Supporting a partner financially

[wrigley]

Everyone has brought up some good points for both sides of this topic.

I'd just feel too uncomfortable having a boyfriend pay stuff for me. I don't like the possible idea of having invisible strings attached that could be used later if it's a bad breakup.If it's a committed relationship with long term involvement I might change my mind but that hasn't happened yet..

I've just seen way too many People's Court episodes where former couples fight it out on tv. While one person side claims was it a gift the other person turns around and says it's a loan.


If and when I'd get married and if kids were to enter the picture, AXOjen situation is an option to consider. It is said the amount of time spent being a stay at home mom is the equivalency of having 2 full time jobs outside of the home. But it's always good to have a back up plan.

[AKA_Monet]

My husband pays the mortgage and I pay for all the other house stuff like gas/electric/phone/home owner's dues & insurance/cable and waste management (yeah, this state sucks about what it charges)...

And the bills I pay are on top of the other personal bills I incur--such as cell phone and personal items--car, car insurance, hair, nails, waxing, etc...

He pays for his car & car insurance, cell phone, golf green's fees, etc...

We have our own independent accounts. He makes more than I do. If we combined our efforts, our joint taxes would be atrocious. By his income alone, he'd owe well over $30K. And the property is in his name... I take everything out for my taxes, so I expect some back... But if we combined our accounts, I don't see one cent!!!

We are trying to set up a household fund. We want to make a safe, decent percentage and pay all the household bills off of it. But interests rates are poor for savings and checking accounts. And money markets or mutual funds are somewhat risky without putting money into it monthly. Where I live, I found a savings account that pays 0.75% per month with no minimum balance... But I know I can do better with a mutual fund that's balanced more conservatively... Does anybody have any suggestions or ideas???

Another item was because my husband and I are in our 30's when we got married, we did not ask for the usual "Crate and Barrel" gifts--we asked for gift cards from the Home Depot and Lowe's for money. We wanted a Bridal Mortgage Registry, but it was MY MOM that got too psycho about asking her friends to donate for that kind of gift... I HAD to register at C&B... But I told everyone just to give us Home Depot/Lowe's cards...

So money issues are a huge issue for most couples. Someone is too spendthrifty and the other person is miserly. Some folks save up for their items, others just splurge. Make sure your S.O. has similar financial values as you do...

And, it has been said before, but it is extremely unwise to pool ALL the money in a pot and not have your own pot to pee in... Married or not, you have got to have a side account in your own name with your folks that he or she cannot touch. So when you do have those financial rainy days, which often happen without warning, you have some way out of it.

In several states (and I did think it was a Federal law), all debts incurred by one person, once married, both folks owe... If your S.O. has children from another situation and does not make any money and owe's child support, the Fed's will take from your check to pay for those children--I have seen that done...

So, make sure you have similar financial values and characteristics... What you can put up with and what you cannot deal with... That goes further than LOVE can take you...

'Cuz when the last time that LOVE bought you clothes--it's like dat, and that's the way it is...

[winneythepooh7]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by wrigley
[B]Everyone has brought up some good points for both sides of this topic.

I'd just feel too uncomfortable having a boyfriend pay stuff for me. I don't like the possible idea of having invisible strings attached that could be used later if it's a bad breakup.If it's a committed relationship with long term involvement I might change my mind but that hasn't happened yet..

I've just seen way too many People's Court episodes where former couples fight it out on tv. While one person side claims was it a gift the other person turns around and says it's a loan.



These are my thoughts exactly Wrigley.

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
So money issues are a huge issue for most couples. Someone is too spendthrifty and the other person is miserly. Some folks save up for their items, others just splurge. Make sure your S.O. has similar financial values as you do...

And, it has been said before, but it is extremely unwise to pool ALL the money in a pot and not have your own pot to pee in... Married or not, you have got to have a side account in your own name with your folks that he or she cannot touch. So when you do have those financial rainy days, which often happen without warning, you have some way out of it.

Yes, and yes. I can't even imagine making a long term relationship work with someone who handles money very differently than I do. Granted, I suck at money, but I just can't deal with a tightwad. No matter what, though, I will always keep my own account on the side, no matter how much or how little is in it.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by valkyrie
Yes, and yes. I can't even imagine making a long term relationship work with someone who handles money very differently than I do. Granted, I suck at money, but I just can't deal with a tightwad. No matter what, though, I will always keep my own account on the side, no matter how much or how little is in it.

The hard part is not letting your S.O. know about it... Once they know about, laws can be enacted...

Another thing to watch out for is letting your S.O. put all items they want in your name... Why? Accountability... Usually, it is big ticket items.

E.g. he wants the Cayenne SUV, and you get it in your name. He pays for it for the next few months or so, then stops--then your credit gets jacked up...

Or she uses your credit card and takes it to a whole 'nother limit that is impossible to pay...

The other thing to think about is when you do actually want something--like paying for a plane ticket home... Some folks go ballistic if you purchase flight tickets to go anywhere. They cannot be knowing how you purchased those tickets and how you got the hook up--'cuz the next thing you know, they'll be asking you for that money source and how you got it...

I'm sorry, it ain't personal, it's about business. And a marriage is business, 'cuz all your assets do get scrambled when folks marry... So you havta treat it like a business decision... With shareholder (or stakeholders) annual meetings and every other item a corporation does...

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by winneythepooh7
This conversation came up with my boyfriend and I recently, and I've had this conversation with previous boyfriends. Most guys I've dated think it is appropriate to support their partner financially, with no expectations in return, if they can afford to do so.

I am extremely independent and the thought of a guy paying for things such as a car or school loans (for example) unless I am married to them just doesn't seem right.

This is not to say I pass this judgement on to others if they are in this situation, but for me personally, I don't ever want to feel like I *owe* a guy anything, or hear a line in a fight "I paid for your_____________________ (insert whatever here)" (even if they don't really mean it, but you get the picture).

I think about this kind of stuff because I am not in the type of field where I will probably make a great deal of $$$$$, and most guys unfortunately do make a great deal more than me.

What do you all think?

You know, if I had a dime for every dollar I spent on chicks in my life....I'd be able to pay for another college education. I've made a decision to stop blowing lots of money on chicks unless they show me mad respect or that they're worth it. I've never been used, that I know of, for money by women. But when I think of the money I've lost on chicks in the past it sometimes pisses me off. These days when I meet new chicks I usually act like I'm broke all the time and that I don't have any money. Thats how I know when I have a chick that likes me....she likes me for myself or the dick. And in my view both are ok enough for me. When I realize this then I start actually spending some cash on them and wine & dine'em all the time.

[adpialumcsuc]

Before my husband and I were married we bought a house. He quit his job because of some illegal actions going on and didn't want to be part of. This unfortunately left me to be the only one bringing in money for about 3 months. I paid for everything!! It is was hard but we did it and I know if the roles were reversed he would have done the same.

[Munchkin03]

In marriage or a committed partnership, it doesn't bother me because it all tends to come out pretty evenly. Sometimes people get laid off, or decide that a certain job isn't right for them anymore, or that it's necessary that one person stops working for a family-related issue. So, just because one person is supporting the two financially doesn't mean it will always be like that.

I consider myself a pretty independent person, but I have no problem being a stay-at-home mom or a lady who lunches if that's the lifestyle my husband's salary affords us.

[KillarneyRose]

From the time Mr. KR and I got engaged and I moved into his house, he has paid for just about everything including the balance on my student loans. It just make sense because A) He had a good paying job plus his nuclear power bonus and he had a ton of money saved because he was always out to sea and B) I gave up a fast-track job I was very good at (if I do say so myself ) to be with him.

I had always intended to go back to my career once he got out of the Navy and we settled somewhere but then we started having kids and we both feel more comfortable having me home with them. Luckily, his salary enables us to do that.

I don't think either one of us look the situation as "him supporting me". It's more like we support one another since there are more aspects to a relationship than just money.

[33girl]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
So, make sure you have similar financial values and characteristics... What you can put up with and what you cannot deal with... That goes further than LOVE can take you...

This is one of the most, if not THE most, important things to know about relationships. I've seen so many couples break up over money issues, and that doesn't mean you're being shallow or materialistic.

I cringe to think what would have happened if I had married the first Mr. 33. He would do things like buying me a stuffed animal, card and taking me out to eat and then turn around and ask me to borrow $10 because he needed a haircut and was broke. His family spent like crazy - 6 TVs, 2 VCRs (this is back when VCRs cost like $2000) but wouldn't give him extra money for school. The whole thing was soooooo messed up, compared to how I was raised.

I think the only time you can say someone is "supporting" someone else in a relationship is when one partner does absolutely nothing. The wife staying at home taking care of the kids is one thing - I consider that a reciprocal arrangement. The wife who doesn't have a job but has a full-time housekeeper and nanny and doesn't do anything but shop is something else again.

[James]

Men call them trophy wise. Women call them smart

Originally posted by 33girl

I think the only time you can say someone is "supporting" someone else in a relationship is when one partner does absolutely nothing. The wife staying at home taking care of the kids is one thing - I consider that a reciprocal arrangement. The wife who doesn't have a job but has a full-time housekeeper and nanny and doesn't do anything but shop is something else again.