Men and Women - Inherently Dysfunctional?

[James]

Well . . the problem is that we don't look at things in context.

Women are probably 6-10 years ahead of men when it comes to relationship ability.

If you look at the way boys and girls develop socially there are major differences.

In elementary school girls are already practicing getting along with each other. They do more group activities and tend to be less competitive with each other for control, at least within their social units.

Girls also play more cooperation oriented games and more games that seem domstic in nature. Such as playing house etc.

Boys really don't do stuff like that much.

I think what happens is that when girls start dating at 15-17 you start dating guys your own age that are years behind you in maturity. And we burn you . . . a lot.

When guys finally start catching up, probably late 20's early 30's you have been burned so many times you are gun shy.

Plus, until you hit your 30's or 40's you are probably still ahead of the guy emotionally, he is still learning about where you have already been. Must be frustrating.

A lot of relationships i see where the girl and the guy are about the same age usually has the girl in emotional control . . . and not always happy about it. A bit like parenting.

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
Well, it's been a few weeks of a big empty bed for me, and it is getting easier - although I still miss him as I fall asleep and wake up. Maybe I don't miss him... maybe just the idea of him, of having somebody.

I hope I get used to it quick!!!

For some it goes away real quick....for others, it takes a LONG time. My advice, find a rebound...they never last but they sure help a lot.

[AchtungBaby80]

I agree with James. Basically, that's what my sister has tried to tell me for years, only he said it better.

[AGDee]

Perhaps people are just unrealistic about what to expect?

Think about this... most people have numerous relationships and only 1 (our expectation) leads to marriage. The divorce rate is 50%. Some marry a second time but that divorce rate is even higher.

My best friend relies on me for advice with men. The last time she called I asked her "Why do you think I'm an expert? I have never had a successful relationship!". (Bottom line, she knows I weed out the idiots quickly)

MOST relationships fail. Those that don't are a lot of work. The Cindarella story just isn't happening. Happily ever after is very rare!

Dee

[sororitygirl2]

Originally posted by cashmoney
For some it goes away real quick....for others, it takes a LONG time. My advice, find a rebound...they never last but they sure help a lot.

Yeah, rebounds do help... I am on the prowl!

[GMUBunny]

Okay, I know that so far I've been the happy bride-to-be... well here's where it all falls apart (and James goes "I told you so," but that's okay). I've come to realize lately just how important communication is in a relationship. JR will not talk about his problems, period. I have mounds of issues stemming from our past breakups that I've tried to resolve before we get married. What's his answer to everything? "Don't worry. It's all gonna be okay." I hate it when he says that. Using "it's all gonna be okay" is just a way of avoiding the issues at hand and having to deal with them. He just tells me I worry too much. I won't go into our particular issues, but if you knew what they were, you'd think I have every right to be concerned.

Are men and women inherently dysfunctional? Maybe. I just don't think that humans are cut out for monogamy. I knew that when I could openly admit to my maid of honor that I didn't want to lose my freedom, that I shouldn't be getting married. I'm still too wrapped up in myself to even think about another person. I'm not ready to give up everything I have here. Marrying JR means that I have to uproot myself from my hometown (that I love with all my heart), move in with his family temporarily (that I can't stand), and leave my grandmother behind. I'm just not ready to do it.

As for the difference in age vs. maturity... he's almost 25 and has not changed a bit since he was 20. If anything, I've at least discovered who I am and what I want. I think he's just afraid to be alone and won't let go of me. I'll admit that I hurt him in the past and he's told me "that's okay because I love you." SO not healthy and it's not fair to me to take advantage of that.

So anyway, yeah y'all are seeing a relationship fall apart right before your eyes... I still can't get the guts to confront him and call it off, even though I know it's what I need to do. But, I don't think that it's so much confronting him- it's confronting my family that'll be the hard part. Okay, end of my hijack....

[swissmiss04]

Originally posted by GMUBunny
Okay, I know that so far I've been the happy bride-to-be... well here's where it all falls apart (and James goes "I told you so," but that's okay). I've come to realize lately just how important communication is in a relationship. JR will not talk about his problems, period. I have mounds of issues stemming from our past breakups that I've tried to resolve before we get married. What's his answer to everything? "Don't worry. It's all gonna be okay." I hate it when he says that. Using "it's all gonna be okay" is just a way of avoiding the issues at hand and having to deal with them. He just tells me I worry too much. I won't go into our particular issues, but if you knew what they were, you'd think I have every right to be concerned.
So anyway, yeah y'all are seeing a relationship fall apart right before your eyes... I still can't get the guts to confront him and call it off, even though I know it's what I need to do. But, I don't think that it's so much confronting him- it's confronting my family that'll be the hard part. Okay, end of my hijack....

No, things will not just be okay. Marriage solves absolutely nothing. Not knocking it, but ultimately it will create more problems than it will solve. The fact that he's unwilling to deal w/ them now tells me that he knows the relationship isn't functioning but he doesn't want to admit it now.
Just remember this adage: Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
And good luck.

[GMUBunny]

Originally posted by swissmiss04
No, things will not just be okay. Marriage solves absolutely nothing. Not knocking it, but ultimately it will create more problems than it will solve. The fact that he's unwilling to deal w/ them now tells me that he knows the relationship isn't functioning but he doesn't want to admit it now.
Just remember this adage: Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
And good luck.

You always have a way of making things so much easier to swallow. Thanks

I actually took my engagement ring off and put it back in the box a few minutes ago. I don't feel that odd without it on. I just hope he doesn't want it back. It's pretty