So SAD/ANGRY

[exquizit]

Originally posted by AKA2D '91:
Okay, I teach at a high school and I come into contact with a large number of "our" girls. Anyway, one of the girls I sponsored became pregnant at the end of her junior year, last school year. Her baby is due this month (of her Senior year).

Now, teenage pregnancy is a big NO NO for me and what I believe. Yet, I wanted to get something for the baby. She told me it was a boy. BUT I do not want to convey to her that I "support" what has happened. The idea of teenage pregnancy etc. Yet, at the same time, I'm like, what can be done NOW? The baby is almost here! He did not ask to be born.

So, I think I will still get the gift. My better judgement says I should. I don't have to like what has happened, but I can show some positivity, cause she is probably "feeling" it from all sides right now.

That's a good thing. You guys can't possibly know just how much shame and how much they are disappointed in themselves at that point.(most anyway)The end of the pregnancy is no joke , even more so for a young girl Your body doesn't feel like it's your own anymore and there's the FEAR Of the pain that delivering the baby will bring.

I was so grateful for everything I recieved for my child right down to the tiniest diaper bag or pacifier. I knew no one was saying that what I'd done was ok, but at least they hadn't completely given up on me.you know?

Everytime I see a young girl strutting pregnant and proud talking about her babydaddy and what he SAYS he's going to do I want to take off my belt and whip her butt,but at that point what good would that do?
I then tactfully bust their bubbles and explain how it's not all it's cracked up to be and get them to start thinking about the real world and not some dream they've developed in their heads.
It's so tough trying to help todays youth but if not me then who?

[exquizit]

Originally posted by Mz. Sports Luva:
That was a great post Exquizit!!!! I couldn't agree with you more.


Conskeeted19: I have to two suggestions (1) you (or your school), should have the girls who have already had their babies talk to other students and show them that raising/having a baby isn't as "glamourous" as they think and (2) make your students plan a budget that includes caring for a child.

Make them plan their budgets for diapers, milk, clothes, childcare and so on. Tell them to act as if they have NO ONE to help them care for their baby but themselves.

Thanks !!
I also agree that reality sessions would slap them in the face about how hard it really is. Hang in there Conskeeted19. they need you more than you know!

[The Original Ape]

I don't know if this suggestion has been given, but here it goes.

I would suggest finding a serious-minded young mother that DOESN'T have a support system, and have an assembly centering her story. When the other girls hear her story, realizing that the baby IS NOT a toy, and all of the strife they will have to endure if they have one, it might change their minds about sex.

I think it has EVERYTHING to do with what happens in the homes these young girls live in and visit. If they are surrounded with promiscuity, they will explore it.

[DELTABRAT]

I really feel for this situation. I agree that if this is a rural area where there isn't really much to so, after-school programs would most likely be beneficial.

ALso, parent education classes. Many parents put so much responsibility on the school staff it's amazing. It's like, what they don't learn at school they just don't learn.

Self-esteem is a big issue with teenage pregnancy. The attention these young girls get, when they may be getting very little elsewhere is very alluring. Attention from boys, friends, classmates, etc.

I used to do HIV education in high schools and middle schools in LA, Inglewood, Hawthorne, etc (Los Angeles). At the middle schools, I would talk about postponing sexual involvement, in hish chools, it was risk reduction (for HIV,STDs and pregnancy). Well, at one middle school, I am talking about postponing (which is appropriate for MOST of the students, not ALL). I had a 12 year old girl in the class who had TWO children. She was looking at me like "too late." First baby was by her first cousin, second was by someone in the 12th grade.

Situations like this also tend to be cyclical. I now a woman who is 45 years old and is a great grandmother. She had her daughter at 15, her daughter had hers at 15 and then her daughter had hers at 15. When you have children at such a young age, you still have a lot of growing up to do. The basic mistakes where you stop and say, "Wow, I will never do that again and I will teach my kids,one day not to do that either," haven't even been made. If I am 18 and my child is 7 years old, what can I possibly teach him/her? So when that child is 14 and I am 25, I am not thinking of teaching sexual responsibility, I'm still trying to get mine.


I am not speaking for all young people who have children. SOme have a tight support network and are able to graduate, do well, marry and have other children. Butthe majority end up depriving themselves and their children of a half-way decent life.

[Ms Kris]

The problem with teen pregnancy definately needs to be dealt with, but there are some college educated adults that also need counseling about unwed pregnancies and STD's. There is a girl at my school who has a baby with a guy. She always talks about all of the places that she and this guy go to and all of the things that they do together. So all this time, I'm thinking that "It's good to finally meet a girl who speaks positively of her child's father and it seems like they have a good relationship." Okay, so the other day, I asked her what she was doing for lunch and she said that she was going out to eat with her child's father. Later on I asked her about her lunch date and she was like, "Oh, we just sat in the car and ate because he had his other baby with him." My response was, "Oh, so he had a baby with another girl before you met him?" She says, "No, this is his newborn."

I ask her, (regardless of whether it was my business or not) "Why does your boyfriend have a newborn baby, when your child is two years old and he has been your boyfriend since the birth of your child?"

She says, "Oh well everybody makes mistakes."

Okay, fine everybody does make mistakes. I let the issue go and went on to talk about something else. No sooner than we finished talking about that drama, she told me, "I need a new job because babies are so expensive and I want another one." My question, "Who are planning on having another baby with?" (I wanted to ask why she wanted "another baby" and not "the first" husband, but I try to mind my business sometimes!)

She said that she wanted to have another baby with the father of her first child.

I wanted to tell her so bad that it seems to me as though your child's father seems to have his hands full with his brand new baby and that since you just took him to court for child support LAST WEEK, you probably shouldn't even want to get involved again. If he was the least bit interested in taking care of the kids that he keeps helping to make, he wouldn't need the courts to make him pay some measly amount of child support. He would volunteer to make substantial payments for the support of his child. Ooops, I meant kids, because eventually the new "baby-mama" is going to have to drag his tired behind into the same court to collect her funds. How stupid is this whole situation? So, I say that some grown women need to sit in on that same Sex Ed class that the teenagers attend.

[Conskeeted19]

Thank God it's Friday. Guess what? Today, during last period, my student told me that she had to talk to me. I was doing 3000 things at one time. I kept telling her,"Ok, wait just one minute." The minute never came. When the bell sounded for us to leave, I was gathering my things to dash out the door. I turned the lights out, and that same student said, "I really need to talk to you." I went back into the room and just stared at her. She said, "I haven't came on my period in 2 months." I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs, pull my hair, jump up and down, but I didn't. I just can not believe it. Another one!(8th grade)

Thanks for all of your suggestions. I have already started putting some of them in action.

I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to come home and exhale to friends who truly care and understand.

I'll keep you posted.

P.S. "Closet Talk" is a great name!

------------------
You are the master of your own destiny!

[snazzylady]

This is a topic hitting close to home with me, my sister (pharmacist) had a baby at 16, she had a stong support system finished high school, college and grad school. I cried and cried when she told me because I thought she would become a statistic. Thank God she didn't.

Soror Conskeeted 19 you are to be commended for your interest and dedication to your students, they seem to trust you greatly, use it to your advantage.

AKA2D'91 just buy the gift Soror and give it with the love intended.

There is no stigma attached to being an unwed mother. In fact its rather chic according to the things young people are exposed to. I have no solutions only prayer that we can somehow return to a time when there was modesty and morality in the media, movies and music.

[Conskeeted19]

The Senior teachers at my school will not attend any of the girls baby showers nor will they give the girls gifts for their babies. However, privately they will offer support to the mother of the pregnant daughter. They feel that society has made it easy for these teens. They feel that they really need to see that having a baby is easy, but bieng a mother is not. I feel that I have started to lean towards their way of thinking. Soror AKA2D'91, I think that I would offer assistance to the mother of your student. When I had my son, things were not so easy. Sometimes just getting pampers would be a serious chore. I remember staying up all night long with him when he had the cholic. It was not my mother who stayed up-it was me! Boy did I do some tall thinking! I have younger sisters with children. My older sisters and I have made everything so convenient for them. We kept their children. We bought for their children. We helped them to get cars. They are so irresponsible. I remember being at college with no money and no car. I used to pray everyday, "Lord, please put someone in my path that will pick up my child and take us home. My whole point is that it wasn't easy. I have one student that says that the baby she had is not her baby-it's her brother and that she just had it. In fact, she says that the baby is her mothers baby. She does nothing. She is free to do whatever she wants. I am not saying that they should not be able to enjoy life; however, they should be made to feel consequences of their choice.

Thanks again for all of your support!

------------------
You are the master of your own destiny!

[Ania]

Originally posted by DELTABRAT:


Situations like this also tend to be cyclical. I know a woman who is 45 years old and is a great grandmother. She had her daughter at 15, her daughter had hers at 15 and then her daughter had hers at 15. When you have children at such a young age, you still have a lot of growing up to do. The basic mistakes where you stop and say, "Wow, I will never do that again and I will teach my kids,one day not to do that either," haven't even been made. If I am 18 and my child is 7 years old, what can I possibly teach him/her? So when that child is 14 and I am 25, I am not thinking of teaching sexual responsibility, I'm still trying to get mine.
I am not speaking for all young people who have children. SOme have a tight support network and are able to graduate, do well, marry and have other children. But the majority end up depriving themselves and their children of a half-way decent life.

I do not in anyway mean to center this topic on me but, I litterally wanted to cry(and I am not sensitive at all)when I read this post. I know how it feels to be a CHILD and grow up with a young mother. My mother was just short of 17 when I was born. And DELTABRAT is right, I was deprived(as well as my mother) of a full decent life.

My mother had a young mind and did not have enough funds to take care of both of us but she went clubbing whenever she had the chance. Not to mention my father, skipped town. I had a very hard young life but, I'm not going to go into great detail about my history but Please!!! Don't stop preaching about taking care of yourself first and waiting!

By the blessing of God, I am a sophomore in college(I am one of the top 15 black students at a Predominately White College), I'm trying my best but it is hard because no one is there to support me. I had to take time off to save up money to go to school and when I went back; My mother TOLD me that I need to get a REAL job and stop wasting my time on a dream(collge education). I love my mother very much, but I had to remind her of my past and let her know that I deserve more.

Most of these children get the short end of the stick and repeat the ugly process of ignorace about sex and babies. There are sooooooo many problems that I had to find out from my teachers, who were actually black men!(there were very few black teachers in my area) I could not find the answer from my mother because she stopped growing psychologically. Even Today, she can't see what I see.

My one teacher didn't judge me but constantly encouraged me to take care of myself first and the rest would come later.

I don't know any of you but I just want to say, I know it seems hopeless but don't give up. Please don't give up because without my teachers and my friends parents, I would not determined to succeed in life. Don't think your efforts are in vain. Don't give up!

I apologize for the length.

[AlphaChiGirl]

This whole story makes me very sad. I do feel as if society has glamourized the plight of the unwed, teenage mother--made it seem much easier than it obviously is. I am very lucky in that I have never had to deal with that sort of situation, but that's just what it is--luck. As bad as this sounds, I have a hard time believing that a 12 year old is engaging in consensual intercourse without being coerced (emotionally or physically), but that's another story.

I think one problem with this is that the young girls have seen others (possibly even their mothers) go through this with the "promise" of government assistance. When you know that your basic staples (and I do mean BASIC) are being subsidized, maybe having a baby doesn't SOUND like such a bad thing. I'm not saying "welfare and food stamps are bad", 'cause I think they're a very good thing. I just know that some girls know they can get their food stamps "expedited", or know the ins and outs of AFDC.

Conskeeted, I think it's very good that your students feel as if they can talk to you about this sort of thing. You are truly an inspiration. I know that I would have been labeled all sorts of sluts and whores, and it's good that these girls can go to someone in an authority position and not be judged. What are the situations of these girls? Are they dating older boys/men? Are they in homes where this sort of behavior is seen? Are they daughters of young mothers? Are their financial situations less than desirable? What's your area like--you mentioned a rural area, but are you near a health clinic where you could possibly get someone to talk about the consequences of safer sex? Where are the mothers?

This is very sad, but I don't know how to stop it. We can't put every young girl on Depo-Provera or something like that--the only thing to do is teach personal responsibility.

[Conskeeted19]

Ania, I am so glad that you had some positive people in your life. If you should ever need a shoulder to lean on, don't hesitate to use mine.

AlphaChiGirl, some of the girls are dating older guys. My 8th grade student's baby is by a freshman in college. [ ] This area is economically disfunctional. Alot of the students are being raised by their grandparents. Some students are dealing with their parent being "cracked out".

[prettygyrl]

I tried to pass this post up I really did but I am sooooooooo sensitive to things of this nature .....Anyway snazzylady you are wrong there are a alot of negative stigmas attached to unwed pregnancies LOTS and there is nothing CHIC about it! The media does not glamourize unwed pregnancies the media glamourizes premarital sex(which is the problem)Sweetie, stigmas definitely come along with the territory I do not know what world you live in, people look at you funny they make the wrong assumptions and some(as been my experience in these forums) even go as far as to say they do not want unwed mothers in there organizations, guys treat you differently etc etc etc.....I mean people are all smiling when one talks of their children then as soon as they ask that magical "Are you married " question and ones reponse is no and never been peoples whole exspression change, I am a mother with out a husband and I have ran into lots of BS I had a professor tell me that kids born out of wedlock grow up to have mental problems........I have people say I am immoral or promiscuous or whatever else comes to mind.......people ASSUME I am a bad parent because of and in my city if a young lady has any children before graduating she can not be a DEBUTANTE no matter how good her grades are........so you see dear there are alot of stigmas and we have to deal with alot of crap and what people fail to realize is shunning young women or talking about them or telling them how wrong and immoral they are will not help them at all, it actually hurts more, which in some cases leads young mothers to resent their children and mistreat them among other things........One of the biggest mistakes people make in trying to deter unwed pregnancies is to focus on the pregnancy as the problem when that is not the problem the problem is PREMARITAL SEX that is the problem that is the SIN people sit and tell young ladies and young men not have kids etc and etc but some fail to tell them what they need not do is have sex simple as that, but see then that would make most people seem hypocritical so they want to attach neg things too the whole unwed pregnancy thing when its the unwed sex that leads to the unwed pregnancy.........Telling a child not to get pregnant is not telling them not to have sex.......and then some make the mistake of trying to educate the young ladies with children and the young ladies with out together, that may work in some instantces but really they need a little different type of educating because two different approaches should be taken because what one does not want to do is make the young ladies with children feel like any less of a person and they should not be made to feel ashamed see shame breeds low self confidence and low self confidence breeds failure they should not be all the way happy with the mistake but they have to learn to accept it and know that it doesn't make them a bad person nor does it mean they will not succeed in life. They need to learn how to accept it, deal with it and try not to let it happen again, then they need to learn how to be good parents......with each young mother people do not usually know what life is or has been like for that person so how dare one condemn or expect the worse or assume the worse about that person..........People need to be genuine in their approach when trying to help these young girls meaning that you can not say you are going to help them then at the same time look down on them. A unwed mother can still be successful at anything a woman that has no children can be successful at AND they can be good a parent and it does not mean that their children will grow up to do the same thing either, I am a young unwed parent and I am a dam good parent, who services my community and is pulling a 3.9 GPA and I have a job and if my daughter were to have a child young or out of wedlock it would not have a dam thing to do with the fact that I did it. I agree that the young mothers probably need to talk to someone that has a child or children, but not just for the purpose of telling them how hard life is(that part will be obvious soon enough) but too also show them that they can still succeed and they are doomed to fail, this would give them something to look forward too so maybe they would not just sit around and have more.............


I read a post about how young mothers are to young to teach their children this or that something to that affect and I think she said she was not saying every young mother but some, and she is very right but I just want to add somethig else............ My parents were married when they got me and well established in their careers they were probably in their thirties or late twenties and let me tell you I was deprived, my mother did not teach me shit she did not spend 20% of the time with me and my siblings as I do with my children she did not know anything about us they did not give a dam what kind of grades we made or none of that shit.........I do beleive that those kids that shot up the schools in what was it colombine, their parents were married and had prominent careers and look how they turned out.......... I know a woman who had both of her parents in the house and now she is somewhere with about six kids and strung out on crack and a guy who had both parents they had lots of money yet he chose to hang around drug dealers and even sold drugs himself and still drove around the nice car his parents bought him they tried to get him away from this city so he went off to school at FAMU but he got kicked out for selling weed came back here and has not been back to school since! I know a young woman who had both parents who were very religous(not religous like too srict where kids rebel) they were actually good parents besides her they had four other kids two boys and three girls the oldest boy left when he was like 20 came home married to a woman like 32 with two kids then they had a kid he cheated on her she left him and now I don't even think he has a job and he is now like thirty six, the second son got heavy into drugs got out and is now shacking with his white girlfriend they have two kids , the oldest daughter has three kids one before she got married so because it looked bad she married this man that beat her like crazy then had another one then they got a divorce then she had a third one by him now he is jail because he was a big time drug dealer but she says she still loves him, now the middle girl ( the one I was initially talking about) she is the only one that went to college but not before getting into drugs heavily, getting pregnant in the ninth grade losing the baby, coming back to school going off to college coming back home getting pregnant again aborting, then pregnant again kept that one then pregnant again an aborting that one, the youngest girl got kicked out of highschool had to get her diploma through alternative school smokes weed like crazy sleeps around with everybody BUT she has never been pregnant so I guess that makes her the ideal woman RIGHT... I could go on for days point being bad parents come in all shapes and forms and some are even good parents but yet their kids turn out not so good because kids grow up and make their own choices. So see those young unwed mothers who had kids and deprived them were proabably going to be bad mothers with or without a husband or maybe it was not entirely their fault............

SORRY SO LONG THAT WAS JUST MY $200.00 WORTH

[prettygyrl]

DAGGGGGGGGGGG A BOOKKKKKKKKK MY BAD

[Ania]

Originally posted by prettygyrl:
DAGGGGGGGGGGG A BOOKKKKKKKKK MY BAD

AlphaChiGirl-
"I do feel as if society has glamourized the plight of the unwed, teenage mother--made it seem much easier than it obviously is."
I don't think that society glamorizes unwed pregnacies. Sex is glamorized to a large degree. Also, it sounds as if you had a stable home with two good parents so, you are NOT "lucky", you ARE "blessed"-don't take your upbringing lightly.

Conskeeted19,
I had people like you by my side, that is why I am blessed. Very thankful.

Prettygirl,
I know a good publishing company that could help you out. You may have a long post but a very valid one. Young BLACK girls are looked down on by a lot of people. And yes there are some young mothers who live around and for that child. I know one woman who is fanatastic-she is actually a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority. I admire her because she is very motivated in her studies and she takes great care of her child.
Your last point has a lot of validity. I do have peers who have responsible parents that don't care and screw up beyond belief. And I also know parents who started having children at the age of 30, that still should have thought hard before having any children.

Prettygirl, you a woman who had a child at a young age, don't think that I am bashing all young mothers because their are responsible parents out there. However, I shared my story of what I went through and what I see, where I live.

[Discogoddess]

I won't touch A LOT of what's been said...I will just pray that those of you who are in contact with these young women will continue, by your positive example, to drive the message home that the goal is to improve and challenge yourself FIRST, and that's much harder to accomplish as a young mom without the benefit of experience (waiting until you are ready to assume the consequences of sex); self-sufficiency/accomplishment (post-secondary education and a good job); and a solid, loving marriage (the ideal state in which all children SHOULD be born).

Our community needs to impress upon parents and kids the STANDARD for sexual involvement should be marriage or at least waiting until one is "grown" enough to accept ALL the consequences (STDs, emotional issues, pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, etc.). It seems we no longer value that standard as the norm, and our kids/community is paying for it, dearly.

The band-aids of young pregnant and parenting programs (several of which I support), while necessary, are not stemming the tide of girls in this situation, nor are they addressing the root causes of our girls' problems-poor parenting, inadequate education, lack of self-worth/esteem, inability/lack of resources to set and reach long-term goals, poverty, etc.