Cheating husband......

[dzsaigirl]

Well, my soon-to-be-ex-husband told me in May that he was cheating on me and our divorce will be final in October...so there's my advice. Oh, and this was after two years of marriage as well...

She deserves someone wonderful, not someone she has to wonder about.

[wrigley]

"He truely is a good guy"

-He lost ALL good guy points the minute his scam was blown. Whoever posted that he wanted to get caught, you're right. Most likely this isn't the first time he's cheated, and who's to say that he wasn't cheating while they were dating.

[wrigley]

Originally posted by James
adpialumcsuc,
I am also assuming that her brother moving in as a permanent house guest for a year was something the husband hated, no matter how nice a face he put it on.

I wager its also something that he was extremely unhappy about and it created an enormous tension in his mind towards her. Its her brother after all not his.

So out of a two year marriage, she willfully created a situation to make him truly unhappy both with his life and her in general.

The only other thing I would wonder is why they got married. Generally, after that amount of time (6 bloody years) a guy isn't going to marry you becaue he adores you, he is going to marry you to keep from losing you.

Thats a crucial difference, one that works on the male psyche in a way women often don't appreciate.

So if he felt pressured to marry her, as guys often do, and then she sprang that idiocy on him ruining a full 50 percent of the time they were married . . . .

Well its small wonder that he hates her a little and feels resentful.

I do agree in a technical and idealisitc way that he should have left her instead of cheating, people do tend to be weak, and cheating is easier.

Also silly men can be just as reluctant to throw away an 8 year investment of time and familiarity.

It really sounds like their relationship lasted much longer than it should have, It outlived its passion and fell into the kind of comfortable famialirity that is the most many people will ever have to aspire towards.

Even if her brother was the Devil himself that's not a green light for him to cheat. She didn't "willfully create anything". Life happens and she stepped up to the plate and took care of family.
That's what family should do. I'm sure the living situation wasn't ideal but the brother moved out.

As for the six years that they were together, I'm guessing that the couple in question is either mid to late twenties or early thirties. That means they were either started dating in high school or as freshmen in college. Not many people I know get married during college so as to why he waited so long, it's was probably more timing of getting careers established than just settling per se. As for pressure, he had up until the wedding day to walk away if he didn't feel that he couldn't take it to the next level. Most places of worship require or encourage , some form of pre-wedding counseling,another opportunity for him to speak his mind. I highly doubt that this was a shotgun wedding.

His refusal to see a counselor says alot about his character. He doesn't want to admit that he majorly screwed up. To say that to someone other than immediate family or friends would prove that this is something that flowers and candy can't fix.

And about "his investment of time" he completely disrespected her time and effort in this marriageby committing this act of infidelity.

[wrigley]

Originally posted by adpialumcsuc

Any words of Wisdom? I want to be supportive for her but I am so shocked that all I can say is "Oh my Gosh"
Should she stay and try to make it work or is that not possible?
Can she ever trust him again?

Everyone is right on the money when they say to support your friend's decisions and not to badmouth her husband.

I hate to bring this up but I'd reccommend that at least she get tested for AIDS and STD's.She has no idea of how many other partners her husband has had besides the one that she knows about. They've been together for eight years. Even if this was just the one, there's no gurantee that protection was used every time.She can just schedule a regular ob/gyn exam and he doesn't have to know so he can add more fuel to the fire of claims that she's to blame for not "trusting".

If he doesn't want to go to couples counseling, she needs to get some counseling for herself so she can't decide what's best for her to do. I know you're her best friend but there's only so much you can do. You are a good friend for being there for her.

Nothing she did warrants the disrespect to her and the vows taken on their wedding day. During the ceremony they do say for better or for worse but no where does it mention anything about infidelity. But isn't Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife is still a biggie in the ten commandments list? I'm not a bible expert so let me know if I have it wrong.

The saving grace in all of this is that there are no children involved.

[honeychile]

You've gotten a lot of good advice and a wide range of opinions, adpialumcsuc. The best part YOU can possibly play in this scenario is to be the listener, not the advisor. You will never be able to adivise one way or another without ruining the friendship.

That said, as I've mentioned before, I am a facillitator at a divorce recovery group. After all these years, I'd say that easily 75% of the women (and men) who left their cheating spouses wishes that they had first tried counseling. It's not the end-all cure-all, but it will allow them to vent their feelings in a safe enviroment - and mutually decide whether they should move on together or separately. Maybe your friend should allow her husband to choose a counselor with whom he would feel comfortable?

And of course, she should be checked for every STD imaginable - but tell her to either go to a clinic or pay for it privately. Once your insurance company finds out that you're "at risk", you can be in a lot of troubles.

When i was going thru a divorce or even before my divorce, contemplating it, all i wanted was someone to listen.

I knew all that was wrong...did i need that pointed out to me over and over again by caring friends and family? NO. all i
wanted was someone to listen so i can logically sort out in my head how i was feeling. When you offer your 2 cents , and were not talking advice, it only clouds the hate , hurt and confusion. I had a child to think about in my equation so when they are saying Mr. Ex-cutiepatootie is a jerk, i already knew that....... but i had a baby to conisder.

Just listen to her and let her sort out her feelings thru talking. Be the friend who can sit and listen and not offer any advice. She will come to her decision on her own and she will have to live with that her own.

[winneythepooh7]

I agree with those of you who have said to be there for her to just listen. It is difficult not being judgmental and offering our own opinions, but ultimately she is the one who has to decide what to do. If she goes back to him and it doesn't work out, she needs to make that decision. We can't be the one to say "I told you so". From my own perspective, if this happened to me, I couldn't probably put everything behind me and start anew. But I don't know the history involved here and I know leaving someone is easier said than done. You sound like a good and supportive friend, which is exactly what this woman needs right now. When you are feeling so low, it is easy to isolate yourself and not want to deal with ANYONE, so if you can be there for your friend, even if she unintentionally lashes out at you, that is the best thing you can do.

[Glitterkitty]

I definitely agree with everyone that said to be a good friend to her, listen to her, let her cry on your shoulder and don't say too many bad things about him but lots of nice things about her. BECAUSE, if they stay together and you have completely trashed him, she will not be comfortable around you anymore knowing that you think her hubby is scum and she will feel like you think she's stupid for staying with him and she won't want to be around you. Trust me on this one

I do think he wants out and doesn't know how so he cheated and was sloppy about it on purpose. No one leaves their email open-even if they aren't hiding anything. WHo the hell leaves it open when there's incriminating evidence on there??

If you have the room, offer her a place to stay until she and loser boy make a final decision. She needs to play hard to get. She should not be the one begging him to go to couple's counceling. It should be the other way around. Honestly, if he is not groveling and begging and crying and calling her 1000 times a day to apologize and all that-he doesn't want it anymore. I hate to say that but I really feel if he was truely sorry, he'd do ANYTHING to get her back.

A condition of his probation should also be that he invite The Homewrecker over and formally break up with her in front of the wife. That way, wife knows that they are officially done, Homewrecker knows it's over and hubby knows it.

And I am NOT saying this is her fault or anything. But people don't usually cheat because they are mean hurtful people (Yeah some do) but because there was already something wrong in the marriage. There may have been other stressors besides the whole brother thing that we just don't know about.

Either way-you are smart girl and a good friend to her and that is the best thing she can have right now. God bless you!

[AGDee]

It is always best to just listen. My dad broke up with his girlfriend (who I couldn't stand) and called me to tell me about it. He said that her kids were too messed up and he couldn't see spending the rest of his life bailing them out of messes, so he broke things off. He said to me "You never liked her anyway, did you?". I said the VERY diplomatic thing of "The most important thing to me is that you're happy Dad". Good thing, cuz they've been married for eleven years now! What if I had said "Yeah Dad, she's a real witch and I hated her since the day I met her"?????

Your best bet is to not bad mouth him, listen to her, support her... when she bad mouths him, say things like "Wow, you are really angry with him" or "You are really feeling hurt, aren't you?"


That's my $.02

Dee

[adpialumcsuc]

Thanks everyone!
I talked to her last night and she sounds better ( I am not sure if he was home though). He doesn't know that I know and I want it left that way. She didn't really talk about it much except that things were getting better and he is making changes to make her feel more comfortable. I guess he also made a comment to her about how at the end of the day he still loves her and wants to be with her for the rest of their lives. I hope in my heart of hearts that they can work it out (I love them both so very much), but I know I need to stay out of it. She asked if her and her husband could come visit us this weekend for the day. So we will see how that all pans out. I know it will be hard but I know I can bite my tongue and say nothing about it for her sake.
Thanks again!!!

Originally posted by adpialumcsuc
Thanks everyone!
I talked to her last night and she sounds better ( I am not sure if he was home though). He doesn't know that I know and I want it left that way. She didn't really talk about it much except that things were getting better and he is making changes to make her feel more comfortable. I guess he also made a comment to her about how at the end of the day he still loves her and wants to be with her for the rest of their lives. I hope in my heart of hearts that they can work it out (I love them both so very much), but I know I need to stay out of it. She asked if her and her husband could come visit us this weekend for the day. So we will see how that all pans out. I know it will be hard but I know I can bite my tongue and say nothing about it for her sake.
Thanks again!!!

good to hear that things are looking more on the positive side vs. the negative side. hope all works out for the best.

[Tippiechick]

Flame away for this, but if it had been my husband that cheated on me like this...

I would have:

*burned every last one of his favorite things in the house (his collections, etc.) on the front lawn

*dipped all of his clothes in bleach and then left them beside the ashes for him to find

*changed each and every door lock

I have seen too many men cheat and then do it all over again and again and again and again. It gets to be a cycle. There were underlying reasons why this happened. And, just trying to stop the cheating won't work.

IMO, ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER!

[BabyP]

Originally posted by Tippiechick
Flame away for this, but if it had been my husband that cheated on me like this...

I would have:

*burned every last one of his favorite things in the house (his collections, etc.) on the front lawn

*dipped all of his clothes in bleach and then left them beside the ashes for him to find

*changed each and every door lock

I have seen too many men cheat and then do it all over again and again and again and again. It gets to be a cycle. There were underlying reasons why this happened. And, just trying to stop the cheating won't work.

IMO, ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER!

I would pass you the lighter!!!

[wrigley]

Originally posted by BabyP
I would pass you the lighter!!!

I'd either bring the blender and alcohol for mixed drinks or marshmellows to roast over the fire and make smores. Invite the girlfriends to bring something of their exes to burn and have a party.

Way to go Tippiechick

[BabyP]

Its funny, I dont have any items from my exes...... Its like they dont exist. I dont even have pictures. LOL. which is good cuz you will have to do alot of explaining when your new man finds these stuff......