Mother Drama Dilemma

[ladygreek]

Originally posted by carolyne
StrangeFruit,

I know it may be hard to hear, but you can't choose your mother. Sometimes you have to make a decision about what is healthy for YOU. If your mother is being that cold to you, maybe you should rethink your relationship with her. Many people may oppose what I'm saying because many people believe that you should never say or think anything negative about your mother but I don't believe that. The truth is the truth. You wouldn't accept that type of behavior or attitude from anyone else, would you? You should never allow anyone to take away your self-esteem or joy. You should try your best to eliminate all negativity. Be happy!

IMO, being a mother is a priviledge, not a right. Thus, I owe certain responsibilities to the child I CHOSE to bring into this world. Two are unconditional love and respect. If I don't live up to my end of the bargain, I certainly wouldn't expect my child to honor me. I have a relative who borne three children and left them all to be raised by other relatives in another state 3,000 miles from where she lived. Now she is bedridden and wonders why they aren't at her side. Sad.

[1savvydiva]

Originally posted by ladygreek
I have a relative who borne three children and left them all to be raised by other relatives in another state 3,000 miles from where she lived. Now she is bedridden and wonders why they aren't at her side. Sad.

See *smh*, that's exactly what I mean. You can't treat your kids any kind of way. You will grow old alone! I don't know why some people don't realize this.

As far as my 'parentperson', she's always chosen to take up with her man, my stepfather over me...I hope they live a long happy life together. I would hate to think how it would crush her if he ever decided to leave, she has basically put off the entire family for this man. *SMH*

Karma is a bia....

[darling1]

SF,

I am truly saddened to read about your situation. I experienced a not so positive experience with my own mother this past holiday.

Like another poster, I believe Carolyne, said it best, you can't choose your mother, but it is imperative that you honor yourself first and foremost and if necessary rethink your relationship with your mother at this time. I have experience first hand what it is like to have a parent who feels that she can put her children through emotional rollercoasters. She (my mother) feels completely justified in being disrespectful to her children because she after all is our parent. What she and so many other parents including yours seems to forget is that not only are we children, we are human beings and grown-up who have the right to be respected and treated with kindness and love.

My advice to you is really evaluate what it is you want in terms of a relationship with your mom. Ask God to give you the strength to make the right decision for you. SF I know this is hard, but always remember that you are accountable for you. IF anyone can love and respect you for the person you are, you must simply bid them peace and move on. The issues your mother has go far beyond you and you are not responsible for her and helping her work through them. She has to be the one. There is nothing wrong with loving her from afar.

I am prayin for you! If you want to talk some more, feel free to e-mail me or PM me. You are not alone. ((hugs))

[StrangeFruit]

THANK YOU ALL for your words of wisdom. It certainly has helped emotionally and mentally.

I spoke to a BrothaFriend of mine that was around me and my mother during the earlier years (before she booted me out). Actually this friend was my "first" and when my mother found out that I was doin the do, she called me a bitch and said, "I hope you don't get AIDS and he only wants you for you puzzy."

I still remember standing there thinking my own mother just called me a female dog. Now mind you I was a sophmore in college my first time. Although I thought I would marry this man (he married someone else last year ), he and I are still very good friends and he's proably the only outsider that knows the story.

He says (just like a man) says my mother needs a man.

I think the type of relationship I've envisioned is unrealistic. I earned my master's degree this past August and didn't tell her that I was even in school; I wanted to surprise her. I planned on meeting her in NYC and taking her out to dinner and SoulCafe or Mecca's and to a broadway show, but since I didn't find that bangin' job right away, my money wasn't right, so I called her and told her and she said she wanted to see it, did I go to a fake school that hands out degrees for knitting. I thought she was joking (she has a dry sense of humor at times) and laughed it off.

I just want a healthy relationship with my mother and I don't think it's healthy right now. I still feel that it's my fault and that I need to do something other than distance myself, but that's what I may have to do, as so many have suggested.

Thanks again for listening or reading.

Peace, Power & Infinite Blessings

[nikki1920]

StrangeFruit,
Its not your fault that your mother cant/wont respect you for the person you are. For your own sanity and well being, you need to cut her off for a while and get your own self on solid ground.

I agree with Darling1 that you are only accountable for you. If this relationship is draining you, then you need to let it go. That is harsh, but true.

As for the "honor your mother", I always thought that honor, like respect was something that one earned to keep. She has not honored you.

Pray on it, and I'll be praying for you AND her as well.

be blessed.

[darling1]

Originally posted by StrangeFruit

I spoke to a BrothaFriend of mine that was around me and my mother during the earlier years (before she booted me out). Actually this friend was my "first" and when my mother found out that I was doin the do, she called me a bitch and said, "I hope you don't get AIDS and he only wants you for you puzzy."

I just want a healthy relationship with my mother and I don't think it's healthy right now. I still feel that it's my fault and that I need to do something other than distance myself, but that's what I may have to do, as so many have suggested.

Thanks again for listening or reading.

Peace, Power & Infinite Blessings [/B]

I think I was also a sophomore in college when my mother called me out of my name. I couldn't believe it!!

I know you want a healthy relationship with your mother. What daughter wouldn't? However, you must get to a point where you look at you at your life, who you are and what it is you will and will not accept. You have got to reach a point where you CHOOSE YOU, healthy, happy and peace and you must choose to surround yourself with people that will help you achieve that. Your mother at this time in incapable of that for a variety of reasons. She is a grown woman and it is not your job to help her through what ever stuff she is dealing with. We honor our parents by taking the positive lessons we've learned from them and applying them to our lives. We honor our parents by being good parents. We don't honor them by enabling their behavior. My mother believes that by virtue of that fact that she gave birth to me and my siblings, it entitles her to act like a child and not respect us. It is safe to say this thinking is true for your mother. That is simply not so. Our parents don't own us.

SF, I think that there is guilt running all through you. For me, I had to cut ties, surround myself with positive people and go through some serious therapy to get to where I am today. This may not work for you but it has helped me and many of my friends who have dealt with dysfunctional families.

Whatever you feel may work for you to deal with this, I suggest now is the time to seek those methods out. You need to take care of you so that you can ultimately forgive yourself and then begin the process of forgiving your mother. It is then can you truly enjoy your life and all that it entails.

I am praying for you!

[stardusttwin]

Originally posted by StrangeFruit
I thought she was joking (she has a dry sense of humor at times) and laughed it off.

I just want a healthy relationship with my mother and I don't think it's healthy right now. I still feel that it's my fault and that I need to do something other than distance myself, but that's what I may have to do, as so many have suggested.

Unless both of you are laughing its not a joke, if you have to question at all the intent of the punchline its not a joke. Making excuses for your mom's bad behavior is not going to land you in the good daughter category - it will only leave you confused, angry and bitter.

In order to have a healthy relationship both parties have to want it...and from what you have written that doesn't seem to be the case right now. Please don't take on responsibility for your mothers actions or choices she has made. You are only responsible for your own. Seek out and accept the type of nuturing relationship that you need elsewhere. It took a long time for me to realize that the relationship I was seeking was there all along-people who supported me and stood behind me no matter what. I just had to stop feeling guilty about having this type of relationship with someone other than my mom....and guess what? in time my mom has started to treat me as an adult. I have no idea if we'll ever have the type of relationship that I'd want to have with my own daughter...but I've accepted that she's doing the best she can...even if her best isn't good enough for me...and there's nothing to feel guilty about acknowledging your own needs.

Nothing about this is your fault. Its just the hand you were dealt with. I agree with the others who have encouraged you to pray on this, the correct answer for you will come.