Everyone around me is getting married!

[dphies00]

Amongst my friends, at least people my age, it's a trend right now, with people getting engaged to college boyfriends and girlfriends and even high school sweethearts. It's all fine and sweet, but I think some of them feel like engagement and the wedding are the next steps they're supposed to take. Like oh we're so in love - we've met, flirted, dated, dated seriously, maybe even lived together. Why not? Now the next stage on this relationship checklist is engagement, then marriage. This is all fine and good (and logical) but in a cold (logical) sort of way. I'm fine as I hear about another person younger than me getting engaged b/c I think sometimes people loose sight of the fact that they're creating a family, whether they want kids or a dog, a house or a Volvo or a massively huge wedding. Getting married is a very adult thing to do - it's like getting a promotion or buying a house. There's a great deal of choice, compromise, and effort involved in these adult questions and events. If people aren't reassured about their 'standing' as an adult, they might try to take on these adult decisions - and some people make really good choices. And sometimes they don't.

It's sort of a competition now, and I don't think I'm going to do very well.

Please don't feel this way! Yeah singledom! Do well at getting a promotion! You'll feel very adult, competitive and rich!

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by AGDee
In my view, you're in a healthy place.

This is what infuriates me about the big "marriage" push by our current political administration. Women already feel a HUGE societal pressure to hurry up and get married. I think this is why the divorce rate is so high. When you meet a person who is right for you, and you take the time to make sure he is right, then you get married. We shouldn't feel pressured by society, family or our "biological clock" to hurry up and get hitched.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Seriously. You speak the truth.

[Sistermadly]

Originally posted by AGDee
In my view, you're in a healthy place.

This is what infuriates me about the big "marriage" push by our current political administration. Women already feel a HUGE societal pressure to hurry up and get married. I think this is why the divorce rate is so high. When you meet a person who is right for you, and you take the time to make sure he is right, then you get married. We shouldn't feel pressured by society, family or our "biological clock" to hurry up and get hitched.

Dee

Co-sign. Getting married because you feel pressure, or because everyone else is is the WRONG reason to get married, and chances are you'll be setting yourself up for failure. Of all my girlfriends, only two got married very early. The rest of us all got married in our mid- to late-30s.

[Taualumna]

Getting married younger is sort of cultural for me, I guess. Even though Hong Kong is really progressive, getting married at 30 is kind of "late". A 30 year old bride there is kind of like a 35 year old bride in a bigger city in Canada or the US. I just want to be married, have kids, and stay at home. That's all. Fewer years working, you know?

[mu_agd]

Originally posted by Taualumna
Getting married younger is sort of cultural for me, I guess. Even though Hong Kong is really progressive, getting married at 30 is kind of "late". A 30 year old bride there is kind of like a 35 year old bride in a bigger city in Canada or the US. I just want to be married, have kids, and stay at home. That's all. Fewer years working, you know?

what's wrong with being a 35 year old bride in the US? i've never heard anything that is bad about that.

[AGDee]

Originally posted by Munchkin03
Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Seriously. You speak the truth.

I don't think I deserve the "hero" status. It's more like two failed marriages because of said pressure. I screwed up my life so badly by marrying the men who asked me, rather than a man who was my soulmate. I wanted kids so badly and I'm thrilled that I have my kids, because they bring me so much joy in my life. If only I could have had them without dealing with their dad...

Anyway, I'm a very strong, very independent woman who doesn't do well having a man around because I just can't live with one without going bonkers. I am happy for my married friends who are happy, but get frustrated with some who either put up with a horrible situation or those who lament constantly that they don't have a man. When I was contemplating leaving my first husband, a very close friend said "When you would rather be single forever than married to that man, then you know it's time". I'm perfectly ok with being single, even though most of society doesn't approve.

Dee

ETA: My worst day being single is better than my best day of marriage, so that says something right there!

ETA again: I'm from an Italian family.. that's HUGE pressure to be married. I started getting asked when I was getting married at my high school graduation.

[Taualumna]

Originally posted by mu_agd
what's wrong with being a 35 year old bride in the US? i've never heard anything that is bad about that.

Nothing's wrong with that. I was just using it as an example of age. A 40 year old first time bride in HK is a lot "older" than a 40 year old first time bride in the US....youth is more emphasized there than in North America. HK actresses who are the same age as, say, SJP are often playing mothers to teenagers while it's kind of difficult to imagine SJP (or other actresses her age) doing that.

ETA: There aren't too many HK women who marry and have kids in their late teens or early 20s.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by AGDee
I don't think I deserve the "hero" status. It's more like two failed marriages because of said pressure. I screwed up my life so badly by marrying the men who asked me, rather than a man who was my soulmate. I wanted kids so badly and I'm thrilled that I have my kids, because they bring me so much joy in my life. If only I could have had them without dealing with their dad...

Anyway, I'm a very strong, very independent woman who doesn't do well having a man around because I just can't live with one without going bonkers.

Oh, I just meant in general--not even about marriage and relationships--that you say things that make a lot of sense. Kind of the stuff I'd like to say, but am not very eloquent.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally posted by AGDee


ETA: My worst day being single is better than my best day of marriage, so that says something right there!

ETA again: I'm from an Italian family.. that's HUGE pressure to be married. I started getting asked when I was getting married at my high school graduation.

Ugh and it doesn't help when you have family friends who are East-siders and they all get married at like 22.

A huge pressure that I feel is that I'm not really supposed to move out of my parents house until I get married. That used to be the case but I think my parents know that once I can support myself, I'm out.

[Taualumna]

Originally posted by PM_Mama00


A huge pressure that I feel is that I'm not really supposed to move out of my parents house until I get married.

That's how my parents feel too. They were okay with me going away to school (although they wanted me to live in the dorms for my entire four years, and they got their way), but they're not all that okay with me moving out!

[AGDee]

Originally posted by PM_Mama00
Ugh and it doesn't help when you have family friends who are East-siders and they all get married at like 22.

A huge pressure that I feel is that I'm not really supposed to move out of my parents house until I get married. That used to be the case but I think my parents know that once I can support myself, I'm out.

I grew up on the East side! Only a few of us went to college and the rest all got married young!

The way to move out is to get a job that's too far to commute for your first job. It worked like a charm!

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by Taualumna
I just came back from a wedding in New York. A girl I knew from high school apparently got engaged last spring. My cousin, who is 16 months older than me got engaged three weeks ago. Another friend of mine got engaged around the same time my cousin did. The list goes on and on. I'm the second oldest out of all of the first cousins on my dad's side, but I don't think I'm going to be the second to marry. It's sort of a competition now, and I don't think I'm going to do very well.

I feel like a lot of people around me have been getting married. I was just in a wedding a few weeks ago. If it's not mariage...then it's kids.

[wrigley]

Every so often my mom or various relatives bring up the fact that I "let Gus get away" and "I'd be living on easy street because he has money and real estate" if I had married him and had children. My comment is yes I could have married him but I thought I was too young to have an ex-husband and be a single mom. Seriously I had more friends willing to drive the getaway car for me that be in the bridal party if it had ever come to fruition between him and I.

There was a commencement speaker at either Wellesley or Smith I think that said something along the lines of what if you are destined to meet "the one" and live happily ever after. But the catch is you won't meet him until you're 40, it's important what you do with your life from now until then.

[aephi alum]

Originally posted by cashmoney
I feel like a lot of people around me have been getting married. I was just in a wedding a few weeks ago. If it's not mariage...then it's kids.

Don't start me on the kids. If I hear "So when are you two going to settle down and have a baby?" one more time, I will bitch-slap whoever says it.

Don't feel that you have to be in any rush to get married just because a lot of your friends are getting married. Take your time... if and when you do decide to get married, make sure your partner really is your soulmate.

Look at it this way: You'll get better wedding gifts from your friends when they're out in corporate America making big bucks, rather than when they're still poor starving college students.

[AchtungBaby80]

I'm about to hit the ripe old age of 24, and where I'm from, that makes me a spinster. At the moment, though, I don't care...I have enough stress without a man to add some more. Besides, girls, boyfriends cost too much to keep up!