forgiving a SO for cheating...

[Munchkin03]

A practical concern:

Get tested for HIV and STDs. Continue to do so on a regular basis if you decide to continue seeing him, and always use a condom--even if you were "just on the pill" before. A level of trust has been broken, and sometimes that has ramifications on your wellness.

[kappaloo]

If he's serious about remaining committed from now on, and depending on circumstances - you could definately still have a future together.

Fact is... people make mistakes. It's possible that while it's horrible and painful for you, he does realise this is a mistake and has learns from his mistakes.

I don't believe in the saying "Cheater once, cheater always." People can change - and if you want, your love can overcome this time.

There's more, but I don't feel comfortable posting it, so PM is you're curious.

Oh, but Munchkin is right. You need to protect yourself and have both of yourselfs tested for STDs and HIV.

[wrigley]

Originally posted by Munchkin03
A practical concern:

Get tested for HIV and STDs. Continue to do so on a regular basis if you decide to continue seeing him, and always use a condom--even if you were "just on the pill" before. A level of trust has been broken, and sometimes that has ramifications on your wellness.

I agree with Munchkin and kappaloo about getting checked out.

Even if he refuses to get tested and swears that he practiced safe sex, you should go for your well being.

[Contessima]

Originally posted by BabyP
I hate to say this, but do you really consider this a real relationship? most of the time you were "together" you were living hours apart. I would understand if you were together first for at least a couple of months then he moved. Whoa this is a friend he messed around with....good luck,you wil end up being suspicious of all his female friends now....... At least he is trying to make amends. I wonder how did you find out? did he confess? why did you confront the "other" woman?

so spending hours pouring your heart out on the phone doesn't constitute a "real" relationship? so making huge sacrifices of time and energy to drive 8 hours/pay too much for plane tickets/ spend all night on a greyhound so that you can see each other for a few precious days does not constitute a "real" relationship? How can you even pretend that simply because a relationship is long-distance for a period of time, it is not "real"? I can think of plenty of relationships that happen between two people living on the same campus, same dorm, even the same hall that are less "real" than half a dozen long-distance relationships I know of. My fiance and I were long distance for three semesters and we have better communication and trust than most of my friends whose boyfriends go to school 15 minutes away. Long-distance relationships are so unique in that they involve sacrificing partying with your friends because tonight's a "phone date" night. Instead of relying on sex to keep your relationship going, you have to rely on hours on the phone a night sharing your family, your goals, and your daily joys. Please don't ever presume that a relationship isn't "real" because people have to be apart. Would you say the same thing about a long-distance marriage?

[PennyCarter]

I thank all of you for the responses. They have really given me a lot to think about and different perspective. I am doing okay with this all. Don't get me wrong, the pain is still there, but I have been able to keep myself pretty busy with stuff. He and I talk daily. I don't know if we are going to work this out or not.
I understand that not all men are sorry for what they have done, but I truly believe he is. Does this mean I trust him...not right now. Can I rebuild that trust? I don't know. I still love him but I don't want to second guess someone I am with all the time.

Its a lot to think about. A lot to take in. And way too much to decide overnight. I am glad we talk and right now that is what I want...I want to see if we can rebuild a friendship. I want to see if we can talk like we used to and be open with one another. If we can, but still don't trust one another, then at least we have rebuilt a friendship (I truly value friendships, even with my ex's...I keep in touch with all my ex's b/c I think its stupid to be so close with someone and then to cut them out of your life). If the friendship works, then we'll see about the rest. I'll try to keep ya posted.

And yes...a long distance relationship is a relationship if the two people work at it. Obviously ours hit rock bottom, but we had a year of long distance before this crap started and it was good...hard but good. We were together for about 5 or 6 months before we ever started the long distance stuff, so we did have a foundation. We talked a lot and never went long times without seeing one another (until we got 8 hours apart and things went downhill). Despite this outcome, I do think it can work if the two people are commited. But it is work and both have to be willing to make the same sacrifices.

[Imperial1]

Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. Nuff said.

Imperial1

[KillarneyRose]

Good luck with everything, Penny

[James]

Break it off. End it now before you create a real big mismash of sour and mixed feelings.

Obviously, the only hing you need to do to save the relationship is stay in it, but it doesn't sound like things are ever going to be the same, so why not give someone else as a chance?

Lots of men on the Man Tree. Pick a new one.

[HBADPi]

This is a little off topic, but with regards to cheating. Would you date someone who has been known to cheat on every one of his previous girlfriends? I suppose this goes back to whether or not you believe in "once a cheater always a cheater." You'd definitely be setting yourself up for the possibility of a lot of pain if you do date the guy but is it worth it?

[kateshort]

Originally posted by HBADPi
This is a little off topic, but with regards to cheating. Would you date someone who has been known to cheat on every one of his previous girlfriends? I suppose this goes back to whether or not you believe in "once a cheater always a cheater." You'd definitely be setting yourself up for the possibility of a lot of pain if you do date the guy but is it worth it?

Hell no!

I wouldn't ever be dating him in the first place if he's got that kind of track record.

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by PennyCarter
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half. We have been in different cities for about the last 15 months. I don't know how to simplify it, but for about 9 months we were 4 hours apart, then he moved for work and we were 8 hours apart for about 5 months and now we're an hour and a half apart. I just found out that while we were 8 hours apart (when we saw each other the least, obviously) he cheated on me. I thought we were the perfect couple (and we were before we were 8 hours apart).

I know that he feels like crap and is unbelievably sorry. He moved to my hometown (where I would like to live in Dec. when I finish my masters) to be with me and to make things work. The tough thing for me is that he knew that my ex cheated on me and how hard it was for me to trust him.

I believe with all my heart that we are meant to be together, but I don't know if I can forgive him. I won't be with a man I don't trust, and I was wondering if anyone can tell me how they regained their trust for someone after a similar experience. Thanks for the advice!

That sucks. You know, sometimes guys cheat for no reason. Depending on how old you two are...that would tell you a lot as to why he did it.

Often times you can never get over it. In most cases its a deal sealer. It really depends on how the both of you treated each other. However, I know some people who have forgiven the other and went on to do very well together. I would think that in the back of your mind you won't ever forget it but in time you'll eventually forgive him. Time is what mends the heart after being broken. And if you do decide to stay with him and do eventually forgive him....look at it this way, next time you'll know what to look for.

Hope it works out in your favor.