Am I overreacting? - Page 2

valkyrie · #16 05-19-2005, 11:12 AM

This is part of the reason why I think the concept of bridesmaids is awful. Seriously.

BetteDavisEyes · #17 05-19-2005, 11:15 AM

You're definitely not overreacting. I think it's a slap to the face that your friendship would mean so little to her that she wouldn't have the balls to tell you herself or at least explain.
By all means don't go to the wedding if you don't feel like it. Just hang in CA, enjoy the sunny weather, & drink a margarita like I always do when I'm feeling pissy.

This sucks that it had to happen but at least you know where you stand in her life as far as friends go.

BTW, I agree w/polarpink that just tell her you're having a reunion with the AGD gals that weekend but wish her the very best in her life & new marriage. Just b/c you don't go doesn't mean you're not the bigger person. Why go if you're going to be bitter? Enjoy CA with your gals.

ISUKappa · #18 05-19-2005, 11:25 AM

I would definitely be pissed and hurt and upset. You need to find the time to talk to Aleathia, just the two of you, and tell her directly that you were hurt to find out the other two girls are her bridesmaids; not the fact that they are, but the avenue in which it was told you -- that you had to hear it on the interweb from one of those bridesmaids, not the bride herself. To me, that's the truly ishtty part. And there is no excuse for it. She could have told you before she asked the other girls; she could have told you after she asked the other girls; she could have told you at any time, but she didn't. I've planned a wedding. I know how stressful things can be and how you can forget things because you're thinking about a million details at once, but that is something she would not forget. And it sounds as if she's talked to the other girls about it, too. (which again, is really ishtty on her part, talking to them instead of talking to you about it.) Now, honestly, I have no room to talk because I would probably have done something similar, or emailed the person about the bridal party, but that's just because I hate confrontation. But, Aleathia knows you, knows how you operate and knows that you would much prefer to hear it straight up, from her, instead of this pansy behind-the-back crap.

As far as boycotting the wedding, can you look back in 10 years and say, honestly, that you have no regrets missing your best friend's wedding, even if you're not really close friends anymore? If, in a month, you can honestly say you'll have no regrets and you haven't worked things out between Aleathia and yourself, and you still don't want to go, don't go. It's not worth forcing yourself. But if you do think you can go and genuinely be happy for the bride and groom (which you are) and not let the whole bridesmaid issue affect your attitude, then go. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with being the better person, it's what ever is going to make you happier/feel better in the end.

winneythepooh7 · #19 05-19-2005, 11:29 AM

You know, as I get older, I have come to realize that it isn't worth it to my own sanity trying to make nice all the time anymore. Sometimes the best thing I have done to keep myself from getting all upset and crazy is to just not be "the bigger person". Also it is perfectly normal that we will grow apart from our close friends, it just happens since they change and we change. If this is going to upset you in anyway, I say fcuk her and just don't go. Hang out with your friends who actually do give a damn about you.

#20 05-19-2005, 11:32 AM

Seriously, I would be madder than ever before, but not going to the wedding makes YOU the bad guy. Meaning, everyone else will think you are throwing a fit. I know that sucks but this might be a time when you just have to be the grown up and be there for your friend no matter what. I know that's hard to say because I'm in a similar situation myself right now, but as ISUKappa said, don't you think you will majorly regret not being there, 10 years from now? Anyway, geez, that sucks. I'm really sorry, I hate it when friends hurt you so bad and dissapoint you like this. I hope everything works out.

FSUZeta · #21 05-19-2005, 12:21 PM

gosh, i am speechless! it is unbelievable that someone would let you do all her local running around, checking out potential wedding and reception sites and all the other stuff you did, and then not even give you the courtesy of a phone call to let you know who was going to be in the wedding party. as we say in the south, "dahlin', that is just too tacky for words!"

i had a similar surprise when i was in college. one of my best friends from hs was graduating early from a nearby university and was getting married. she invited 2 of her college roommates to be in the wedding(fine with that) and also a girl from our hs a year younger than us. this girl had never been as close a friend as several others of us had been with the bride to be. just like you, i was insulted that the bride did not choose a friend that she had been closer to than bridesmaid #3, & that she did not tell any of us who she had asked. i chose to not attend the wedding because there was a sorority function that same day. i did let the bride know that due to sorority obligations i would not be able to attend. i never regretted my decision. in a twist of irony, her marriage lasted about 4 years.

i think your feelings are valid. you should decide if you can go to the wedding and feel comfortable under the circumstances. i would not care whether "tongues will wag" if you are not in attendance. it was pretty rotten that she let you do all that research for her and never even gave you a phone call to let you know who her choices were. not attending the wedding is not about being a brat-its about doing what is right for you.i vote for california. take care of yourself!!lisa

WCUgirl · #22 05-19-2005, 12:29 PM

I would start by emailing Evelyn back and asking, "Why would there be any surprises?" Then take it from there.

I don't think you're overreacting -- I'd definitely be pissed. I'd probably still attend the wedding, though.

starryeyed · #23 05-19-2005, 12:29 PM

I have a solution:

1. Act like nothing is wrong between you two so you won't seem like you are throwing a hissy fit.

2. Feign sick at the last minute

3. Go to California

4. Have that margarita

5. Send a cheap present & a note saying you are sorry that you were "ill"

6. Have no regrets!

Glitter650 · #24 05-19-2005, 12:49 PM

I don't think you are overreacting. I agree with Maria however, I would go to the wedding still. But I would call BOTH of these girls out on their BS. Aleathia for not being straight foward and telling you, look, I'm thinking of having Ev and Ronna be in my wedding party, and Ev for CLEARLY trying to rub salt in the wounds. A MYSPACE COMMENT, REALLY

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #25 05-19-2005, 01:46 PM

AXiD670 had a great approach. Wish I'd thought of that.

Honestly, it just sounds like you guys are growing apart and you're *not* going to miss seeing this/these couple(s) in the future. If that's not 100% the case, though, go.

I don't at all agree with this:

Quote:

Originally posted by starryeyed
I have a solution:

1. Act like nothing is wrong between you two so you won't seem like you are throwing a hissy fit.

2. Feign sick at the last minute

3. Go to California

4. Have that margarita

5. Send a cheap present & a note saying you are sorry that you were "ill"

6. Have no regrets!

I like the idea of an "alternate" solution, but I don't think this one is it -- like you said, you've been running around doing half her planning, etc., so it's obvious to everyone you've known the date for awhile now. Calling "sorority obligation!" last minute just seems bitchy and immature (vs. just saying, "Sorry I can't make it," and the reason will be obvious after you talk to the bride.)

Obviously you need to do everything "right" here since there's a lot of room for people to do a smear campaign on you & make you look like the jilted wanna-be-bridesmaid.

sidenote: What's WITH all these girls getting upset over bridesmaids choices? (Sandy, excluding you -- you're clearly upset over the way the bride handled telling you, vs. her decision.) IT'S THE BRIDE AND GROOM'S WEDDING. Don't you think THEY would know better than anyone else who they're close to? And who knows what else is going into these decisions -- maybe the bride felt obligated b/c she'd been a bridesmaid to someone else. Maybe the bride felt like asking a specific bridesmaid would bring them closer. Maybe the bride couldn't choose between two women and knew one of them wouldn't make the issue into a federal case. WHO KNOWS? IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING!

KSigkid · #26 05-19-2005, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by HotDamnImAPhiMu
sidenote: What's WITH all these girls getting upset over bridesmaids choices? (Sandy, excluding you -- you're clearly upset over the way the bride handled telling you, vs. her decision.) IT'S THE BRIDE AND GROOM'S WEDDING. Don't you think THEY would know better than anyone else who they're close to? And who knows what else is going into these decisions -- maybe the bride felt obligated b/c she'd been a bridesmaid to someone else. Maybe the bride felt like asking a specific bridesmaid would bring them closer. Maybe the bride couldn't choose between two women and knew one of them wouldn't make the issue into a federal case. WHO KNOWS? IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING!

On the sidenote: It's not just the bridal party - there are people who "expect" to be invited to the wedding, and then end up being truly upset when they're not. Unfortunately, there are those who think money is no object and that every person you've been friends with can be invited to the wedding; it's just not the case. Not everyone can be in the bridal party, and not everyone can be invited to the wedding. On one hand, it's nice that so many people care about the wedding; on the other, though, it causes conflict.

As for your situation Sandy - that just seems like an awful way of handling things on the bride's part. If she had no intention of having you as part of the bridal party, she should have relayed that to you when you were giving her all that help. Common sense should have told her that if someone is doing that much work, and they're not going to be a bridesmaid, she should have told that to you right away. Also, to have another bridesmaid deliver the message is weak, at best. You're upset and have a right to be upset.

vanda · #27 05-19-2005, 03:50 PM

You have every right to be pissed. In all of those conversations where you were helping her find places and things like that, she could have said something. For the other chick to email you and her comments make it look like they are pulling one of those petty H. S. hijinks to see how you react. Go directly to her to see what's up. Heck even talk to her fiancee since you guys are close also. Do not give them the satisfaction of seeing you hurt.

CSUSigEp · #28 05-19-2005, 05:18 PM

Women.

Peaches-n-Cream · #29 05-19-2005, 05:19 PM

Sandy, a similar thing happened to me. I don't want to go into specific details, but I was shocked and hurt. I decided to attend the wedding, and I had fun, but the friendship was over as far as I was concerned.

I wish that I could go back in time, talk to her, and try to repair our friendship. It's one of the few regrets I have. I really miss my friend. At the time, I was too hurt to deal with it. I'm sure she had a reason for not picking me. I just wish that she had told me instead of learning it from someone else.

Sandy, I would really think long and hard before declining the wedding invitation. You need to decide if you want to remain friends with her or not. She didn't handle it well, and your feelings are valid. I think that you should talk to the bride. It might give you some peace of mind as well as salvage your friendship, if that's what you want.

AchtungBaby80 · #30 05-19-2005, 05:48 PM

Noooooooooooooooooo, you are not overreacting! I would be pitching fits right now if it were me...not only over the fact that two other girls who [from the impression I get] weren't as close with the bride were chosen as bridesmaids while you weren't, but also that no one deigned to tell you except via a snotty little email. Are you sure they're out of high school?

As far as the wedding is concerned, I think you should go, because you might regret not going later. However, I would strongly encourage you to say something to the bride--your "friend"--because she really needs to know that you're upset and I think she's got some explaining to do. I realize it's up to the bride whom she chooses to be bridesmaids, but it seems really cold and ungrateful to overlook someone who's been there for her like you say you have.