Great Sex Fiasco of 2005

[jharb]

Originally posted by amycat412
She should not be reading your journal. You are an adult.

Do you live at home? Move out.

Now this sounds familiar!

[AKA_Monet]

AlphaGamDiva--

Like folks said, it's too late now...

I hope it was good for you though... I hope your partner used protection and you used some form of birth control...

I guess you have not learned much about the emotional recourse of sex.

Your folks love you so much they just do not want someone taking you for granted and using you as their sex doormat. Then, that becomes a question of trust on their part. And it becomes a question of maturity on your part.

Why did you have sex with this person before you were married is the question they may have in their mind... You needn't bother telling us, because dude, that's TMI, but really, I wonder what folks concepts of sex really are--especially when you say 1950's style of thinking and your dad is deeply depressed about it...

Wow, based on what I've done in my life, my parents would have committed suicide a while ago... Talk about living through your child--who's a legal adult who made a decision... DAYUM...

[sugar and spice]

Tell her that everyone knows that any information you acquire via dishonest methods (i.e., hacking into their email, searching through their drawers, reading their journals) is not fair game for discussion.


Really, though. You can't take back the sex. If she thinks you're a whore, so be it. Why do you care? She's obviously not treating you with respect, so why are you waiting for it?

[AOIIalum]

Originally posted by sugar and spice
Tell her that everyone knows that any information you acquire via dishonest methods (i.e., hacking into their email, searching through their drawers, reading their journals) is not fair game for discussion.

I definitely agree with this response considering you are of legal age. If you had wanted them to know you would have told them. Big ditto on the move out advice if you live at home.

You don't have anything to explain or answer to, or to feel guilty about. I've seen Kentucky Southern Baptists in action--and I was raised in a super strict Louisville Catholic home--so I hate to think of what you might be going through.

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

I disagree with most of what's been said.

(1) Move out. Now. In with friends, in a shitty little efficiency, whatever you need to do. At 23 it is not healthy for your growth as a person to continue living at home. (Not saying it can't be done - just that this clearly isn't a workable situation.)

(2) Do not apologize for disappointing them, explain your decision, etc. If your stance is, "I'm an adult, I make my own decisions," then BE AN ADULT. You made your choice, it was the right one for you, end of story. Smile, change subject, if it comes up again, leave the room.


Sounds like you need a little distance from Mom & Dad -- what gets discussed in Mom's Bible study class should NOT be a concern for you!

And get a livejournal. With a creative password. You don't *have* to give people the link, you know.

[AlphaGamDiva]

eep.

the problem is this: i just moved back home 2 wks ago. i got suckered into being back in the house b/c my grandparents offered to help pay for me to be in school full-time (as opposed to my part-time now) only if i moved back home. they are giving me $500 a month for school, as long as the remainder of it doesn't go to rent. there lies the problem. the boy has offered for me to just move in with him b/c i'm there all the time anyway, but that would just create more problems and i'm afraid they wouldn't pay for school. i pay ALL my other bills myself, but i can't afford school. the only money they give me is my tuition, and if they cut that off, i'm screwed. which is why i'm TRYING to not be like "fkuc off, bitches" about this b/c i'm afraid of the retaliation.

everyone is so right about my mom not playing fair with the whole journal catastrophy, and i've already said what everyone has said about it. but she comes back with this whole, "you're my child, i don't care how old you get, you're my child.......you don't respect our beliefs.......you don't care you stress us out....you don't think about us......selfish.......we don't hate you, we're worried that you'll end up pregnant or dead" blah blah. and i can understand what they are saying, and i DO respect their beliefs, i care that they are stressed out. but they don't care about my opinions (hello, ex b/f) or that i have a God given right to make personal choices. i'm supposed to be perfect....do what they say, when and how they say it. and that's impossible.

i have no regrets about anything that's happened, and i told my mom that hoping she would at least see that i made a decision on my own, am living with it, and am ok with it, but who knows. the funny thing is, she was like, "well, is he the only one?" (talking about the current) and i couldn't even stop myself from making the "oh, mom" face....she just walked away.


LAWD!

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
eep.

the problem is this: i just moved back home 2 wks ago. i got suckered into being back in the house b/c my grandparents offered to help pay for me to be in school full-time (as opposed to my part-time now) only if i moved back home. they are giving me $500 a month for school, as long as the remainder of it doesn't go to rent. there lies the problem. the boy has offered for me to just move in with him b/c i'm there all the time anyway, but that would just create more problems and i'm afraid they wouldn't pay for school. i pay ALL my other bills myself, but i can't afford school. the only money they give me is my tuition, and if they cut that off, i'm screwed. which is why i'm TRYING to not be like "fkuc off, bitches" about this b/c i'm afraid of the retaliation.

everyone is so right about my mom not playing fair with the whole journal catastrophy, and i've already said what everyone has said about it. but she comes back with this whole, "you're my child, i don't care how old you get, you're my child.......you don't respect our beliefs.......you don't care you stress us out....you don't think about us......selfish.......we don't hate you, we're worried that you'll end up pregnant or dead" blah blah. and i can understand what they are saying, and i DO respect their beliefs, i care that they are stressed out. but they don't care about my opinions (hello, ex b/f) or that i have a God given right to make personal choices. i'm supposed to be perfect....do what they say, when and how they say it. and that's impossible.

i have no regrets about anything that's happened, and i told my mom that hoping she would at least see that i made a decision on my own, am living with it, and am ok with it, but who knows. the funny thing is, she was like, "well, is he the only one?" (talking about the current) and i couldn't even stop myself from making the "oh, mom" face....she just walked away.


LAWD!

Okay but here's the thing. SHE'S RIGHT. You *are* living under her roof, and you *do* have to go by their rules while you're there.

There are lots of families who can deal with changing the rules as the kid gets older.... or charging for rent, and letting the kid have her own life. But I think most families end up like yours (and mine I speak from experience) where the parents are still coming from a "This is *our* house, you will go by *our* rules" and the frustrated kid is trying to fight it.

The bad part is, though, you don't have a leg to stand on -- you're 23, you're living at home, and your parents clearly aren't ready to treat you like an adult. Does this make it OK for them to disrespect your privacy, etc? Of course not. But it's a pretty typical problem.

I say, unless you're graduating *this* semester, move out. Look into loans, scholarships, etc -- it'll take you longer, but it'll be better for (a) you, as you exert your independence and (b) your relationship with them.

This is what I would do in this situation:

(1) Move Out. Look into scholarships, grants, loans for school.

(2) Continue to Go to School Part-Time and Get a Part-Time Job. Granted this will take you a long time to complete school but a degree is a degree no matter how long it took you to complete.

(3) God Gave People a Free-Will. I was unfortunately raised a Southern Baptist but where I went to church believed in a God-given free will. Basically, people are going to do what they want to do and that's life. No need to feel guilty unless you committed a crime (i.e. murder).

I say good luck. I know how it is to have strict, conservative parents because I have a pair. My mom was scared to death I was going to have sex, get an STD, and get pregnant so I wouldn't be able to complete school. I said, "It's my choice. It's my body. I know what I want to do and that's what I am going to do." Granted, I haven't had sex yet but if I wanted to then I would. End of story.

[PsychTau2]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
"you're my child, i don't care how old you get, you're my child.......you don't respect our beliefs.......you don't care you stress us out....you don't think about us......selfish.......we don't hate you, we're worried that you'll end up pregnant or dead"

1. You can respect their beliefs and not agree with them. You can agree with their beliefs but choose to behave differently.
2. YOU aren't stressing them out over this....they are CHOOSING to be stressed out. If you were pregnant and unmarried, THAT would be stressing them out. Right now, they are CHOOSING their reaction to this.
3. "We don't hate you..." Dude, next time they said that, I would tell them "The way you are reacting to this and the way you are treating me sends me the message that you do hate me right now. If you truly don't hate me over this, then let's agree to take 24 more hours to feel hurt, upset, disappointed, etc. over this incident, then let's choose to MOVE ON by not bringing it up again or by not worrying about it again. That aspect of my life is not up for discussion anymore unless I APPROACH YOU for guidance. Details will not be shared in so that you won't have an opportunity to be "stressed out" anymore." Give 'em the 24 hours, then hold them to the agreement (if they agree) and refuse to discuss it further.

I wish you the best with this. You are in somewhat of a tight spot (living with the family in order to get school paid for)...at some point you may have to reevaluate whether or not that's really the best arrangement. In any case, don't let them keep pulling you into discussion/arguments/guilt trips over this. Once it's all been discussed, it's all been discussed and doesn't need to be rehashed.

And prove to them that you are a respectful, honorable women by NOT SHARING DETAILS (or additional info)!!! (They won't think you're honorable b/c you had sex, but if they ask, you can point out that an honorable woman doesn't share these details when asked. If you know what their beliefs are, use a little reverse psychology on them!!!

(Another aside...my grandmother is Southern Baptist and those people in her church do nothing but GOSSIP about each other!!!! One reason I defected....

PsychTau

[AlphaGamDiva]

Originally posted by HotDamnImAPhiMu
Okay but here's the thing. SHE'S RIGHT. You *are* living under her roof, and you *do* have to go by their rules while you're there.

There are lots of families who can deal with changing the rules as the kid gets older.... or charging for rent, and letting the kid have her own life. But I think most families end up like yours (and mine I speak from experience) where the parents are still coming from a "This is *our* house, you will go by *our* rules" and the frustrated kid is trying to fight it.

yes, i am living in their house, but i hope to GAWD that their rules don't extent to outside the house. as long as i'm not doin the nastay in their house, that shouldn't be a problem.....right?!?!?!?!? and believe me, the LAST place on the planet i wanna go do it is this house.

and i already have a job (the same freakin serving job i've had for 2 ugly years now)....but going full-time does not work out with my job.....the time i leave school vs. the time i have to be at work is off. so, i've gotta figure that out asap. i'll only be able to work 2 days a wk, so unless i get an efficiency/move in with the boy, i'm stuck. i try to convince myself that it'll only be 6 months....but still.

psychtau.....the 24 hour rule sounds lov-e-ly....we'll try that and see how it goes.

thanks, guys! honesty is nice, and i'm glad to know i'm not a total weirdo here.

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
[B]yes, i am living in their house, but i hope to GAWD that their rules don't extent to outside the house. [b]

I agree with you -- it shouldn't. But think about it. If you were doing drugs and they kicked you out because of that, your argument probably wouldn't really fly, right?

All I'm saying is, they can require whatever they want of you for you to live in their house, free, past the age of 18. You decide if it's worth the price. And that sounds like pretty high "rent" to me.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
eep.

the problem is this: i just moved back home 2 wks ago. i got suckered into being back in the house b/c my grandparents offered to help pay for me to be in school full-time (as opposed to my part-time now) only if i moved back home. they are giving me $500 a month for school, as long as the remainder of it doesn't go to rent.

Am I the only one who thinks that this is a very sneaky and manipulative way to control her and get her to do what THEY want her to do????

My mom does the same thing. Just because she gives me money occationally to help with my rent (my job doesn't pay squat), she thinks that she has the right to know how I spend every penny that I have. I disagree.

I think this is one of your biggest problems. Money given to help you get through college should NOT be given with conditions. I think this is very wrong on their part.

[AKA_Monet]

AlphaGamDiva--

It sounds like your folks lamenting on your choices are about losing their "little girl" and facing the fact that you are all grown up now... Moreover, it sounds like you are acting like a rebellious teenager where your folks can talk you out of doing "dangerous liaisons"...

First off, your mom has come to realize that she is getting old--no longer the "young frisky thang" that she use to be before she got married to your father. How much did she give up to have her family? Did she finish college? Does she have a high falluntin' career? Those kinds of things--fear of the unknown are freaking her out--she has NEVER BEGAN TO THINK OF HER LIFE OUTSIDE OF HER CHILDREN!!! The fabled, "empty nest" syndrome...

Secondly, your dad may not understand all these "female problems" that are going on and believes what his buddy's are telling him at local church men's group, rather than what your big picture really is...

The fact that your grandparents have stepped in to maintain control with $$$ suggests to me that they are all spooked that you will make poor choices--suggesting that you are immature in their eyes. And really, by the tone of your arguments, you are behaving rather juvenile--I wouldn't say immature, but why must you seek approval from your family when you say you are an adult? Adult conversations take on adult privacy...

Now you have to decide if YOU YOURSELF are making the BEST choices for YOU and for your OWN APPROVAL!!! Not God's, not your families but YOURNS!!! Basically, you must bare your own cross now... Suck it up and do it...

Most likely, your family will NEVER cut you off--they are incapable of doing so--they love you too much to do that. You must believe that about them. At the same time, if your mom is nearing 50 something and is perimenopausal, dude, your mom is going through HAYLE right now and no wonder she freaks... But that is not your responsibility to have reins over you... You have to decide how you want to live your life ultimately...

I personally think you outta do the part-time job thing and part-time school thing and get an efficiency and not live so high on the hog for at least 2-3 more years. Read "Young, Fabulous and Broke" by Suze Orman and start to save your money.

See, you are doing things that your family has probably seen very few women EVER accomplish in their lives. It is a matter of 1 more year before they start to marry you off... What do you want out of your life, really?

I think you have some huge dreams that have never been dreampt[sp?] in your family before, i.e. becoming a supreme court justice, etc... And they have NO idea as to how to get you there, so they want you snap back into their reality, which they KNOW is safe and your heart won't get broken into 1000s of pieces and to where they know how to protect you--rather than their fear of losing you to all that "who ha" stuff...

So now your job with your family becomes to show them that you alone can make a difference...

Are you ready for that?

[FirstAndFinest]

Part of me says, "Write some disgusting, ficticious, details about some sex acts that would really make mom's hair curl!" But, that ain't right. But, if you are having trouble communicating your feelings to her, perhaps write them in your journal and leave it out for her to read. (That would be a great opportunity to "tell" her about any feelings of betrayal that you have for her invasion of your privacy! DOH!!)

Good luck. Living at home sux for adult children. I almost bit my tongue OFF when I moved in after separating from my ex-husband. And I was only at Mom's for 3 weeks!

[KillarneyRose]

Originally posted by AlphaGamDiva
help!!!
"if you have pre-marital sex, you'll end up looking like this: <insert picture of female with some nastay STD/big ol' pregnant belly and government cheese>"

Oh man, they pulled the government cheese card???? That's bad