most people think (even for a non-professional), once you know the system.

Right, which is why I would be BEYOND ANGRY if someone reported my problem to student health or a doctor.

I mean, sure it's possible that reporting her to student health or a doctor could result in her getting treatment, thanking her sisters and living happily ever after. It could also result in her quitting the sorority and losing what might be the only support network she has, or worse. I just don't think it's safe for a bunch of people on a message board to be telling the original poster that she must report this girl's problems to someone -- I don't think it's that simple, and want to present the other side.

[Little E]

Discussing the situtation, while keeping her name private, with someone who is WELL trained in this area could maybe help. But the OP asked us about rush advice, not helping with the anorexia, maybe we should trust they are doing what they can at this point.

[LightBulb]

I know this is a little off-topic, but I PM'd a few of these links to Hownowbrowncow and thought some others on this board might find them helpful.

SomethingFishy.org is a comprehensive website supporting eating disorders recovery.

Gurze.net is a website selling e.d.-related materials - books, videos, etc.

EDReferral.com is a database of eating disorders professionals to help you find one in your area.

National Eating Disorders Association is a huge philanthropic organization related to eating disorders awareness, prevention, and recovery.

ANRED (Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders, Inc.) tons of information about specific eating disorders (not just anorexia) - symptoms, statistics, causes, and warning signs, as well as more specific topics (such as eating disorders and pregnancy, diabetes and eating disorders, etc.).

Sad... if I remember correctly, the number of college women with symptoms of bulimia (if not the disorder) is like 1 in 5.

[christiangirl]

Hownowbrowncow,

Just to play devil's advocate for a minute, let's say her excuses make perfect sense (and they do, really). Is there any other proof that you have that would be reason to tell an authority, or make any other moves to get her treatment? Have you seen any behavior that might back up your suspicions other than "she's extremely skinny?" I'm just trying to help--b/c if you are really serious about getting her help, you're going to have a lot of explaining to do. Before anyone will stick their neck out and intervene in this young woman's life, they're going to need really good reasons and a bunch of them. Look up the "signs" of someone who may have anorexia and see if they apply to your sister, then you'll seem more credible and have more of a reason to do whatever it is you plan to do. Because if you aren't 1,000% positive that her problem isn't some sort of illness or stress or training, then your case won't be solid when you lobby to get her help. It could majorly backfire and her trust in you guys could disappear and that's the last thing any of us want for her.

[dukedg]

Maybe this seems ridiculously simple, but have you asked this woman if she wants to participate in recruitment? As I believe someone mentioned earlier, many times women with eating disorders suffer from esteem issues. Maybe she would rather not be judged by others during rush? AND you could talk to her about this without debating her (potential) eating disorder.

[Phigirl04]

A little over a year ago a left a residential treatment center for my eating disorder. At the time I left I was very involved with a co-ed honor fraternity, they were as a group unsupportive and pushed me away because of what they thought people would think. No one offered help or anything of the nature. Because of the way I was treated, I kept in touch with some of the brothers but in general I wanted nothing to do with the group when I returned. I joined a social sorority when I returned, and when I was going through recruitment I was still visibly sick. I was still quite underweight and exhibiting many of the signs of an anorexic, and some of the groups were quick to release me, but I found my home because I found a group that was willing to support me during the rest of my recovery.

Letting her participate in recruitment (if she wants to) may help her gain self-esteem or help her reach out to someone going through recruitment with the same problem (if she does truly have an ED). But to just push her out to some extent will make her feel that she has no one left or that she's a failure. The worst thing for someone with an ED, because it just reinforces the eating disorder and that she's not good enough.

On top of that, someone said that it's very easy to commit someone with anorexia or bulimia, truthfully it may be easy to get them committed for 72 hours in a psych. ward but this will do little to help them and may actually reinforce their behavior or make them close themself off to even more people. Getting someone real help is difficult, going through proceedings to force someone into treatment rarely work in most states because of the information required to get them court ordered into a program. (I'm saying this from personal experience and things I learned from others in my treatment programs). I had a heart attack before I could be forced into anything, and even then, they could only keep me in the cardiac icu. I had to agree to going inpatient into a facility for eating disorders.

My advice, talk to her and be there for her. Suggest but don't force anything because keeping the lines of communication open is more important than anything.

[sugar and spice]

honeychile, once someone is over 18 it is very very difficult to force them into treatment for an eating disorder. You essentially have to go through the court system and convince the judge that this person is basically slowly killing themselves -- and that is harder than it sounds. Most women who don't get treatment for their eating disorders before age 18 never go, and even then, it is practically always because they've chose to make a change. As the poster above said, a therapist may be able to get them committed briefly, but that will do nothing for the eating disorder -- in fact, I bet that 9 times out of 10 it would make it worse.

Personally, while I understand the dilemma, I think it would be a bad idea to put her in the kitchen. Speaking as someone who has suffered from eating disorders, I would have had a breakdown if my chapter had tried to put me in the kitchen. No matter what reason they gave me for it, I would convince myself that it was because I was too fat. While I agree that first impressions are important during rush, and this girl may give off the wrong impression, if you treat her like something's wrong it probably will affect her mental health -- and I'm assuming that's not something you want on your conscience.

I like the idea of pairing her up with a rusher who is healthy looking, but if that's not possible, I would honestly just proceed as if everything is normal. Chances are that unless she's frighteningly sick-looking -- i.e. she looks like a cancer victim -- the rushees will probably not even notice. Even if she's really thin, they may just assume it's genetic. You may be taking the rush portion of this too seriously. If I was rushing a house and was rushed by a very skinny girl, even if I did realize that she had an eating disorder, I wouldn't let that reflect on the house itself. Given the staggering number of women with eating disorders, there probably isn't a sorority on campus that doesn't have at least one girl with an eating disorder.

For those of you advocating "getting help" for this girl -- while your intentions are in the right place, you have to realize that eating disorders are extremely complicated and some of your behavior may just be fueling the problem. For example, there are some women who use their eating disorders to seek attention, and any interventions or attention from professionals may just push her to starve herself further. When I got attention from people for being "too thin" or my friends told me that they were worried that I didn't eat, I secretly felt proud of myself and vowed to go even further with my eating disorder. Other times, girls use eating disorders as a way to deal with difficult family relationships, and contacting her parents may just lead to drama/fights/issues that will push her even deeper into using the eating disorder as a coping method. I know both of the above were true for me. And if the sorority tries to push things beyond this girl's comfort level (by contacting her parents or pushing incessant e.d.-related programming on the chapter or whatever), she may end up getting so upset with them that she might leave the sorority, and then you'd have no way of helping her.

Of course, you don't want to let this girl deal with her issues in a vacuum, and sororities can be a very positive vehicle for helping women with eating disorders (contrary to popular sorority stereotypes, when our chapter president had an eating disorder a few years ago, it was her sorority sisters who convinced her to seek help for it). But usually help for eating disorders comes in a more passive form, rather than an aggressive one. When someone is over 18, it's almost impossible to force them to get help, and if they're far enough into the eating disorder, any attempts to force them into treatment will likely end up in them cutting ties with the "forcer" instead -- whether that person is their mother, their boyfriend, or their sorority sister. It's sad, but almost any action that is meant to help someone will in fact usually push them further into eating disordered behaviors. As valkyrie said above, once someone is over 18, it is pretty much up to them to decide they need help.

[33girl]

This sounds really shallow in light of the last two wonderful posts, but something else to consider is what you're wearing. You might want to go with pants and shirts that cover a little bit more rather than short shorts and strapless sundresses.

[Phigirl04]

Actually, it's not shallow at all. I know I dressed to hide my eating disorder. So, having the outfits cover more might make her more comfortable and make it harder for the PNMs to notice how skinny she might be.

I also wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your chapter in this difficult time. Please, stay strong and be there for her in any way you can.

[ZetaGirl22]

I don't necessarily know if this woman will be upset if you confront her parents with your suspicions. One of my sisters when I was a collegiate suffered from anorexia and it was another one of our chapter members who told her mom about what was going on. If the she hadn't said anything, my other sister most likely would not have gotten treatment and would not be here today. I think she may have been a little annoyed at first, but she did remain active throughout her treatment and recovery. We all cried when we watched her eat her first french fry out of treatment. In fact, our senior year, she was the senior speaker at our preference and in her speech, she basically said that if it weren't for Zeta, she would be dead, so this is something to think about. She may be annoyed at first, but you will ultimately be saving her life.